01/10/2018

FRIGHTMARE (COMMODORE 64)

Deep below VGJunk Towers, in a mouldering crypt littered with time-softened bones, scurrying vermin and empty biscuit packets, the heavy stone lid of a foetid tomb slowly slides open. From within, the hoarse voice of some ancient creature issues forth, speaking these portentous words: “Bloody hell, is it October already?” Yes, my friends, yes it is, and you know what that means – it’s time for the ninth annual VGJunk Halloween Spooktacular! An entire month featuring games of horror, grotesquerie, spirits, spectres and slime, and frankly we could all use some of the fun kind of horror to distract us from, you know, this garbage world and everything in it. I’m excited, and I’m going to make a real effort to get maximum enjoyment from this, my favourite time of year, starting with a Commodore 64 action game. A risky way to begin a season of fun, I admit, but let’s hope for a pleasant surprise with Cascade Game’s 1988 bad-dreams-em-up Frightmare!


When it comes to Halloween-themed games, you really cannot go wrong with a title like Frightmare, can you? It’s absolutely the kind of punning, unselfconsciously cheesy title that the season is made for, so even if the game itself turns out to be bad at least it’s added to the word “frightmare” to the Cryptkeeper-like assortment of compound words I’ve got in the ol’ memory banks.
The loading screen’s pretty killer, too. An ectoplasmic logo, demonic eyes staring out of the gloom in a manner that I’m certain I’ve seen on the cover of a horror VHS and a poor lost soul trapped in the window of a cathedral. I think that’s supposed to be the player character, or at least a representation of the character’s anguish at being trapped in a frightful nightmare. Because it’s called Frightmare, you see. Okay, okay, let’s get started with the game.


There’s nothing in the way of options, so it’s right into the action and if you have a morbid terror of white picket fences then Frightmare is going to send you into catatonic shock. Not really, those white things are bullets that you can collect. The “you” in question is the white humanoid figure at the bottom of the screen, with the pin-prick eyes and the wasp-like waist.


In testing out the controls, I managed to jump up to the top of this tree in hopes of avoiding the various monsters. This taught me that our hero is a nimble sort, fleet of foot and quite good at jumping. You move left and right with the joystick and press up to jump, with the fire button being reserved for using the various items you’ll pick up on your travels. That includes using the bullets you’ve collected, but there’s one small issue on that front: I haven’t found a gun yet. I suppose I’d better get to exploring, then.


Oh, the gun’s on the second screen. That’s handy. Unfortunately it’s surrounded by more ghosts than your average ruined abbey or fire-damaged Victorian orphanage, and even after only two screens it’s clear that Frightmare is one of those games. You know, the kind where monsters swarm all over the sodding screen, respawning in endless waves and using their lack of corporeal bodies to fly right through the scenery and into your face. It’s a good job the main character is quite easy to handle, then, and to be fair not all the monsters roam freely through the air. The hooded ghosts, for example, appear only on that one platform and move from right to left, and part of a successful run at Frightmare comes from learning which enemies are more like stage hazards and which will dash towards you like an affectionate puppy. The puppy being a baby Cerberus, in this case.


How did a bullet that big come out of a barrel so narrow? It is all down to the twisted logic and shifting laws of the dreamscape, dear traveller – always a classic cop-out for these kinds of situations. I’d love to tell you that now I’m armed I feel more powerful and better equipped to tackle this nightmare, but that would be a lie. For starters, not all enemies can be harmed by the gun, so while these flying monster bonces go down in one shot there are plenty of other creatures that’ll ignore your bullets entirely. Plus you’ve got limited ammo, both in terms of what you can carry at once and also because bullets don’t respawn, meaning there’s a fixed amount of ammunition for the entire game. This means the gun works more as a last-gasp defensive option rather than an offensive mainstay, which I quite like: it fits the idea of Frightmare being a desperate struggle to survive, rather than having you control the murderous hybrid of the Doom Guy and Morph.


