tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11293765549650748802024-03-13T07:52:45.647-07:00VGJUNKVideogames classic and obscure.VGJUNKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10847169968000988460noreply@blogger.comBlogger716125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1129376554965074880.post-49304009219506472922019-11-03T10:57:00.000-08:002019-11-03T10:57:45.286-08:00So, I Stopped Updating VGJunk<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
There hasn’t been
a new VGJunk article in nine months – wow, <i>nine months</i>, really?
Even I didn’t think it had been that long – so as you can
probably tell, VGJunk is closed for business. I really should have
mentioned something about it earlier, but the unpleasant finality of
saying “right, VGJunk is over” kept putting me off. I thought
maybe I’d come back to it, and I did try a couple of times, but
those attempts were non-starters so here we are at The End. I also
held out through October just in case a new <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2015/10/halloween-trick-or-treat-pc.html"><i>Halloween Trick or Treat</i></a>
game was released, because I’d have come back for that. I know, I’m
as disappointed as you are.<br />
</div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
So why did I stop?
Normal, boring life reasons, I’m afraid. Lack of time, mostly. For
a big chunk of VGJunk’s run I was acting as a carer, which resulted
in a situation where I didn’t have a job to go to but I also
couldn’t get out of the house much; a fertile breeding ground for
bad jokes about long-forgotten ZX Spectrum games. That’s all
changed, and amongst other things I’m working full time - and after spending all day
typing things into a computer in an office I’m not exactly
desperate to come home and spend all night typing things into a
computer. VGJunk articles may <i>look</i><span style="font-style: normal;">
like amateurish, hurriedly-cobbled-together things, and that’s
because they are – but each one took a pretty long time to put
together and that’s time I just don’t have any more. I can
scarcely believe I kept up the schedule that I did, frankly.</span><br />
</div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-style: normal;">I
also felt like I was getting into a bit of rut, writing articles just
for the sake of having put something out that week, and that the
standard of quality was slipping below my admittedly very low bar.
There’s no fun in forcing it, and I started VGJunk to be a fun
thing that would occupy me during some of the roughest times in my
life. In that sense, VGJunk was outshone its goals, because I did have a hell of a lot of fun writing these hundreds of thousands (millions, even) of words.</span><br />
</div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-style: normal;">So
that’s that. Will VGJunk ever return? Probably not, and it’s
especially unlikely to be in its old format, but never say never. I
do love writing, and I’ve been tentatively getting back into
writing some horror fiction and stuff like that, but that’s a hobby
that I’ll most likely keep to myself.</span><br />
</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<span style="font-style: normal;">As
always, a big thank you to everyone who read, shared and commented –
VGJunk’s readership was overwhelmingly a bunch of kind, insightful
and funny people, and I’m very pleased to think that I provided you
with some entertainment over the years. The articles will stay where they are for the forseeable future while I think about archiving them somehow, and if you have a particular
favourite VGJunk article, please feel free to let me know. <a href="https://twitter.com/vgjunk">I’m still around on Twitter @vgjunk</a>, and hey: we’ll always have <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2012/07/nsync-get-to-show-game-boy-color.html"><i>*NSYNC:Get to the Show</i></a>.</span><br />
<span style="font-style: normal;"><br /></span>
<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-EYvYiUezJc4/Xb8ie9AuFCI/AAAAAAAAgOA/JLjjPg688xMLf2wAJihUDeKh6g-PGXMaQCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/ns18x.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="864" data-original-width="960" height="288" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-EYvYiUezJc4/Xb8ie9AuFCI/AAAAAAAAgOA/JLjjPg688xMLf2wAJihUDeKh6g-PGXMaQCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/ns18x.png" width="320" /></a></div>
</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-style: normal;">Best
wishes to you all,</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-style: normal;">VGJunk</span></div>
VGJUNKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10847169968000988460noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1129376554965074880.post-9228594483035341662019-02-03T10:32:00.000-08:002019-02-03T10:32:20.311-08:00KNIGHT GAME COVERSHello there. It’s been a while, huh? That’s real life for you, always getting in the way and being an endless slog filled with responsibilities and hardship whose heavy burden is only lifted by the sweet embrace of death. I kid, I kid, I’m doing okay, I’m just busy and tired – but I can’t stay away from VGJunk forever, so I’m going to ease myself back in with a look at another selection of home computer game cover art! This time all the featured games have “knight” in the title, for no other reason than me thinking “hey, I bet there are a bunch of computer games with ‘knight’ in the title.” The process by which I select topics for VGJunk articles is not a deep, scientific one. Anyway, let’s get cracking!<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Knight Force, PC</b></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-CA-9dcQqM54/XFcOvCcy8jI/AAAAAAAAgK4/VDoVf3WjLMkUx099698dyTMm-bTxTT4bgCLcBGAs/s1600/kc01.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1079" data-original-width="800" height="640" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-CA-9dcQqM54/XFcOvCcy8jI/AAAAAAAAgK4/VDoVf3WjLMkUx099698dyTMm-bTxTT4bgCLcBGAs/s640/kc01.jpg" width="474" /></a></div>
<br />
Now that’s the kind of thing you’d expect to see on the cover of a game about knights – a warrior in shining armour facing off against an enormous dragon. A classic image, I’m sure you’ll agree, harking back to the tales of Saint George, although as far as I recall Saint George didn’t have access to a magical sword that crackle<b>d</b> with lightning. He just had, you know, God. Take this as a baseline, then, a typical cover for an eighties computer game starring a knight. Nice and straightforward, even if now that I look closer I realise that the dragon has weirdly human knees. What else do we have?<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Knight Flight, Sinclair QL</b></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-14rD5DJ_I1M/XFcOuwObiDI/AAAAAAAAgK0/Pqh5TbRcRLgSSdj1Qn6SlvJADkFWdNNLACLcBGAs/s1600/kc02.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="730" data-original-width="517" height="640" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-14rD5DJ_I1M/XFcOuwObiDI/AAAAAAAAgK0/Pqh5TbRcRLgSSdj1Qn6SlvJADkFWdNNLACLcBGAs/s640/kc02.jpg" width="453" /></a></div>
<br />
Already things are beginning to get a bit weird, with a knight who gives off a futuristic vibe despite there being nothing on his armour that couldn’t have been created by a medieval blacksmith with a very forward-thinking sense of fashion. He reminds me of Ramirez from the <i>Highlander</i> movies. I think it’s the earring. Forget about the knight, though, and take a look at that thing on the right. What the hell<i> is</i> it? A staff? A sword with the worst handle imaginable? The unholy offspring of a giraffe and a dolphin? Because that’s definitely a dolphin’s head, wearing a vaguely Roman helmet. A dolphin with a very human-looking eye. Is that going to be the theme of this article? Creatures with one human body part? Whatever the dolphin stick is, it’s making me want to play<i> Knight Flight</i> just to find out, so on that evidence this must be good cover art.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Knight Tyme, Commodore 64</b></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dXuZ8c2ze_0/XFcOvHvTMfI/AAAAAAAAgK8/JCTZsAFCedwVN1Q28b7bITsQyE-ibRpMgCLcBGAs/s1600/kc03.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1272" data-original-width="800" height="640" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dXuZ8c2ze_0/XFcOvHvTMfI/AAAAAAAAgK8/JCTZsAFCedwVN1Q28b7bITsQyE-ibRpMgCLcBGAs/s640/kc03.jpg" width="402" /></a></div>
<br />
Oh yes, we’re going to be seeing a bunch of knight / night puns in this article. This one definitely has a futuristic theme, what with the spaceships and the Basil Wolverton-esque aliens, which makes it interesting that the knight himself looks, well, just like a regular knight. Maybe that’s a space helmet. And space greaves. And a space cape. Hang on a second – that belt, the little skirt, the circular clasps holding his cape in place… if this knight wasn’t copied from a picture of Doctor Doom I would be very surprised. However, he’s got one thing that Doctor Doom doesn’t – one small red stick. Quick, someone find this space knight a drum kit and he can join a Def Leppard tribute band.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>The Black Knight, ZX Spectrum</b></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-eNSktza__hg/XFcOv2bLOnI/AAAAAAAAgLA/W7L-s0YhN1kd9ia9nTdRBfmYK7yEX06jQCLcBGAs/s1600/kc04.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="388" data-original-width="364" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-eNSktza__hg/XFcOv2bLOnI/AAAAAAAAgLA/W7L-s0YhN1kd9ia9nTdRBfmYK7yEX06jQCLcBGAs/s1600/kc04.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
“Oh, bloody hell, there’s no knights in this clipart collection. Guess it’ll just have to be a cartoon wizard, then.”<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Demon Knight, Commodore 64</b></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fB06vykfj3I/XFcOv8J0KvI/AAAAAAAAgLE/MdHu9R4Uud4cHzMiyg8WaI1l_7G8CemkwCLcBGAs/s1600/kc05.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="494" data-original-width="364" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fB06vykfj3I/XFcOv8J0KvI/AAAAAAAAgLE/MdHu9R4Uud4cHzMiyg8WaI1l_7G8CemkwCLcBGAs/s1600/kc05.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
Here’s a game that I’m sad to report is <i>not</i> an adaptation of the <i>Tales From the Crypt </i>movie<i> Demon Knight,</i> a film that stars Billy Zane giving it more ham than all the butchers in Spain and an appearance by the late Dick Miller. Hop on Youtube some time and search for “demon knight billy zane” and you’ll see what I mean. This <i>Demon Knight</i> features no Billy Zane, but it does tout itself as “a terrifyingly difficult adventure,” something that is not communicated by the cover art. You know what this cover art reminds me of? Doing brass rubbings on a school trip. <i>Chilling</i>.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Killer Knight, ZX Spectrum</b></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-As3y0eJyMU8/XFcOwCI5hzI/AAAAAAAAgLI/aIelG-Zt0n0e-nbBWoLOjjM4hwKkLt1mQCLcBGAs/s1600/kc06.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="388" data-original-width="247" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-As3y0eJyMU8/XFcOwCI5hzI/AAAAAAAAgLI/aIelG-Zt0n0e-nbBWoLOjjM4hwKkLt1mQCLcBGAs/s1600/kc06.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
From a Demon Knight to a Killer Knight now, with another futuristic space-knight. Now you might be looking at this cover and thinking, “hey, this sure looks like it would be a <i>Bomberman</i> clone,” and I can see where you’re coming from. Those definitely look like bombs and the knight’s visor gives him something of a Bomberman-like appearance, but no. It’s actually a<i> Donkey Kong </i>clone. The knight throws cannonballs rather than barrels, and while obviously I cannot one hundred percent confirm that there <i>isn’t</i> a gorilla under that plate armour I’m fairly certain it’s just a bloke. Other than that it’s <i>Donkey Kong</i>, except really bad. I do quite like the cover art, though. It’s fun trying to decide if that thing coming out of his head is a white feather plume or he’s blowing a jet of steam out of his head in the manner of an angry cartoon character. <br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Knight Fall, ZX Spectrum</b></div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Wvm4uFIF9Hk/XFcOwtKkITI/AAAAAAAAgLM/8h_9_Y7lYDUU9qJhGeu6aCOxIn6L74JsACLcBGAs/s1600/kc07.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="582" data-original-width="363" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Wvm4uFIF9Hk/XFcOwtKkITI/AAAAAAAAgLM/8h_9_Y7lYDUU9qJhGeu6aCOxIn6L74JsACLcBGAs/s1600/kc07.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
See what I mean about the knight / night puns? Anyway, this isn’t a very interesting cover but I included it because it’s by Pirate Games and that seems like a very dangerous thing to call your computer game company in the days of home taping. The risk of someone seeing it and thinking “Pirate games? Don’t mind if I do!” surely outweighs the benefits of having a cool skull-and-crossbones logo.<br />
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<b>The Knight’s Quest, ZX Spectrum</b></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-6e8mEVZ0PDY/XFcOwwMZcPI/AAAAAAAAgLQ/e4Xb0ruYZqIHqSlvsMwb_QhNzgZSlAabQCLcBGAs/s1600/kc08.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="579" data-original-width="374" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-6e8mEVZ0PDY/XFcOwwMZcPI/AAAAAAAAgLQ/e4Xb0ruYZqIHqSlvsMwb_QhNzgZSlAabQCLcBGAs/s1600/kc08.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
Oh, but I do so love these hand-drawn, amateur ZX Spectrum covers. They’re just so darned charming, and this is a good example of the form. Sure, the angular visor makes it look like the knight’s balancing a toaster on his head and he’s got one huge blue monobrow, but it’s got <i>character</i>.<br />
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<b>Knights of Legend, Commodore 64.</b></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-7wAqe_MlcVA/XFcOxAloceI/AAAAAAAAgLU/URwtDR-D_d8L7Lv0M9xK_1zTFAkKaBMDgCLcBGAs/s1600/kc09.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1192" data-original-width="800" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-7wAqe_MlcVA/XFcOxAloceI/AAAAAAAAgLU/URwtDR-D_d8L7Lv0M9xK_1zTFAkKaBMDgCLcBGAs/s640/kc09.jpg" width="428" /></a></div>
<br />
“Grr,” says the knight of legend. “<i>Grrrr.</i>” He’s put a lot of work into projecting a fearsome image of strength: the sword pose that allows him to show off his biceps, the chainmail bib that offers little protection but which does give a barely-impeded view of his bulging abs. Sure, he’ll last about six second in a battle before someone who knows what they're doing rams a dagger between his exposed ribs, but until then ye comely maidens in yon village taverne are going to be feeling a lot less chaste than usual.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Cyberknights, ZX Spectrum</b></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-FZ2l7XHeDl8/XFcOxZqPH5I/AAAAAAAAgLY/6caKz6jqKX0zyd_Zle2SrAbXg23wto6YACLcBGAs/s1600/kc11.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="483" data-original-width="377" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-FZ2l7XHeDl8/XFcOxZqPH5I/AAAAAAAAgLY/6caKz6jqKX0zyd_Zle2SrAbXg23wto6YACLcBGAs/s1600/kc11.jpg" /></a></div>
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Ah yes, the story of Cyberknight, the warrior from the distant future who can only (ahem) achieve completion by rubbing his groin on steel girders like The Asylum’s version of <i>Tetsuo: The Iron Man</i>. Every construction site and builder’s merchants in Neo-Camelot has posters up warning employees to call the astro-police should the Cyberknight appear, his loins coated with WD-40 and a lascivious glint in his eyes.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Kung Fu Knights, ZX Spectrum</b></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rv9jxnBcYCc/XFcOxqn2_RI/AAAAAAAAgLc/LnPFO-q4LjcRhtFowJ1fSajWOsea6XIZgCLcBGAs/s1600/kc12.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="539" data-original-width="408" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rv9jxnBcYCc/XFcOxqn2_RI/AAAAAAAAgLc/LnPFO-q4LjcRhtFowJ1fSajWOsea6XIZgCLcBGAs/s1600/kc12.jpg" /></a></div>
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No, not <i>Dark Souls</i> with the Wood Grain Ring equipped but actual knights engaging in martial arts combat. See, the one of the right appears to be using Mike Haggar’s spinning lariat technique, because why not borrow from the best? Given that both combatants are wearing full suits of armour, I imagine that these knightly kung fu battles go on until one of the combatants dies of dehydration rather than because someone landed a telling blow. This is all a moot point, anyway, because the game’s blurb states that you have to punch and kick your way through the game – but then casually drops in that the knight also has a Colt 45. With no disrespect intended to kung fu practitioners the world over, I feel that makes the fisticuffs kind of redundant.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Knight Games, PC</b></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-b164dyf2JPc/XFcOx6B4BaI/AAAAAAAAgLg/SVRrK-QmqjcQpob5YYuvCa7anzIswqiGQCLcBGAs/s1600/kc13.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="800" height="640" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-b164dyf2JPc/XFcOx6B4BaI/AAAAAAAAgLg/SVRrK-QmqjcQpob5YYuvCa7anzIswqiGQCLcBGAs/s640/kc13.jpg" width="426" /></a></div>
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Here’s some cover art that’s just straight up good, a bit of classic fantasy illustration that nicely captures the brutality of medieval combat. Seriously, how hard would you have to whack someone in the noggin on order to break the handle of <i>your </i>mace? I think we can safely say that the knight in the foreground has been thoroughly bested in these knight games. Oh, and don’t let the quality of the cover art fool you; <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2014/12/knight-games-commodore-64.html">I’ve actually covered<i> Knight Games </i>in the past</a> and it’s a bit rubbish.<br />
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<b>Knights of the Desert, Commodore 64</b></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-9xYl0DhflLg/XFcOyD2MaGI/AAAAAAAAgLk/_tEHlhoclZgidWBUTg97GUpn1uBeatCzwCLcBGAs/s1600/kc14.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1065" data-original-width="800" height="640" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-9xYl0DhflLg/XFcOyD2MaGI/AAAAAAAAgLk/_tEHlhoclZgidWBUTg97GUpn1uBeatCzwCLcBGAs/s640/kc14.jpg" width="480" /></a></div>
<br />
“I say, Stanley, I’m sure that these two-hundred foot tall mounted knights are going to put the fear of God into old Jerry, eh?”<br />
“Too right and no mistake, sir. Almost makes me wonder why we bothered with the all the tanks, sir.”<br />
“Ours is not to reason why, Stanley. Let’s just hope that there is plenty of hay waiting for us in Tobruk.”<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Knight Lore, ZX Spectrum</b></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-upsoSA_W5CA/XFcOyVmpzFI/AAAAAAAAgLo/dN14cQBFb94kXgAaSerVmuOrZPLnRG0MgCLcBGAs/s1600/kc15.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="575" data-original-width="393" height="640" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-upsoSA_W5CA/XFcOyVmpzFI/AAAAAAAAgLo/dN14cQBFb94kXgAaSerVmuOrZPLnRG0MgCLcBGAs/s640/kc15.jpg" width="436" /></a></div>
<br />
I feel like someone would call me out on it if I didn’t include<i> Knight Lore</i> in this article. So here it is. It’s not a very interesting cover. An engraving of a three-headed demon whose heads have all simultaneously realised that they’ve just stood in dog muck with no shoes on. Like I say, not thrilling, but here it is.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Knight Moves, PC</b></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-XIXFfNTvPHI/XFcOywEH3DI/AAAAAAAAgLs/e49zqLuKLcM9qW1lOr5D_Fj4QMGdkYPVgCLcBGAs/s1600/kc16.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="930" data-original-width="791" height="640" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-XIXFfNTvPHI/XFcOywEH3DI/AAAAAAAAgLs/e49zqLuKLcM9qW1lOr5D_Fj4QMGdkYPVgCLcBGAs/s640/kc16.jpg" width="544" /></a></div>
<br />
Hell yeah, a jack o’lantern! Picking knight-based games to cover finally pays off. Halloween seems like so long ago. Nice “tablecloth from an Italian restaurant” look you’ve got there, pumpkin man. But we’re here for the knights today, so let’s take a look at the chap in the centre and then suddenly realise that he’s wearing socks. Are those <i>chainmail</i> socks? Good god, imagine walking around wearing heavy metal boots filled with small metal rings. No wonder the “knight moves” in question seem to be a kind of hobbled, contorted lunge.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Knight Orc, Commodore 64</b></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HQuXWqdUtc8/XFcOzPUd8II/AAAAAAAAgLw/p2sUJ1nhW8IsPwR-8SNtjqKPcVVta1gOQCLcBGAs/s1600/kc17.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1098" data-original-width="781" height="640" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HQuXWqdUtc8/XFcOzPUd8II/AAAAAAAAgLw/p2sUJ1nhW8IsPwR-8SNtjqKPcVVta1gOQCLcBGAs/s640/kc17.jpg" width="454" /></a></div>
<br />
Is that supposed to be a pun on “nighthawk”? Previous experience suggests that it is, but this is also a cover depicting actual orc knights, jousting from atop giant wolves and presumably have a whale of a time. They probably want to get their direwolves to the vet, mind. That much bleeding in the mouth is a sign of serious gum disease and I imagine it’s hard to get Dentastix® on the blasted plains of Mordor.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Future Knight, Commodore 64</b></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-nw7Zh_kLlv0/XFcOzbCa8uI/AAAAAAAAgL0/DfzGfB8vL10N1GQXyUe6i92Ugq7FGz2igCLcBGAs/s1600/kc18.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="757" data-original-width="800" height="604" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-nw7Zh_kLlv0/XFcOzbCa8uI/AAAAAAAAgL0/DfzGfB8vL10N1GQXyUe6i92Ugq7FGz2igCLcBGAs/s640/kc18.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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Oh yeah, now we’re talking. Definitely my favourite of today’s covers is <i>Future Knight</i>, where a future knight with a face that I’m sure is ripped off from a <i>Turrican</i> cover rides a future horse with what appear to be spiked nipples just below its neck. A blast from his laser-lance explodes a goblin, who appears to have already been laying down and begging for mercy, while another goblin and werewolf look on. A jet of fire blazes from the horse’s arse, so if the bottom falls out of the monster-slaying business then at least the Future Knight can clean up at the Grand National. Truly an awe-inspiring sight, I’m sure you’ll agree. But wait a minute, I’m sure I’ve seen that horse somewhere before…<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-wr7H1jCd_Mw/XFcOzrUTy-I/AAAAAAAAgL4/EkhDA-VHjAAn1LBglwQdBLfbLSiqFArAwCLcBGAs/s1600/kc19.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="300" data-original-width="257" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-wr7H1jCd_Mw/XFcOzrUTy-I/AAAAAAAAgL4/EkhDA-VHjAAn1LBglwQdBLfbLSiqFArAwCLcBGAs/s1600/kc19.png" /></a></div>
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It’s the braying, number-spewing disco-bingo equestrobot from <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2016/11/sachens-unlicensed-nes-game-covers.html">the cover of Sachen’s unlicensed NES game <i>Lucky Bingo</i></a>, a cover that I have claimed in the past is possibly the greatest videogame cover of all time! That’s a position I’m sticking with, but <i>Future Knight</i>’s cover is still pretty bloody fantastic.<br />
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<b>Knight Rider, Commodore 64</b></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8JSWBBAtskU/XFcO0KgBlXI/AAAAAAAAgL8/fMoNTyepg1EXe7X72zUL5udId6fZZrq7wCLcBGAs/s1600/kc20.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1522" data-original-width="1179" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8JSWBBAtskU/XFcO0KgBlXI/AAAAAAAAgL8/fMoNTyepg1EXe7X72zUL5udId6fZZrq7wCLcBGAs/s640/kc20.jpg" width="494" /></a></div>
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Finally for today, here’s a picture of David Hasselhoff. You’re welcome.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Recently on VGJUNK:</b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/12/the-vgjunk-2018-review.html">The 2018 VGJunk Review!</a><b> </b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/12/christmas-wonderland-9-pc.html">Festive eyestrain in <i>Christmas Wonderland 9!</i></a><b> </b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/12/the-lost-eggs-of-gertie-goose-commodore.html">Audacious egg heist <i>Gertie Goose!</i></a><b> </b><br />
<b> </b></div>
VGJUNKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10847169968000988460noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1129376554965074880.post-1029234128812453362018-12-31T10:19:00.004-08:002018-12-31T14:48:47.667-08:00THE VGJUNK 2018 REVIEW!It seems as though it’s become traditional for me to start these year-end reviews by saying “man, what a horrible, wearisome year 2015 / 2016/ 2017 / 2018 (delete as appropriate) was on both a personal and a broader social level.” Perhaps 2019 will be less dreadful, but I wouldn’t bank on it. My plan is to start putting a pound in a jar every time I see something on the news that makes me say “what the fuck,” and with Brexit coming up I reckon that by around April the jar will be full enough for me to buy a small uninhabited island to live on.Actually, I’ve got a lot of big life changes coming up at the start of the year and they’re going to affect how much time I can put into VGJunk. There’ll definitely be fewer articles and probably a very irregular schedule. It sucks and I’ll miss spending so much time writing bad jokes about old videogames, but that’s life. For now, though, let’s take a look at some of the winners and losers from 2018’s batch of articles!<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Biggest Disappointment</b></div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-fJF4C6mzfTs/XCpch3y-nnI/AAAAAAAAgI4/Qc5WbAGE__gmVPaj8jmZTvJb_rc4SCxMwCLcBGAs/s1600/1801.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="478" data-original-width="634" height="301" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-fJF4C6mzfTs/XCpch3y-nnI/AAAAAAAAgI4/Qc5WbAGE__gmVPaj8jmZTvJb_rc4SCxMwCLcBGAs/s400/1801.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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I really wanted <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/01/super-star-wars-snes.html"><i>Super Star Wars</i></a> to be a better game than it is, because the graphics and sound make it feel like the closest thing to actually being in a <i>Star Wars</i> movie that 1992 could offer… but the gameplay is a frustrating, overly-difficult mess of endlessly spawning bad guys and pain-in-the-arse platforming. However, I suppose it’s not technically “disappointing” because I already knew <i>Super Star Wars</i> wasn’t great, so instead this award goes to the mobile game <i><a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/10/castlevania-order-of-shadows-mobile.html">Castlevania: Order of Shadows</a>.</i> Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t expecting a mobile phone adaptation of Konami’s famous franchise to be some hidden masterpiece, but I hoped it would at least be competent. Order of Shadows is <i>not</i> competent, with awful, unresponsive controls and combat that has all the heft and weight of a moth’s fart. Oh, and a special mention should go to <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/10/ghoul-patrol-snes.html"><i>Ghoul Patrol</i></a> for not being nearly as good as <i>Zombies Ate My Neighbors.</i><br />
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<b>Most Shameless Rip-Off</b></div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-CTSG_WJ608A/XCpch0yaVLI/AAAAAAAAgI8/0NLaD68HAHwQuQm0_FSMRGdt_cOUx4ZfgCLcBGAs/s1600/1802.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="512" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-CTSG_WJ608A/XCpch0yaVLI/AAAAAAAAgI8/0NLaD68HAHwQuQm0_FSMRGdt_cOUx4ZfgCLcBGAs/s1600/1802.png" /></a></div>
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A hard category to judge this year, because I mostly played straight-up bootlegs a rather than legitimate, official games that copied from their peers. There was <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/01/jue-zhan-tian-huang-arcade.html"><i>Jue Zhan Tian Huang</i></a>, the knock-off beat-em-up that stole sprites from <i>King of Fighters</i> and <i>Street Fighter</i> games to create a side-scrolling brawler that just went on and <i>on and <b>on</b></i> in an unrelenting death-march of tedium. Oh, and there was <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/09/black-touch-96-arcade.html"><i>Black Touch 96</i></a>, the <i>other</i> brawler with stolen sprites (and mildly saucy anime girl pictures). I think I’ll have to give this one to Master System platformer <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/05/super-bioman-1-master-system.html"><i>Super Bioman 1</i></a>, the <i>Super Mario Bros. 3</i> clone starring a Teletubby and “turtles” that look like the result of crossbreeding a turtle and an army helmet. I certainly appreciate <i>Bioman</i>’s sheer cheek, and it ends up being kind of cute in its own off-brand way.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Biggest Waste of A License</b></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-588NH-qVrpU/XCpch_hlL4I/AAAAAAAAgJA/O0cJFJCbV20Um-LTHNYVev7DarYRgPaqgCLcBGAs/s1600/1803.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="435" data-original-width="639" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-588NH-qVrpU/XCpch_hlL4I/AAAAAAAAgJA/O0cJFJCbV20Um-LTHNYVev7DarYRgPaqgCLcBGAs/s1600/1803.png" /></a></div>
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I suppose you could argue that turning <i>Street Fighter II</i> into a whack-a-mole game is a “waste” of that franchise’s famous stars, but <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/01/ken-sei-mogura-street-fighter-arcade.html"><i>Ken Sei Mogura: Street Fighter</i></a> is such a bizarre thing that’s it’s hard not to be glad it exists. I suppose my pick for this category would have to be <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/05/gremlins-adventure-commodore-64.html"><i>Gremlins: The Adventure</i></a>, which wasn’t a bad game but which could have done with a lot more gremlins and a lot less time spent welding metal plates.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Most Pleasant Surprise</b></div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-S2xYgjVrVb4/XCpcitxmZDI/AAAAAAAAgJE/suyqXpq8Yr82bgEY5R8AaWixl_GV9e-jwCLcBGAs/s1600/1804.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="496" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-S2xYgjVrVb4/XCpcitxmZDI/AAAAAAAAgJE/suyqXpq8Yr82bgEY5R8AaWixl_GV9e-jwCLcBGAs/s1600/1804.png" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/03/sunman-nes.html"><i>Sunman</i></a> might be an unpolished, unreleased NES Superman game with all the Superman stuff scrubbed off and replaced by a very generic superhero, but it turned out to be more enjoyable that I was expecting and with some extra work I could have seen it becoming a cult favourite. Even better than <i>Sunman</i> was <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/10/new-ghostbusters-ii-nes.html"><i>New Ghostbusters II</i></a>, the never-released-in-the-US movie tie-in. Having played <i>other Ghostbusters</i> games before I didn’t hold out much hope, but <i>New Ghostbusters II</i> turned out to be a really enjoyable slice of top-down zap-n-trap action, with a fun buddy system, adorable graphics and a fantastic soundtrack. Plus, writing about it also lead to actor Peter MacNicol seeing the sprite of himself as creepy baby-snatcher Janosz for the first time ever, so that was fun.<br />
