Don't get me wrong, I love Robocop, but he really isn't all that suited to starring in videogames. Sure, he's indestructible, but he's also slow and clumsy. It's a bit like playing F-Zero as a cement mixer. Robocop did end up starring in a whole bunch of videogames, though, which I guess is just more proof that that games developers will still turn any old licence into a side-scrolling shooter if it'll make them some money. Still, at least none of them are the DaVinci Code game.

Robocop, 1989(?), ZX Spectrum, Data East

That doesn't look like Robocop here; in fact, he looks more like The Stig. Well of course he doesn't look great, it's a sprite from the goddamn ZX Spectrum. What did you expect? I actually had this version of Robocop when I was a wee bairn, and all I can remember about it is that it never seemed to work properly. I quite like the high-contrast black black-and-white look for Robocop, though: Sin City: Robocop, perhaps. I'd buy that for a dollar! HAH THERE I SAID IT.

Robocop 1, 2 and 3, 1989-92, NES, Data East / Ocean

There was whole trilogy of Robocop games for the NES, and here are the sprites in 1, 2, 3 order from left to right. There's some kind of Goldilocks thing going on here: Robocop 1 is too thin! Robocop 2 is too fat! But Robocop 3 is juuuuust right! Now I like to imagine the director of Robocop 3 (The Movie) searching on Google, seeing the phrase "Robocop 3 is juuuuust right!" and thinking that finally, finally after all the long, bitter years, he has found someone who doesn't think Robocop 3 is awful. But he'll be disappointed when I tell him that his movie sucked. Ha! Well, at least it was better than the live-action series.
Man, Robocop 2 does look a bit porky there, and he appears to have a little goatee beard. Wait, that sounds like a description of me.

Robocop, 1988, Arcade, Data East

Strikin' a pose there, huh Robocop? Yeah, you look kinda cool. Yep. Well, see ya.

Robocop 2, 1990, Arcade, Data East

And this sprite started off so well, too. From the waist up, this sprite is pretty good, but then we pan down to the mangled mess that used to be Robocop's legs and it all goes a bit pear-shaped. He could do with some kind of super-strengh Thighmaster. Y'know, cuz he'd break a normal Thighmaster between his powerful robot thighs. I wish I hadn't just typed that.

Robocop vs The Terminator, 1993, Megadrive, Interplay

This is probably the best sprite of the lot, with the right level of detail and pretty much the right colours. He's very nicely animated too, and he lights up due to the muzzle flare when you fire his gun. It's little touches like that that I appreciate in my videogames. They even captured the awkward-looking pose he makes when he fires his gun, which make him look like he's just been stung by some unwarranted criticism and taken aback slightly. That's a very difficult emotion to captue in pixels, you know.

Robocop 3, 1992, SNES, Ocean

With a curiously flat head and marshmallowy-looking limbs, this is not the lean, mean crime-fightin' machine you might have expected from a Robocop game. Perhaps we shouldn't mention the tumour he has swelling in his calf. He's probably sensitive about it. Oh no wait, he's a robot and therefore doesn't have feelings. HEY ROBOCOP, NICE LEG TUMOUR YOU GOT THERE! (Disclaimer: I am fully aware that Robocop is technically a cyborg and not a robot. Maybe you should write to Orion and tell ask them to rename him to Cybocop.)

Robocop vs The Terminator, 1993, SNES, Interplay

Robocop has goat legs. Goat legs. He may well be a cyborg version of the Devil, or, even more terrifyingly, Torgo. Rather than a gun, he has one enormous middle finger that he's sticking up at us. Truly, this is the most evil of Robocops, and I will gladly fall in supplication before our new cloven-hooved robot cyborg master.


Also, go and visit the VGJUNK Tumblr. It's pretty sweet.

VGJUNK Archive

Search This Blog