Also adding to this feeling is the player character’s spider-monkey-like platforming tendencies. If something in this game looks even a little horizontal, you can stand on it. Individual tree branches, the tops of columns, the middle of columns provided they have a decorative lintel, brickwork, heads impaled on pikes – they all act as platforms, so when you’re moving around each screen there’s a sense that you’re scurrying around, clambering from perch to perch. However, there is a problem with this: you can’t fall down “through” platforms like you can in many other platformers, so you have to move left and right to find a place to drop down and it’s not always clear where those gaps are, as we shall see.


With a handle on the controls, I started getting into the exploration proper. Task number one was figuring out what all the various collectable items do. Some are straightforward pick-ups, like the rings that give you an extra life or the score-increasing chalices. The rest are inventory items with a variety of effects. For example, the cross pictured above can be activated at any time by pressing the fire button. What does it do? It clears the screen of certain types of enemies. Which enemies? Who knows, have fun finding out. You can carry three inventory items at a time and you cycle between them by pressing down on the joystick. This explains why you can’t fall through platforms, and there were plenty of times when I tried to use my gun only to realise I must have accidentally nudged down at some point without noticing, because I was now highlighting a completely different item or even an empty space. I’d say the inventory system works okay. I am unwilling to go any higher than that.


After some exploring and plenty of restarts - because this game is ruthless when it comes to killing the player at the drop of a hat - I found myself in a twisted bio-mechanical cavern with an H.R. Giger-inspired visual style and a squadron of aerial skulls that seem to be mostly minding their own business. What business a huge flying skull might have is a mystery that may never be solved, although I suspect they’re trying to find a way to brush their teeth without arms. Dental hygiene is very important when teeth are all you have.


The world of Frightmare is split into four “zones” that each have their own visual style. We started out in a graveyard area and now we’re in the “we were going to make a game based on Aliens but we changed our minds” portion. I’m claiming the H.R. Giger connection, but honestly this area is reminding me more of ZX Spectrum nightmare generator Soft and Cuddly more than anything else. Frightmare did get a release on the ZX Spectrum, and even a DOS version, but there doesn’t seem to be much between them and the C64 version looks the best, so that’s why I picked it.


And Frightmare does look good. It doesn’t have the most technically impressive sprite work, of course, but it makes up for it in the weirdness of the visual design and the appealingly unpleasant enemies. Your foes are a good mix of familiar monsters and slightly stranger apparitions, ranging from gloopy mud-men and disembodied hands to crowds of praying supplicants and fiery faces that fade in and out of the background. They’re definitely the kind of freaks that you’d want to airbrush on the side of a carnival ghost train, which makes them perfect for the Halloween season.


Now we enter the third zone, the execution grounds. It’s all gallows and guillotines – mental note, write that down as the title for a potential Ghouls ‘n’ Ghosts rip-off – where pitchfork-wielding devils patrol the wooden boards and skulls pile up like empty beer cans after a raging house party. We’re covering a lot of Halloween themes in this one, huh? Maybe the last zone will a cabin in the forest, or the underground farm where they grow each year's crop of new clowns.


I mentioned that it can sometimes be difficult to see where the platforms begin and end, and here’s an extreme example. You can walk atop some of these skulls but not others, leading to lots of wiggling left and right to find the spot where you can drop down. Don’t get me wrong, I still think this is a cool screen – I would not run the Spooktacular every year if a videogame room composed entirely of blood-red skulls didn’t do it for me – but it could stand to be a little easier to navigate.


The final background theme is the mad science lab. Yeah, I’ll take it. Brains in jars, labyrinthine pipework, half-grown mutants sticking out of what look like hyper-advanced toilets. Normal scientists need not apply. Highly skilled plumbers should apply, this place desperately needs them.


You might have noticed – you know, assuming you have eyes – that there’s an ever-changing two-word phrase at the top of the screen. “Fearful Vision,” it says, and buddy you ain’t kidding: I’ve played enough Castlevania games to be fearful whenever I see a hovering Medusa head. This might seem like an important part of Frightmare’s mystery, but it’s just your score. I know, I was a little disappointed too. Every time you gain points by killing monsters or collecting chalices the words fill up and eventually change. There are a bunch of combinations of “word meaning scary” and “word meaning dream,” starting with “Bad Dream” and going through such variations as “Cruel Trance,” “Horrible Vision” and “Evil Illusion,” with the highest score resulting in a title of “Nefarious Frightmare.” So, if you are struggling to find a name for your new fantasy-prog-metal band then just play a bit of Frightmare, you’ll have potential names coming out of your ears in no time.