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<b>Weirdest Concept</b></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-PPxGNP-OFCc/XCpci00MHsI/AAAAAAAAgJI/jS36zjtr-0IoGV5wcbG3jvqYwb8Dzo6wACLcBGAs/s1600/1805.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-PPxGNP-OFCc/XCpci00MHsI/AAAAAAAAgJI/jS36zjtr-0IoGV5wcbG3jvqYwb8Dzo6wACLcBGAs/s1600/1805.png" /></a></div>
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There’s no competition for this category – the prize goes to <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/02/super-duck-arcade.html"><i>Super Duck</i></a>, the arcade game that tells the story of an angel who falls in love with a mortal girl. Then the mortal girl is kidnapped by The Satan, so the angel asks God for help. God’s plan is even more ineffable than usual, because he turns the angel into a duck. The duck travels into Hell. The duck fights monsters by farting on them. I squinted so hard and said “huh” so loud when I saw this that my face almost turned inside-out.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Best In-Game Text</b></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dbCZ-Ni-B_c/XCpcjmouYAI/AAAAAAAAgJQ/f3H916oynPQT_2TViZoDbEeLyzytNTCsgCLcBGAs/s1600/1806.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dbCZ-Ni-B_c/XCpcjmouYAI/AAAAAAAAgJQ/f3H916oynPQT_2TViZoDbEeLyzytNTCsgCLcBGAs/s640/1806.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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A lot of good examples this year, as there are every year, so let’s begin with one I covered recently; it’s festive HOG <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/12/christmas-wonderland-9-pc.html"><i>Christmas Wonderland 9</i></a>, and some very strange capitalization from a child who is almost certainly some kind of undercover android on a mission to infiltrate Santa’s lair.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-kfmxcwQ9j0s/XCpcjm3XHQI/AAAAAAAAgJM/PqHVpVwbxWIpsL8efCi5bPAGJ3Gx3j9JgCLcBGAs/s1600/1807.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="640" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-kfmxcwQ9j0s/XCpcjm3XHQI/AAAAAAAAgJM/PqHVpVwbxWIpsL8efCi5bPAGJ3Gx3j9JgCLcBGAs/s1600/1807.gif" /></a></div>
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I also enjoyed this worryingly smooth dog from <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/06/vr-troopers-megadrive-genesis.html"><i>VR Troopers</i></a> on the Megadrive asking for pizza. Having watched through <i>The Sopranos</i> multiple times, it’s hard not to read “I’m starvin’ here!” in a thick New Jersey accent.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3Il__bF_xLk/XCpcjyI5kcI/AAAAAAAAgJU/6tlMzlcNiqwNPk4fr_6e3GxlxLKSoaW3QCLcBGAs/s1600/1808.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3Il__bF_xLk/XCpcjyI5kcI/AAAAAAAAgJU/6tlMzlcNiqwNPk4fr_6e3GxlxLKSoaW3QCLcBGAs/s1600/1808.png" /></a></div>
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The winner has to be the billboards in arcade skiing game <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/07/extreme-downhill-arcade.html"><i>Extreme Downhill</i></a>, though. The hoardings that read “GOD SAVE ME!” are pretty good, but even they are topped by the ones that simply say “Little Bastard” with no context or explanation.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Best Screenshot</b></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-xgc2MnxZdNY/XCpckokckwI/AAAAAAAAgJY/_TZ98jq6p_EQZVGDPnI1_XLp5j-THPgnACLcBGAs/s1600/1809.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="635" data-original-width="1132" height="358" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-xgc2MnxZdNY/XCpckokckwI/AAAAAAAAgJY/_TZ98jq6p_EQZVGDPnI1_XLp5j-THPgnACLcBGAs/s640/1809.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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The moment in the fantastically daft <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/02/sinister-city-pc.html"><i>Sinister City</i></a> when the main character slowly rotated a vampire-slaying stake to reveal it was made in China genuinely made me laugh out loud. You could also include a screenshot of the part of the game where a vampire presents a kid’s TV show while dressed as an evil Teletubby. That was good, too.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-GqNk7NUbB4g/XCpck-uCBuI/AAAAAAAAgJc/b7p1D3XARg8adBedLbjDx_sxZryK2WAYwCLcBGAs/s1600/1810.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="512" data-original-width="543" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-GqNk7NUbB4g/XCpck-uCBuI/AAAAAAAAgJc/b7p1D3XARg8adBedLbjDx_sxZryK2WAYwCLcBGAs/s1600/1810.png" /></a></div>
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It turns out I can still be far more entertained by my own immaturity than I probably <i>should</i> be, as proven by this screenshot from <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/04/grannys-garden-bbc-micro.html"><i>Granny’s Garden </i></a>where I entered “dongs” as a favourite food.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-jpIW13wXY5k/XCpck6yFG3I/AAAAAAAAgJg/JYAN92KMPIQdQgkm4Xv6SqXUwYR7JSVVwCLcBGAs/s1600/1811.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="440" data-original-width="679" height="413" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-jpIW13wXY5k/XCpck6yFG3I/AAAAAAAAgJg/JYAN92KMPIQdQgkm4Xv6SqXUwYR7JSVVwCLcBGAs/s640/1811.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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For pure hilarity, however, nothing else from this year can top Mickey Mouse’s facial expression from <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/06/mickeys-jigsaw-puzzles-amiga.html"><i>Mickey’s Jigsaw Puzzles</i></a>. He looks like he was killed by accidentally sitting on a large metal spike before being stuffed by taxidermist with no hands.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Best Soundtrack</b></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<iframe allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/MJM5iJl8YH0" width="560"></iframe></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
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<div style="text-align: left;">
I’ve already mentioned a couple of contenders for this category, with HAL turning in a fantastic set of tracks for <i>New Ghostbusters II</i> and <i>Super Star Wars</i>’ use of the movie’s soundtracks being one of the best things about the game. Another candidate would be the varied and often surprising soundtrack from Namco’s experimental arcade fighter <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/11/knuckle-heads-arcade.html"><i>Knuckle Heads</i></a>. They’re all good picks, but top of the charts for me is The Surf Coaster’s surf-rock soundtrack for <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/08/felony-11-79-runabout-ps1.html"><i>Felony 11-79</i></a> – the perfect accompaniment from that game’s hectic (and occasionally janky) smash-and-crash racing action.</div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Worst Game</b></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-asbbxYRHWCI/XCpclVNOvkI/AAAAAAAAgJk/4RHUt4-jOzsKmUF_yNP5dcCThDVDQNV4wCLcBGAs/s1600/1812.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="350" data-original-width="510" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-asbbxYRHWCI/XCpclVNOvkI/AAAAAAAAgJk/4RHUt4-jOzsKmUF_yNP5dcCThDVDQNV4wCLcBGAs/s1600/1812.png" /></a></div>
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This year, I played a bunch of bad games but surprisingly few that lurched out at me as heinous, hateful abominations. Many of them were technically functional but simply very boring, like the seemingly endless <i>Jue Zhan Tian Huang</i> or <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/06/wwf-wrestlemania-steel-cage-challenge.html"><i>WWF Wrestlemania: Steel Cage Challenge</i></a>, a game that takes the larger-than-life razzmatazz of professional wrestling and does an almost frighteningly good job of sucking all the fun and colour out of it. Oh, and who could forget ZX Spectrum “game” <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/09/sas-combat-assault-zx-spectrum.html"><i>SAS Combat Assault</i></a>, which featured neither combat nor assaults (and I’m dubious abut the main character’s SAS credentials, too). However, I had a good long think about it and I realised that the game I hated the most this year was <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/10/vampire-killer-zx-spectrum.html"><i>Vampire Killer</i></a>. It's a tedious, pointless, unpleasant slog where you drag an arthritic idiot through a series of identical hallways. Nothing you do is important, everything happens at random and opening the wrong door sometimes sends you right back to the beginning of the game. Awful, absolutely awful.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Best Game</b></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-TTPUYHXk3Mo/XCpclsLkaQI/AAAAAAAAgJo/_jNeKON72hA_sea8sJ76SdYLhN6jEz01wCLcBGAs/s1600/1813.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="496" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-TTPUYHXk3Mo/XCpclsLkaQI/AAAAAAAAgJo/_jNeKON72hA_sea8sJ76SdYLhN6jEz01wCLcBGAs/s1600/1813.png" /></a></div>
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It must have been a mediocre year all around, because just as I didn’t play much that was punishingly bad, I also played little that struck me as truly <i>excellent</i>. So let’s dial it down a notch to “pretty good” games – I played a few of those. <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/10/splatterhouse-3-megadrive-genesis.html"><i>Splatterhouse 3</i></a> continued the franchise’s dedication to beautiful, gore-drenched horror atmospherics and probably has the most enjoyable gameplay of the series, so that was fun. <i>Felony 11-79</i> is a fiddly, wonky game with strange handling and collisions, but that’s partly what makes it so charming, and when you’re barrelling down the highway and swerving between obstacles, it all clicks and makes for a madcap experience that still feels fairly unique. <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/06/world-cup-striker-snes.html"><i>World Cup Striker</i></a> is an exciting, all-action football game that plays at a breakneck pace. But you know what? I think I’m going to give it to <i>New Ghostbusters II</i>. It’s just <i>fun</i>. Good, honest fun, especially if you like <i>Ghostbusters</i> as much as I do. Sure, the battle against Janosz drags it down a bit, but I’ll forgive it that one blip. Of course, the only reason it’s getting my “best game” award is because there wasn’t another <i>Halloween: Trick or Treat</i> game for me to play this year – and <i>Christmas Wonderland 9</i> definitely didn't fill that particular gap.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>My Favourite Article</b></div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HZhx9ZruaPA/XCpclzxPrPI/AAAAAAAAgJs/YII1J4NYdnYSPqvRM2BVtN0QVvZylp4yACLcBGAs/s1600/1814.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="659" data-original-width="1176" height="358" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HZhx9ZruaPA/XCpclzxPrPI/AAAAAAAAgJs/YII1J4NYdnYSPqvRM2BVtN0QVvZylp4yACLcBGAs/s640/1814.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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I always enjoy doing articles about cover art, so the ones about <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/08/snooker-and-pool-computer-game-covers.html">snooker games covers</a> and <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/10/spooky-computer-game-covers-part-ii.html">spooky computer game artwork</a> stand out as being a pleasure to write. I also thoroughly enjoyed complaining about <i>Castlevania: Order of Shadows</i>, and I had a lot of fun with the wild, vampire-filled ride that was <i>Sinister City</i>. That said, I’m going to cheat and pick something that’s not an article for my favourite thing on the site this year – instead, it’s <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/04/a-light-inside.html"><i>A Light Inside</i></a>, the short visual novel I made for the site’s anniversary. I still feel some residual pride that I managed to create it all in about two weeks, although I haven’t looked at it since and I’m sure if I played it now I’d hate every single aspect of it. That’s just how my brain works, folks.<br />
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Well, there we are. That was 2018 here on VGJunk, and I hope you all enjoyed it. Thanks as always for reading, commenting and sharing the site of social media and whatnot, and feel free to let me know if there was an article that you particularly enjoyed this year. I have no clue what the future holds for VGJunk, but I hope there’s still be some entertainment to be gleaned from this sort of nonsense. I suppose we’ll just have to wait and see.<br />
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<b>Recently on VGJUNK:</b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/12/christmas-wonderland-9-pc.html">Festive eyestrain in <i>Christmas Wonderland 9!</i></a><b> </b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/12/the-lost-eggs-of-gertie-goose-commodore.html">Audacious egg heist <i>Gertie Goose!</i></a><b> </b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/11/knuckle-heads-arcade.html">Namco's fighting game <i>Knuckle Heads!</i></a><b><br /></b><br />
<b> </b></div>
VGJUNKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10847169968000988460noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1129376554965074880.post-86668922623829194292018-12-23T09:49:00.002-08:002018-12-23T09:49:37.792-08:00CHRISTMAS WONDERLAND 9 (PC)Good grief, is it really Christmas again already? The passage of time turly is a cruel and bitter wind that leaves your unfulfilled ambitions and fruitless dreams tangled and snarled like tattered flags. I mean, uh, happy holidays! And what could be a better way to celebrate the festive season than with a low-budget hidden object game? That’s right, there’s <i>no </i>better way to celebrate. Stop trying to think of one. It’s hidden object games or nothing, and today’s example is Casual Art’s 2018 jolly-old-saint-nick-em-up <i>Christmas Wonderland 9!</i><br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-NYAFqWXS5gs/XB_HsiqDjUI/AAAAAAAAgG0/N95slOoS6_YAcm3ta_-HUee_XnCDF8TZgCLcBGAs/s1600/cw01.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-NYAFqWXS5gs/XB_HsiqDjUI/AAAAAAAAgG0/N95slOoS6_YAcm3ta_-HUee_XnCDF8TZgCLcBGAs/s640/cw01.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">(click for larger images)</span></div>
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Yep, that looks like a Christmas wonderland to me. It’s got all your favourite festive treats – petrol pumps, light aircraft, small men on ladders, the works. I’m feeling more jolly already.<br />
Long-time VGJunk readers may well recognise the name of developer Casual Arts, because they’re also responsible for creating my beloved <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.co.uk/2015/10/halloween-trick-or-treat-pc.html"><i>Halloween Trick or Treat</i></a> series. Those are, naturally, Halloween-themed hidden object games and the Halloweeniness of them is 90% of the reason why I enjoy them so much… but I’m not nearly so fond of Christmas, so <i>Christmas Wonderland 9</i> is going to have to wow me with its gameplay rather than its aesthetics. I’m already annoyed that Casual Arts have made<i> nine</i> Christmas-themed games but only three about Halloween, so it’s got a lot of work to do.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-spGGSveBi54/XB_HsRJjBSI/AAAAAAAAgGw/heLxAa4VuWsuyuIflMkRWfu923iwQYPWACLcBGAs/s1600/cw02.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-spGGSveBi54/XB_HsRJjBSI/AAAAAAAAgGw/heLxAa4VuWsuyuIflMkRWfu923iwQYPWACLcBGAs/s640/cw02.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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The game’s “plot” opens with the return of some familiar faces: it’s Mike and Emma, the kids from <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2016/10/halloween-trick-or-treat-2-pc.html"><i>Halloween Trick or Treat 2</i></a>. Mike still looks like the version of Sid from a knock-off version of <i>Toy Story</i> called something like <i>Plaything Adventure</i>. Obviously I often exaggerate such things for effect, but please understand that in this case I do find Mike’s face <i>genuinely</i> unsettling. He’s the embodiment of the uncanny valley in Christmas sweater, and I hate him.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Qpiua013R3w/XB_HriKar2I/AAAAAAAAgGs/0EDA6VcCMtMD6t1avsJOg6AXi4Aj02ZhACLcBGAs/s1600/cw03.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Qpiua013R3w/XB_HriKar2I/AAAAAAAAgGs/0EDA6VcCMtMD6t1avsJOg6AXi4Aj02ZhACLcBGAs/s640/cw03.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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Emma also looks creepy, but she’s got more of a “haunted porcelain doll” look than Mike’s “eldritch entity attempts to take the form of a human child to ensnare unsuspecting prey” vibe. Anyway, not content with recently enjoying a sickeningly extravagant Halloween filled with more sweets than Nestle’s vaults, the two most spoiled children in the world have won a competition to visit Santa’s North Pole workshop via a ride on his magical Santa express. I can’t wait until the new year, when the kids stumble across the fabled city of El Dorado during a school field trip.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-mR4vPuUJ7tk/XB_HtVsGWwI/AAAAAAAAgG4/eJWtpURHvO0e_wNgQy7zhiJBQikQ7lAJACLcBGAs/s1600/cw04.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-mR4vPuUJ7tk/XB_HtVsGWwI/AAAAAAAAgG4/eJWtpURHvO0e_wNgQy7zhiJBQikQ7lAJACLcBGAs/s640/cw04.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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On to the gameplay, which is exactly what you’d expect from a hidden object game. There’s a list of items at the bottom of the screen, and you have to find those items in the cluttered, tinsel-strewn vista above. Find and click on all the items to finish the stage. That’s pretty much it. In fact, there’s even less for me to figure out than usual because <i>Christmas Wonderland 9</i> is exactly the same as <i>Halloween Trick or Treat 2</i>: the same layout, the same hint system, even some of the same UI graphics. The only difference is that rather than resembling a jumble sale at Forest J Ackerman’s house, all the scenes look as though they were created by shoving shredded Christmas catalogues into a leaf blower. Not that it’s all Christmas-related items here at the mall, oh no. There’s nothing festive about Uncle Sam on stilts, and the capering clown will obviously be fundamentally opposed to the idea of goodwill to all men. Still, it’s<i> very</i> Christmassy. <br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-60Y2OnJkWvg/XB_HuC8JzLI/AAAAAAAAgG8/LSMKOwU-wBUtCTuYlBGQ9OYzHVMcoGxCQCLcBGAs/s1600/cw05.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-60Y2OnJkWvg/XB_HuC8JzLI/AAAAAAAAgG8/LSMKOwU-wBUtCTuYlBGQ9OYzHVMcoGxCQCLcBGAs/s640/cw05.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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In between the hidden object scenes, <i>CW9 </i>serves up a variety of straightforward minigames, just like the Casual Arts’ Halloween games. In this case, it’s a jigsaw puzzle that you solve by putting the town’s landmarks in their proper places on the map. Don’t let this fool you, though. The North Pole in question might seem like it’s right next to the town, but it’s not some temporary grotto filled with families queuing in the rain and a couple of miserable reindeer – it’s the <i>actual</i> North Pole, where the real, magical Santa Claus lives. If this had happened to me when I was a kid my enjoyment would have been completely ruined by the crushing paranoia that I didn’t belong on the “nice” list, but Mike and Emma take it in their stride, probably because nothing bad has ever happened to them. Well, besides Mike’s face.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-nlL7rEzRv1k/XB_HuqhP_tI/AAAAAAAAgHA/xByt3vZLdVoKxs7zI9VPSbysouzzRHqSACLcBGAs/s1600/cw06.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-nlL7rEzRv1k/XB_HuqhP_tI/AAAAAAAAgHA/xByt3vZLdVoKxs7zI9VPSbysouzzRHqSACLcBGAs/s640/cw06.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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As the kids are driven to the train station so they can take the Polar Express to Santa’s workshop, we can take a moment to discuss some of the quirks of the hidden object gameplay. Go and read the <i>Halloween Trick or Treat 2</i> article, because they’re exactly the same as in that game. See, told you it’d only take a moment.<br />
Oh, okay, here’s some actual information. Some items can’t simply be found and clicked on, you see. Items listed in blue are two-part clues, where you have to drag one item to a specific location, like getting the fuzzy dice from the glovebox and hanging them on the mirror. Items listed in red are hidden behind something, and you have to click on a certain place to reveal them. Mostly they’re easy enough to figure out – for example, it might say “bell” and you find the bell by clicking on a distant church steeple. The optional-to-find golden pumpkins from <i>HToT2</i> are replaced by golden reindeer, and there are also a few silhouetted items hidden in each scene that you can look for if you just aren’t getting enough hidden object action from the main list.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-XAs7pLWndsQ/XB_HvSPXniI/AAAAAAAAgHE/2iW4hsC5R4MV3AVFjeGyOrOk34uUJ6fgACLcBGAs/s1600/cw07.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-XAs7pLWndsQ/XB_HvSPXniI/AAAAAAAAgHE/2iW4hsC5R4MV3AVFjeGyOrOk34uUJ6fgACLcBGAs/s640/cw07.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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Toot toot, all aboard the Christmas train, where the kids can enjoy all the luxury and opulence that the Diabetes Express has to offer. The magician not keeping you entertained? Then why not shoot a few hoops with the in-carriage basketball net? This scene sums up <i>CW9</i> rather well – very busy, extremely garish and liable to make your teeth ache just by looking at it.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rk-Weg0e5uk/XB_Hv5SuSGI/AAAAAAAAgHI/c4Sak2a7-JEHG-WeHdSq2QG66ZzJkgeagCLcBGAs/s1600/cw08.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rk-Weg0e5uk/XB_Hv5SuSGI/AAAAAAAAgHI/c4Sak2a7-JEHG-WeHdSq2QG66ZzJkgeagCLcBGAs/s640/cw08.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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Mike and Emma meet some other lucky young kids on the train, including this young lad whose speech patterns and random capitalization of words are the easiest way to identify him as a highly advanced android. Soon he’ll have spent enough time with human children to perfectly mimic their speech patterns. Then the second phase of the plan can begin.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-U0bnLylEICI/XB_Hwt7HrwI/AAAAAAAAgHM/cKaPK4wfo_AaTnZqdmVl9Z0IWUh1CV5fACLcBGAs/s1600/cw09.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-U0bnLylEICI/XB_Hwt7HrwI/AAAAAAAAgHM/cKaPK4wfo_AaTnZqdmVl9Z0IWUh1CV5fACLcBGAs/s640/cw09.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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I love this scene-within-a-scene you get when you arrive at the North Pole. It’s just… some old lady. What stock photo or random catalogue did Casual Arts get this photo from? Do you think this woman has any idea she appears in what you could technically describe as a videogame? She almost certainly doesn’t, but I’d love to imagine that she’s the nan of one of the game’s artists.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-SDXfO_fkMAA/XB_Hw9R42bI/AAAAAAAAgHQ/ZwxJ46gQNi4EbxU8-2S8L3-dVAW1xgnrACLcBGAs/s1600/cw10.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-SDXfO_fkMAA/XB_Hw9R42bI/AAAAAAAAgHQ/ZwxJ46gQNi4EbxU8-2S8L3-dVAW1xgnrACLcBGAs/s640/cw10.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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I was wondering whether <i>CW9</i> would have its own equivalent to the <i>Halloween Trick or Treat</i> games’ “spooky dooky” catchphrase, and it seems that “Jiminy Christmas” is filling that role. It’s certainly not a patch on “spooky dooky,” which has become a credo by which I live my life. By the way, “jiminy Christmas” is apparently a minced oath, a non-blasphemous was of saying “Jesus Christ.” With that in mind, please imagine this young girl arriving at Santa’s office and shouting “Jesus Christ!” Frankly that’d be quite a mild reaction, if any of the young kids I know are a guide.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-R-rr-nbeQIs/XB_HxVVzyQI/AAAAAAAAgHU/c607ixeHBBMZbZ6K4A_vuvxtibYjFyhVwCLcBGAs/s1600/cw11.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-R-rr-nbeQIs/XB_HxVVzyQI/AAAAAAAAgHU/c607ixeHBBMZbZ6K4A_vuvxtibYjFyhVwCLcBGAs/s640/cw11.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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The hidden object formula does get mixed up occasionally – sometimes it might be a spot-the-difference puzzle or, as in the scene above, you’re tasked with finding twenty of the same kind of object. In this case it’s carrots for the reindeer. My favourite carrot hiding places are behind the elf’s ear like a pen and hanging over the door like a festive garland at Bugs Bunny’s place. I’m less keen on Rudolph’s red nose. I suppose that yes, that’s how it<i> would</i> look if a real reindeer’s nose was red but I’m so used to Rudolph’s nose being a clown-like red ball that this just looks <i>weird.</i><br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gMLmOQKRFeM/XB_HxwsiriI/AAAAAAAAgHY/OyZHw7LAafk7jHuaxnBTlkQgHT2HGWXKACLcBGAs/s1600/cw12.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gMLmOQKRFeM/XB_HxwsiriI/AAAAAAAAgHY/OyZHw7LAafk7jHuaxnBTlkQgHT2HGWXKACLcBGAs/s640/cw12.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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Speaking of weird, I’m not sure about this iteration of Santa Claus. He lacks... joviality. The slump of his shoulders, his tight-lipped smile, the way he says ho… ho… ho... as though he’s being forced at gunpoint – this is not a a right jolly old elf. It’s probably because he’s got to babysit these spoiled kids just before Christmas.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ThcmJwCwWaY/XB_HyR0pzXI/AAAAAAAAgHc/Q2KDJY7b5MYB__kiPLVYIencjS9Pzg6IACLcBGAs/s1600/cw13.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ThcmJwCwWaY/XB_HyR0pzXI/AAAAAAAAgHc/Q2KDJY7b5MYB__kiPLVYIencjS9Pzg6IACLcBGAs/s640/cw13.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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Here’s a minigame where you have to match the elves to their Disney-lawyer-dodging names. There’s an elf called Spooky, apparently. How the hell did a Christmas elf get the nickname “Spooky?” Maybe he’s a goth, in which case fair play to him for sticking it out at Santa’s workshop, which is what Goth Hell must be. There’s also an elf called Handy. Let’s hope he got that nickname because he’s good at fixing things and not for, erm, other reasons.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-EVOCQ2xLlqM/XB_HzM5VaEI/AAAAAAAAgHg/nkgjL7L7B_c4X77lLdv9nLWl_2e07WY6ACLcBGAs/s1600/cw14.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-EVOCQ2xLlqM/XB_HzM5VaEI/AAAAAAAAgHg/nkgjL7L7B_c4X77lLdv9nLWl_2e07WY6ACLcBGAs/s640/cw14.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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The kids enjoy all the sights of the North Pole, from the elf village to the ice-skating lake to this, the North Pole village where the elves go about their menial labour while the humans mill about the place wondering whether they could possibly eat another ice cream sundae. Not everyone can eat ice cream sundaes, of course. That little baby in the pushchair, for instance. That baby <i>does</i> need feeding, though, so you have to get a bottle of milk from the chair and feed the baby. Just shove that bottle right in the face of some random baby you’ve never met before. Good going, kids.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-oKPjJduQUww/XB_Hz37eHxI/AAAAAAAAgHk/3UgCqNSKvnk28IXutqIpRLzWzFHxfA4FQCLcBGAs/s1600/cw15.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-oKPjJduQUww/XB_Hz37eHxI/AAAAAAAAgHk/3UgCqNSKvnk28IXutqIpRLzWzFHxfA4FQCLcBGAs/s640/cw15.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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Santa himself flies the kids back home in his private plane. More ice cream is consumed. Santa’s hands are off the control stick and one of the items on your list is to replace a missing lever. They’re flying very low over the New York skyline. There’s no way that this journey is going to end well; either Santa’s incompetence is going to cause a crash or he’s going to be taken out by an Air Force fighter jet. At least he can listen to some sweet tunes on the plane’s cassette deck before he goes down in a huge fireball.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-lifzcFavbPA/XB_H0T083pI/AAAAAAAAgHo/KikLBkVkGac9HXET_vFeIhR7pSXhb4jdgCLcBGAs/s1600/cw16.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-lifzcFavbPA/XB_H0T083pI/AAAAAAAAgHo/KikLBkVkGac9HXET_vFeIhR7pSXhb4jdgCLcBGAs/s640/cw16.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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Their polar adventure has come to an end and the kids are back at home, but this doesn’t mean it’s the end of the game. Far from it, it’s not even Christmas Day yet – but the house is in disarray and it’s up to you to find the things that are “Wrong” in this scene. Both the jack o’lantern and the kids’ mum being dressed as a witch are classed as “wrong,” so hey, screw <i>you, Christmas Wonderland 9</i>. It also says that Dad being in the back garden mowing the snow is wrong, but I’m pretty sure it’s intentional and he’s out there to get a break from the incessant torrent of Christmas tackiness being blasted at him 24/7.<br />
Oh, and this is also the same family kitchen from <i>Halloween Trick or Treat 2</i>. The Casual Arts Universe is far more expansive that I originally imagined. Casual Arts also make hidden object games about being a cruise ship director and a park ranger. Eight games about being a park ranger, but only three about Halloween. Christmas I can understand, but <i>eight </i>park ranger adventures? C’mon, no-one likes parks that much.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-2dtOB345Pvo/XB_H1F1XiwI/AAAAAAAAgHs/N98CIvk2wVcBFY7tLImvUO2CCayyvDSHwCLcBGAs/s1600/cw17.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-2dtOB345Pvo/XB_H1F1XiwI/AAAAAAAAgHs/N98CIvk2wVcBFY7tLImvUO2CCayyvDSHwCLcBGAs/s640/cw17.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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I never thought I’d say this, but I feel a little sorry for Mike and Emma. After going to the North Pole and meeting the real Santa, it must be very difficult to drum up any enthusiasm to come back home and help your grandparents decorate their house – but they can’t duck out of it, because now they know that the naughty and nice lists are a real thing and not helping your grandparents is presumably something Santa frowns up, like proper aeroplane safety. Of course, if they’re only doing good deeds to avoid Santa’s disapproval rather than because it’s morally correct, will Santa know? Is Santa’s judgement based on motives or outcomes? Now there’s something for you to ponder while you’re waiting for the turkey to cook.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-psiFHVuuMXg/XB_H1tZOVZI/AAAAAAAAgHw/2vfLxk1Vm_QHbdG8fQdN1IXXCWdsahwTwCLcBGAs/s1600/cw18.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-psiFHVuuMXg/XB_H1tZOVZI/AAAAAAAAgHw/2vfLxk1Vm_QHbdG8fQdN1IXXCWdsahwTwCLcBGAs/s640/cw18.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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I’m not the kind of person who feels entitled to certain things in the videogames they play. Creating any game takes a lot of time and effort, and no-one sets out to make a bad game. That said, sliding block puzzles are bloody awful, everybody hates them and if you put them in your videogame then you should be forced to stick a finger in one (1) mousetrap for every second I have to spend solving the bloody thing. It’s a good job this (and pretty much every) hidden object game lets you skip the minigames, because otherwise you wouldn’t be seeing the rest of <i>Christmas Wonderland 9</i>.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0WnjVWtwelk/XB_H2eAcFQI/AAAAAAAAgH0/1dcUm6jBpmkb-Dw6FfCvI7083ko1S2JjACLcBGAs/s1600/cw19.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0WnjVWtwelk/XB_H2eAcFQI/AAAAAAAAgH0/1dcUm6jBpmkb-Dw6FfCvI7083ko1S2JjACLcBGAs/s640/cw19.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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The hidden object parts of the game are fine, though. I definitely enjoy them, although I’m aware that they’re not for everyone. I find them very relaxing, personally, and Casual Arts never go down the route of lesser hidden object games by changing to the colour of objects or making them translucent. An honest hidden object game, that’s all I ask for, and that’s what I got. I might not enjoy the Christmas theme as a much of a spooky one, but it’s still kitschy enough to appeal to my tastes, and I appreciate that <i>CW9 </i>isn’t burdened by the inventory puzzles you get in most hidden object games. I’ve enjoyed HOGs with more of a pretension towards being graphic adventure games, but let’s be honest: they rarely get more complex than “use key on keyhole” and sometimes it’s nice to just get on with the I-spy gameplay without having to gather up the five fragments of the shattered magical jewel first, you know?<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2QL16mbMel4/XB_H3PYXMvI/AAAAAAAAgH4/RNeXytgtmTkSZayrx_j94mvBKid5roO4QCLcBGAs/s1600/cw20.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2QL16mbMel4/XB_H3PYXMvI/AAAAAAAAgH4/RNeXytgtmTkSZayrx_j94mvBKid5roO4QCLcBGAs/s640/cw20.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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Most of the back half of the game revolves around Santa putting the final touches on the Christmas preparations – checking the production lines, staring at clipboards, wondering why they still make so many simple wooden toys when it’s 2018 and the kids all want vape pens and in-game currency for Fortnite. They’re the kind of scenes you’d expect to see in a Christmas hidden object game, and it’s making me want to go back and play <i>Christmas Wonderland 1</i> –<i> 8</i> just to see how many ways the developers could recycle the Santa’s Busy Christmas Period concept. Maybe <i>Christmas Wonderland 5</i> sees Santa visiting a beach in Miami, or perhaps <i>Christmas Wonderland 7</i> is about Father Christmas realising that the fall of the Iron Curtain means that formerly communist children have now embraced capitalism and are thus allowed on the nice list, meaning Santa has to go on a mission to Moscow. I’ll probably never find out, because I ain’t spending thirty quid to buy all the other games in the series.<br />
So, I’ve been saying that this is the real Santa, but you might not be convinced. The elves could be small actors, the workshops an elaborate set, the whole thing an extravagant tourist trap. I understand your scepticism, but this next scene puts paid to any doubts.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-yotyMqQjwu0/XB_H3jxWIOI/AAAAAAAAgH8/V4P04oxfkEMGYEYe8GSwD-frNMgCcvtyACLcBGAs/s1600/cw21.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-yotyMqQjwu0/XB_H3jxWIOI/AAAAAAAAgH8/V4P04oxfkEMGYEYe8GSwD-frNMgCcvtyACLcBGAs/s640/cw21.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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It’s Santa… <i>in space!</i> That’s right, Saint Nick has blasted though the atmosphere and is now positioned in a low-Earth orbit, where he can deliver presents via a system of carefully coordinated orbital bombardments. I never thought “give Santa oxygen” would be a task I’d have to accomplish in a videogame, but there it is on the list. The reindeer don’t need oxygen. I suspect Santa only needs oxygen because of his unhealthy diet and resultant heart problems.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-LzHLdY2he1Y/XB_H4MFbiBI/AAAAAAAAgIA/AOuucHKoHvAJh9C0uTxgs_i7AsqDoBD1gCLcBGAs/s1600/cw22.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-LzHLdY2he1Y/XB_H4MFbiBI/AAAAAAAAgIA/AOuucHKoHvAJh9C0uTxgs_i7AsqDoBD1gCLcBGAs/s640/cw22.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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“Let’s wait until 7am and then head downstairs on Christmas morning” says Mike, proving once and for all that no-one involved in the creation of this game has a child or indeed<i> was</i> a child.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_l_-pp4leMM/XB_H4qcD0BI/AAAAAAAAgIE/Tq_-OZadd9kFKgEvPk0U7ImCVzi_B1vXQCLcBGAs/s1600/cw23.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_l_-pp4leMM/XB_H4qcD0BI/AAAAAAAAgIE/Tq_-OZadd9kFKgEvPk0U7ImCVzi_B1vXQCLcBGAs/s640/cw23.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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The final scene shows the kids opening their mountain of presents in their giant mansion on a snowy Christmas morning as both their parents look on, after having met the genuine Santa Claus. Yes, I’m jealous. At least they remembered to get the dog a present in all the excitement.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5XnyLBoMlWw/XB_H5UVI5EI/AAAAAAAAgII/1X1IcujNfE8KypG5Ma7Z-ZD9IoclShdPACLcBGAs/s1600/cw24.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5XnyLBoMlWw/XB_H5UVI5EI/AAAAAAAAgII/1X1IcujNfE8KypG5Ma7Z-ZD9IoclShdPACLcBGAs/s640/cw24.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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Yes, happy holidays to one and all – <i>Christmas Wonderland 9</i> is over, and while I didn’t have as much fun as Unnamed Dad here, <i>CW9</i> gave me enough enjoyment that I don’t feel as though I wasted the three pounds I spent on it. I’m a simple man, just give me a few hidden object scenes that aren’t bullshit and the ability to skip any minigames that<i> are</i> bullshit and I’ll enjoy myself for an hour or two. It even made me feel a little more cheerful about the holidays. It’d be weird if it didn’t, I suppose. It’s difficult to be subjected to such a torrent of unrelenting Christmas things without feeling at least a little holly-jolly.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qtuXmCqRoSg/XB_H52Lb-UI/AAAAAAAAgIM/eB9d39dBPYIK-twcEzczl4DdF3xCIN4IACLcBGAs/s1600/cw25.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="359" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qtuXmCqRoSg/XB_H52Lb-UI/AAAAAAAAgIM/eB9d39dBPYIK-twcEzczl4DdF3xCIN4IACLcBGAs/s640/cw25.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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Man, maybe I will see you again in <i>Christmas Wonderland 10</i>. I really hope they expand on the Santa in Space angle. Martians need gifts too.<br />
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<b>Recently on VGJUNK:</b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/12/the-lost-eggs-of-gertie-goose-commodore.html">Audacious egg heist <i>Gertie Goose!</i></a><b> </b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/11/knuckle-heads-arcade.html">Namco's fighting game <i>Knuckle Heads!</i></a><b><br /></b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/11/jaleco-rally-big-run-arcade.html">Rally racing and traffic jams in <i>Big Run!</i></a> <br />
<b> </b></div>
VGJUNKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10847169968000988460noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1129376554965074880.post-14828089198106078782018-12-16T10:01:00.003-08:002018-12-16T10:01:50.328-08:00THE LOST EGGS OF GERTIE GOOSE (COMMODORE 64)People eat goose at Christmas, right? Ebenezer Scrooge did, I know that much. Therefore the goose is a symbol of Christmas and by extension today’s game is appropriate for the festive season, he shouted over the sound of his overstretched logic snapping. It’s Anton Hinxman and Reelax Games’ 1985 honk-em-up <i>The Lost Eggs of Gertie Goose!</i><br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_WGDVWvlcZM/XBaRl62vnvI/AAAAAAAAgFY/b5zqldKu9p0ifDQzaHwp3KVTwgQIfwXGQCLcBGAs/s1600/gg01.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="399" data-original-width="636" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_WGDVWvlcZM/XBaRl62vnvI/AAAAAAAAgFY/b5zqldKu9p0ifDQzaHwp3KVTwgQIfwXGQCLcBGAs/s1600/gg01.png" /></a></div>
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Or maybe the game’s just called <i>Gertie Goose</i>, because that’s what the loading screen seems to suggest. And there goes Gertie now, marching forth in her boots with one wing raised as if in a salute, her goose-like steps carrying her across the countryside. Hmm. For some reason I don’t trust Gertie. Let’s just hope that’s not the Polish countryside, or things might be about to get very unpleasant.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-B5i-Iw2pvNE/XBaRmJR0m1I/AAAAAAAAgFg/icwY8PQP7u80gHMNyt1eDhiSQcyPDUwmwCLcBGAs/s1600/gg02.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="414" data-original-width="641" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-B5i-Iw2pvNE/XBaRmJR0m1I/AAAAAAAAgFg/icwY8PQP7u80gHMNyt1eDhiSQcyPDUwmwCLcBGAs/s1600/gg02.png" /></a></div>
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The title screen is less concerning, and it sets up the conflict of the game by showing a shadowy claw reaching in to steal the eggs from Gertie’s nest as she dozes atop her clutch. Gertie’s egotism is so extreme that she’s monogrammed her own chest, and her initials being “GG” implies that Goose is actually her surname and not a simply description of her species. So, you’ll be playing as a goose whose eggs have been nicked. But who would be so evil as to steal a goose’s unhatched babies?<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-O6cvuyAiEHo/XBaRmEn3KNI/AAAAAAAAgFc/2ZEDGoq4MMAA-r7Dnj2q_dWBGTW5dG-6ACLcBGAs/s1600/gg03.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="399" data-original-width="639" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-O6cvuyAiEHo/XBaRmEn3KNI/AAAAAAAAgFc/2ZEDGoq4MMAA-r7Dnj2q_dWBGTW5dG-6ACLcBGAs/s1600/gg03.png" /></a></div>
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Why, the forest demons, of course – demons being renowned for their love of omelettes, I guess. They work under the orders of the Master Demon, a rather grandiose title for an evil entity that spends its time harassing geese rather than eating babies or trying to corrupt the eternal souls of mankind like a proper Master Demon. Even if we assume that the Master Demon is having a bad run of luck and is looking for an easy win to boost his numbers, going after an opponent as notoriously vicious as a goose seems like a mistake.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-GM5TgggJXW4/XBaRmnYT4AI/AAAAAAAAgFk/MEdmcSB-EVwqROTVfw52x-2kfcs7vTfSgCLcBGAs/s1600/gg04.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="397" data-original-width="604" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-GM5TgggJXW4/XBaRmnYT4AI/AAAAAAAAgFk/MEdmcSB-EVwqROTVfw52x-2kfcs7vTfSgCLcBGAs/s1600/gg04.png" /></a></div>
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The game gets underway, and it is revealed that <i>Gertie Goose</i> is a wandering-around-em-up. The eggs are out there somewhere, and you’ve got to get them before the forest demons take them away for good. There’s Gertie at the right of the screen, staring intently at a hedge. You move Gertie around with the joystick, and, erm, that’s about it. There is a jump button, but as far as I can tell there’s never any need to jump <i>over </i>anything. There aren’t any holes or carefully-laid goose traps or anything like that. Just forest demons, one of which you can see at the top of the screenshot above. I don’t know why they’re carrying croupier sticks. Maybe they’ve got part-time casino jobs to get to, which might explain why they seem distracted. They certainly don’t make a beeline for Gertie, they just bumble around the screen and if they collide with Gertie a buzzing sound plays and… nothing else happens. I thought you’d lose a life or get set back to the start or something, but no. You just get a sound effect like a robot blowing its nose. Maybe that’s just down to the version of the game I’m playing, and there’s very little information about <i>Gertie Goose</i> out there. I suspect it’s just that the game was designed for young children, though.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yZM-fN5KWDY/XBaRm1KAv3I/AAAAAAAAgFo/NLVoHdXALu03mr2yJL2eSngEOJ2zll3HgCLcBGAs/s1600/gg05.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="396" data-original-width="605" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yZM-fN5KWDY/XBaRm1KAv3I/AAAAAAAAgFo/NLVoHdXALu03mr2yJL2eSngEOJ2zll3HgCLcBGAs/s1600/gg05.png" /></a></div>
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The demons might not be a threat, but that doesn’t mean <i>Gertie Goose</i> is free from tricks and traps. For example, here I managed to get Gertie stuck inside this fence and had to reset the game. Hey, I didn’t say they were <i>intentional</i> tricks and traps.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-i2fOO_1Tlt4/XBaRm2zD9-I/AAAAAAAAgFs/2vFghZ7OmTM8T0u6YefhdctQtcP8s6LaACLcBGAs/s1600/gg06.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="396" data-original-width="604" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-i2fOO_1Tlt4/XBaRm2zD9-I/AAAAAAAAgFs/2vFghZ7OmTM8T0u6YefhdctQtcP8s6LaACLcBGAs/s1600/gg06.png" /></a></div>
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Back to the actual egg-collecting, and you might look at the screenshot above and think “hey, there are three eggs right here – a green one, a brown one and a blue one.” They are eggs, but they’re not Gertie’s eggs. They’re smaller, decorative eggs that contain keys, keys used to unlock the door of the corresponding colour. Quite why the keys are visually rendered as eggs and not keys is beyond me. The programmer’s unshakeable conviction that the game’s goose-and-eggs theme is its strongest suit and should be preserved at all costs? A rebellion against the countless other games that came before where keys were represented by something as tediously prosaic as pictures of keys? Stealth advertising by the British Egg Marketing Board? I’m sorry, but I cannot answer that question.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_8pbtd4Swfw/XBaRnaAAmZI/AAAAAAAAgFw/sjrEH5MpKnIf8JTdfQuhe04yxtr5bp2AgCLcBGAs/s1600/gg07.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="396" data-original-width="604" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_8pbtd4Swfw/XBaRnaAAmZI/AAAAAAAAgFw/sjrEH5MpKnIf8JTdfQuhe04yxtr5bp2AgCLcBGAs/s1600/gg07.png" /></a></div>
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Phase one of the game is to walk around the forest grabbing all the egg-key you can find. The instructions claim you must “pick up the eggs with the use of Gertie’s feet,” by which they mean you have to walk over them. It’s not complicated, and the “overworld” is small enough that finding all the eggs will only take a minute or two. Unsurprisingly, it’s also not much fun. Gertie walks around, the enemies don’t slow you down at all, and you can jump but there’s absolutely no reason to. Looking back on it now, only two things distracted me from just how boring this game is. One is that you have to be right at the very edge of the screen to get it to scroll and I was worried about getting stuck on another fence. That was definitely more frustrating than boring. The other thing was the sound of Gertie’s footsteps, because in a game where the gameplay is almost non-existent and the graphics are simple to the point of abstraction you get the surprisingly accurate sound of a goose’s webbed feet slapping on the ground as you waddle across the screen. That sound effect is definitely the best thing about this game.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-LhVJlx_4ncU/XBaRniLvCwI/AAAAAAAAgF0/b1xSip-5v_8CmjMPjLVARLDyZ4C6MNOxwCLcBGAs/s1600/gg08.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="397" data-original-width="636" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-LhVJlx_4ncU/XBaRniLvCwI/AAAAAAAAgF0/b1xSip-5v_8CmjMPjLVARLDyZ4C6MNOxwCLcBGAs/s1600/gg08.png" /></a></div>
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Once you’ve collected the keys, you can begin entering the colour-coded doors dotted around the map. Each door leads to a single-screen room containing some very ugly graphics, an ineffectual forest demon or two and an actual egg. That’s the egg on the plinth at the top of the screen. Yes, I know it looks more like a medicine ball or a half-sucked Malteser that’s rolled under a sofa, but it’s one of Gertie’s precious eggs. Walk into the egg to collect it, and then walk back out of the room. If you manage to avoid being distracted by the misspelling of “heaps” and the fact that you seem to be in a room filled with oversized witch hats, you can clear the room in, oh, fifteen seconds or so.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZPAB6ed-XMQ/XBaRnkQildI/AAAAAAAAgF4/wlmya9w4dyQJX15Ud1xvFFsNna2-7FppQCLcBGAs/s1600/gg09.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="397" data-original-width="635" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZPAB6ed-XMQ/XBaRnkQildI/AAAAAAAAgF4/wlmya9w4dyQJX15Ud1xvFFsNna2-7FppQCLcBGAs/s1600/gg09.png" /></a></div>
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The rest of the game is just grabbing the eggs from the rooms. Here, all sense of scale goes out of the window as Gertie is depicted towering over the houses and being half the height of a mature apple tree. This makes me wish the entire game was about a colossal twenty-foot goose, stomping through the forest and making slappy feet sounds.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Dt-znmiz3bA/XBaRn0V4eHI/AAAAAAAAgF8/294ZmL4A5QAJHHrcW3qF5ep5JPGOBcImgCLcBGAs/s1600/gg10.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="396" data-original-width="639" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Dt-znmiz3bA/XBaRn0V4eHI/AAAAAAAAgF8/294ZmL4A5QAJHHrcW3qF5ep5JPGOBcImgCLcBGAs/s1600/gg10.png" /></a></div>
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Each of the rooms has their own little text description at the bottom, a computer game trend that (I assume) began with Manic Miner and which I rather enjoy seeing whenever I’m playing games of this vintage. The “Decathlon Graveyard” joke from <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2017/08/toilet-truble-zx-spectrum.html"><i>Toilet Truble</i></a> still gets a chuckle from me, for example. For a moment I was about to say I’d like to see these short area names make a return in modern gaming, but then I thought about it for longer than two seconds and I realised that if they<i> did </i>come back, these days they’d just be long out-of-date memes or advertisements for premium in-game currencies and nobody wants to see that.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-6eeJurI9Rfs/XBaRoUgTSnI/AAAAAAAAgGA/2SCwddfZu9oD7NNbQcoQjwfvfTzdF1b4wCLcBGAs/s1600/gg11.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="397" data-original-width="637" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-6eeJurI9Rfs/XBaRoUgTSnI/AAAAAAAAgGA/2SCwddfZu9oD7NNbQcoQjwfvfTzdF1b4wCLcBGAs/s1600/gg11.png" /></a></div>
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Just to be clear, no aspect of <i>Gertie Goose</i>’s gameplay is fun or interesting. Like, the challenge here is specifically to walk around a table. <i>Super Mario Bros</i>. it ain’t. It’s not even some third-rate action game like the similarly poultry-themed <i>Alfred Chicken</i>, and I’ve lost patience with the “oh, it’s made for very young kids” excuse. A much better excuse is that the whole game was made by one person in 1985, but that doesn’t prevent <i>Gertie Goose</i> being anything other than a chore to play. An ugly chore at that, with flickering scenery, colour bleeding and perspective issues that’d make MC Escher mutter “what the hell” under his breath. For example, can you see the clump of yellow pixels underneath the table? That’s actually a forest demon, it’s just that the demon’s body is the same colour as the background and so it’s almost invisible.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-TqESJ2Rzbag/XBaRoWba6mI/AAAAAAAAgGE/Li3U0GFzWSwXn_cNct1A6yywbgRJe_RtwCLcBGAs/s1600/gg12.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="399" data-original-width="637" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-TqESJ2Rzbag/XBaRoWba6mI/AAAAAAAAgGE/Li3U0GFzWSwXn_cNct1A6yywbgRJe_RtwCLcBGAs/s1600/gg12.png" /></a></div>
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That joke was much better when Chris said it in the original <i>Resident Evil</i> after destroying a huge plant monster. I concede that my use of the word “better” in this situation might be contentious.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-HmoamkExOfA/XBaRogQGFmI/AAAAAAAAgGI/f5jYxe9OT-wtNQ1rypuC4WjJBNE0lUXYQCLcBGAs/s1600/gg13.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="398" data-original-width="637" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-HmoamkExOfA/XBaRogQGFmI/AAAAAAAAgGI/f5jYxe9OT-wtNQ1rypuC4WjJBNE0lUXYQCLcBGAs/s1600/gg13.png" /></a></div>
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Because I hadn’t changed the difficulty level and the default is “Easy,” it took me a while to realise the real point of conflict in <i>Gertie Goose</i>. It’s not that the forest demons are out to stop you – it’s that they’re trying to steal the eggs <i>before</i> you can get to them. The higher difficulty levels make this clear as the number of demons is greatly increased and you’ll frequently enter a room to find the egg already pilfered, which does make things a tiny bit more interesting. Working against a time limit gives you some kind of challenge, at least.<br />
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Once all the eggs are gathered, Gertie and the Master Demon tally up their eggs and whoever has the most, erm, wins? Either way it seems like Gertie is the loser, because she’s lost some of her precious eggs. More accurately, the Master Demon is the loser, because, well, look at him. That’s not a visage to strike fear into the hearts of geese everywhere, is it? He looks like a toddler tried to carve a snake out of a brussels sprout. I’m getting a real <i>Manos: The Hands of Fate</i> vibe from that smock, and what’s with that trident? Making your pitchfork out of spaghetti does not make for an effective poking implement. In short, the Master Demon clearly gets bullied by the other demons whenever he goes to Demon Camp, and the other demons are<i> right </i>to bully him if he can’t outwit a goose.<br />
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As someone who’s played a lot of weird game and a lot of boring games, I hope you’ll accept my considered opinion that <i>The Lost Eggs of Gertie Goose</i> is a weird, boring game. It all feels so very <i>pointless</i>, is the thing. And how are Gertie’s footsteps making that slapping sound when she’s clearly draw as wearing boots? I’ve had enough of this game, I need a lie down in dark, goose-free room.<br />
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<b>Recently on VGJUNK:</b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/11/knuckle-heads-arcade.html">Namco's fighting game <i>Knuckle Heads!</i></a><b><br /></b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/11/jaleco-rally-big-run-arcade.html">Rally racing and traffic jams in <i>Big Run!</i></a><b> </b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/11/great-guns-arcade.html">Clown shooting and caveman nudity in <i>Great<b> </b>Guns!</i></a><b><br /></b><br />
<b> </b></div>
VGJUNKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10847169968000988460noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1129376554965074880.post-10480751090962058602018-11-27T09:11:00.007-08:002018-11-27T09:11:53.303-08:00KNUCKLE HEADS (ARCADE)As we all know, when <i>Street Fighter II</i> landed in arcades and revolutionised the fighting game genre, every developer under the sun rushed to put out their own take on the one-on-one brawler. What’s less clear is why Namco decided to name their effort after a Three Stooges insult. It’s the 1992 global-weirdo-convention-em-up <i>Knuckle Heads!</i><br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-HvkuOq9D6EU/W_15ciONklI/AAAAAAAAgDU/HpTWKyMU5gYTsbdJV1R0zzvzsZYuhDgcgCLcBGAs/s1600/kh01.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="576" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-HvkuOq9D6EU/W_15ciONklI/AAAAAAAAgDU/HpTWKyMU5gYTsbdJV1R0zzvzsZYuhDgcgCLcBGAs/s1600/kh01.png" /></a></div>
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That’s a surprisingly severe logo for a game that, as mentioned, is all about a bunch of weirdos getting together for a punch-up. <i>Tekken</i> this ain’t, folks - but it <i>is</i> a fighting game, so despite the quirks and foibles of the gameplay which we’ll get to in due time, at its core <i>Knuckle Heads</i> is all about hitting the other person until they stop moving. But <i>why </i>are they fighting?<br />
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The bright lights and the sharp-suited host reveal that <i>Knuckle Heads </i>is framed as a televised fighting tournament, with the combatants battling it out for a ten billion dollar prize. Given that the prize is <i>ten billion dollars</i>, it’s a real surprise that only six people entered the tournament. For that amount of cash<i> I’d </i>enter the goddamn tournament even after seeing the kind of violent lunatics I’d be up against. There’s always the tiniest chance I might win the tournament and claim enough cash to solve all my problems, or I’d be bludgeoned to death by a viking and in a way that’d <i>also</i> solve all my problems. It’s a win-win situation.<br />
Yes, I did say that one of the characters is a viking. Let’s meet him, and all the other characters, right now!<br />
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First up is Rob Vincent, an American fighter with two tonfas, a supremely smug expression and a chin that Bruce Campbell is probably going to want back at some point. Rob’s the most generic character in the game, but even so he’s still fairly interesting. You certainly don’t see many ginger, tonfa-wielding America fighters in videogames, do you? He’s also dressed kinda like M. Bison. He is certainly not as cool as M. Bison, though.<br />
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The obligatory Japanese representative is Fujioka. He is, of course, a ninja. He attacks with a sickle and chain, also known as a kusarigama. I remember that from playing <i>Nioh</i>. See, videogames <i>are</i> educational, presuming you want to learn all the many ways humans have tried to murder each other over the centuries. A less common part of the ninja get-up is Fujioka’s headgurad, which makes him look like a contestant on the Japanese version of <i>Gladiators</i>. Ninjas, you will go on my first whistle! I should go and pre-emptively apologise to my neighbours, because now I’m going be blasting <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8xj-Cr-J8w">the <i>Gladiators</i> theme</a> while I write this article. Oh, and on the subject of ninjas, this image made me finally get around to looking up why ninjas are so often depicted as wearing fishnets, as you can see on Fujioka’s arms. Disappointingly it’s not because ninjas make their uniforms out of discarded Babybel packaging. It’s supposed to be a stylised representation of chainmail, apparently.<br />
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Hailing from China is Christine, the staff-swinging acrobatic fighter who presumably chose this outfit so she could enjoy her hobby of hiding in grape vats. She’s ninety percent of the way to wearing California Raisin cosplay. Yeah, there’s not much to say about Christine. She’s a good character for a beginner to pick. Oh, and her voice lines were provided by Megumi Hayashibara, who’s probably best known as the voice of Rei in <i>Neon Genesis Evangelion</i>. Or Ranma in <i>Ranma ½</i>. Or Jessie (well, Musashi) in the <i>Pokemon</i> anime. She’s voice acting royalty, is what I’m getting at, and Namco spared no expense in getting big-name anime voice actors in for <i>Knuckle Heads.</i><br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-q_UJqHH421k/W_15dZPki5I/AAAAAAAAgDk/oj6FJylRRPU-KenD1x_8S7h_h5KusYlOQCLcBGAs/s1600/kh06.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="576" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-q_UJqHH421k/W_15dZPki5I/AAAAAAAAgDk/oj6FJylRRPU-KenD1x_8S7h_h5KusYlOQCLcBGAs/s1600/kh06.png" /></a></div>
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The characters get a bit more unusual from here, starting with the aforementioned viking Gregory. He’s not a real viking, of course. He’s only thirty-nine years old. A historical re-enactor who has taken things way too far, one assumes. Gregory is the powerhouse character of the roster, ready to cause carnage with his twin axes but always with a smile on his face. Of course he’s smiling, this is one of the rare occasions where owning two massive axes is going to pay off for him. And hey, it’s nice to see a character from Norway rather than the usual fighting game locales.<br />
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The Brazilian representative is Claudia, who combines the usual Brazilian fighting game clichés into a scantily-clad, jungle-dwelling, carnival-themed character. She’s also a lot like <i>Street Fighter</i>’s Vega, what with the claws and all. She likes to jump around a lot, so you’ve got to give her bikini top a lot of credit. That thing is <i>solid</i>. She’s also got a big-name voice actor, with her lines being provided by Sailor Moon herself, Kotono Mitsuishi.<br />
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The weirdness reaches its apex with the final character: it’s Blat, the tiny Greek man who fights with an enormous hammer. Of course, there are very few Greek fighting game characters to crib from and little in the way of non-historical Greek stereotypes that’d work as the basis for a videogame fighting style unless Blat threw bottles of ouzo at people or something, so Namco had free reign to create their own take on a “Greek” fighter. They went with “peculiar gremlin man who stole the weapon and armour of a fantasy barbarian who was three times their size.” It’s a bold look, but I’m not complaining.<br />
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Okay, so the time has come to actually pick a character and play the game. As is traditional by this point, I’ll be playing as Rob Vincent, because he was the first character highlighted on the select screen and he’s also the least interesting, which means he’s the closest <i>Knuckle Heads </i>has to a main character. Having seen the attract mode I already know that Rob has his own versions of the fireball and the dragon punch, so he’s basically American Ryu. No, hang on, that’d be Ken. Oh, you know what I mean, let’s get on with the fighting.<br />
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The first bout takes place on the bustling streets of Hong Kong, where the locals have come out in numbers to see Christine crack Rob’s head open with her stick. A bit rude, considering I hadn’t had a chance to figure out what the buttons are yet, but that shouldn’t take long because there are only three of them. You’ve got high attack, low attack and… jump? Well look at that, you have to press a button to jump in this game. That’s a significant difference from <i>Street Fighter</i> et al, and I’ll tell you what – it was a <i>nightmare</i> trying to get used to pressing a button to jump. Decades of fighting game experience have conditioned me to press up to jump, so that’s what I kept doing the whole time I was playing <i>Knuckle Heads</i>. I tried to mentally condition myself to accept this control quirk by murmuring “just like <i>Smash Bros</i>., just like <i>Smash Bros</i>.,” over and over again, but that did not work. It just made me think about the weird “<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i9OJsmh04PM">Gaaanondooorf</a>” chant from the <i>Smash Bros</i>. games.<br />