By now I’ve played a decent chunk of Frightmare and I am having fun with it, although admittedly it feels like I’m enjoying it despite the gameplay. It’s ridiculously difficult, that’s the main issue. I’m used to Commodore 64 games being cruel to the point of sadism, but Frightmare pushes that bar ever upwards with endless swarms of fast-moving enemies that kill you at the slightest contact and often can’t be fought.


I also managed to get myself stuck a few times, trapped in the bowels of the maze where all exits were just out of jumping range, or I’d accidentally grabbed all the items that grant you a super-jump and then wasted them when I suddenly had to dodge a monster. Those things don’t reappear, folks. Getting completely trapped is always extremely frustrating in any game, and it’s especially aggravating in a game like Frightmare where progress all-or-nothing. My advice is to make sure you always have a signpost item in your inventory, because using it will warp you to a different screen. This means that your inventory space is reduced by 33 percent, of course, but it beats twiddling your thumbs at the bottom of the dungeon with only screaming demon faces for company. I can go to the Job Centre for that kind of experience, I don’t need it from my Commodore 64 games.


There’s one question that I’ve neglected to answer, and that’s what we’re supposed to be doing. Travelling around screens that look like four competing dungeon-themed tourist attractions is fun and all, but there has to be a goal, and indeed there is. You have to advance the clock at the bottom-right of the screen to 8:12 in the morning, at which point our hero’s alarm clock goes off and he awakens from this frightmare. Look, they gave me the word “frightmare” and I’m bloody well going to use it, okay?


Each new screen you enter adds six minutes to the clock, so it should be a simple matter of getting as far as you can and visiting as many unique screens as possible until it’s time to get up. However, the clock starts at midnight and, as far as I can tell, the game contains 79 screens. If my maths is correct (and it might well not be) that means you can only get the time up to 7:54. Thus Frightmare is impossible to complete – and here I thought it was being crap at computer games that would prevent me from seeing the ending. Perhaps this was the point, and Frightmare’s never-ending challenge is intended to represent the helplessness you feel when trapped in a nightmare. Maybe the developers did it on purpose to generate a sense of intrigue around the game. Or it’s a bog-standard cock-up. That does feel like the most plausible answer.


With no final goal to aim for and most of the game world explored, I suppose it’s time to wrap Frightmare up. It’s a game of mixed virtues, so let’s start with the positives. It looks nice, as mentioned earlier, and I really like the monster designs. For the first game of this year’s Halloween Spooktacular it certainly packs in more than enough freaks and mutants to keep me happy. I particularly like the large yellow chaps pictured in the screenshot above, who walk around with their palms raised as though they’re on the verge of using a kung-fu palm strike or something. Y’see? Weird.
The basic mechanics of the game are solid, too, with your character controlling fairly well, occasional inventory issues aside, and the gameplay is fast and fluid with the occasional “puzzle-like” room thrown in to break up the regular arcade-style action.


However, Frightmare is badly hampered by the needlessly high difficulty level and the unrelenting waves of enemies, especially when looking back on it from a modern perspective. If it had half the amount of monsters at a time and your gun didn’t take up an inventory space I’d be a lot freer in my praise. Perhaps unsurprisingly my advice is to play Frightmare with a cheat for infinite lives or something, because in my opinion it works much better as a digital safari where the enjoyment comes from seeing what bizarre scenario will appear next, rather than “beating” the game. In that respect it reminds me, again, of Soft and Cuddly. That game will haunt me forever, it seems.