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Another interesting feature of <i>Knuckle Heads</i>’ gameplay is that only having two attack buttons means that you have to charge up to perform stronger blows. Keeping the button pressed for a second or so gives your character a coloured aura – it’s up to you whether you belt out a <i>Dragonball Z</i>-style scream as you do so, but it certainly adds to the ambience – and then letting go of the button makes your character perform a different attack. In Rob’s case, he hops forwards and attacks twice with his tonfas. I don’t think I ever landed this attack on a CPU character, possibly because a glowing red aura is a bit of a giveaway re: what attack’s coming next.<br />
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<i>Knuckle Heads</i> is still a 2D fighter at heart, though, so much of what you know about other examples of the genre will serve you well here. Special moves are executed using the usual joystick-and-button combos, (like Rob’s dragon punch here,) although fireballs seem to be more away-toward-attack than traditional fireball motions, and I’m very happy to report that <i>Knuckle Heads</i> has smooth, responsive special move inputs. I’ve played many a fighting game where trying to perform a task as basic as launching concentrated spiritual energy from your hands was a real struggle, but for the most part <i>Knuckle Heads</i> let me use my special moves when I wanted to, not at some point thirty seconds and multiple attempts down the line. It’s a good job, too, because the dragon punch quickly became a crutch that I relied on to defeat Christine. The only time she wasn’t blocking was when she was using her jumping attacks, you see.<br />
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Next into the fray is Fujioka, and he’s just as much of a videogame ninja as you’d expect. Lots of fast attacks and agile movements, plus a costume that would in no way help him to be stealthy unless he was trying to sneak in as an extra in a <i>He-Man</i> cartoon. Nice y-fronts, dork. Fujioka is also very fond of fireballs. Normally this would be a good thing because I could jump over his projectiles and kick him in the face, but of course I kept forgetting that I had to press a button to jump.<br />
It was also at this point that I realised I’d made a grave mistake in choosing to play as Rob. The issue is that Rob uses a very short-range weapon in a tournament where his opponents are wielding long sticks and extending chains, and a lot of the time range is king in <i>Knuckle Heads</i>. It’s not an insurmountable problem, although it might feel like it when Fujioka chooses to fight from a different postcode and keeps whipping you in the face. If you <i>are</i> going to play as Rob, my advice is to practise using his fireballs.<br />
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I must admit, it feels a bit strange to be fighting beneath the (presumably) disappointed gaze of Jesus Christ. Maybe I can convince him that Claudia is a moneylender or something. Namco really went all out to make sure you knew this stage was set in Brazil, huh? The statue of Christ the Redeemer, the carnival dancers, the big neon sign that says “Brasil.” Then there’s Claudia herself who, as previously mentioned, combines most of the usual tropes of videogame Brazilians into a character who ends up fighting mostly like a cat. Lots of leaping and clawing attacks from Claudia. She’s especially fond of the one where she jumps off the top of the screen and then tries to land on your head – unfortunately for her, it’s very obvious when she’s doing this, so you can be ready with a block or a dragon punch.<br />
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Other than that, the most notable thing about Claudia is that she stands like a T. Rex in her neutral stance. Or maybe it’s more like a praying mantis. A praying mantis wearing a gold bikini and shoulderpads.<br />
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Now we’re off to the land of the ice and snow, from the midnight sun where the fact that Rob’s attacks have no range really does blow. It’s viking impersonator Gregory! You know, Greg the viking? Yeah, that guy. His fellow historical re-enactors have all piled into the longboat to watch their friend fight beneath the northern lights. The Norse aesthetic is somewhat undermined by Gregory’s musical theme, which is not the kind of rousing Scandinavian drinking song you might expect – instead it’s <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rER2lIi07jU">a strange techno / rave tune</a>. It’s certainly a, erm, unique combination.<br />
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Being <i>Knuckle Head</i>’s biggest, strongest character, you won’t be surprised to lean that Gregory likes to get in close, using his charging headbutt to close the distance so he can get you with his backbreaker or his “Tidal Wave” axe attack. In a way this <i>does</i> play to Rob’s strengths, because it mitigates the differences in range. I found that the dragon punch has enough invincibility frames that you can often sneak one through before Gregory’s attacks land, but one very useful tactic that applies to all battles in <i>Knuckle Heads</i> is to simply block whatever’s coming your way and then go for a throw once the enemy’s attack is over. This is an especially effective tactic because you can block everything (except throws) simply by holding back on the joystick because – get this – there is <i>no crouching</i> in this game. That’s right, no ducking, no crouching attacks and no need to block low. Even more that jump being on a button, the complete lack of crouching took a lot of getting used to because it’s such a fundamental part of most fighting games. I was still trying to land low attacks by the time I reached the fifth fight…<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-eHm2fGEP7Q0/W_15gVGgs7I/AAAAAAAAgEU/fjBvgncXnwgDluLgPZlkoveayPwtWvnAACLcBGAs/s1600/kh18.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="576" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-eHm2fGEP7Q0/W_15gVGgs7I/AAAAAAAAgEU/fjBvgncXnwgDluLgPZlkoveayPwtWvnAACLcBGAs/s1600/kh18.png" /></a></div>
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...which is against over-armoured, hammer-swinging Greek diddyman Blat. I feel like that hammer is too much. Like, I understand that this is a weapon-based fighting tournament, but that thing’s just taking the piss. I’m surprised Blat didn’t turn up with a gun. But a hammer he has, and he likes to spin around a lot and clip you with its massive hitbox when you’re convinced you should have avoided the attack. <i>Knuckle Heads</i> is mostly a solidly put-together game, but it definitely lacks the precision of <i>Street Fighter II</i> or SNK’s fighting games, with sometimes fuzzy hit detection that’s not bad enough to ruin the game but will make you utter a slightly annoyed “hmm” every now and then.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-bJIdNQ7q0L4/W_15gWqkV2I/AAAAAAAAgEY/z1biuWAhcskRb8O0_wA2Ht8QALQtoBuOgCLcBGAs/s1600/kh19.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="576" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-bJIdNQ7q0L4/W_15gWqkV2I/AAAAAAAAgEY/z1biuWAhcskRb8O0_wA2Ht8QALQtoBuOgCLcBGAs/s1600/kh19.png" /></a></div>
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Perhaps it’s unfair to keep comparing <i>Knuckle Heads </i>to <i>Street Fighter II</i>, because Namco were clearly trying to do something a bit different, especially when compared to more formulaic clones like <i>Fighter’s History</i> or <i>World Heroes</i>. The lack of low attacks gives the fights a very different feel to most fighting games – I’m so used to high-low mixups being a fundamental aspect of fighting game strategy, and the lack of that option means it can be difficult to break through your opponent’s defence. This means <i>Knuckle Heads</i> becomes much more of a test of patience and timing rather than finding openings through aggressive play, and the best strategy almost always seem to be to wait for your opponent to make a mistake and then punish it because you simply don’t have the offensive tools to pressurise effectively.<br />
Anyway, I managed to beat Blat by repeatedly chucking him across the screen, and with all the other playable character defeated it’s time to move on to the final boss, right? Well, you’d think so, but <i>Knuckle Heads</i> has yet another twist up its sleeve.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-2Tvto-PPyOw/W_15ggG6h3I/AAAAAAAAgEc/Ln3bQ9VYCm4Skz-ZQB1h8vWXPVmaXmPVQCLcBGAs/s1600/kh20.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="576" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-2Tvto-PPyOw/W_15ggG6h3I/AAAAAAAAgEc/Ln3bQ9VYCm4Skz-ZQB1h8vWXPVmaXmPVQCLcBGAs/s1600/kh20.png" /></a></div>
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It’s a two-on-one fight now! I’m the one, naturally. Blat and Gregory have teamed up to take Rob down, and I’ve made the terrible mistake of getting caught between them, where their long-reaching attacks can keep me trapped. This explains why you can’t crouch and why jump is on a button – it’s because in the two-on-one fights you need up and down on the joystick to <i>walk</i> up and down between background planes, like you would in a side-scrolling beat-em-up. Not only are there two-on-one fights, you can have up to <i>four </i>fighters on screen at once in versus mode.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-xTt6u5Aw5BI/W_15g1apoTI/AAAAAAAAgEg/BNAMEZULURkNCLKLs6hTeDIonqBNNvUxwCLcBGAs/s1600/kh21.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="576" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-xTt6u5Aw5BI/W_15g1apoTI/AAAAAAAAgEg/BNAMEZULURkNCLKLs6hTeDIonqBNNvUxwCLcBGAs/s1600/kh21.png" /></a></div>
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The multi-man melees had the potential to be a frustrating, overwhelming mess, but fortunately Namco managed to keep them just on the right side of chaotic. Your opponents can hit <i>each other</i>, for starters, and you can throw them into each other, too. Your special moves come to the fore here, because they’re more likely to hit both opponents at once, and if you’re playing as a character who had the foresight to bring a weapon that doesn’t boil down to “punching, but with a stick strapped to your arm” then keeping your enemies as far away as possible is a good strategy, too.<br />
On the whole the tag battles work much better than I expected them to. They’re quite difficult, of course, but it’s easy to get your character facing the right way and blocking being so effective prevents one enemy hitting you high while the other hits you low, for example. My biggest gripe is that each of these battles is still a two-round fight, which is downright <i>rude</i>. I just beat two fighters at once, I shouldn’t have to beat them <i>again</i>.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-k2BK4dvQOcg/W_15g7LFs4I/AAAAAAAAgEk/s6fAeye_uloPLaVo0LuQvm-hWQdSjXadACLcBGAs/s1600/kh22.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="576" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-k2BK4dvQOcg/W_15g7LFs4I/AAAAAAAAgEk/s6fAeye_uloPLaVo0LuQvm-hWQdSjXadACLcBGAs/s1600/kh22.png" /></a></div>
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After three tag battles, you do have to face <i>Knuckle Heads</i>’ equivalent of a final boss – but disappointingly it’s just a golden doppelganger of whatever character you’re playing as. That said, I’ve played a lot of arcade fighting games where you struggle to the end only to be presented with a final boss who is, to use the technical term, absolute bullshit – I’m looking at you, every SNK fighting game ever. Still, it’s hard to drum up much enthusiasm for Rob Redux, even if it does give you a taste of what’d happen if the Oscars statuette came to life and got rowdy. The same tactics apply here, especially the block-throw-repeat loop, and soon the ten billion dollar prize will be in your hands.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-K2BdIbmhmGA/W_15g2TvqcI/AAAAAAAAgEo/xe5KFTjKHP4MFNiAFE43PhsLrSGX1pxKQCLcBGAs/s1600/kh23.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="576" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-K2BdIbmhmGA/W_15g2TvqcI/AAAAAAAAgEo/xe5KFTjKHP4MFNiAFE43PhsLrSGX1pxKQCLcBGAs/s1600/kh23.png" /></a></div>
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Rob’s ending was not what I was expecting. I though he was going to live the life of a playboy millionaire, or maybe eschew the money to devote his life to martial arts training, but no – instead he used the money to bail out his father’s failing business. Then he asks for a job. Rob, you have <i>ten billion dollars</i>, the only job you need is building your own Scrooge McDuck-style money vault.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ub4kE0HZb94/W_15hd4TMcI/AAAAAAAAgEs/JwJ4cH-uOa83J7vK8PaLksrRTDDOGYPIgCLcBGAs/s1600/kh24.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="576" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ub4kE0HZb94/W_15hd4TMcI/AAAAAAAAgEs/JwJ4cH-uOa83J7vK8PaLksrRTDDOGYPIgCLcBGAs/s1600/kh24.png" /></a></div>
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I like that Rob literally hangs up his tonfas, that’s a nice touch.<br />
Each character has their own ending, and unsurprisingly Rob’s is the least interesting of the bunch. Christine uses the money to fund her own kung-fu action movie. Fujioka turns out to be an undercover cop who’s investigating the show’s host for drug smuggling, and it must have been a fun day down at the precinct when he was picking ninja gear as his undercover outfit. Claudia uses her billions to buy the Amazon rainforest in order to protect it, sorely underestimating the cash value of the Amazon rainforest. Gregory gives the money to his estranged wife and kids – the wedge between them no doubt being Greg’s insistence that he’s a viking – and his generosity helps them reconcile. My favourite ending is Blat’s, because he manages to spend ten billion dollars on women and booze in just <i>three years.</i> Eat your heart out, George Best.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-E2HhSJ8skIU/W_15hqdjnoI/AAAAAAAAgEw/S-Slc8qAY8AZ5JhvJfIK_8uDGatpQlIywCLcBGAs/s1600/kh25.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="576" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-E2HhSJ8skIU/W_15hqdjnoI/AAAAAAAAgEw/S-Slc8qAY8AZ5JhvJfIK_8uDGatpQlIywCLcBGAs/s1600/kh25.png" /></a></div>
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And that’s <i>Knuckle Heads</i>, Namco's bold and sometimes experimental take on the fighting game formula. Whether this was the inspiration for the weapon-based combat of <i>Soul Edge</i>, who can say? I definitely had a fun time playing it, though. Not as polished as the cream of the fighting game crop, a little more one-note in its gameplay and the small roster of characters is a drawback, granted, but Knuckle Heads' gameplay is smooth, intense and colourful enough to be ideal for a bit of pick-up-and-play action. The characters are mostly interesting, (not you, Rob,) the graphics are bright and cheery and the soundtrack has some excellent tunes, especially Christine’s theme. I believe it’s what the kids refer to as a “banger.”<br />
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<iframe allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/VqajskwBEdE" width="560"></iframe><br /></div>
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If you listen to it long enough, it starts to sound like it’s being sung by meowing cats. Actually, the first time I heard this I thought “this really reminds me of <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fNZtdQHEjwI">“Iron Eyes” from <i>Street Fighter EX3</i></a>, a track I bloody love.” I looked up <i>Knuckle Heads</i>’ soundtrack after I finished the game to see it was composed by Takayuki Aihara… who also composed “Iron Eyes.” Good ear, me.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-YMigctgeuEU/W_15hzcPW6I/AAAAAAAAgE0/_n4m4U29KzEin3GHeTJGoTRg1JEG5SWpACLcBGAs/s1600/kh26.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="576" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-YMigctgeuEU/W_15hzcPW6I/AAAAAAAAgE0/_n4m4U29KzEin3GHeTJGoTRg1JEG5SWpACLcBGAs/s1600/kh26.png" /></a></div>
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Anyway, give <i>Knuckle Heads</i> a try. If you manage to get three other friends together to try the four-player mode, let me know what it’s like. The four-player battle, I mean, not having three friends. Obviously I’m not not interested in that.<br />
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<b>Recently on VGJUNK:</b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/11/jaleco-rally-big-run-arcade.html">Rally racing and traffic jams in <i>Big Run!</i></a><b> </b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/11/great-guns-arcade.html">Clown shooting and caveman nudity in <i>Great<b> </b>Guns!</i></a><b><br /></b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/11/tennis-computer-game-covers.html">Tennis computer game covers!</a><b> </b><br />
<b> </b></div>
VGJUNKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10847169968000988460noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1129376554965074880.post-69260432960742431422018-11-24T09:05:00.001-08:002018-11-24T09:05:50.114-08:00JALECO RALLY: BIG RUN (ARCADE)A couple of months ago I wrote about <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/08/tuff-e-nuff-snes.html"><i>Tuff E Nuff</i></a>, a SNES fighting game that (awful title aside) helped creators Jaleco strengthen their claim as the most consistent developer of <i>average</i> videogames. Sometimes Jaleco’s games are slightly above average, sometimes they’re slightly <i>below</i> average, but they’re never titles that make you jump for joy <i>or</i> jump around in pain because you hurt your foot when booting the game out of an open window. For this reason I have developed a tremendous amount of affection for Jaleco over the years, and it’s time I put that affection to the test by playing their 1989 off-road-race-em-up <i>Jaleco Rally: Big Run!</i><br />
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<i><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-MRY6F3OtojI/W_mDmWTQPVI/AAAAAAAAgBk/NtJ0jJYJBjwC-EOWcU2RsvFf29Hi47GzQCLcBGAs/s1600/br01.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-MRY6F3OtojI/W_mDmWTQPVI/AAAAAAAAgBk/NtJ0jJYJBjwC-EOWcU2RsvFf29Hi47GzQCLcBGAs/s1600/br01.png" /></a></i></div>
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“The Supreme 4WD Challenge,” claims the title screen. I’m pretty sure that refers to the concept of the race in question and not the game itself. Jaleco would never have the confidence to describe one of their products as “supreme.”<br />
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The Big Run in question is the Paris-Dakar Rally, a real-life off-road rally that sees competitors race from Paris, through southern Europe, across the Mediterranean Sea and down through Africa until they arrive at the finish line in the Senegalese capital Dakar. Or at least it <i>used </i>to, because concerns about terrorism saw the event move to South America in recent years. Supposedly the rally was started when its founder got lost in the Sahara during a <i>different</i> rally and though “hey, this would be a great place to hold a rally of my own!” I think that’s what they mean by making the best of a bad situation.<br />
I feel that I should also mention that the screenshot above means I’ll be humming a-ha’s “Take On Me” throughout this entirety of <i>Big Run</i>. Not to be worry, I’ll be finished writing this article in a day or twooooo…<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-I9MnDYMJhIk/W_mDmc909gI/AAAAAAAAgBo/kZOAUSE5RZoE0uytmlU2WO0Bq1PQweHPQCLcBGAs/s1600/br03.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-I9MnDYMJhIk/W_mDmc909gI/AAAAAAAAgBo/kZOAUSE5RZoE0uytmlU2WO0Bq1PQweHPQCLcBGAs/s1600/br03.png" /></a></div>
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The attract mode also reveals our racer’s entry form. Apparently our team is called “Big bois.” The Akihabara Big Bois, that’s us.<br />
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With coins inserted and start button pressed, the race gets underway. Immediately the Paris part of the Paris-Dakar thing goes right out the window, because you actually start in Tunis. No European section at all, then, and I suspect this is because if there <i>was </i>a Parisian component then Jaleco would have had to create lot of very different backgrounds instead of being able to reuse the same sand dunes and palm trees for the majority of the game.<br />
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<i>Big Run </i>is a racing game, of course. A very arcade-y racing game at that, with a sense of depth generated by sprite-scaling techniques a la Sega’s <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.co.uk/2012/09/outrun-arcade.html"><i>OutRun</i></a> and some very tight time-limits to beat. The game also measures what position you’re in amongst the other racers, but you can ignore that. The only thing you need to worry about is beating the checkpoint time. In fact, you can be in first place and<i> still</i> be disqualified for running out of time. Presumably this means all the other racers are disqualified too, and this year’s Paris-Dakar Rally comes to an abrupt stop somewhere near the Tunisia-Libya border.<br />
The controls are exactly what you’d expect for this kind of arcade racer. A steering wheel for turning, accelerate and brake buttons, and a gear shift for switching between low and high gear - again, much like <i>OutRun</i>. Man, I wish I was playing <i>OutRun</i>. Oh, and <i>Big Run</i> also has a button for honking your horn. It does nothing besides making a noise but it makes you feel a bit better to honk at the other racers, just like a real car horn.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-SeDTDzrQJTM/W_mDnf1TCNI/AAAAAAAAgB4/so4lZFB27PIzZ99js2GOnp48B_OekhqPwCLcBGAs/s1600/br06.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-SeDTDzrQJTM/W_mDnf1TCNI/AAAAAAAAgB4/so4lZFB27PIzZ99js2GOnp48B_OekhqPwCLcBGAs/s1600/br06.png" /></a></div>
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I was making decent progress in the early going, until there was a sudden ninety-degree turn on the course and I slammed right into this huge billboard of a bikini-clad Marilyn Monroe type. I say billboard, but Monroe’s expression changes from serenity to surprise when you crash into her so maybe she’s actually the 50 Foot Woman on a relaxing desert holiday. Jaleco seem to be very proud of this particular billboard, because it crops up throughout the rest of the game – and I’m convinced they placed the first one on the outside of this tight corner because they<i> knew</i> most first-time players would hit it and thus see it in action.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-0Os-Jflx2n0/W_mDnVOIJmI/AAAAAAAAgB8/E6eF91Q50kkHCQD5QEcUw2Ac-kFP37migCLcBGAs/s1600/br07.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-0Os-Jflx2n0/W_mDnVOIJmI/AAAAAAAAgB8/E6eF91Q50kkHCQD5QEcUw2Ac-kFP37migCLcBGAs/s1600/br07.png" /></a></div>
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Aside from the huge sentient advertisements, the rest of the first stage plays out just as you’d expect from an arcade racer of this vintage. You barrel through the sandy locales, trying your best not to get caught in the pack of CPU cars while also avoiding the more interesting hazards. Here, for example, you have to race along a raised section of the track and it’s fully possible to fall off the side, costing you vital seconds. In fact, if you fall off the side you might as well give up there and then because <i>Big Run</i>’s time limits are <i>very </i>strict. Any time I play an arcade racing game of this type I always turn the difficulty down because I have enough confidence on my own self-worth that I don’t need to seek validation by beating a coin-guzzling arcade game on its default settings, but even on easy one major crash can spell the end of a <i>Big Run</i>, erm, run.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-eGbNdaqIvmk/W_mDnoUe_yI/AAAAAAAAgCA/nqhhbR30vM8sNtkKpXelTXPng-8bTLlogCLcBGAs/s1600/br08.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-eGbNdaqIvmk/W_mDnoUe_yI/AAAAAAAAgCA/nqhhbR30vM8sNtkKpXelTXPng-8bTLlogCLcBGAs/s1600/br08.png" /></a></div>
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After a couple of attempts I made it over the finish line, mostly thanks to a potentially disastrous spin-out being averted when a CPU car rammed me from behind and immediately accelerated me to top speed. <i>Big Run </i>has discrete stages rather than one long course dotted with checkpoints, and here you can see the finish line of stage one. The Colossal Marilyn returns to survey the scene, but I’m more interested in the woman on the right. That’s the girlfriend from<i> OutRun!</i> She’s wearing the same outfit and everything. I guess she just really loves racing. C’mon Sega, give her a spin-of game of her own! Or at least get her in <i>Smash Brothers.</i><br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-KuyOr7Rae3k/W_mDn1i6eGI/AAAAAAAAgCE/lffeTFt-nUQmgQEkTPvEvWZRk4TJmaGXQCLcBGAs/s1600/br09.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-KuyOr7Rae3k/W_mDn1i6eGI/AAAAAAAAgCE/lffeTFt-nUQmgQEkTPvEvWZRk4TJmaGXQCLcBGAs/s1600/br09.png" /></a></div>
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That’s the general flow of <i>Big Run</i>, then. Racing through the desert, crashing into things, admiring the scenery. Look, there’s some camels! And sand! Lots of sand in this one, folks. I dare say there won’t be another videogame with this level of sand content until I get around to creating <i>Professional Sandcastle Builder 2019</i> and releasing it on Steam. Hey, if all these farming sims can sell thousands of copies I think I can make it work.<br />
In the screenshot above you can just about see that there’s a choice of routes to take through the stage. It’s not like <i>OutRun</i> where each path leads to a completely different stage and most of the time which route you take is determined solely by which direction the computer-controlled cars are shoving you towards, but it’s nice to have a bit of choice.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xMnznXUGvNk/W_mDokl-51I/AAAAAAAAgCI/2Ww8UUHEkaUsOPd4pPC3ZhRYo_PsZ13YgCLcBGAs/s1600/br10.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xMnznXUGvNk/W_mDokl-51I/AAAAAAAAgCI/2Ww8UUHEkaUsOPd4pPC3ZhRYo_PsZ13YgCLcBGAs/s1600/br10.png" /></a></div>
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Ah yes, the CPU cars. Here we come to one of <i>Big Run</i>’s deepest flaws, and that’s<i> too much traffic. </i>There are almost always cars nearby and frequently, as in the screenshot above, they’re positioned in such a way that they cover the entire road ahead of you despite having the whole goddamn desert to drive in. It makes it very difficult to build up any sense of speed – and consequently fun – when you’re constantly having to nose your way through a congealed blob of your fellow racers. In other racing games of this type, the issue of traffic is alleviated by having wider roads and a nimble, precisely-controlled vehicle, but neither of those things apply to<i> Big Run</i>. As a result, the other cars aren’t a challenging obstacle to avoid, they’re just a pain in the arse.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-QkLEzLs4lW8/W_mDpHInpiI/AAAAAAAAgCM/mlH02fmKHacDPfdwJaq_qvPB0e51VONggCLcBGAs/s1600/br11.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-QkLEzLs4lW8/W_mDpHInpiI/AAAAAAAAgCM/mlH02fmKHacDPfdwJaq_qvPB0e51VONggCLcBGAs/s1600/br11.png" /></a></div>
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Honestly, just look at this bullshit. Guys, the Sahara Desert is over three and a half million square miles in size, so why are you all<i> right up my arsehole?!</i><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-i8ff9-Eg72k/W_mDpWaxbUI/AAAAAAAAgCQ/4z6hfFVb8jUnaPR6C8mShnftxb8stPbDwCLcBGAs/s1600/br12.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-i8ff9-Eg72k/W_mDpWaxbUI/AAAAAAAAgCQ/4z6hfFVb8jUnaPR6C8mShnftxb8stPbDwCLcBGAs/s1600/br12.png" /></a></div>
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Sadly, even when the traffic is flowing a bit more freely <i>Big Run</i> still isn’t all that much fun to play. It never feels fast, for one thing, and I’m sad to report it doesn’t handle very well, either. A lot of the time it’s merely okay, but your car does feel sluggish and tight corners can be a proper nightmare because your car has a tendency to turn slowly for a while and then suddenly “snap” to a point past the angle you’re aiming for, making it difficult to perform anything but the shallowest turns smoothly. It reminds me a lot of Jaleco’s other arcade racer <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.co.uk/2015/01/cisco-heat-arcade.html"><i>Cisco Heat</i></a>; I assume both games run on the same engine. Sadly<i> Big Run</i> lacks <i>Cisco Heat</i>’s engaging visual madness. As we’ve established, it’s mostly sand.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZJUWBbxJF14/W_mDpm9borI/AAAAAAAAgCU/7NLsMhxCTJI2639DRcum9JmpL273LmgYQCLcBGAs/s1600/br13.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZJUWBbxJF14/W_mDpm9borI/AAAAAAAAgCU/7NLsMhxCTJI2639DRcum9JmpL273LmgYQCLcBGAs/s1600/br13.png" /></a></div>
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It’s nicely drawn sand, at least, and the visuals are a strong point in <i>Big Run</i>’s favour. It looks better in motion than it does in still pictures – especially now that recent versions of MAME can run the game more accurately than ever – and I particularly like the way the sand dunes are drawn and shaded. They look really <i>solid.</i> Or perhaps I get that feeling of solidity because I couldn’t stop crashing into the bloody things.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/--neCCUFXXI4/W_mDp13E8MI/AAAAAAAAgCY/kiH1OIzl-8E2Rv9ZGLzXZ9ZKPrRAVrmoQCLcBGAs/s1600/br14.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/--neCCUFXXI4/W_mDp13E8MI/AAAAAAAAgCY/kiH1OIzl-8E2Rv9ZGLzXZ9ZKPrRAVrmoQCLcBGAs/s1600/br14.png" /></a></div>
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As <i>Big Run</i> moves into its latter stages and you race through Niger and past Timbuktu, the scenery gains a bit more greenery and even the occasional water hazard - and the hint of a good game glitters below the dusty surface. That might just be down to me <i>wanting Big Run</i> to be fun, though. I really like this style of arcade racer, and I can usually trust Jaleco to come up with something that’s a solid six-out-of-ten at least… but <i>Big Run</i> doesn’t quite make the cut. I’ve certainly played worse racing games from the time, and <i>Big Run</i> does offer something different from the usual street or circuit races of its competitors, but the punishing time limits, the twitchy, unsatisfying controls and the vast swarms of roaming cars completely unconcerned by the safety of themselves and others make <i>Big Run</i> something of a chore to play. By the time I’d reached Mali, every minor collision or contact with the undergrowth was making my grind my teeth in a way that would horrifying my dentist.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-19oYCt_79oA/W_mDqJLDbQI/AAAAAAAAgCc/JfHum2CVFUkccjKIkABfDQQvx9nCglLCgCLcBGAs/s1600/br15.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-19oYCt_79oA/W_mDqJLDbQI/AAAAAAAAgCc/JfHum2CVFUkccjKIkABfDQQvx9nCglLCgCLcBGAs/s1600/br15.png" /></a></div>
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I did find myself negotiating some of the most convoluted sections of track while leaving my car in low gear, something that’d you’d never really do in any of <i>Big Run</i>’s peers – but it worked well enough that I wonder whether it was the intended way to traverse the trickier roadways. There’s almost an interesting idea in there, the concept of selecting the right gear for the situation, and because it’s an interesting idea that means it almost certainly <i>wasn’t</i> intentional.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-84AJhdn-_iA/W_mDqfqcvHI/AAAAAAAAgCg/fvol2LBxwrUSdRkzP2F6jVaml4wbikzJwCLcBGAs/s1600/br16.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-84AJhdn-_iA/W_mDqfqcvHI/AAAAAAAAgCg/fvol2LBxwrUSdRkzP2F6jVaml4wbikzJwCLcBGAs/s1600/br16.png" /></a></div>
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Eventually I reached the final stage. The game calls it the “victory run” in the bottom corner, which strikes me as rather presumptuous. They must not have seen me barely scraping through all the other stages in fourth place. The only victory here is the victory over common sense that playing all the way through a game I'm not enjoying represents.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-gOrwrrCerPE/W_mDqm-liJI/AAAAAAAAgCk/9VjEteOWZ5AGq7YMl2FgmiUFWzxwJiNvACLcBGAs/s1600/br17.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-gOrwrrCerPE/W_mDqm-liJI/AAAAAAAAgCk/9VjEteOWZ5AGq7YMl2FgmiUFWzxwJiNvACLcBGAs/s1600/br17.png" /></a></div>