Frightmare gets my qualified approval, then. Obviously it’s a shame that there’s no ending, but what would that ending be? Some bloke sitting up in bed and saying “man, I’ve got to lay off the cheese suppers?” I don’t think we’re missing out on anything earth-shattering there.
That’s the first game of this year’s Halloween season covered, then, but there’s one more thing before I go – that’s right, it’s the return of the VGJunk Halloween-O-Meter!  As always, this rating is not based on how good a game is but rather how Halloween-y it is. It’s a shifting, imprecise rating system based mostly on my personal whims and how many pumpkins are in the game, and I’m going to award Frightmare…


Eight out of ten seems about fair. It’s definitely spooky, and anything less than eight for a game containing so many brains in jars would be criminal, but it’s missing some of the vital Halloween ingredients that would push it right to the top of the scoreboard. The fact that it’s called “Frightmare” very nearly pushed it to a nine but I’ve got to leave myself some room to manoeuvre, you know?

25/09/2018

SAS COMBAT ASSAULT (ZX SPECTRUM)

Okay, back me up here: if you were playing a game called SAS Combat Assault, you’d expect it to be an action-packed warfare simulator where you take on the role of the elite Special Air Service and fight against threats to crown and country, right? Just checking, because the 1993 ZX Spectrum game SAS Combat Assault is… not that. So what is it? Well, let’s find out!


At least the title screen seems to match the name of the game, with a camo-clad soldier holding a gun while a swarm of hand grenades buzz around him. I say that’s a gun, it could quite easily be a large piece of liquorice that the soldier’s saving for when he needs a quick energy boost or, given the position of his hands, he’s having a really hard time fastening his belt. The odds on it actually being a gun are further reduced when you look at the controls scheme and realise there’s no button for fire. That’s a bit worrying, but let’s get started and see what SAS Combat Assault is all about.


Here we are outside 10 Downing Street, home of the British Prime Minister and, one imagines, the milkman’s most nerve-wracking delivery of the day. Next to the milk bottles are a pair of grenades. You’d think that policeman would have some reaction to the hand grenades, either in their capacity as the protector of the Prime Minister or as a human being with grenades next to their feet, but the plod remains unmoved. So unmoved, in fact, that I suspect he might be a cardboard cut-out. Is this a satirical swipe at austerity politics? Erm, no, this game came out in 1993. The policeman’s just scenery, that’s all.
The SAS soldier can move, of course, and that’s what you’ll be doing for the duration of the game; moving left and right, jumping and ducking. It’s never explained in-game and it doesn’t actually accomplish anything, but the closest thing SAS Combat Assault has to an objective is collecting all the hand grenades located in 10 Downing Street and its vicinity. No, you cannot throw the hand grenades you collect. The SAS are famed for their pacifism, after all.


I don’t know what I expected when I entered the building, but I can say I didn’t expect to be attacked by killer alarm clocks. The alarm clocks scoot along the floor and are instantly fatal to the touch. It’s an interesting decision to equate the physical toughness of an SAS soldier with the fluffy seed-head of a malnourished dandelion, but here we are.
Without a weapon with which to fight back against the alarm clock menace, our hero is restricted to jumping and ducking to get past the obstacles and on to the next screen. Here it’s a simple enough matter of hopping over the low-lying clocks…


Then I reached the next screen, where this low-high-low arrangement of killer clocks stumped me for quite a while. Part of the problem is that you can stand on the door panels, because the game treats them as platforms for some reason and when you end perched a foot above the floor it can really throw off your plan of attack. The other problem – and you may have noticed this yourself – is that the player character's sprite is fucking massive. Just ridiculously lanky, taking up eighty percent of the screen’s vertical height with his delicate, easily-killed frame. To say this makes avoiding obstacles difficult would be an understatement.


And so Big Boy Soldier Man makes his way through the corridors of power, collecting grenades and failing to avoid the hazards because he’s the size of – and about as manoeuvrable as – a mighty redwood. We’ve already seen all the gameplay SCA has to offer, so there’s nothing else to do but travel the four floors of Downing Street and jump over some hedgehogs.


That’s right, hedgehogs. Not armed terrorists, not nefarious villains who plot of kidnap the Prime Minister and hold the country to ransom, but hedgehogs. Bright pink hedgehogs, sure, maybe even hedgehogs with malice aforethought, but they’re still just hedgehogs.