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In the end I<i> did</i> achieve victory, and the ending sequence begins with your car driving slowly past all the people who have made this trans-African rally possible: your pit crew, the girlfriend from <i>OutRun</i> and her many identical sisters, the living billboards of iconic actresses, the scores of locals who have every right to be pissed off that I showed up in their countries, drove like a like an absolute lunatic through their cities and repeatedly crashed my car into their houses before receiving a prize and pissing off home. Frankly, I should be in prison.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-JZCSQ4RNWfo/W_mDq0n6YCI/AAAAAAAAgCo/6ZulXB8Xbt0bvIBF9hAQCJc1vig-YJXBACLcBGAs/s1600/br18.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-JZCSQ4RNWfo/W_mDq0n6YCI/AAAAAAAAgCo/6ZulXB8Xbt0bvIBF9hAQCJc1vig-YJXBACLcBGAs/s1600/br18.png" /></a></div>
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Then our driver ascends the podium, accompanied by a woman who is at least eighty percent leg. No wonder she’s wearing a leotard. Imagine how hard it’d be to find trousers with a twenty-inch waist and thirty-four inch legs.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5Ny5dAa_gjU/W_mDq2qUl3I/AAAAAAAAgCs/blMAtjKM5NE14O7ZfjD1Xr4o7TVbh-FmgCLcBGAs/s1600/br19.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5Ny5dAa_gjU/W_mDq2qUl3I/AAAAAAAAgCs/blMAtjKM5NE14O7ZfjD1Xr4o7TVbh-FmgCLcBGAs/s1600/br19.png" /></a></div>
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<i>Jaleco Rally: Big Run</i> is a mediocre game and therefore fits nicely into Jaleco’s catalogue, but sadly there are degrees of mediocrity and this one falls on the low end of that scale. It’s not totally awful or anything; the graphics are nice, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GoFkjjeVKss">the soundtrack’s okay</a> and on the simpler, less busy sections of the course it’s a perfectly acceptable racing game. However, it commits the sin of being a racing game that never lets you really get<i> going</i>. There’s very little sense of speed or flow when you’re constantly being boxed in by other drivers and struggling to take corners without suddenly lurching off in a new and unexpected direction, and with that in mind it’s not a game I can recommend. Perhaps the SNES port is better, but I haven't played that one and the arcade original isn't exactly encouraging me to check it out. I’ll be sticking to <i>OutRun</i>, but then of course I will. Hell, I might even mix it up a bit by playing some<i> Super Hang-On</i>. I’m a man of simple tastes, after all.<br />
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Oh, and while I’ve got you, here’s my roughly annual reminder that if for some reason you enjoy VGJunk you can always <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/p/donate-to-vgjunk.html">donate a couple of quid to the cause</a>, if you like. I’ve got a new job coming up but it doesn’t start for a while, so hopefully this’ll be the last time I ever bring it up. Thanks for reading, as always.<br />
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<b>Recently on VGJUNK:</b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/11/great-guns-arcade.html">Clown shooting and caveman nudity in <i>Great<b> </b>Guns!</i></a><b><br /></b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/11/tennis-computer-game-covers.html">Tennis computer game covers!</a><b> </b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/11/alley-cat-atari-800.html">Knocking stuff over and doging dogs in <i>Alley Cat! </i></a><b><br /></b><br />
<b> </b></div>
VGJUNKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10847169968000988460noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1129376554965074880.post-79099231256439480192018-11-22T08:31:00.002-08:002018-11-22T08:31:17.540-08:00GREAT GUNS (ARCADE)Today I’m looking at something I don’t consider a game so much as a training manual for the inevitable clownocalypse. Calm your nerves, steady your aim and prepare to become the real reason dinosaurs went extinct in Stern’s 1983 arcade shooter <i>Great Guns!</i><br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3g6AlGJigmc/W_bWKuGkYiI/AAAAAAAAgAU/LYYL6XPCfYMSVP1rBzZ3krRjrEgcz8IFgCLcBGAs/s1600/gg01.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3g6AlGJigmc/W_bWKuGkYiI/AAAAAAAAgAU/LYYL6XPCfYMSVP1rBzZ3krRjrEgcz8IFgCLcBGAs/s1600/gg01.png" /></a></div>
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<i>Great Guns</i>, not-so-great title screen. It’s nice that the game’s creators get credit right there on the title screen, but it’s hardly a sumptuous visual feast that’ll draw in passing gamers, is it? You’d think there’d at least be a picture of a gun on there somewhere, but no. Just white sparkles that make it look as though the logo is being served with a pinch of salt.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_ApPT_J_ET4/W_bWKmFJWiI/AAAAAAAAgAQ/PP25LM107fki4eNpRhVOofoO5lV-YwkvgCLcBGAs/s1600/gg02.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_ApPT_J_ET4/W_bWKmFJWiI/AAAAAAAAgAQ/PP25LM107fki4eNpRhVOofoO5lV-YwkvgCLcBGAs/s1600/gg02.png" /></a></div>
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Yep, <i>Great Guns</i> is a target shooting game that uses positional controls rather than lightguns. The guns in question are two honkin’ great full-sized rifles attached to the cabinet, for that authentic shooting experience. It makes reading <i>Great Guns</i>’ service manual fun, because the diagrams resemble a <i>Fallout</i> raider’s blueprints for shotgun traps.<br />
As always when covering lightgun games, it’s important to remember that they’re a case where playing them via emulation doesn’t give a true indication of how good the game is. So much of the fun is tied up in the visceral enjoyment of actually holding the physical gun, plus I’ve got no way of knowing whether <i>Great Guns</i>’ controllers were reliable or accurate. With that in mind, here’s a tour of the shooting opportunities that Great Guns has to offer.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_s4mGciTa4k/W_bWKmkYdhI/AAAAAAAAgAY/YlZ8Vaye-dwvcLin-RRz7R8g-Bwowh1WACLcBGAs/s1600/gg03.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_s4mGciTa4k/W_bWKmkYdhI/AAAAAAAAgAY/YlZ8Vaye-dwvcLin-RRz7R8g-Bwowh1WACLcBGAs/s1600/gg03.png" /></a></div>
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The carnival is in town, with all the thrilling rides and attractions that you’d expect – the rollercoaster, the haunted house, the strange and seemingly pointless pulley system that sits on <i>top</i> of the haunted house. All the favourites of kids young and old, I’m sure you’ll agree, and it’s up to you to ruin everyone’s day by shooting as many things marked with a white cross as possible. You’ve got a limited amount of ammo to score as many points as you can. <i>Great Guns</i> really is as simple as that.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-s2WljrOO19E/W_bWLBFLLaI/AAAAAAAAgAc/hyONrW40g2k13yZcI11cohAuurdXgYzDACLcBGAs/s1600/gg04.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-s2WljrOO19E/W_bWLBFLLaI/AAAAAAAAgAc/hyONrW40g2k13yZcI11cohAuurdXgYzDACLcBGAs/s1600/gg04.png" /></a></div>
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Of course, all the elements of the stage are moving, so it’s not as straightforward as a still screenshot might suggest. The unicycling juggler moves across the bottom of the screen, for example, with each of his spinning balls being a viable target. Shoot them all to receive a golden medal and the undying gratitude of the populace for your part in reducing the number of unicycling jugglers in the world. No, not really, you just get points. All you <i>ever </i>get is points, and occasionally a few extra bullets. <br />
As for the rest of the carnival, the carousel spins, people ride the rollercoaster and the planet’s most incompetent balloon salesman is constantly letting flocks of his product drift into the sky. Just look at the balloon man’s moustache, he’s clearly related to Dr. Robotnik. Incompetence just runs in the family, huh?. The obvious star of this scene is the ghost that pops up in the window of the haunted house, because they’re clearly having more fun than anyone else. Okay, so what’s in the next stage?<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-N4odm22x0Ko/W_bWLRrBgQI/AAAAAAAAgAg/3LOzlis1OPcAEx0b8yF87y7Seudw4900ACLcBGAs/s1600/gg05.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-N4odm22x0Ko/W_bWLRrBgQI/AAAAAAAAgAg/3LOzlis1OPcAEx0b8yF87y7Seudw4900ACLcBGAs/s1600/gg05.png" /></a></div>
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Sorry, not “stage,” I mean “gun channel.” I’ll stick around, I guess. I’ve been told it’s going to be exciting.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-r9qbo0dweY0/W_bWLmk0LqI/AAAAAAAAgAk/S6P2WnnGDt83vZ-r0y30xbdExUF6TM6-wCLcBGAs/s1600/gg06.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-r9qbo0dweY0/W_bWLmk0LqI/AAAAAAAAgAk/S6P2WnnGDt83vZ-r0y30xbdExUF6TM6-wCLcBGAs/s1600/gg06.png" /></a></div>
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I suppose terror is a<i> kind</i> of excitement.<br />
Yep, this screen all about shooting a floating clown head right in its hideous grinning face. Rather than the multiple targets of the carnival stage, the clown presents one or two targets at a time to test your precision shooting skills. There’s a target under his hat, targets pop out of his ears on springs and rather disturbingly the clown offers it’s own facial features as targets – urging the player to shoot it in the teeth or right in the eyes, all with a goofy smile on its face. It’s smiling because it knows that, as a clown, it cannot be harmed by something so mundane as a <i>gun</i>.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yEHJ96UyQpI/W_bWLgS17iI/AAAAAAAAgAo/DofQYjISQZYRlYa8ERYFjfSqnSwJ2SLgQCLcBGAs/s1600/gg07.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yEHJ96UyQpI/W_bWLgS17iI/AAAAAAAAgAo/DofQYjISQZYRlYa8ERYFjfSqnSwJ2SLgQCLcBGAs/s1600/gg07.png" /></a></div>
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Something much less upsetting next, with a jolly little scene of a castle under siege by viking raiders. It feels a bit more interactive than the previous scenes, which helps; for example, shooting the gate open releases knights that you can hit, and knocking all the vikings out of their longboat causes it to sink. It’s definitely the “gun channel” that I enjoyed the most, thanks in no small part to the adorable sight of the king and queen cowering behind the parapets. That said, the<i> real </i>reason I enjoyed it is because after playing the first two stages I went into the dip switch settings and increased the size of the targets' hitboxes from “infant microsurgery level of precision” to “merely challenging.” Seriously, the default settings require absolutely pin-point shooting to score a hit, so the guns on the actual arcade cabinet better<i> have </i>been pretty bloody good. It doesn’t help that most of the targets are placed on round, coloured targets, because it tricks you into thinking that any hit on the round coloured target will be good enough. It isn’t. You have to hit the cross itself.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hxZDplNNe1A/W_bWL8ZWaXI/AAAAAAAAgAs/mzpegc3RZ1UrBsJGKsuencJuIUghH5bGACLcBGAs/s1600/gg08.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hxZDplNNe1A/W_bWL8ZWaXI/AAAAAAAAgAs/mzpegc3RZ1UrBsJGKsuencJuIUghH5bGACLcBGAs/s1600/gg08.png" /></a></div>
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Less interesting than the castle scene is this screen of two poor fools locked in an endless catapult war. You can try to show them the futility of their struggle by shooting the catapulted boulders out of the air but they’ll never give up their endless war. Mind you, they look pretty cheerful. Maybe I’ve misread the situation and they’re actually boulder tradesmen who can’t afford a boat.<br />
Also present are a sea monster with a particularly tricky target in its mouth, and a chap who had the misfortune to fly across a gun range in a hot-air balloon. Surprisingly you can’t pop the balloon. However, you <i>can</i> destroy its sandbags, and the lack of ballast causes it to drift up into the stratosphere. That’s definitely worse.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-q2X8ph8iAq4/W_bWMBJiiLI/AAAAAAAAgAw/x_g0wGO_VjkJQR4CxSFSp-feyi97FlTDACLcBGAs/s1600/gg09.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-q2X8ph8iAq4/W_bWMBJiiLI/AAAAAAAAgAw/x_g0wGO_VjkJQR4CxSFSp-feyi97FlTDACLcBGAs/s1600/gg09.png" /></a></div>
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The time-travel continues, and now we’re back in a prehistoric scene seemingly designed specifically to annoy paleontologists. Cavemen, dinosaurs and elephants all in the same place? Preposterous! I suppose you could argue that it’s supposed to be a woolly mammoth, but there are two drawbacks to that interpretation; one, it’s not woolly and two, it’s an elephant. However, the most important aspect of this scene is that the caveman has been drawn with a very well-defined arsecrack. Go on, take a good look at that caveman’s backside. Delightful.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ymD9mzaYr_Y/W_bWMAQ9i3I/AAAAAAAAgA0/cUiHsaznGJAbWlOxC9DnsuTE12EM-HgiACLcBGAs/s1600/gg10.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ymD9mzaYr_Y/W_bWMAQ9i3I/AAAAAAAAgA0/cUiHsaznGJAbWlOxC9DnsuTE12EM-HgiACLcBGAs/s1600/gg10.png" /></a></div>
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There are also some smaller, less involved scenes that I think are triggered by doing well on the previous scene. Don’t quote me on that, though. I certainly didn’t<i> feel</i> like I was doing well, especially on the rather difficult dinosaur scene. I tried taking it more slowly and going after precise shots, but if you go a couple of seconds without firing <i>Great Guns</i> penalises you by taking some of your bullets away.<br />
Anyway, here some panthers run back and forth across the screen. Every time you shoot them, they run faster. If you <i>do</i> manage to hit them, and that’s hardly guaranteed, they flail around in a very Tom and Jerry pose for a seconds. That’s about all the excitement that this stage has to offer, if I’m honest.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1g-tUEfdq-0/W_bWMfFfAxI/AAAAAAAAgA4/DnL16fRS9IMeIxyDKTnemhs7Em2GV81xQCLcBGAs/s1600/gg11.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1g-tUEfdq-0/W_bWMfFfAxI/AAAAAAAAgA4/DnL16fRS9IMeIxyDKTnemhs7Em2GV81xQCLcBGAs/s1600/gg11.png" /></a></div>
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Ah yes, the field where they grow the clowns. When a clown dies, usually in a battle for territory with a larger, more aggressive clown, their shiny red nose detaches from the corpse and releases a cloud of spores that, in turn, generate yet more red noses that will eventually develop into fully-grown clowns unless some brave person eliminates them during infancy. Make sure you shoot them all! If even one clown nose escapes, the process will begin all over again. You should really be using a flamethrower rather than a rifle for this scene, but needs must.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-j5ds2ycLGVI/W_bWMsf_55I/AAAAAAAAgA8/QtdNr9jrhho1suJEN8lcHQjFtBFmYbkQACLcBGAs/s1600/gg12.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-j5ds2ycLGVI/W_bWMsf_55I/AAAAAAAAgA8/QtdNr9jrhho1suJEN8lcHQjFtBFmYbkQACLcBGAs/s1600/gg12.png" /></a></div>
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Here’s a wizard. According to <i>Great Guns</i>’ flyer, the wizard “emanates puffs of smoke from his fingertips,” which as far as wizard magic goes is a very poor showing. I suppose it’s a magic missile in the very loosest sense, but it’s hardly a fireball or something, is it? Also they look more like meatballs than smoke. I’m being unfair, of course. Considering this is a game from 1983, that’s a very impressive wizard. I know it’s easier to implement such a sprite when the only movement the wizard makes would be best described as “jazz hands,” but it’s still a nice sprite.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-plf62YFFct4/W_bWMkwrh5I/AAAAAAAAgBA/OXYmgv2AW00LsXTOqMa3NrkV_ATUhudhwCLcBGAs/s1600/gg13.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-plf62YFFct4/W_bWMkwrh5I/AAAAAAAAgBA/OXYmgv2AW00LsXTOqMa3NrkV_ATUhudhwCLcBGAs/s1600/gg13.png" /></a></div>
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Finally, there’s this cro-magnon recreation of a <i>Scooby Doo</i> bit where the cavemen scuttle back and forth carrying targets, and when you shoot them they change directions. Again, not the most engaging shooting gallery I’ve ever played. I spent most of my time wondering why they’ve all got blue hair. Fashion, I suppose. Oh, no, I get it - they're all wearing hats made from the pelts of those blue panthers I shot earlier. They have yet to develop either the sartorial skill or the levels of shame needed to cover their cavemen nudity, mind you.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-uJ23eMHcWMo/W_bWNPkQfWI/AAAAAAAAgBE/0twKslfQmPMmBI03EkCMWDTzBqROPTMJQCLcBGAs/s1600/gg14.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-uJ23eMHcWMo/W_bWNPkQfWI/AAAAAAAAgBE/0twKslfQmPMmBI03EkCMWDTzBqROPTMJQCLcBGAs/s1600/gg14.png" /></a></div>
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That’s it for <i>Great Guns</i>. The game’ll keep going until you either run out of bullets or get bored and stop playing, and while<i> I </i>was playing it it felt like a fifty-fifty shout between those two outcomes. I’ve already said that it’s kinda pointless to try to decide whether <i>Great Guns</i> is “good” without playing it on original hardware, but given the scenes that are presented to you I don’t think it’d suddenly become an excellent game with a fake rifle in your hands. It’s certainly not bad, at least once you’ve turned the difficulty level down, and the bigger scenes are quite charming in their way. I think it’s just that <i>Great Guns</i> is old enough that it’s right on the cusp of being <i>too</i> simple for me to really enjoy all that much. It really is just point and shoot, with no power-ups or special challenges to liven things up. On the plus side, it does realise that all clowns should be eliminated and therefore serves a valuable purpose as an educational tool.<br />
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<b>Recently on VGJUNK:</b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/11/tennis-computer-game-covers.html">Tennis computer game covers!</a><b> </b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/11/alley-cat-atari-800.html">Knocking stuff over and doging dogs in <i>Alley Cat! </i></a><b><br /></b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/10/splatterhouse-3-megadrive-genesis.html">Halloween season concludes with <i>Splatterhouse 3! </i></a><br />
<b> </b></div>
VGJUNKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10847169968000988460noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1129376554965074880.post-35661313508087546742018-11-14T10:55:00.004-08:002018-11-14T10:55:52.861-08:00TENNIS COMPUTER GAME COVERSI think it’s about time for more home computer sports game covers, don’t you? Whaddya mean, “no”? It’s too late now, I’ve already gathered together a bunch of cover art from tennis games and I’m not going to let all that <i>back-breaking effort</i> go to waste. Previously I’ve checked out cover art from “sporting” genres such as <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/08/snooker-and-pool-computer-game-covers.html">snooker</a> and <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2017/04/chess-game-covers.html">chess</a>, but tennis feels like an especially appropriate sport to look at because hey, <i>Pong </i>is essentially a tennis game, right? And <i>Pong</i> is such a milestone in the development of videogames that making dumb jokes about the cover art of the games it spawned is basically the same as doing important academic work. I'm a historian! Cool, I’ve convinced myself. Let’s get to it, then!<br />
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<b>Tennis Cup, Amiga, Loriciel</b></div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yDknbMpEDdU/W-xuLbQT4aI/AAAAAAAAf-g/s8-5iODm_vsUfm4oU86rNpOZrjc35pA1QCLcBGAs/s1600/tc01.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="801" data-original-width="779" height="640" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yDknbMpEDdU/W-xuLbQT4aI/AAAAAAAAf-g/s8-5iODm_vsUfm4oU86rNpOZrjc35pA1QCLcBGAs/s640/tc01.jpg" width="620" /></a></div>
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Immediately I realised that the concept of this article might be fundamentally flawed, because there’s only so much I’m going to be able to say about images of people wearing all-white outfits and holding tennis racquets. I suppose I’ll just have to zero in on the finer details, like the way the guy on the left is holding his racquet in a way that suggests he’s preparing for an overhead chop. I could create an elaborate backstory to explain this, one where he grew up in an isolated mountain cabin until one day he was spotted by an ageing tennis coach who realised the young man’s firewood chopping technique could be converted into a phenomenally powerful backhand. Hire me to write your sports anime, please.<br />
However, what really stands out to me is just how incredibly smooth and hairless everybody’s legs are, especially the chap in the centre. He must be at least twenty-five percent dolphin.<br />
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<b>Konami’s Tennis, ZX Spectrum, Konami / Imagine</b></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Dxo34gLHZdg/W-xuLv-0xWI/AAAAAAAAf-k/utHFNQ_BYDU0Zz5cxZnUcBx4tTmr0OwmwCLcBGAs/s1600/tc02.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="996" data-original-width="800" height="640" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Dxo34gLHZdg/W-xuLv-0xWI/AAAAAAAAf-k/utHFNQ_BYDU0Zz5cxZnUcBx4tTmr0OwmwCLcBGAs/s640/tc02.jpg" width="514" /></a></div>
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More smooth legs on display here, too. I thought it was swimmers who removed all their body hair? Are all professional tennis players competing in these tournaments in the hope of winning enough money to pay off the crippling debts they owe to Veet? I’m not complaining really, this is a perfectly good piece of artwork from prolific computer game artist Bob Wakelin. It’s got movement, precision, a weirdly out-of-place desert chrome logo and the guy on the right’s foot is dissolving away into nothingness. What more could you ask for?<br />
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<b>Konami’s Tennis, MSX, Konami</b></div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-q0tI3wzHyaU/W-xuLpQHjmI/AAAAAAAAf-o/ngpeJDJBLfku9uwLDGLX7zOqmaAGvR1ZQCLcBGAs/s1600/tc03.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1011" data-original-width="741" height="640" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-q0tI3wzHyaU/W-xuLpQHjmI/AAAAAAAAf-o/ngpeJDJBLfku9uwLDGLX7zOqmaAGvR1ZQCLcBGAs/s640/tc03.jpg" width="468" /></a></div>
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Over on the cover for the MSX version of the same game, we see some very unsporting behaviour as one player celebrates hitting her opponent in the head with the ball. There’s definitely something nasty about that character, as though they revel in the pain of others. Between her single tooth and the fact she’s literally sticking two fingers up at the player, she’s got the air of a petulant baby-person. The on-court tantrums of John McEnroe in the body of a weird pop-art baby with a serious case of Popeye Elbows, that’s what this cover is all about.<br />
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<b>International Tennis, ZX Spectrum, Zeppelin Games</b></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/--DJJUwmyWVg/W-xuL2m5MhI/AAAAAAAAf-s/IB6soG_4KX0u-KNE22SSVfLXpMNqn_Y7wCLcBGAs/s1600/tc04.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1248" data-original-width="801" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/--DJJUwmyWVg/W-xuL2m5MhI/AAAAAAAAf-s/IB6soG_4KX0u-KNE22SSVfLXpMNqn_Y7wCLcBGAs/s640/tc04.jpg" width="410" /></a></div>
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Full marks to the artist on this one for taking on the difficult task of making a tennis game look “international” by covering the player in a variety of national flags. Some of the flags might look a little strange – I’m not sure what’s going on with that starless, six-striped US flag beyond the artist understandably not wanting to draw all those stars – but it gets the point across. If that wasn’t enough, there’s a world map printed on the tennis ball. Yes, the only way this could have more succinctly conveyed the idea of international tennis is if it was a picture of the very continents themselves holding tennis racquets, which is what<i> I </i>would have done. Antarctica would have been the umpire.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Advantage Tennis, Amiga, Infogrames</b></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zTfCX1uUB4I/W-xuMDSIByI/AAAAAAAAf-w/PVZqZC5rAvQIcr0Vr7knYvhXLI0Z0Cs0QCLcBGAs/s1600/tc05.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="968" data-original-width="800" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zTfCX1uUB4I/W-xuMDSIByI/AAAAAAAAf-w/PVZqZC5rAvQIcr0Vr7knYvhXLI0Z0Cs0QCLcBGAs/s640/tc05.jpg" width="528" /></a></div>
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Now here’s a cover I do genuinely like. Sure, it’s painfully nineties with a colour scheme that reminds me of buying packs of highlighter pens during the back to school shop and then never using them, but at least it’s not smooth-legged people in white clothes. The stark background and logo makes for a nice contrast with the colour and fluidity of the chalk drawings, and if you ever needed a theme for a music video to go with an eighties song about tennis, then here you go. Not that there <i>are</i> many eighties songs about tennis, of course. There’s Chris Rea’s “<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AAOf6s9js9Q">Tennis</a>,” I suppose, but that’s not really <i>about </i>tennis. Nice bass riff, though. Where was I? Oh, right, tennis covers.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>On-Court Tennis, Commodore 64, Activision</b></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-9YptmJiKS7w/W-xuMe6YjxI/AAAAAAAAf-0/Zo6FlIOWSWUQAvmnf849iGFJMnsSHBdrwCLcBGAs/s1600/tc06.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="692" data-original-width="503" height="640" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-9YptmJiKS7w/W-xuMe6YjxI/AAAAAAAAf-0/Zo6FlIOWSWUQAvmnf849iGFJMnsSHBdrwCLcBGAs/s640/tc06.jpg" width="464" /></a></div>
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This chap seems confused that someone has written a bunch of cryptic information on the tennis ball he’s trying to hit. “What is this ‘flash load’?” he ponders as he prepares to slice the ball back over the net. Unfortunately for him he will never be a world-class tennis player, because this artwork clearly depicts him as having hair on his arms. With the extra drag this generates he won’t be fast enough to compete against his hairless rivals.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Match Point, Commodore 64, Psion</b></div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-M3G2a5Utd_0/W-xuMpyAUhI/AAAAAAAAf-4/-5Co66raMAI2E-HYFBv9G5ckwcl3tR3aACLcBGAs/s1600/tc07.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1160" data-original-width="756" height="640" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-M3G2a5Utd_0/W-xuMpyAUhI/AAAAAAAAf-4/-5Co66raMAI2E-HYFBv9G5ckwcl3tR3aACLcBGAs/s640/tc07.jpg" width="416" /></a></div>
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Here we see a tennis player whose nickname is undoubtedly “The Underbite.” Captured in this image is The Underbite’s sudden realisation that maybe he should have brought a full-sized racquet to this match instead of the Action Man accessory he’s currently using. Speaking of Action Man, this image looks like it was taken straight from the cover of a sixties or seventies “men’s magazine,” except instead of surviving a World War II ambush or hunting big game he’s getting some healthy exercise down at the local tennis club before heading back to job at the council.<br />
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<b>Tournament Tennis, Commodore 64, Imagic</b></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-E4Zw_FnwUio/W-xuMjFOx7I/AAAAAAAAf-8/ioRnpYMoUVYZB_CTwNqhD3q7q9CbdO9VwCLcBGAs/s1600/tc08.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1046" data-original-width="767" height="640" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-E4Zw_FnwUio/W-xuMjFOx7I/AAAAAAAAf-8/ioRnpYMoUVYZB_CTwNqhD3q7q9CbdO9VwCLcBGAs/s640/tc08.jpg" width="468" /></a></div>
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Have you ever wondered what a statue of a tennis player carved from glistening, meaty dog food would look like? No, me neither, but here we are. This is the terrible knowledge that we both now share. I wonder what the thinking behind this particular aesthetic choice was? An attempt to create the ur-tennis-player, perhaps, one that exhibits protean strength and finesse, one that belongs to no single race or creed? That could be the case. Equally the artist could have been eating a treacle sponge while doing the artwork and, having dropped a big dollop of their dessert onto the paper, they decided to work it into the art. Whoever this mysterious player is, they’re in a for a real surprise when they realise that’s not a tennis ball coming at them, and someone’s whipped a cue ball towards them instead.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>International 3D Tennis, ZX Spectrum, Sensible Software</b></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-YKxD7f1rhqk/W-xuM7_06kI/AAAAAAAAf_A/sxmRBOO-19UFAp1nWofWgJ51768EKFpeACLcBGAs/s1600/tc09.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1010" data-original-width="770" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-YKxD7f1rhqk/W-xuM7_06kI/AAAAAAAAf_A/sxmRBOO-19UFAp1nWofWgJ51768EKFpeACLcBGAs/s640/tc09.jpg" width="486" /></a></div>
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I showed this one in an earlier sports game covers article, but I can’t leave it out. I just really like the idea of a tennis game cover that captures the exact moment a player suffers a horrible ankle injury. Not in a mean way, I hasten to add. I just think it’s weird, is all. I also think this player looks like unthreatening pop-jazz musician Jamie Cullum. Perhaps the broken ankle is punishment for Cullum’s anodyne cover of Jeff Buckley’s ‘Lover, You Should Have Come Over.”<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Jahangir Khan World Championship Squash, ZX Spectrum, Krisalis Software</b></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-zLvj7ELSA6k/W-xuNMjoG6I/AAAAAAAAf_E/1IflkqwdI54ONXUzCNBQZIV8sv1rHaLCQCLcBGAs/s1600/tc10.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="667" data-original-width="552" height="640" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-zLvj7ELSA6k/W-xuNMjoG6I/AAAAAAAAf_E/1IflkqwdI54ONXUzCNBQZIV8sv1rHaLCQCLcBGAs/s640/tc10.jpg" width="528" /></a></div>
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I figured I’d chuck in a few covers from adaptations of other racquet sports, because why not? What is squash if not a game of tennis played against a wall? I’m sorry, any squash players who might be reading this, I’m sure you hear that kind of unfair dismissal of your chosen sport all the time.<br />
So, here we’ve got to blokes playing squash, which is fair enough for the cover of a squash game. Leg-hair status: just as bald as tennis. The guy on the left’s leg is<i> so </i>smooth that it’s producing a blinding glare with which he can dazzle and disorient his opponent, which I’m sure isn’t<i> technically </i>against the rules of squash but is certainly rather poor sportsmanship<br />