It makes a bit more sense that you’d find hedgehogs in Downing Street’s back garden, I suppose. Let’s just hope the IRA don’t launch a mortar attack while we’re out here. If our hero is killed by brushing against a hedgehog, getting hit by a mortar strike would probably cause a fracture in space-time that wipes out his decendants for a thousand years hence.
Rather unsettlingly, there are a pair of very small underpants hanging from the washing line. The Prime Minster in 1993 was John Major, so we’re left with the deeply unpleasant mental image of Major squeezing himself into a tiny pair of budgie smugglers.


The second floor is patrolled by a rogue vacuum cleaner, or possibly a severed human leg. You might be wondering how you get past it when it covers almost as much of the screen’s vertical height as Stretch Armstrong here, and I was wondering that too until I bit the bullet and jumped into it. I emerged unscathed on the other side, because apparently only the very bottom part of the vacuum has a hitbox. Naturally this was not communicated to the player in any way.


Roughly in the centre of the game map is the Cabinet Room, which is the only room in the game to get an on-screen label. I have no idea why this is the case. I have no idea why any of this is happening, to be perfectly honest. I’ve got my theories about how SCA ended up being made the way it was, though, and that’s that the designer thought “hey, I’ve made a really cool-looking sprite that’s big and detailed, so let’s stick it in a platformer that really needs a much smaller player character. Also I couldn’t figure out how to code a firing gun so this soldier’s only weapon is the hope that his sheer inadequacy will make the enemies take pity on him.”


Ah yes, the Prime Ministerial khazi. There’s something very British about the detail of having the toilet brush included here, I feel. Here you can also see the eye-prickling graphical clashes that SCA is absolutely rife with. If it were me, I would have styled it out as being intentional – the soldier is such a master of camouflage that he can blend in with any scenery, a veritable chameleon of a man!


There are a bunch of balconies at the ends of each floor. They’re the same as the indoor areas, with obstacles to avoid and grenades to gather, but I suspect that there is such a preponderance of balconies because this is (allegedly) a game about an SAS soldier, and thanks to the 1980 Iranian Embassy siege the SAS have something of a history with balconies. There's nothing as exciting as hostage rescue or rappeling down the building in this one, of course, but you can take a shortcut to the ground floor by walking right off the balcony. Just try not to land on a hedgehog.


The top levels of the building are patrolled by these pointy-nosed gremlins in comfortable sweaters. They’re functionally the same as all the other enemies, but I believe they’re supposed to be former Labour Party leader Neil Kinnock, or perhaps his army of lab-grown homunculus clones. More specifically, I think they’re based on Kinnock’s Spitting Image puppet, although they look more like Little My from the Moomin books to me.


By now I’d explored most of the building – it’s not very big – and I was close to having collected all the grenades. “What joy,” I thought, “soon this game will be over and I can write a quick article about how weird it is that a game called SAS Combat Assault contains no combat and the only assault is on your eyeballs.” Then, for reasons I may never ascertain, all the grenades respawned.


Undeterred, I gathered all the mental strength and POKES for complete invulnerability I could muster and dashed through 10 Downing Street once more, this time managing to grab every grenade in the place and… nothing happened. Some naive, hopeful part of me thought the game might end, if not with a proper ending then at least a congratulatory message along the lines of “Well done, you’ve stopped the sinister machinations of the Hand Grenade Fairy” but alas, the game just kept going. I’ve definitely seen enough, though. More than enough, thanks to that washing line.


SAS Combat Assault is a pretty terrible game, with a hero who’s too big for the world he inhabits and awkward, fiddly gameplay that would surely prevent anyone from extracting any pleasure from the proceedings. I mean honestly, what kind of game allows you get stuck halfway up the side of a door like those pictures of goats standing on the face of a dam? Yet I can’t be too harsh on it, because SCA wasn’t a proper retail release. Instead it appeared on a cover tape attached to Sinclair User magazine and was obviously a one-man job. That would be the January 1993 issue of Sinclair User, by the way – over a decade after the ZX Spectrum launched. Okay, maybe I can be a bit rougher on SCA. You know what else was released around this time? The first Starfox game. Yikes.