I say “that guy,” but of course he’s the eponymous Jahangir Khan, a man who was certainly a squash champion. How much of a champion? Well, according to his Wikipedia page, Khan won five hundred and fifty-five squash matches.<i> In a row</i>. A five-and-a-half-year unbeaten streak. At that point you have to wonder whether all the other squash professionals’ hearts were really in it any more. “A tournament’s coming up, huh? Oh, Jahangir Khan has entered. You know what, I think I’ll save the air fare.” Khan eventually lost his streak in 1987. After that he went on another nine-month unbeaten run. He was good at squash, is what I’m saying, and he must have been a real easy pick for the star of this computer squash game. Khan is also the uncle of Natasha Khan, better known as the musician Bat for Lashes. I don’t know why this article has ended up containing so much music trivia. Maybe I’ve got a subconscious desire to write about music or something, so let’s give it a try – I’ve been listening to Alice Cooper’s albums that he doesn’t remember making recently, the ones from the deepest points of his struggle with alcohol and drugs, and there’s some fun, weird stuff in there. Check out the track “<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ms2PWYPzGFI">Skeletons in the Closet</a>,” for example. Okay, hopefully that’s gotten the musical stuff out of my system for now.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Jonah Barrington’s Squash, ZX Spectrum, New Generation Software</b></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3plvk4vKbaY/W-xuNNb8eSI/AAAAAAAAf_I/crmLL6SoxJIALAz3pUWL--HOjt2Ij1l0QCLcBGAs/s1600/tc11.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1176" data-original-width="752" height="640" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3plvk4vKbaY/W-xuNNb8eSI/AAAAAAAAf_I/crmLL6SoxJIALAz3pUWL--HOjt2Ij1l0QCLcBGAs/s640/tc11.jpg" width="408" /></a></div>
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Here’s another cover that you might have seen before if you follow me <a href="https://twitter.com/vgjunk">on Twitter</a>, and it might be my favourite of the bunch. It must have taken a huge amount of effort to get a professional athlete to look <i>this</i> uncomfortable. What on earth was the direction behind this piece? “That’s great Jonah, we’ve got some good action shots, but what if you pretended to be trapped in a giant, invisible baby bouncer? I feel that could really work as a concept.”<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Superstar Ping-Pong, Commodore 64, SilverTime</b></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qF-RwNtCsz0/W-xuNWKfwAI/AAAAAAAAf_M/epJmRnUQzdMTR74ffIvFnnfOq4-pdcwDgCLcBGAs/s1600/tc12.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1035" data-original-width="800" height="640" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qF-RwNtCsz0/W-xuNWKfwAI/AAAAAAAAf_M/epJmRnUQzdMTR74ffIvFnnfOq4-pdcwDgCLcBGAs/s640/tc12.jpg" width="494" /></a></div>
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Ping Pong also gets a seat at this table, of course. Not an especially interesting cover on its own, the real charm of <i>Superstar Ping-Pong</i> comes from that advertising blurb. “The potential of a ping-pong game has at last been realised” is such an overblown statement that it’s impossible not to love, as though there were millions of die-hard table tennis fans out there thinking “soon the computers will be able to recreate the game we love with perfect fidelity, and when that day comes we can at last fold up our ping-pong tables and put them away in the garage forevermore. No longer will we suffer the tyranny of not having enough space to play table tennis! This glorious day is soon at hand, my brothers and sisters!”<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Table Tennis Simulation, Atari ST, Starbyte</b></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1-zPQguPN58/W-xuNi8105I/AAAAAAAAf_Q/2QpJXJhbbfUeN9fljtRr3SY5QAf8FDcngCLcBGAs/s1600/tc13.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="954" data-original-width="800" height="640" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1-zPQguPN58/W-xuNi8105I/AAAAAAAAf_Q/2QpJXJhbbfUeN9fljtRr3SY5QAf8FDcngCLcBGAs/s640/tc13.jpg" width="536" /></a></div>
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You might be thinking that’s it’s not going to be an accurate simulation of table tennis if you’re playing as a tortoise, and you’d be right. Have you seen how fast top-level ping-pongers go at it? No, I think this cover is actually a clever piece of expectation management. By showing you tortoises right out of the gate, the game is subtly conditioning you to not be surprised when the actual game runs really slowly. Crafty, very crafty.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Ping Pong, Commodore 64, Konami / Imagine</b></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Au9UUrCq3TE/W-xuOApqt7I/AAAAAAAAf_U/ZDKd0Jzidc0ZoLU9rPTKKj71wXta3fFgQCLcBGAs/s1600/tc14.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1113" data-original-width="791" height="640" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Au9UUrCq3TE/W-xuOApqt7I/AAAAAAAAf_U/ZDKd0Jzidc0ZoLU9rPTKKj71wXta3fFgQCLcBGAs/s640/tc14.jpg" width="454" /></a></div>
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A much better cover here, as you might expect from a company like Konami. There’s almost a martial arts flavour to it, I reckon. Mind you, that might be because I’ve been playing <i>Fist of the North Star: Lost Paradise</i> recently so when I see people leaving ghostly after-images of themselves when they move, that’s what I’m reminded of. Still, I feel like if you changed the background and airbrushed out the paddles you’d have a perfectly acceptable cover for <i>Yie Ar Kung Fu</i>.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Tiebreaker, Commodore 64, Kingsoft</b></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-f-eAdvs78Qw/W-xuOMOXKAI/AAAAAAAAf_Y/g9dlrV1EXEU2X1OSZWXfYEf093xo6NV5gCLcBGAs/s1600/tc15.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="809" data-original-width="712" height="640" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-f-eAdvs78Qw/W-xuOMOXKAI/AAAAAAAAf_Y/g9dlrV1EXEU2X1OSZWXfYEf093xo6NV5gCLcBGAs/s640/tc15.jpg" width="563" /></a></div>
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The more you look at this cover, the more bizarre it gets. Just how long is that net? Why has the player gently knocked the ball straight to his opponent instead of trying to score a point by blasting it into the vast unoccupied space provided by this huge circular court? Are the insurers of this event not worried that one of the players might injure themselves by colliding with the six-foot tall trophy that’s right in the play area? The plaque on the trophy implies that the current holders are Kingsoft themselves, so we’re left to assume that they’ve created their own bizarro version of tennis in an attempt to spice things up.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Serve and Volley, Commodore 64, Accolade</b></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-PMjVeWM9mnw/W-xuOe4W3KI/AAAAAAAAf_c/ceyFuotoRUwgUsflgbhRrh3C72B0hqRfQCLcBGAs/s1600/tc16.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="780" height="640" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-PMjVeWM9mnw/W-xuOe4W3KI/AAAAAAAAf_c/ceyFuotoRUwgUsflgbhRrh3C72B0hqRfQCLcBGAs/s640/tc16.jpg" width="520" /></a></div>
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I feel like the artist on this one ran out of energy<i> just </i>before they got to the racquet. Everything else is perfectly fine, but the racquet seems to have been painted on in Tipp-Ex. Unless… that’s the ghost of a tennis racquet?<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Passing Shot, Commodore 64, Sega / Image Works</b></div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jB1qqoWt3Cs/W-xuOq6uAII/AAAAAAAAf_g/J5Wl8qnidkElXlaRce7G4FbNbSsG8fdigCLcBGAs/s1600/tc17.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1181" data-original-width="747" height="640" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jB1qqoWt3Cs/W-xuOq6uAII/AAAAAAAAf_g/J5Wl8qnidkElXlaRce7G4FbNbSsG8fdigCLcBGAs/s640/tc17.jpg" width="404" /></a></div>
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Definitely the most boring cover I’ll show you today is this re-release art for<i> Passing Shot</i>. It’s... a tennis ball. This is a tennis game on the Commodore 64, and that’s more than enough to give you a very strong idea of how it’s going to play. However, there<i> is</i> that title logo, and if on first glance you read it as <i>Passing Shot</i> and not Passing, erm, something else, you’re a better person than I.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Real Tennis, MSX, Takara</b></div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-W3LPgFbXbh8/W-xuOjxF7AI/AAAAAAAAf_k/P3v4PLZKAnkohYBVNk7DQMqhpKLJBRwAwCLcBGAs/s1600/tc18.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="566" data-original-width="424" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-W3LPgFbXbh8/W-xuOjxF7AI/AAAAAAAAf_k/P3v4PLZKAnkohYBVNk7DQMqhpKLJBRwAwCLcBGAs/s1600/tc18.jpg" /></a></div>
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To finish the article, let’s quickly look at a selection of fascinating faces, starting with this one where a young man has suddenly arrived at the realisation that he’d rather be doing <i>anything else</i> with his life than playing tennis. “Aww geez, he’s hit the ball back towards me again,” his expression seems to say, “how long will this nightmare continue? I could be at home watching YouTube videos of motorsport accidents!”<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Grand Slam, Amiga, Infinity Software</b></div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MUdYr2k0C4Y/W-xuO3EuhUI/AAAAAAAAf_o/Ja0dSeUTyfkw_FVk4npJydMmSYyKkPDbQCLcBGAs/s1600/tc19.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="816" data-original-width="800" height="640" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MUdYr2k0C4Y/W-xuO3EuhUI/AAAAAAAAf_o/Ja0dSeUTyfkw_FVk4npJydMmSYyKkPDbQCLcBGAs/s640/tc19.jpg" width="626" /></a></div>
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Look at this doe-eyed youth, fresh of face and lean of limb, a slight smile on his lips. That’s how you know he’s not a <i>real</i> sportsperson, they don’t tend to smile while they’re actually playing their sports. You wouldn’t either if you went through the same training regimen as a pro athlete.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Jonah Barrington’s Squash, Commodore 64, New Generation Software</b></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Ra8MISO4oKs/W-xuPPMKSMI/AAAAAAAAf_s/ZSPmY20JCzI73Bd9pDCQDFLxh5bUYv1igCLcBGAs/s1600/tc20.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="869" data-original-width="575" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Ra8MISO4oKs/W-xuPPMKSMI/AAAAAAAAf_s/ZSPmY20JCzI73Bd9pDCQDFLxh5bUYv1igCLcBGAs/s640/tc20.jpg" width="422" /></a></div>
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Finally for today, this alternate cover for <i>Jonah Barrington’s Squash</i> reveals the true emotion that squash brings to the surface – pure, undiluted<i> terror</i>. These men are clearly <i>very</i> frightened of what’s going on around them, the icy claw of horror scratching at their hearts as the walls of the squash court seem to press in on them. I can only assume that the winner of this match has to face Jahangir Khan next.<br />
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<b>Recently on VGJUNK:</b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/11/alley-cat-atari-800.html">Knocking stuff over and doging dogs in <i>Alley Cat! </i></a><b><br /></b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/10/splatterhouse-3-megadrive-genesis.html">Halloween season concludes with <i>Splatterhouse 3! </i></a><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/10/new-ghostbusters-ii-nes.html">Bustin' makes me feel good in <i>New Ghostbusters II!</i></a><b> </b><br />
<b> </b></div>
VGJUNKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10847169968000988460noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1129376554965074880.post-59663445691994731352018-11-06T09:42:00.000-08:002018-11-06T09:42:27.390-08:00ALLEY CAT (ATARI 800)Well, the Halloween season is over and as always it’s a bit of struggle to muster up the enthusiasm to return to writing about games that don’t include spooks or spectres or logo artwork that looks as though it was dipped in rancid cottage cheese. This time I figured I’d ease myself back in gently and bridge the gap by playing a game that stars a black cat. That’s at least<i> mildly</i> spooky, right? Hopefully today’s game will act as the Halloween equivalent of a nicotine patch, then – it’s Bill Williams and Synapse Software’s 1983 Atari 800 get-your-end-away-em-up <i>Alley Cat!</i><br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-zmktveDh-3A/W-HOSR8MMmI/AAAAAAAAf9M/j0RiceHC6tw5Fqztt2leAdRGV6Ib7b3PQCLcBGAs/s1600/ac01.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="440" data-original-width="652" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-zmktveDh-3A/W-HOSR8MMmI/AAAAAAAAf9M/j0RiceHC6tw5Fqztt2leAdRGV6Ib7b3PQCLcBGAs/s1600/ac01.png" /></a></div>
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Already the game’s trying to make a liar out of me, because that’s quite clearly a <i>ginger</i> cat. Don’t worry, it’s only orange because otherwise it wouldn’t show up on this background, it’ll be a black cat once the gameplay starts. The cat’s name is Freddy, and he’s on a mission – a mission of love, as he attempts to hook up with another cat called Felicia and get down to the kind of activities befitting of the name “alley cat.” Maybe that’s why there’s an otherwise incongruous martini glass up there, to convey that I’ll be taking Felicia for a night on the town? I have no idea otherwise.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-nVmiPus3dVU/W-HOSbPf5EI/AAAAAAAAf9Q/lMNMTSdMxBEM8758jjINr4MMAcgQN_2CgCLcBGAs/s1600/ac02.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="470" data-original-width="744" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-nVmiPus3dVU/W-HOSbPf5EI/AAAAAAAAf9Q/lMNMTSdMxBEM8758jjINr4MMAcgQN_2CgCLcBGAs/s1600/ac02.png" /></a></div>
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<i>Alley Cat</i> begins, as you might expect, in an alley. Freddy perches on a rubbish bin near the bottom of the screen, which is the best place to be while I figure out what’s going on because if you hang around at street level for too long a dog runs onto the screens and murders Freddy in a cartoon-fight-dust-cloud situation. And what <i>is</i> going on? Well, Freddy needs to jump into one of these windows when they open, because that’s where the gameplay is.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-CtScufUwy0w/W-HOSVdSCnI/AAAAAAAAf9I/InH_jlnQfREp3EsGPypgPxDds4r-3zbrQCLcBGAs/s1600/ac03.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="476" data-original-width="748" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-CtScufUwy0w/W-HOSVdSCnI/AAAAAAAAf9I/InH_jlnQfREp3EsGPypgPxDds4r-3zbrQCLcBGAs/s1600/ac03.png" /></a></div>
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To reach the higher windows, Freddy can cling onto the clothes on the washing line and clamber up that way and hey, if you’re feeling adventurous you can also try to catch some of the mice that scurry around for extra points. Unsurprisingly, the residents of this building don’t take kindly to the night-time antics of a horny, dog-fighting, clothes-shredding alley cat, so they try to shut Freddy up by throwing objects at him; objects such as rolling pins, shoes and, erm, rotary telephones? Throwing a telephone seems a bit much. Even I’m not old enough to remember how much a rotary telephone would have cost back in the day, but it can’t have been that cheap. Also, they’d be quite hard to throw accurately, what with the receiver dangling off and everything. On the plus side, if you landed a clean hit you’d probably get a satisfying “ding!” sound for your efforts. <br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-0B-3Iw6m94c/W-HOTI61K7I/AAAAAAAAf9U/bh_mq21CG7UsgTSlol9UqvLilnItY6SVwCLcBGAs/s1600/ac04.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="474" data-original-width="746" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-0B-3Iw6m94c/W-HOTI61K7I/AAAAAAAAf9U/bh_mq21CG7UsgTSlol9UqvLilnItY6SVwCLcBGAs/s1600/ac04.png" /></a></div>
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With grace, agility and a hefty dose of luck, I managed to guide Freddy through a window. The inside of the room may be sparse, but that’s definitely a fish bowl on the table and I’ve watched enough cartoons to know that, as a cat, it’s my mission to eat that fish. Jumping up to the table is easy enough, but Freddy isn’t alone. He’s constantly being chased around the screen by a furious broom. This <i>Fantasia</i> reject relentlessly harasses Freddy, smacking him around the screen, away from the fish bowl or, if you’re especially unlucky, straight back out of the window. The broom can’t kill Freddy, but it’s perfectly capable of swatting you into something that<i> is</i> fatal. The only thing that will distract the broom from it’s cat-battering mission is <i>dirt</i>. If you run around on the floor Freddy will leave mucky footprints, and the broom will stop chasing you in order to sweep them up. You can use this to your advantage, but honestly I had more luck when I ignored the broom entirely.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-l8jx8pD9wHw/W-HOTHlkzAI/AAAAAAAAf9Y/VGCPsWuxgf8_tycVXpy6pESoPs6Qw3z1gCLcBGAs/s1600/ac05.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="472" data-original-width="744" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-l8jx8pD9wHw/W-HOTHlkzAI/AAAAAAAAf9Y/VGCPsWuxgf8_tycVXpy6pESoPs6Qw3z1gCLcBGAs/s1600/ac05.png" /></a></div>
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Touching the bowl is something of a mixed blessing for Freddy. On the one hand, there’s way more than one fish for him to eat. However, the fish bowl works on Tardis principles and is much bigger on the inside. Oh, and it’s full of electric eels. That’s what the wobbly blue lines are supposed to be, so don’t swim into them because Freddy will lose a life if you do. To clear the stage, you have to “eat” all the fish by swimming into them while avoiding the eels and not drowning. I had trouble with that last part, because for some reason it didn’t occur to me to swim to the surface to get more air. My eyes were too big for Freddy’s stomach – well, Freddy’s lungs, anyway.<br />
Freddy can freely swim in any direction but he does have a lot of momentum, so taking your time and waiting for the eels to wiggle into more favourable positions seems like the best way to go.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/--Uj3JSxizS8/W-HOTnFHpRI/AAAAAAAAf9c/DSJSrXtfi00I2SkhW-37ubkU0LJV7tQTQCLcBGAs/s1600/ac06.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="474" data-original-width="742" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/--Uj3JSxizS8/W-HOTnFHpRI/AAAAAAAAf9c/DSJSrXtfi00I2SkhW-37ubkU0LJV7tQTQCLcBGAs/s1600/ac06.png" /></a></div>
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If you manage to catch all the fish and avoid a grisly end via electrocution or drowning, you’re awarded a score on this cat-o-meter. Here I’ve managed to score a respectable 36 cat-heads out of 48. Your score is determined by how quickly you finish each event and going for a high-score is what <i>Alley Cat </i>is all about, but slow and steady wins the race, you know? Also, I’m playing as a cat. Rushing around and doing things as fast as possible seems very out of character.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Bk7sjsL8ABQ/W-HOT_vI9BI/AAAAAAAAf9g/a1hEyQn4BfYZxhgTahVFEESyzartXgb1wCLcBGAs/s1600/ac07.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="472" data-original-width="744" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Bk7sjsL8ABQ/W-HOT_vI9BI/AAAAAAAAf9g/a1hEyQn4BfYZxhgTahVFEESyzartXgb1wCLcBGAs/s1600/ac07.png" /></a></div>
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Once I’d cleared an event, a special kind of window opened up, a window with the feline object of our affections sitting in it. Felicia was no doubt awed by Freddy’s ability to eat a dozen goldfish in about thirty seconds, so she’s giving him the chance to prove his love by… climbing up a series of platforms made of hearts? Reach the top level and Felicia will, ahem, reward you, but that’s easier said than done when the Cupids at the top of the screen are destroying the platforms by shooting them with their arrows. What kind of evil nega-Cupids are these that would stand between a plucky cat and his true love? But wait, some of the Cupids<i> repair</i> the platforms with their, erm, arrows? This whole situation is a theological nightmare.<br />
Not only do you have to deal with the predations of minor Roman gods, but each level of platforms is also patrolled by one of Felicia’s overprotective brothers. They’ll knock Freddy down to the level below if he touches hem, and I don’t know if it’s by design or I’m just unlucky but there always seemed to be another brother<i> right below</i> me so I’d get knocked all the way back down to the bottom. After getting bumped back down to the bottom multiple times and eventually falling off the screen entirely, I decided it was time to try some of the other events, and maybe look for a different cat to seduce while I’m at it.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-CyktNtTTSww/W-HOT6LFVrI/AAAAAAAAf9k/mrrY8NSy_wYwvP3AcLLFle9z3dJsInhRQCLcBGAs/s1600/ac08.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="470" data-original-width="744" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-CyktNtTTSww/W-HOT6LFVrI/AAAAAAAAf9k/mrrY8NSy_wYwvP3AcLLFle9z3dJsInhRQCLcBGAs/s1600/ac08.png" /></a></div>
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In this challenge we can see a bird cage perched precariously on a table. Once again, old Warner Brothers cartoons have prepared me for this, much as they taught me about the concept of hunting seasons and where<i> not</i> to buy my comically oversized bird-killing tools from. Part one of this mission involves avoiding the broom long enough to reach the bird cage and nudge it off the table so it pops open and the bird flies out.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-efq38hfx7XE/W-HOUDitZaI/AAAAAAAAf9o/gnvFVa3jb5shiFVpyZ23P_qMRNmECoD9wCLcBGAs/s1600/ac09.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="476" data-original-width="746" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-efq38hfx7XE/W-HOUDitZaI/AAAAAAAAf9o/gnvFVa3jb5shiFVpyZ23P_qMRNmECoD9wCLcBGAs/s1600/ac09.png" /></a></div>
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Of course, this now means that I have to actually <i>catch</i> the bird. There is is, perched on the curtain rail, every one of its twelve pixels taunting me as it flits about the room and I realise there’s one big problem with <i>Alley Cat</i> - I find it really difficult to control. Freddy moves quickly and likes to slide around a lot, but it’s his jumping that I had the most trouble with. He can jump fairly high from a standing start but with very little horizontal movement – to make a longer leap, you need to get a run up, which makes sense to a degree but I often found myself doing a short hop even when I thought I’d built up enough speed to make a mighty leap. Even worse, once you<i> have</i> done a long jump you lose all your momentum as soon as you land and have to build up speed again, which is the opposite of the way almost every other platformer I’ve ever played works. I’m sure I’d learn to get used to it if I played <i>Alley Cat</i> for a long enough time, but coming at it as a complete beginner meant jumping around often felt finicky and laborious.<br />
I caught the bird eventually. It would have been a faster process had I not spent a minute or so staring at that portrait on the wall. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s supposed to be professional footballer Jonjo Shelvey. Either that or someone drew a crude face on a large spoon and dressed it in a shirt.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-aa5Dg8IYGGA/W-HOUSI5bwI/AAAAAAAAf9s/Jqj2-F4HvIk3zvqF2BRnrwQfVQZnW2C-QCLcBGAs/s1600/ac10.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="476" data-original-width="740" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-aa5Dg8IYGGA/W-HOUSI5bwI/AAAAAAAAf9s/Jqj2-F4HvIk3zvqF2BRnrwQfVQZnW2C-QCLcBGAs/s1600/ac10.png" /></a></div>
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This screen is very simple, and has the most cat-like objective of them all: climb up the bookcase and knock down the vases of flowers at the top. That’s, like, Cat 101. The only danger is the threat from the deadly dangling spiders. You might have seen a cat deal with a spider before and subsequently wonder <i>why</i> the spiders are a threat, but the manual claims that this apartment belongs to someone called Nick Cromancer so those probably aren’t your friendly neighbourhood house spiders. A fun little challenge, this one, and as I say it’s the most cat-like amongst them, especially as you watch Freddy scrabbling for purchase on the bookshelf.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-I1FKaqgRQis/W-HOUmE3ckI/AAAAAAAAf9w/Gx2-akkZm1Q-Ghpy7IUWeyozi288Lyc8ACLcBGAs/s1600/ac11.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="474" data-original-width="744" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-I1FKaqgRQis/W-HOUmE3ckI/AAAAAAAAf9w/Gx2-akkZm1Q-Ghpy7IUWeyozi288Lyc8ACLcBGAs/s1600/ac11.png" /></a></div>
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This enormous cheese raises some questions. How did it fit through the apartment’s door? Where does the owner of this apartment sleep? Have they carved another, smaller apartment out of the cheese? Will we ever see the truly gargantuan fondue pot that’s presumably stored in the bedroom? All questions without answers, I’m afraid. All I know is that Freddy has to catch all the mice that are scurrying around on the cheese so really, I’m doing the insane owner of the mega-cheese a real favour here. It sucks for the mice, though. It’s like arriving in Heaven to find the Devil has followed close behind.<br />
More jumping is required to grab the mice, although those holes in the cheese aren’t just for show; pressing the fire button near one causes Freddy to scurry through the cheese tunnels and exit from a <i>different</i> hole. You can use this to sneak up on the mice, although it all felt a bit random while I was playing – I did better when I chose a cheese-hole on a whim and leapt around like I was on the proverbial hot tin roof than I did when I tried to plan my movements.<br />
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The final type of room sees Freddy trying to catch one of the projectile telephones so he can call the RSPCA and report the owner of this flat for keeping so many dogs in this cramped room. Not really, it’s time to show off Freddy’s large, resolutely un-neutered balls by sneaking into this room and drinking all the bowls of milk from under the noses of the sleeping dogs. The full bowls take longer to drink and the more time you stand in place, the more likely that a dog will wake up and tear you to shreds, so you have to be take care not to push your luck. This is the hardest event of the bunch, in my opinion, mostly because it’s hard to tell when the dogs are about to wake up. Oh, and there’s a flying carton of milk that constantly tops up the bowls you haven’t eliminated. You’d think Freddy would ignore the bowls and just stand until the infinite milk dispenser if he wants a drink, but I suppose at this point it’s a matter of pride. He is trying to impress a lady cat, after all.<br />
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Okay, time for another crack at reaching Felicia, except this time I’ve got a secret weapon, and that weapon is <i>generosity</i>. For every event you clear, you begin this stage with a gift-wrapped present at the bottom of the screen. You can only carry one at a time, but once you place it down any of Felicia’s brothers that touch it will be momentarily transfixed by Freddy’s display of magnanimity, allowing you to get past them far more easily. And that’s how I got past the cats, ascended the tower of love and thwarted the machinations of Cupid. I can’t blame Cupid, really. Those platforms are heart-shaped, and when he sees a heart he shoots an arrow into it. It’s kind of his whole deal.<br />
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Your reward is a smooch from Felicia, followed by a brief scene of them flying through the night sky in a pair of heart-shaped bubbles while fireworks explode in the background. I imagine the game’s creators felt that footage of a train going into a tunnel would be a bit too crass.<br />
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So ends <i>Alley Cat</i> – for me, at least. Once you’ve reached Felicia, you gain an extra life (up to a total of nine, naturally) and the game restarts at a higher difficulty level so you can shoot for the high score. I… won’t be doing that. It’s not that I <i>dislike Alley Cat,</i> I just didn’t find it all that much fun to play thanks to the fussy controls, especially when jumping, and trying to get into the windows to start one of the challenges is more frustrating than it needs to be. I’m sure most of my issues with the controls would be smoothed out with more practise, but I don’t fancy spending more time with <i>Alley Cat</i> even given the positives of the game – the animations are tiny but still smooth and full of character, with Freddy’s movements especially capturing a very cat-like essence. Plus it’s just weird, which I like. Giant cheeses? Multi-dimensional fish bowls? Someone who calls themselves Nick Cromancer and is presumably sitting somewhere smugly thinking that the Papal Inquisitor Squad will <i>never</i> find him now? I can’t argue with that. You had your moments, <i>Alley Cat</i>, so let’s leave it at that. Okay, this time I really am going to take a break.<br />
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<b>Recently on VGJUNK:</b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/10/splatterhouse-3-megadrive-genesis.html">Halloween season concludes with <i>Splatterhouse 3! </i></a><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/10/new-ghostbusters-ii-nes.html">Bustin' makes me feel good in <i>New Ghostbusters II!</i></a><b> </b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/10/vampire-killer-zx-spectrum.html">Deadly Dracula doors in <i>Vampire Killer!</i></a><b><br /></b><br />
<b> </b></div>
VGJUNKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10847169968000988460noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1129376554965074880.post-66453686867174797732018-10-31T12:05:00.000-07:002018-10-31T12:05:01.341-07:00SPLATTERHOUSE 3 (MEGADRIVE / GENESIS)The day is upon us at last. The pumpkins are carved, the
horror movie marathon is queued up, the sweets that the
trick-or-treaters didn’t claim are rapidly disappearing into my fat
face. I'll be more Haribo than man by the end of the night. Happy
Halloween, everybody! I hope you’re having a fun time if you’re a fan of
the spooky season, and if you’re <i>not </i>then I hope your house
remains un-egged. To close out the 2018 VGJunk Halloween Spooktacular,
I’ve got one last glob of gruesome videogaming with a tale of unholy
forces, exploding corpses and a guy named Rick who really needs to start
wearing some goddamn shoes – it’s Now Production and Namco’s 1993
Megadrive terrifying-cleaning-bill-em-up <i>Splatterhouse 3!</i><br />
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I’d imagine most people reading this already know the basics of the <i>Splatterhouse </i>saga, but here’s a quick recap anyway. In the original arcade game, Rick Taylor and his girlfriend Jennifer show some truly abysmal decision-making skills when they take shelter from a storm in a creepy mansion known as the Splatterhouse. “Getting a bit wet” would have been a much better outcome, but in they go, whereupon Rick is attacked by monsters and Jennifer is abducted. Rick is awakened by the Terror Mask, an ancient artefact that attaches to Rick’s face and transforms him into brutal monster-slaying madman with the body of two pro wrestlers sharing one set of skin and a mask which that makes him look like Jason Voorhees. Rick fights through the house, Jennifer becomes a monster and dies and the Terror Mask uses its evil power to summon a big monster because of course it does. It’s called<i> the Terror Mask</i>. It was never going to spearhead a new recycling initiative or open a cat shelter.<br />
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In<i> Splatterhouse 2</i>, the mask re-appears and tells Rick that if he goes back to the house, he can save Jennifer. Being the trusting sort that he is, Rick teams up with the mask once again and punches his way through yet another cavalcade of monsters that look like overgrown medical samples from an ear, nose and throat ward. It all works out in the end, though, and Rick and Jennifer are reunited and they go off to live happily until the developers decided there was money in a new <i>Splatterhouse</i> game.<br />
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There’s Rick now, peeking out from behind the <i>Splatterhouse 3</i> logo during the intro. Don’t worry, we’ll be seeing plenty of him soon enough. So, <i>Splatterhouse 3</i> has a story too, but I’m still a bit fuzzy about how it all fits together. The game itself takes a very cinematic approach to cutscenes, but for whatever reason there’s no in-game explanation for what’s happening. The manual has a bit more info – it tells us that years have passed, during which time Rick married Jennifer, they had a son named David and Rick got a job on Wall Street which makes sense because he’s used to dealing with vicious psychopaths, boom boom. Then there’s something about the Evil One, a malevolent force that rises from the abyss and attacks Rick’s mansion home. This allows the Terror Mask to wheedle its way back into Rick’s mind, and because Rick needs the mask’s power to punch all the monsters into chunky red paste they team up one more time. I think that’s how it goes, anyway. I suppose it’s not really important. I should probably, you know, play the game.<br />
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This iteration of the Terror Mask has received another new look, with a skull-like shape that’s definitely not a hockey mask and therefore safe from lawyers acting on behalf of the <i>Friday the 13th</i> franchise. Before the action start, the mask offers Rick a few tips, namely that he shouldn’t dawdle and that he can collect special “power stones” that’ll make Rick’s flesh expand with a surge of power. Based on that description I presume the “power stones” are fake Chinese Viagra.<br />
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And now the pummelling begins. Like previous games in the series, <i>Splatterhouse 3 </i>is a side-scrolling beat-em-up at heart, although the prequels were fixed to a single plane of action whereas <i>Splatterhouse 3 </i>allows you to move between the fore- and background in the manner of games like Final Fight. Combat also adopts the “classic” beat-em-up formula, with an attack button that can dish out a combo of punches upon repeated presses, grab attacks initiated by walking into monsters and then either headbutting them or slinging them across the room, plus a jump button for the always-welcome flying kicks. It’s a familiar toolset, so you should have no trouble getting through these early rooms filled with headless zombies. A headless zombie is kind of a genius concept, really – without a head, the zombie doesn’t have a weak point!<br />
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While <i>Splatterhouse 3</i> does have stages – the first stage encompasses the mansion’s ground floor, for example – each stage is split into small rooms rather than being one continuous path from start to finish. Once you’ve cleared a room, you can bring up the map to see the pathways available to you. The X marks the stage’s boss, the white doors are one-way paths and the yellow doors are shortcuts. Rick’s position is, of course, marked by that adorable little Terror Mask icon. The optimal route to the boss might seem obvious, but because each room has its own combination of monstrous inhabitants it’s sometimes faster to take a slightly longer route to avoid especially demon-infested rooms. And you <i>do</i> need to be fast.<br />
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We’ve got to hurry and rescue Jennifer, who is currently hiding from the monsters. <i>Splatterhouse 3</i> tells its story through these cinematic intermission screens that use digitised footage of real live actors. This means that someone had to dress as Rick, complete with a prop Terror Mask and I would <i>love</i> to see some behind-the-scenes footage of that process. Unfortunately none seems to exist, and who knows what happened to the Terror Mask prop? We can only hope that someone had the foresight to brick it up behind the walls of an old house so that future renovators get a real surprise.<br />
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Speaking of renovations, I hope that the Evil One’s influence has warped the very nature of the mansion because otherwise Rick and Jennifer are not raising their child in a pleasant environment. Plaster crumbles from the walls, rotten floorboards crack and splinter and rather than having a nice carpet in the lounge they went with “flagstones from a mouldering crypt” as a flooring choice. I understand that any time you buy a big old house it’s going to be something of a fixer-upper, but when your home looks like the set from an <i>Evil Dead</i> movie it’s time to get professional decorators in. And possibly an exorcist.<br />
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Like the other games in the series, <i>S3</i> also has weapons you can pick up and use. They’re few and far between and there are no shotguns in this one, but who can argue with the brutal simplicity of hurling a breezeblock into a monster’s face? These zombies can’t, on account of them not having heads and also having a breezeblock where their heads should be. You can also find more traditional melee weapons like a piece of lumber and a machete, and those are more practical than the brick because you hold on to them rather than throwing them. The concrete bricks are especially difficult to use because if you drop a weapon on the floor, a ghostly head will fly onto the screen and steal it. At least someone’s cleaning up around here.<br />
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As time passes, we’re treated to what is one of my favourite little horror moments in videogaming, as Jennifer begins to smell of rot of the grave. It’s such a strange, sinister phrase that manages to convey a real sense of encroaching dread – imagine how terrifying it’d be if you suddenly realised you were decomposing because you began to smell like a rotting corpse. Yikes.<br />
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In an effort to reach Jennifer more quickly, I unleashed Rick’s ultimate technique – by collecting magic orbs you can fill your power bar and then use that power to transform Rick into a form that somehow manages to be even larger and more muscular than regular Rick. The Terror Mask also fuses with Rick’s flesh, which I’m sure would be very painful as well as causing the same problems with neck movement that you see in Tim Burton’s <i>Batman</i> movies.<br />
While you’re monster Rick, your attacks do more damage and you <i>take</i> less damage, which I’m sure is what you’d expect to happen. Your moveset changes slightly, too, but for the most part it’s a straight power upgrade; although piling on an extra three hundred pounds of raw muscle unsurprisingly makes Rick move more slowly. It’s a power than can be useful in a pinch, but you’ve got to be careful where you use it because once you clear a room as Monster Rick you lose all your power and revert to normal. Save it for the boss battles, and speaking of which…<br />
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Here’s the first boss of the game, an almost child-like mass of rubbery flesh with a ravenous maw and suppurating wounds where its eyes should be. Yep, sounds like a<i> Splatterhouse</i> boss to me. The boss is angry because I interrupted its dinner; when you arrive in the boss room it’s happily chowing down on a pile of corpses. Whose corpses? I haven’t got a clue, but there are plenty of them. Perhaps Rick employed large staff of maids and butlers, or maybe the monster brought the corpses with it as a packed lunch. There’s a busy day of carnage ahead and all the cafeteria serves is cold goat entrails, so he asked his monster spouse to make up a lunchbox. There’s a little note inside that says “Give them “Hell” honey!! XXX.” That’s the story I’m sticking with.<br />
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Phase one of the fight sees the boss doing little besides annoyingly hopping around just out of arm’s reach and occasionally trying to crash into Rick, but after taking enough damage its head falls off. Normally this would be a good thing for Rick, but in this case it just means the monster can now extend a huge bloody arm from its guts and claw at you. I love that you can still see the monster’s tongue flapping around where its jaw used to be.<br />
It’s still a fairly simple boss even once transformed into a reverse sock puppet, and eventually I emerged triumphant. However, you might notice that the timer at the top of the screen has run out.<br />
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I was too slow, and now Jennifer is dead. I’m probably projecting, but I think the live-action Terror Mask does a really good job of capturing a look of both cold resignation and quiet anger. The mask encourages Rick to use his rage against the monsters, but what if I <i>did </i>manage to clear the stage before the time ran out?<br />
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In that case, Jennifer is still alive when Rick reaches her – however, she’s been infected with a horrible creature called a boreworm that’s eating her from the inside and the only way to stop it is to kill the <i>giant </i>boreworm. That’s… better than being dead? I think?<br />
What this means is that <i>Splatterhouse 3 </i>has multiple different story paths you can take, with each step determined by whether you clear the stage within the time limit or not. There are even four separate endings, depending on who lives and who dies. It’s a fun feature that provides for more potential replayability than a lot of other games of this type and vintage, and I’m excited to see more of these cutscenes but everything being tied to strict time limits does have its downsides.<br />
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Stage two encompasses the second floor of the mansion, and as Rick begins his mission to find the giant boreworm I can reveal to you Rick’s true power. You might think being able transform into Goth Incredible Hulk was his ultimate attack, but you’re much better served by using Rick’s spinning kick attack. Activated by hitting away, towards and attack, it causes Rick to spin around multiple times with his foot outstretched, clobbering any monsters that dares to enter even the vague vicinity. It feels like your traditional beat-em-up “desperation” attack, and indeed in the Japanese version of the game it’s activated by pressing jump and attack together, but it doesn’t drain your health and it’s more powerful than even a full combo string. If you want to get anywhere in <i>S3</i>, learning to reliably activate the spin-kick is absolutely mandatory.<br />
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Rick Taylor: husband, father, occasional possession victim, collector of antique Swiss clocks. He’s a multifaceted kinda guy, is Rick. I just wish he’d put on some goddamn shoes. I’ve mentioned this before but for whatever reason I find Rick’s constant barefootedness to be <i>deeply </i>unsettling. If he’s not walking on cold stone floors or through rooms warped into pulsating masses of unidentifiable flesh, he’s ramming his feet down monsters’ throats. For god’s sake, man, invest in some study work boots or something. Hell, wrapping a carrier bag around each foot would be better than nothing.<br />
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The boss of the first stage reappears as a regular enemy. Normally I’d be a little annoyed that the recycling has begun already, but it’s such a fun monster design that I don’t really mind. Plus this version of the monster has much less health and now Rick has a giant cleaver, so the playing field is both more even and very messy. Monsters have special animations if you kill them with weapons such as being cleft mostly in twain by the cleaver, and honestly <i>Splatterhouse 3</i> is packing in so many horrible details that I can’t help but love it.<br />
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At the end of the stage, in a room covered in the aforementioned pulsating flesh and decorative wall hearts, the giant boreworm waits. It begins the fight by throwing lots of tiny boreworms at you that I had real trouble avoiding. In the end I stopped <i>trying</i> to avoid them just so I could get closer to the boss. The boreworm likes to jump around a lot, occasionally spitting more worms, and it also has the rather annoying power to block your punches.<br />
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Still, it can’t block <i>grabs</i>, and after enough headbutts the top half of the boreworm explodes into a writhing mass of maggots. After this transformation, the boreworm spends most of the battle propelling itself along the floor like some demented living mop. The best part of this fight is that the boreworm is constantly giggling to itself. I’ve always thought that the <i>Splatterhouse</i> games were more style than substance, but as I fight a laughing, maggot-faced worm monster in a room made of meat I must confess that said style is <i>fantastic</i>.<br />
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Mission accomplished; Jennifer remains undigested and we leave her here to recuperate while we complete the rest of the game. If you don’t make it in time the boreworm eats Jennifer’s brain and she becomes a “mindless beast,” so we’re definitely on track for the good ending now.<br />
With Jennifer rescued, Rick turns his attention to his son, David, who is also hiding somewhere in the house. David’s survival is tied to, you guessed it, a time limit, so we’d better get a shift on.<br />
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Pictured above: Rick getting clonked in the jaw by a haunted lamp. A bit of poltergeist activity makes a nice change of pace, although after all the grotesque beasts we’ve already faced it’s hard to be scared of a book. It must be Michael Owen’s autobiography or something.<br />
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Spooky furniture aside, the combat is much the same as before. Rick controls quite well, and while his movements can feel a bit heavy with a fair amount of inertia when you’re trying to change directions, it doesn’t hamper the action much and even gives Rick a satisfying sense of solidity. Hit detection is good and quite generous, especially when trying to gather multiple monsters together so you can hit them all at once, and each attack has it’s uses – flying kick knock enemies down quickly, throws can buy you some breathing space, that sort of thing. However, there is one major issue with the combat: the spinning kick is<i> too </i>good. In almost every situation it is vastly superior to your normal moves, because it hits all around you, does tons of damage <i>and</i> you’re invincible while performing it. This is only true of the American version of the game, by the way, because the spinning kick is far weaker in the Japanese version and is mostly used for crowd control. But this <i>is </i>the US version, so having Rick constantly pirouetting things to death like a ballerina with anger management issues is really the only way to go.<br />
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Don’t worry, David, daddy’s coming! He’s very dizzy, but he’s on his way!<br />
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This stage’s boss fight is great, and if you ever wanted to see a masked maniac stick the nut on a huge teddy bear then you have serious issues but hey, <i>Splatterhouse 3</i> has you covered. Perhaps unsurprisingly the teddy bear isn’t much of a threat at first, what with it being a cuddly toy and all. A cuddly toy inhabited by an evil spirit, sure, but it doesn’t attack much and even if it did hit you it seems unlikely to cause much damage.<br />
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Eventually the inevitable happens and the bear erupts into a twisted blob of bloody flesh and razor sharp claws. It uses those claws to taunt you with a “bring it on” gesture and boy, the bosses in this game really do have a lot of character. The boss’ bravado is misplaced, however, because all it really does is charge at Rick so you can stand there and let it run right into your spinning kicks. It might block the first one or two but Rick will keep on spinnin’ and land a hit eventually. Then the teddy bear monster explodes, because that’s what monsters do.<br />
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But alas, even though I beat the time limit David is nowhere to be seen, and the monster in his bedroom was merely a distraction. The good news is that David is still alive. The <i>bad</i> news is that the monsters have taken him because the Evil One needs a psychic child to serve as a sacrifice that will release the Demon Stone and whaddya know, David is psychic, apparently. I guess some of the Terror Mask’s power found its way into Rick’s, erm, gametes. There’s a difficult conversation with Jennifer waiting for Rick once all this is over.<br />
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The game says stage four takes place in the mansion’s basement, but that is quite obviously an open sewer. That can’t up to building codes, can it? Did Rick build this mansion himself, using the Terror Mask’s fearsome power to dig an uncovered drainage channel? Frankly I’m impressed that a game set entirely within a house still managed to contain a sewer level.<br />
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Rick also has a very well-appointed wine cellar, which does mean he’ll be able to drink to forget afterwards. No wonder he can afford all this wine, what with not paying building inspectors or buying shoes.<br />
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The excellent monster designs continue with these sack-wearing ghouls that hover ominously until they decide to attack with the big monster arm they’re hiding under their cloaks. You can’t go wrong with the “one eyehole in a sack” monster design, and between that and their lumpy red flesh I can’t help but wonder whether they’re related to the original<i> Splatterhouse</i>’s chainsaw-handed Biggy Man boss. Once you’ve hit them enough their cloaks fall off to reveal the very Deadite-like heads beneath, although getting to that point can be a struggle because these monsters can become immune to your attacks on a whim, an especially annoying trait when you’re trying to kill them as quickly as possible. I think it’s fair to say I have mixed feelings about these cool-looking bastards.<br />
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The stage’s boss starts out as an embryo that knows how to punch. Thinking to myself “I’m not going to lose a fist-fight to a foetus,” I sent Rick wading in there. Then the boss electrocuted me. Okay, fine, you win this round.<br />
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Of course, it didn’t take long for the boss to transform – or hatch, in this case – so now there’s another malformed hellspawn for you to repeatedly spin-kick back to the underworld. Definitely less endearing than the other bosses, this one, perhaps a touch nondescript, and like the teddy bear boss it’s more than willing to run right into your foot repeatedly, so keep spinning like you’re trying to drill your way to China using nothing but your disturbingly bare feet.<br />
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Phew, David’s okay, and remarkably unfazed by seeing his father transformed into a hulking brute wearing a skull mask. I suppose he already knew what was going on. Because he’s psychic, you see.<br />
With David and Jennifer both saved, the family-rescuing aspect of the game comes to a close and we’re assured of the good ending… assuming we can vanquish the horrors that still remain. <br />
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Even though David was rescued, the ritual got far enough along to free the.. Demon Stone? Evil One? I’m having a hard time keeping track of what’s going on at this point. We don’t appear to be in Rick’s house any more, either. H.R. Giger’s house, maybe, but not Rick’s. Oh well, so long as there are monsters to punch the path to victory will be fairly straightforward, and despite being late in the game this stage is something of a relief because there are no time limits to worry about.<br />
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Considering how viciously difficult the earlier games in the series were, <i>Splatterhouse 3</i> is surprisingly fair on the straightforward “kill the monsters and don’t die” side of things. You’ve got a decently-sized health bar, the spinning kick is very powerful and having an extra plane of movement means that attacks are a lot easier to avoid that they were in the single-plane prequels. Most of the game’s challenge does come from beating the time limits, and it can be really tough to save everyone, requiring multiple playthroughs to learn the fastest, safest routes. It’s an unusual balancing act and I’m not normally a fan of games with meaningful time limits, but in <i>S3</i>’s case it adds enough to the game that I’m glad of its inclusion.<br />
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Now that I’ve said the game wasn’t as difficult as I expected, it’s time for some hubristic punishment in the form of this stage’s boss. It’s the Evil One, and you might recognise him from <i>Splatterhouse 2</i>, where a giant version chased Rick during the latter potion of the game. The Evil One is smaller here but no less deadly, and the real challenge is getting close enough to it to land any hits. Not only will the boss fly away as soon as you get near, but it can also fire exploding orbs at you that knock off a big chunk of your health. I’m sure there’s a specific pattern to its movements and grabs seemed to be the most effective attacks, so manipulating it into grabbing range is probably the way to go, but I found this fight extremely hard. It’s not even very interesting visually. I didn’t like fighting buff, naked bald guys when they were the villain of <i>Street Fighter IV</i> and I don’t like it now<br />
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After many, many deaths and the application of a cheat code for infinite lives (hey, I want this article out on Halloween) Rick finally emerges victorious. Things are looking up for our hero – the Evil One is defeated, his wife and son are safe and the Terror Mask didn’t try to betray him this time!<br />
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Oh. I ask you, if you can’t trust ancient evil artefacts called the Terror Mask, who can you trust? Defeating the Evil One has left a power vacuum that the Terror Mask is more than happy to slide into, but Rick’s not about to let that happen. Not while I’ve still got that infinite lives cheat active.<br />
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And thus you find yourself fighting the Terror Mask’s physical form, or at least the top half. After the nightmare I had with the previous boss I’m pleased to say that the Terror Mask’s first form isn’t too hard to deal with. The trick is to try to stay close, because otherwise it’ll keep shooting pillars of fire at you. Get in close, try to land a hit just as it starts attacking and don’t get too greedy and the first stage shouldn’t be too much of a problem.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-E6BCiIFguqo/W9n5FthcbXI/AAAAAAAAf8E/jv0B2V7_oCs1p1bxn7_kM51PfPWQ8XksACLcBGAs/s1600/sp40.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-E6BCiIFguqo/W9n5FthcbXI/AAAAAAAAf8E/jv0B2V7_oCs1p1bxn7_kM51PfPWQ8XksACLcBGAs/s1600/sp40.gif" /></a></div>
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The second phase kicks things up a notch. The mask consolidates itself into a mask and one very large meatball. A deadly meatball that once again tries to beat Rick through manoeuvrability rather than sheer power, teleporting away when you get close and launching a barrage of bone skewers at you. When you do land an attack, the mask responds by summoning another, ghostly mask that chases you around the screen for a while. When I say “a while” I actually mean “bloody ages,” to the point that you really shouldn’t damage the boss when it’s in the centre of the screen because then you won’t have enough <i>space</i> to run away from the ghost-mask.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-0XSMVkRmNto/W9n5Fzy1doI/AAAAAAAAf8I/e8A94P7NUt4bOaBLhTnbSeJBvcqWBRKnwCLcBGAs/s1600/sp41.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-0XSMVkRmNto/W9n5Fzy1doI/AAAAAAAAf8I/e8A94P7NUt4bOaBLhTnbSeJBvcqWBRKnwCLcBGAs/s1600/sp41.gif" /></a></div>
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Fighting the Terror Mask raises some questions: namely, how is Rick still wearing the mask? And why does the mask still resurrect Rick when he dies? There are no fewer than four Terror Masks in the screenshot above. That’s <i>too many Terror Masks.</i> Perhaps it’s intended to highlight the arrogance of the Terror Mask, destroyed by a weapon that it created. Or maybe the developers thought “who cares, it’s a game about not-Jason Voorhees beating monsters to death.” Either way, with enough perseverance the Terror Mask will, in essence, punch itself to death.<br />
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Hoisted by your own veiny, bulging petard, huh? That’s the end of the Terror Mask, his plan to take over the world by manipulating someone who’s good at killing evil demigods having backfired spectacularly.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zK_Aidw5tEs/W9n5GJMvnSI/AAAAAAAAf8Q/HadCc0TL32MCocXdtuf646VMLS2HJvS4QCLcBGAs/s1600/sp43.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="640" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zK_Aidw5tEs/W9n5GJMvnSI/AAAAAAAAf8Q/HadCc0TL32MCocXdtuf646VMLS2HJvS4QCLcBGAs/s1600/sp43.gif" /></a></div>
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Rick returns to his family, or at least he does in the good ending. The others are variations depending on who survives. If<i> no-one</i> survives, you get a scene with Rick reflecting on the loss of his family and his crushing loneliness… immediately followed by a message reading “Congratulations!” I’ve got to say, that feels like a bit of a kick in the teeth.<br />
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You know, I think <i>Splatterhouse 3</i> might be my favourite <i>Splatterhouse</i> game – my favourite to actually play, anyway. The graphics, music and overall atmosphere of <i>Splatterhouse 2</i> are very difficult to top, but the difficulty does kinda wear me down whenever I play it. I’m bad at games and I’m<i> really</i> bad at difficult games, so <i>Splatterhouse 3</i>’s less brutal gameplay definitely holds my attention better. And it’s not like <i>Splatterhouse 3</i> is without atmosphere, because it looks great. Perhaps style over substance, as I said earlier, but god damn what a <i>great </i>style. Excellent enemy designs, copious amounts of cartoonish gore, unpleasantly slimy environments where no barefoot man should dare to tread – it is absolutely a VGJunk kinda game.<br />
A couple of boss battles aside it plays nicely too, especially if you don’t care what ending you get so you can take your time. There’s little truly special about the core gameplay, but it handles well even if the spinning kick does become a bit of a crutch, and Rick’s monster form is a nice touch. The monster form’s version of the spinning kick makes Rick shoot disgusting tendrils of flesh out of his torso, so yes, I can definitely recommend<i> Splatterhouse 3.</i><br />
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For the final Halloween-O-Meter score of the season, there’s no way I could give <i>Splatterhouse 3</i> anything but top marks. It’s basically a slasher film that you’re in control of, everything explodes in gouts of blood like a terrible accident at the black pudding factory and there’s a demoniacally-possessed teddy bear. The Halloween-O-Meter might be a fickle thing, but <i>Splatterhouse 3 </i>offers a good calibration point for a ten out of ten even if it <i>doesn’t</i> have any pumpkins in it.<br />
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Well, that’s the end of this year’s Halloween Spooktacular. I hope you’ve all enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed putting it together – well, apart from when I was playing <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/10/vampire-killer-zx-spectrum.html"><i>Vampire Killer</i></a>, that was not fun. Seeing people say that they were excited to see the Spooktacular return definitely gave me the strength to keep ploughing on through, so thanks for that. VGJunk will return soon enough, but I might take a short break. Thanks for reading, and until then remember this – it’s always Halloween if you’re willing gorge on fun-sized Mars bars and listen to Dokken’s <i>Dream Warriors</i> on a loop.<br />
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<b>Recently on VGJUNK:</b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/10/new-ghostbusters-ii-nes.html">Bustin' makes me feel good in <i>New Ghostbusters II!</i></a><b> </b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/10/vampire-killer-zx-spectrum.html">Deadly Dracula doors in <i>Vampire Killer!</i></a><b><br /></b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/10/all-hallows-rise-of-pumpkin-zx-spectrum.html">Brand-new ZX Spectrum pumpkin-em-up <i>All Hallows!</i></a><b> </b><br />
<b> </b></div>
VGJUNKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10847169968000988460noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1129376554965074880.post-77242201471603332192018-10-25T10:38:00.001-07:002018-10-25T10:38:39.340-07:00NEW GHOSTBUSTERS II (NES)In the past, I have made reference to my youthful obsession with <i>Ghostbusters</i>, an obsession I think you could accurately describe as “all-encompassing” and which left an immutable psychic scar because I never owned the firehouse play set. I had the toys, the book, the VHS tapes, I asked for red glasses so I could look like the cartoon version of Egon and my first ever crush was on cartoon Janine. Too much information? Probably. Yet somehow, in the period when my twin obsessions were <i>Ghostbusters</i> and the NES, I managed to completely miss out on today’s game. Developed by HAL Labs and released in 1990, it’s <i>New Ghostbusters II!</i><br />
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Here are some Ghostbusters now, as Peter, Egon and Winston chase Slimer out of a cinema screen because it can’t be the Ghostbusters if they’re not causing significant property damage while busting ghosts.<br />
These aren’t new Ghostbusters, of course. They’re old Ghostbusters. The game’s called <i>New Ghostbusters II</i> because there was already an NES game based on <i>Ghostbusters II</i>, developed by Imagineering. The Imagineering version is a pretty terrible game that I wouldn’t recommend to even the most hardcore <i>Ghostbusters</i> fan, because it’s an overly-difficult slog with tedious driving sections. <i>New Ghostbusters II</i> is a completely different beast, as we shall see. For once it was European console owners who got the better deal, because <i>New Ghostbusters II</i> was never released in the US, presumably due to licensing issues. Naturally it was also released in Japan, being developed by HAL, (a Japanese company,) and I’m looking forward to seeing a Japanese take on what is a very American film franchise. I’m sure I wouldn’t be the first person to point out that <i>Ghostbusters</i> is about a business that becomes successful by flouting health and safety regulations, mocking due legal process and monopolising their industry, after all.<br />