22/09/2018

BUFFALO BILL'S WILD WEST SHOW (AMIGA)

I’m sure a lot of you are looking forward to Red Dead Redemption 2. Ah, the lure of the untamed West, rifle-fire echoing down a lonesome canyon, hours spent parking your horse on top of dead animals so you could harvest their skin without having to see the associated cutscene for the seven thousandth time. No, wait, that was the first Red Dead Redemption. While we all wait for Rockstar’s latest git-along-little-dogie-em-up, here’s another slice of Wild West action that’ll make you really appreciate modern videogames: it’s Tynesoft’s 1989 Amiga game Buffalo Bill’s Wild West Show, also known as Buffalo Bill's Rodeo Games!



Here’s William Frederick Cody himself, or Buffalo Bill to his friends. I image most people will still at least recognise the name Buffalo Bill, and that’s hardly surprising because he was one of the most famous people in the world around the turn of the twentieth century. A legend of the Old West, Buffalo Bill rode for the Pony Express, fought in the America Civil War and shot a bewildering amount of buffalo, hence the name. So well-know was he that both King George V and Kaiser Wilhelm II took a break from that minor kerfuffle called the First World War to pay their condolences when he died. Bill’s fame came in large part from his travelling Wild West Show, a mixture of sharp-shooters, battle re-enactments and (presumably) grisly mountains of dead buffalo, a show which toured Europe and the USA. That’s what this game is inspired by, so grab your shootin’ irons and get ready for yet another entry in the interminable genre of home-computer multi-event sports titles!


That’s right, Buffalo Bill’s Wild West Show is a multi-event sports game, although at least the Wild West Show theme provides a pretty sensible reason to offer up a selection of cowboy-themed minigames. Event names like Bronco Riding and Steer Wrestling immediately conjure images of joysticks knackered beyond repair by intense waggling, but hopefully the shooting games will be less taxing on the hardware.


First up is Knife Throwing, as presented by a Native American chap who smiles fondly at a hovering knife. Perhaps the knife was a gift from a long-ago lover, or perhaps he admires the intricate detail on the sheathe. Intricate is the word, and you can’t fault Buffalo Bill’s pixel work on these splash screen – it’s all very crisp and well-drawn. I’d go so far as to say it’s the game’s best feature. I’d have said that before I’d played any of the minigames, to be honest. I’ve played enough home computer multi-event sports games to know what’s coming.


Yep, that’s about what I expected. Some poor woman is strapped to a revolving wheel, and you’re tasked with throwing knives near – but not at – her. Knives that land closer to the woman score more points, and you control the action with either the mouse or a joystick. I went with the mouse, hoping it would give me greater control, but alas the crosshair wobbles around the screen in a manner that suggests the knife-thrower is standing atop a partially-filled waterbed. So, you move the cursor to roughly the right spot, holding the jiggling crosshair as near to the woman as you dare, then you press fire to throw the knife. There’s a fair old delay between pressing the button and the knife landing, so while there is some skill involved the sullen hand of Luck weighs heavy around your shoulder during this event.


You get eight knives to throw and score points with so, erm, do that. Try not to get distracted by the horse or the gopher that sometimes pops out of the ground. Once you’ve thrown your knives it’s on to the next event… okay, fine. I know you’re all wondering what happens if you hit the woman with a knife, you jackals.


The screen runs red with blood and the knife-throwing competition immediately ends, as you'd bloody well hope it would. Sadly there is no “panicked call to the insurance company” minigame.


Here’s a gun. I assume it’s a Colt Single Action Army, what with this being a Wild West game and all. Mind you, everything I know about revolvers I learned from Revolver Ocelot, so I wouldn’t take my word for it. Do you think gun nerds ever get confused as to why “ocelot” keeps popping up in the autocomplete when they’re looking up Colt SAAs online?


The first part of this event has the shooting part down but not so much the “trick” bit. It’s a fairly standard videogame shooting gallery, where cardboard cut-outs of various people appear and you have to assess their threat levels before blowing the appropriate targets away. I must confess I had some trouble on that front. The identifying part, I mean. Some of the targets easily discounted, of course: gunning down little kids and unarmed women is almost always frowned upon in these kinds of games.


But then there are scenarios like this, where a man with his hands on his holsters and a look of steely determination in the two pixels that make up his eyes lurches out at me. He’s clearly getting ready to draw, so I fired first and whoops, I guess the tiny star on his chest means he’s the sheriff and now I’m wanted for killing a lawman. There are also targets that appear facing away from you and you’re presumably penalised for being the kind of coward that would shoot a man in the back, even though logically that’s the best place to shoot someone.


Your actual targets are anyone with a gun in their hand who’s looking right at you, and they make up a surprisingly small proportion of the potential targets. The trick to this trick shooting is not falling asleep while waiting for a viable target to appear.


The second half is a bottle shooting challenge where your cowpoke assistant throws glass bottles across the screen in a variety of trajectories and you have to shoot them out of the air. The same crosshair wobble from the knife-throwing game is in effect here, and while it didn’t matter much (or at all) in the target shooting round, here the precision required to hit the bottles is such that it’s frustrating to have your crosshair right over the bottle, only for it to suddenly jerk out of the way. Other than that – and the need to reload your gun by hitting the right mouse button – it’s just pointing, and indeed clicking.
The music helps keep things interesting. It’s an aggressively jolly version of the folk song “Shortnin’ Bread,” which isn’t very interesting in and of itself but it did remind me to listen to The Cramps tearing through their version of Shortnin’ Bread, so it gets points for that.


Event number three is Bronco Riding. If this title screen is to believed, the act of bronco riding fills a cowboy with a sense of transcendental bliss. That’s what I’m reading into his expression, anyway. Also I know he’s wearing a cowboy hat but I can’t see it as anything but a massive afro.
Right, here we go. Ridin’ a bucking bronco. So, how does this wor…


Aaand I’m down. It wasn’t so much a display of bronco riding as it was a fast-acting horse catapult. I know the timer at the top-right says I lasted six seconds, but I did not. The timer in this game runs really fast, and in reality I lasted about one second. In my defence, the game does not exactly ease you into the event gently.


The horse goes all-out to evict the cowboy as soon as the event starts, but I tried again and this time I was prepared for the gameplay, which involves nothing more than holding the joystick in the direction of the arrows that pop up on screen. Obviously the arrows are constantly changing direction, so a successful bronco ride is a test of reactions. It’s okay, I suppose. Not particularly exciting, but enlivened by the rather fun graphics of the horse thrashing around as I’m sure we all would if some moustachioed lunatic with a name like Jeb or Cletus jumped onto our backs. Or maybe you wouldn’t. I don’t know what kind of stuff you’re into.


On to the second disk and the fourth event with Stage Coach Rescue. We’re rescuing it from that Native American chap sitting on top. The law of the Old West is harsh, and there can be no mercy for fare-dodgers.


Up until now Buffalo Bill’s Wild West Show has been relatively inoffensive, but the stage coach chase sees it dip into some deeply frustrating territory. It’s a two-part event, and your first mission is to catch up to the stagecoach. You can move your horse up and down to avoid the energy-sapping crates that are thrown from the top of the stagecoach, but to actually reach the stagecoach you have to waggle the joystick left and right. You have to waggle it a lot. A ludicrous amount, considering you also have to concentrate on not getting whacked by flying luggage. I would recommend wearing some kind of wrist brace, or possible strapping your controller to a high-powered reciprocating saw.


You’re goddamn right I am, this is the most physical effort I’ve expended since an ill-advised attempt to run for a bus in 2013. After many attempts – and starting the game again so I could turn the difficulty down from medium to easy, which didn’t seem to make any difference – I finally managed to catch the carriage and climb aboard.


Now comes the difficult part of the event. It’s a mano-a-mano fist-fight now, in a fairly typical style for a computer game of this vintage. You can throw punches at your opponent’s head, or you can crouch down and try to punch him square in the dick, which would be a fitting punishment for making me do all that joystick waggling. You can also hold fire and backwards to block, a technique that is only useful to precognitive psychics who know what attacks are coming because there’s no chance you’ll be able to react in real time.
I never managed to clear this event. It was just too damn hard. Between the fact that you’ll almost certainly be missing some energy from the first half of the stage, the sluggish movements of your cowboy and the strict time limit, emerging victorious was beyond me. If my time spent looking up gameplay videos of this section is anything to go by, it’s completely beyond everybody else, too.


Time to pick on weaker, more vulnerable target with some calf roping. Is that cowboy holding the end of his lasso in his teeth? Well, I suppose dentistry was hard to come by in the Wild West.


Oh good, this is a much more gentle gameplay experience than the last event. You chase down the calf by moving the joystick in the four main directions. Catching up to the calf isn’t difficult in itself, but you have to be at a specific distance to the side of the calf for a successful lasso throw: too close or too far away and you’ll miss, and you’re only given one chance to throw your rope. Plus, the track is littered with obstacles like hay bales and barrels, and touching one will also cause you to fail. Thus the event becomes a test of patience, where you wait for the right moment to strike, when man, cow and rope are perfectly aligned. I kinda like it, and I think if you fleshed this event out a bit, maybe with multiple cows to rope or different courses, it could be fairly entertaining.
Oh, and I’m sorry to disappoint you but that meter at the bottom of the screen doesn’t say “danceometer.” It’s “distanceometer,” because you can run out of track if you don’t catch the calf in time. I wish it was a danceometer. You fill it up and all the cowboys in the stand jump down and perform a rousing version of “Oklahoma!” or something. The calf slips away in the confusion, escaping to a life running free on the plains, everybody wins.


The final event is Steer Wrestling and not, as this picture suggests, Riding a Bull Like a Motorcycle and Drop-Kicking a Horse.


Steer wrestling is a mixture of previous events’ controls schemes, with the first part being much like calf roping: get your horse alongside the bull without crashing into anything. Once you’re in position, press fire you jump from your horse and grab the bull by the, well, you know. You can retry the events as many times as you like, so I’d recommend jumping when you’re nowhere near the bull at least once because it’s pretty funny watching the cowboy swan-dive into the mud.


Okay, so you’ve got a grip on the furious, thrashing bull and you’re probably thinking “maybe this wasn’t the best idea I’ve ever had, I should have stuck with gold prospecting or whistling along the lonesome trail or whatever else it is that cowboys do.” Tough, you’re here now and you’ve got a steer to wrestle. That means more joystick waggling. Here’s what the resulting struggle ’twixt man and beast looks like.


That bull is not pleased about this turn of events. Excellent work here on the artist’s part, managing to capture a look of pure black hatred in the steer’s eyes. The cowboy might have wrestled it to the ground, but he’s going to have to let go at some point and then, well, there’s probably a reason that this is the last event.


With all events cleared the game abruptly ends, and you’re back to the main menu where you can reflect on what you’ve just experienced. I’ll tell you what I experienced – the horrible sensation of having multiple songs stuck in my head at once, thanks to Buffalo Bill’s Wild West Show having a soundtrack containing extremely jaunty versions of tracks like “Oh Susanna” and the William Tell Overture, every one of which reminds me of watching old Hanna-Barbera cartoons.
As for the gameplay, it’s a mixture of the passable and the annoying. The shooting events are okay, although too basic to hold your interest, the cattle-grabbing games are a bit more enjoyable but still very limited and the stagecoach chase is a festering lesion on Satan’s ballbag. Okay, that’s going a bit far but it definitely isn’t fun. I’m sticking by my assertion that the graphics are by far the best part of Buffalo Bill’s Wild West Show, but apart from the visual flair on display it’s just yet another entry in the long, long list of underwhelming home computer multi event sports games – and it didn’t make me want to say yee-haw even once.


One last thing – I checked the high score tables to see how well I’d done (answer: not very) and saw that the developers had populated the board with “comedy” names, including members of the Addams Family, characters from the Rik Mayall / Adrian Edmondson shows The Young Ones and Filthy, Rich and Catflap and the set pictured above, which are all characters from the “beloved” and definitely not for children British comic Viz. Roger Mellie, Buster Gonad, Billy the Fish, the gang’s all here. Of course, this is a sign that I should get around to covering the Viz computer game at some point. I might have to put a content warning on that one.

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