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Before the action begins, you must select two Ghostbusters to play as. You can even play as the Ghostbusters’ accountant / lawyer Louis Tully, which I imagine marks the first time I’ve ever had the chance to play as Rick Moranis in a videogame. I’ll be going with Egon and Ray for this playthrough, because they feel like the two most Ghostbuster-y characters to me. Plus Egon’s my favourite.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-H9rrU3kjWkw/W9H-AGz9t4I/AAAAAAAAf3Q/jWI9KJs7nUYxV6e5FG96qB4tp_5Fu5VzgCLcBGAs/s1600/gb03.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="496" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-H9rrU3kjWkw/W9H-AGz9t4I/AAAAAAAAf3Q/jWI9KJs7nUYxV6e5FG96qB4tp_5Fu5VzgCLcBGAs/s1600/gb03.png" /></a></div>
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The game wastes no time in breaking out the spooks, beginning with good ol’ Slimer – a floating, unthreatening target on which to practise your busting skills.<i> NG2</i> has an unusual set-up where you have two characters but only control one of them directly, in this case Egon. You move around with the d-pad until you see a ghost, at which point you press the A button to fire your proton beam. If you hit the ghost they’ll be stunned so long as you hold the beam on them, at which point you can press the B button to make your CPU-controlled partner throw out a trap to capture the ghost. Your partner will follow you around fairly closely and make their way to a good trapping position once you’ve got a ghost in your beam… for the most part. Ray's definitely more reliable than I expected him to be, though.<br />
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As far as the core gameplay goes, that’s about it. Zap ‘em and trap ‘em, nice and easy. Each stage is split into a series of rooms, and eliminating all the ghosts in a room opens up the next, complete with a big on-screen arrow telling you where to go next. Let’s pretend the arrow represents the PKE Meter tracking ectoplasmic activity throughout this… wait, where <i>are</i> we?<br />
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With all the offices and scattered paperwork, it appears that <i>New Ghostbusters II</i> begins at around the end of the movie’s first act, when the courthouse is attacked by ghosts thanks to the emotion-manipulating pink slime. Perhaps that’s why there are so many Slimers about; slime sticks together. There are plenty of other ghosts here too, though, including the jogging ghost from the movie, pink blobs that split into even smaller pink blobs when zapped, spectral snakes that pop out of bathtubs and <i>chainsaw maniacs.</i><br />
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There’s a chainsaw maniac now, with its chainsaw and its face that’s kind of difficult to interpret. Is it wearing a baseball catcher’s mask, for a Jason Voorhees riff? Possibly, although thanks to my over-consumption of horror movies I keep seeing it as the Chatterer cenobite from <i>Hellraiser</i>. Not that the Chatterer ever used a chainsaw. I don’t think Pinhead would stand for one of his crew torturing people with something so gauche as a chainsaw, he’d have a big speech about how it lacks the brutal elegance of chains with hooks on the end.<br />
It’s been easy going thus far, but I should mention that you don’t have any kind of health bar in this game. One hit and you lose a life, although thankfully your CPU partner is invulnerable. This means that you should try to be careful, and my top tip for doing that is that you can catch ghosts through walls, so use that to your advantage whenever possible.<br />
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Things get more difficult when projectiles are involved, such as in this room full of Slimers that chuck food at you. For whatever reason these lethal projectile pineapples cannot be stopped by blasting them with a highly-concentrated, nuclear-powered proton beam, so you’ll have to dodge them. Fortunately your chosen Buster handles well, with sharp, precise controls, although the perspective can sometimes make it difficult to tell if an attack is going to hit you even though it looks like it should pass “above” you.<br />
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Having cleared the building you arrive at the courtroom itself, where the jar of pink slime explodes and releases the game’s first boss – the Scoleri Brothers! A pair of murderers given the electric chair, they’re freed from Hell to enact their sinister plan of running around the screen in predictable patterns. Yeah, they’re not the most menacing pair. The difficulty comes from having to hold your beam on them for a little while before they turn pink and trappable, but you can move around while you’re zapping a ghost and your remain “tethered” to it up to a certain distance so you can still avoid the other brother.<br />
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Onwards to stage two, which takes place during the Ghostbusters' exploration of New York’s abandoned subway tunnels. It’s also where the ghosts of all the Mets that Mega Man ever destroyed have ended up. They’re happily working away down here with their pickaxes and pneumatic drills until you bust them. I’m sure they were working on something evil. I assume they were trying to cause as much pubic transport disruption as possible, driving ordinary people to contemplate all manner of terrible acts as they’re crushed against someone who hasn’t bathed in three weeks while their train is stuck in a siding – a diabolical plan indeed.<br />
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You can’t have small train tracks in a videogame without mine carts, can you? If an alien civilisation learned of Earth solely through videogames they’d have to assume that mine carts are a fundamental aspect of an Earthling’s everyday life, along with opening chests and killing each other. Uh, scratch that last one.<br />
So yeah, mine carts that’ll kill you if they crash into you. You still have to bust the ghosts inside, of course, but you can hold out your beam as they pass and let them ride into it. This stage represents a good step up from the first, with the same basic gameplay that’s spiced up by having to pay attention to where you’re standing. It feels like an organic addition to the complexity of the game and is definitely preferably to the game simply dumping more ghosts on you, or bigger ghosts, or ghosts with guns.<br />
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Sadly this stage does suffer from being a bit dull to look at. Ninety-five percent of the stage is the same orange bricks and mine cart tracks patrolled by undead construction workers. I’d be more critical of it if I wasn’t having so much fun with the gameplay, but it could definitely use a bit of sprucing up. At least chuck in a bit of graffiti or something, maybe a giant albino alligator that was flushed down the sewers and grew to an enormous size beneath the city. This<i> is</i> New York, after all.<br />
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The final few screens take place aboard a train where you’re attacked by ghostly severed heads. I certainly hope they’re ghosts, anyway. If not, I think the Ghostbusters should also be keeping an eye out for Herbert West.<br />
Right at the very end of the train is Slimer, except now he’s a locomotive engineer with a little hat and everything, and it is <i>adorable</i>. Less adorable when Slimer fired a spread-shot of projectiles that immediately killed Egon with no warning, but still a lovely sight to see. Then I blasted the old onionhead. I felt a little bad about it, but not bad enough to prevent me from seeing the rest of the game.<br />
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Stage three takes place in Peter Venkman’s apartment building, where he let Sigourney Weaver stay after an evil force tried to kidnap her baby. Unfortunately the lifts aren’t working, so you have to work your way up from the ground floor, trapping a ton of ghosts as you go because Peter apparently lives in the most haunted building in America. Common spooks in this stage include pink blobs, strange winged things that look like Cupid fell asleep on a tanning bed and, for some reason, ninja ghosts. I want to know how the spirits of an entire ninja clan ended up bound to the earthly confines of a New York apartment building, although as I type this I realise I already know the answer – this must be the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ doing. “Ghostbusters meet Turtles” is a crossover event that, had I read it as a child, would probably have killed me through<i> raw excitement.</i> A couple of years ago there<i> was</i> a <i>Ghostbusters / Turtles</i> crossover comic, but I can’t bring myself to read it. I know it won’t live up to my childhood fantasy of the Turtles meeting Zuul and thinking of Shredder so they have to fight a giant Shredder and then the Ghostbusters arrive in the Statue of Liberty and they fight and <i>it is the best</i>. Ahem.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GMqaO2RmzIU/W9H-CYNPM9I/AAAAAAAAf38/kmTcet_4EBw2K750RNExeJTTFVK9wfoOACLcBGAs/s1600/gb14.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="496" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GMqaO2RmzIU/W9H-CYNPM9I/AAAAAAAAf38/kmTcet_4EBw2K750RNExeJTTFVK9wfoOACLcBGAs/s1600/gb14.png" /></a></div>
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The apartment building has minibosses at the end of each floor in the form of these flail-wielding cyclopses. A menacing sight at first, you’ll soon learn that they can only attack directly downwards so once you’ve gotten around the side of them they’re completely helpless.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-gzQYnK18GCE/W9H-Cl7a5TI/AAAAAAAAf4E/dMi2l6DvhJwoBunz5RYA8byIp83vy9yNQCLcBGAs/s1600/gb15.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="496" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-gzQYnK18GCE/W9H-Cl7a5TI/AAAAAAAAf4E/dMi2l6DvhJwoBunz5RYA8byIp83vy9yNQCLcBGAs/s1600/gb15.png" /></a></div>
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Much like the previous stage, this area does suffer from repetitiveness - a feeling exacerbated by it being about three times longer than the previous stage. You move through the very similar looking rooms, fight a couple of cyclopses, repeat – and I repeated it for long enough that I was worried I was missing something, that I needed to do something special to break the cycle in a <i>Zelda</i>-Lost-Woods kind of deal. But no, you just have to keep plugging away until you reach the end of the stage.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ENEtjQX9U7A/W9H-CjZ_tbI/AAAAAAAAf4A/dH_3HmrC6DEeNrPixJtyJjLQPSigfa95QCLcBGAs/s1600/gb16.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="496" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ENEtjQX9U7A/W9H-CjZ_tbI/AAAAAAAAf4A/dH_3HmrC6DEeNrPixJtyJjLQPSigfa95QCLcBGAs/s1600/gb16.png" /></a></div>
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I’m happy to keep plugging away, mind you, because I’m having a really fun time with <i>New Ghostbusters II</i>. The action’s slick and smooth, with just enough thought required to avoid boxing yourself in or getting surrounded that it avoids becoming stale. The range of your proton beam is long enough to give you room to manoeuvre but still short enough that you have to get involved and can’t just trap ghosts from a mile away, and when you’ve learned how the ghosts move you can use their patterns to your advantage. Plus it looks great, with endearingly chubby little sprites and simple but charming ghost designs. Oh, and the music is really good, too. You’ve got a fantastic NES recreation of the famous <i>Ghostbusters</i> theme, for starters, and all the stage music is a blast, from stage one’s bouncy use of motifs from the theme to stage four’s funky riff on “Entrance of the Gladiators.” Then there’s stage three’s theme, which is clearly from a <i>Kirby</i> game.<br />
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If you listened to that out of context, you’d definitely say “hey, that sure sounds a lot like music from a <i>Kirby</i> game.” I know<i> I</i> did. It’s because <i>NG2</i>’s soundtrack is by <i>Kirby</i> composer Jun Ishikawa. Having heard this track I’d have been amazed if Ishikawa <i>wasn’t</i> the composer.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-KQlRN3BmxGI/W9H-C2inOHI/AAAAAAAAf4M/spPqQHRrejcLZS7G4rFon90dJEqayiOzgCLcBGAs/s1600/gb17.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="496" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-KQlRN3BmxGI/W9H-C2inOHI/AAAAAAAAf4M/spPqQHRrejcLZS7G4rFon90dJEqayiOzgCLcBGAs/s1600/gb17.png" /></a></div>
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Any complaints I may have had about this stage being repetitious were allayed once the Ghostbusters were attacked by these grim reapers with pumpkins for heads. They are, with only mild hyperbole, the greatest enemies in any videogame ever. I’d like to believe they’re based on the pumpkin-headed “Ghost of Halloween” Samhain from the <i>Ghostbusters</i> cartoon, but I don't have any evidence for that.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9rL0EoXFgAk/W9H-DNlcE4I/AAAAAAAAf4I/kKBzqSb2krsJ9rtyhrAszApORubLoDBMgCLcBGAs/s1600/gb18.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="496" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9rL0EoXFgAk/W9H-DNlcE4I/AAAAAAAAf4I/kKBzqSb2krsJ9rtyhrAszApORubLoDBMgCLcBGAs/s1600/gb18.png" /></a></div>
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There’s no boss at the end of stage three, but you do get a cutscene showing Dana’s baby Oscar being abducted by the creepy Renfield-a-like Janosz. Like almost everything in this game, the cutscene is very cute.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ghu7watCiLM/W9H-DSgRyxI/AAAAAAAAf4Q/2jKv3IbItt8AiWSN3PeYJ2h1blGg6yU3wCLcBGAs/s1600/gb19.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="496" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ghu7watCiLM/W9H-DSgRyxI/AAAAAAAAf4Q/2jKv3IbItt8AiWSN3PeYJ2h1blGg6yU3wCLcBGAs/s1600/gb19.png" /></a></div>
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Into the river of slime for the next stage, where our intrepid paranormal investigators must do battle with evil strawberry jam while avoiding the projectiles that come their way. You might also notice that <i>NG2</i> does have some problems with sprite flickering, especially when you’re zapping a ghost / deadly emotion-enhancing fruit preserve. It’s a fairly minor issue, and overall I’d say that there’s very little to criticise in<i> NG2</i>. Once or twice Ray managed to get himself stuck behind a wall and I had to go back and fetch him, but the pathfinding on your CPU helper is generally very good. The stage backgrounds do get samey, and that’s probably the game’s biggest flaw. I’ve played games with a lot worse biggest flaws.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/--MMcEy_gAqE/W9H-D7qFjtI/AAAAAAAAf4U/FXQlZqJO5xoYIcc9BYd_xmdUuH_XM_6CQCLcBGAs/s1600/gb20.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="496" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/--MMcEy_gAqE/W9H-D7qFjtI/AAAAAAAAf4U/FXQlZqJO5xoYIcc9BYd_xmdUuH_XM_6CQCLcBGAs/s1600/gb20.png" /></a></div>
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Hey, maybe there is something to the whole Slimer / slime connection in this game? There certainly are a lot of Slimers down here and not much else beside, you know, <i>slime</i>. Maybe Slimers are independent, fully-realised globs of emotion slime, and that emotion is “me at about 8pm when I suddenly realise I’ve forgotten to have any dinner.”<br />
It was also around this point that I realised what other game <i>NG2</i> is reminding me of – Sunsoft’s NES version of <i>Gremlins 2</i>. They’re both top-down games based on spooky comedy movies set in New York that I watched a lot when I was a kid. There’s no point to this revelation, it’s just nice to finally figure it out.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-lPBbViRcj3c/W9H-EIiDCGI/AAAAAAAAf4Y/rQHAVGA1Mh8bqwV9l1rdQIa_jc-zQj4lQCLcBGAs/s1600/gb21.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="496" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-lPBbViRcj3c/W9H-EIiDCGI/AAAAAAAAf4Y/rQHAVGA1Mh8bqwV9l1rdQIa_jc-zQj4lQCLcBGAs/s1600/gb21.png" /></a></div>
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Something that didn’t appear in <i>Ghostbusters II</i> (the movie) is this stage’s boss, a pack of slimy… lizards? Dragons? Whatever they are, they seem to have been flayed alive, given that they’re red and you can see all their musculature. They can also breathe fire, so I’m going with dragons. Slime dragons, the worst kind of dragons. Like the Scoleri Brothers you have to keep your beam on a dragon for a while to defeat it, although you don’t have to trap them. I assume this is because they’re made of slime and not ectoplasm. It works out nicely for Ray, who can spend the entire battle doing bugger all and being invincible. Hang on, why doesn’t Ray join in with the zapping? Does he not have a proton pack? Were there budget cuts at Ghostbusters HQ? C’mon, Ray, start pulling your weight.<br />
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With the dragons defeated it’s time for the final stage – the art museum, where kidnapped baby Oscar has been taken so that the evil wizard Vigo the Carpathian can transfer his essence out of the painting he’s trapped in and into Oscar’s body. Oh yeah, Vigo the Carpathian. You remember him, he’s the driving force behind the events of <i>Ghostbusters 2</i>. Kinda weird that we haven’t seen him in the game yet, huh? <br />
I like the exhibits on display in the museum. You can’t go wrong with pictures of Slimer and blank canvases that drip blood, can you? Plus I reckon that the pictures you can see just about Egon and Ray in the screenshot above are teeny-tiny recreations of the <i>Ghostbusters 2</i> movie poster.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-TsSBw4hSG00/W9H-EsLtO0I/AAAAAAAAf4g/0HLFKUVVHA0kPBTH_agvFDOTFf-VNafugCLcBGAs/s1600/gb23.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="496" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-TsSBw4hSG00/W9H-EsLtO0I/AAAAAAAAf4g/0HLFKUVVHA0kPBTH_agvFDOTFf-VNafugCLcBGAs/s1600/gb23.png" /></a></div>
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The museum takes everything that you’ve seen thus far during the course of the game and bundles it all into one stage. Almost every type of previously-encountered ghost makes a return, including the Scoleri Brothers and the pumpkin reapers, and it feels like one last section of “pure” gameplay before the final battles ahead. Nothing much has changed, but nothing really needed to change because the gameplay was perfectly enjoyable as it was.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-DQH8YHEa34c/W9H-EyWExCI/AAAAAAAAf4k/xsd_pPEA-hQCqzjKRavczuqL-Rkdrw1_gCLcBGAs/s1600/gb24.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="496" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-DQH8YHEa34c/W9H-EyWExCI/AAAAAAAAf4k/xsd_pPEA-hQCqzjKRavczuqL-Rkdrw1_gCLcBGAs/s1600/gb24.png" /></a></div>
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The stage ends with a battle against Janosz, as portrayed by the actor Peter MacNicol and represented in-game as a sprite of Peter MacNicol with a gigantic forehead. There’s something I find very entertaining about doing battle with an American character actor who I associate most with <i>Ally McBeal</i> in a Japanese-developed NES game. Like, I wonder if Peter MacNicol has ever seen this? I’m far too British to ever do it, but part of me wants to get in touch with him on Twitter and let him know about this (please do not take this as a request to bother Peter MacNicol). He does have a Twitter. I just checked it out. He seems to really like Halloween, so he’s okay in my book.<br />
As for the boss fight itself, it’s… not great. The game’s lowest ebb, as far as I’m concerned, mostly because it’s an enormous spike in difficulty compared to the rest of the game which, up until this point, has been relatively easy. To defeat Janosz, you have to zap one of his clones with your beam for fifteen seconds or so – but as soon as you hit one Janosz, the other two begin firing projectiles at you, so you have to try to avoid those missile while maintaining your beam and that is no easy task. It’s made worse by you having to eliminate about ten Janosz clones before the fight grinds to a halt, with any lapse in concentration or false move leading to the loss of a life because hey, it’s one-hit kills. A frustrating battle needlessly stretched into a gruelling slog, then – but those sprites are fantastic.<br />
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There’s Vigo, the Scourge of Carpathia, the Sorrow of Moldavia. About bloody time. He used to sit in a castle of pain on a throne of blood, now he’s reduced to possessing art restorers and looking like a sculpture of George Carlin carved from scabs. No wonder he’s so angry.<br />
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After getting my arse kicked into a brand new shape by Janosz, fighting Vigo was like skipping through a summer meadow by comparison. It seems that Vigo’s been telling fibs on his CV and by “dark sorcery” he means <i>juggling.</i> Vigo throws slow, easily dodged balls at the Ghostbusters and then spins a protective ball barrier around himself, and it’s a very simple task to avoid the projectiles, hit him with the proton beam and then simply walk backwards a little so the spinning balls don’t hit you. Vigo’s must be out of practise, because he’s the scourge of nothing in this state, except maybe people who have to tidy the ball pit at a kid’s soft play centre.<br />
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With Vigo defeated, baby Oscar is saved and the game is over. There’s not really an “ending” as such, but that’s fine by me – I know how <i>Ghostbusters II </i>ends, and instead you get a fun series of little skits over the credits, like the Statue of Liberty chasing Vigo down presumably so she can kick him right in his huddled masses.<br />
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My favourite is definitely when Egon steals the reaper’s jack o’lantern head.<br />
I’ll use the obvious gag to sum up <i>New Ghostbusters II</i> – bustin’ made me feel good. HAL crafted an enjoyable little game that, unlike the Western <i>Ghostbusters II</i> game, does one thing and does it well. It’s extremely cute, and there’s a lot of fun to be had as you waddle around the stages hoovering up non-terminal repeating phantasms thanks to the solid controls and the smidgen of space for a bit of tactical play, especially when it comes to learning enemy patterns and grabbing ghosts through walls. It’s also not too difficult, Janosz fight excepted, and it’s nice to play through a NES action game that doesn’t spend every moment reminding me that I’m an old man with failing reflexes and encroaching baldness.<i> New Ghostbusters II</i> definitely gets my recommendation, and doubly so during the Halloween season. If only you could play as Janine, I’d be ordering myself a cartridge from eBay.<br />
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High marks of the Halloween-O-Meter for <i>NG2</i>, because hey, it’s <i>Ghostbusters</i>, and also I wouldn’t be surprised if that sprite of Peter MacNicol crept into my nightmares. Plus it’s got pumpkin-headed grim reapers, that’s worth an extra point all on its own.<br />
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<b>Recently on VGJUNK:</b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/10/vampire-killer-zx-spectrum.html">Deadly Dracula doors in <i>Vampire Killer!</i></a><b><br /></b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/10/all-hallows-rise-of-pumpkin-zx-spectrum.html">Brand-new ZX Spectrum pumpkin-em-up <i>All Hallows!</i></a><b> </b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/10/ghoul-patrol-snes.html">A disappointing sequel to a VGJunk favourite with <i>Ghoul Patrol!</i></a><b> </b><br />
<b> </b></div>
VGJUNKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10847169968000988460noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1129376554965074880.post-61180263077711621782018-10-23T10:00:00.004-07:002018-10-23T10:00:54.397-07:00VAMPIRE KILLER (ZX SPECTRUM)Last time out I covered <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/10/all-hallows-rise-of-pumpkin-zx-spectrum.html"><i>All Hallows</i></a>, a spooky 2018 ZX Spectrum game with lovely graphics and a fun movement mechanic that made controlling your pumpkin character a real pleasure. Today’s game is superficially similar in that it’s spooky ZX Spectrum game, but that’s where similarities end. There’ll be no charmingly animated jack o’lanterns merrily bouncing around the screen in this one, I’m afraid. It’s pretty much just doors, and a character that walks like each shoe contains a live and very sensitive piranha. Welcome to the 1984 hobble-em-up <i>Vampire Killer!</i><br />
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Sadly <i>Vampire Killer</i> has nothing to do with the <i>Castlevania</i> franchise, despite sharing a name with both a famous music track from that series and the MSX version of the first <i>Castlevania</i> game. There might not be a connection, but I <i>would</i> recommend <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fhcegMRgqSk">listening to a version of Vampire Killer</a> while playing this game. It will increase your enjoyment of the experience by roughly thirty thousand percent.<br />
Not that there’s <i>nothing</i> to enjoy about <i>Vampire Killer</i>; there’s this loading screen, for one thing. I’m definitely enjoying this, especially as I ponder whether the vampire intentionally shaped his cape so it forms the silhouette of a big raven, or if that’s just a happy coincidence. Maybe the vampire simply lost a fight with a sleeping bag. Who can say? What I<i> can</i> say is that Dracula here is not having a fun time as a vampire. That’s the face of someone realising they have to subsist solely on blood forever more. Isn’t blood quite fattening? That’s probably why he invested in such a big cape.<br />
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A general outline of the game is provided on the title screen. Dracula is sleeping on the twelfth floor, apparently, and despite being thoroughly unsuited to such a macabre undertaking it’s up to you to reach Dracula’s chambers and stake him before the clock strikes midnight. Unfortunately, the lifts are out of order. Bloody typical.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-uhSsbs9Z3EQ/W89O4_LqY1I/AAAAAAAAf1g/MOzI6Ujb_yQG-uqLo_uJGAgNTyyhbi2qwCLcBGAs/s1600/vk03.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="392" data-original-width="504" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-uhSsbs9Z3EQ/W89O4_LqY1I/AAAAAAAAf1g/MOzI6Ujb_yQG-uqLo_uJGAgNTyyhbi2qwCLcBGAs/s1600/vk03.png" /></a></div>
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I’ll be going for the easiest difficulty level, so surely I’ll romp through this simple little game with no trouble at all. <i>Vampire Killer</i> was published by a company with the impressive name of Scorpio Gamesworld, but it was was a £1.99 budget release coded by a single bloke called Barry Jones. I tell you this both as trivia about the game <i>and</i> to take your expectations and ram them right into the ground.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Gu6kLAESdzk/W89O5BgLIYI/AAAAAAAAf1k/9z1tWUl6UkMZz2aRxSm3tJne05WvWISuQCLcBGAs/s1600/vk04.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="352" data-original-width="512" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Gu6kLAESdzk/W89O5BgLIYI/AAAAAAAAf1k/9z1tWUl6UkMZz2aRxSm3tJne05WvWISuQCLcBGAs/s1600/vk04.png" /></a></div>
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This is <i>Vampire Killer</i>. Pretty much <i>all</i> of <i>Vampire Killer</i>, if I’m honest. You’re in control of the blue person at the bottom of the screen, the one with a head shaped like a confused pipe wrench. Starting out on the bottom floor, your goal is to reach the twelfth floor and eliminate Dracula, all within a strict eight-minute time limit. I say eight minutes, I’m not entirely sure that the eight minute timer is accurate. You <i>do</i> have to be quick, though, because <i>Vampire Killer</i> offers very little leeway for dallying or indeed dawdling.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-9jad3iLS9R4/W89O5Y2EzzI/AAAAAAAAf1o/QKfDVAutYbMxer7tIgRpb2NlipiE9yiVACLcBGAs/s1600/vk05.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="350" data-original-width="512" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-9jad3iLS9R4/W89O5Y2EzzI/AAAAAAAAf1o/QKfDVAutYbMxer7tIgRpb2NlipiE9yiVACLcBGAs/s1600/vk05.png" /></a></div>
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Some issues are immediately apparent. One is that your character jerks across the screen like a poorly-drawn flip book. <i>Vampire Killer</i> is not a fast-paced action game, that’s for sure, although we could always attribute our hero’s cumbersome gait to a reluctance to, you know, face Dracula. Also a problem are this big yellow spider and low-flying bat. They’re blocking our path, but there’s nothing much I can do about them at the moment and touching them results in instant death.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-fvaqboKSNek/W89O5gTIkMI/AAAAAAAAf1s/Qnc_nd_12_0_GQXsA4DBB-NNdFy69oI4wCLcBGAs/s1600/vk06.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="370" data-original-width="484" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-fvaqboKSNek/W89O5gTIkMI/AAAAAAAAf1s/Qnc_nd_12_0_GQXsA4DBB-NNdFy69oI4wCLcBGAs/s1600/vk06.png" /></a></div>
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Yeah, like that. Bitten by a spider… <i>to death!</i> I don’t know whether that means the spider bit once and injected deadly venom or if it spent some time gnawing on our hero until his leg dropped off and he bled to death, but this is Dracula’s castle so all manner of terrifying scenarios are possible. Okay, not Dracula’s castle. Dracula’s mansion, possibly. Dracula’s apartment block might be more accurate, although as we shall see I don’t think this place<i> belongs</i> to Dracula. He’s just squatting here, the shiftless freeloader.<br />
With no way past the deadly creatures, it’s time to start opening doors. Every door you see can be opened, with your nosiness having several possible results.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ZSYpcXJ0S5A/W89O555wk1I/AAAAAAAAf1w/eDBN7CfTxWEdAjrrOKM-jqIqrWBOyhhgQCLcBGAs/s1600/vk07.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="350" data-original-width="510" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ZSYpcXJ0S5A/W89O555wk1I/AAAAAAAAf1w/eDBN7CfTxWEdAjrrOKM-jqIqrWBOyhhgQCLcBGAs/s1600/vk07.png" /></a></div>
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The most common result is that you’ll find a room. Sometimes the rooms have things inside, like much smaller and presumably less bitey spiders, crucifixes and big boxes of bullets. Anything you find in a room is automatically added to your inventory, and now that I’ve found some bullets I can shoot the creatures that were blocking the way forwards. You only get a few bullets per box, by the way. I think it’s four bullets per box, so going by the size of the box each bullet must be about two feet long.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-lAAn2GI4uiE/W89O5wai6sI/AAAAAAAAf10/RL6HlByEFuIxFMUrgEQMRoFns7bJTUX6QCLcBGAs/s1600/vk08.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="348" data-original-width="506" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-lAAn2GI4uiE/W89O5wai6sI/AAAAAAAAf10/RL6HlByEFuIxFMUrgEQMRoFns7bJTUX6QCLcBGAs/s1600/vk08.png" /></a></div>
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Half the time you’ll find an empty room – a time-waster, a pointless diversion but at least one that doesn’t actively harm you. It’s just that, like, no-one plays computer games to look at empty rooms, right? There could have at least been a house plant in the corner or something. A <i>haunted</i> house plant, if you like.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-NkgSTpehE78/W89O6CN6xlI/AAAAAAAAf14/RyvRXIayYjsjtWUzlGJV4I2N4hYCYVImgCLcBGAs/s1600/vk09.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="348" data-original-width="512" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-NkgSTpehE78/W89O6CN6xlI/AAAAAAAAf14/RyvRXIayYjsjtWUzlGJV4I2N4hYCYVImgCLcBGAs/s1600/vk09.png" /></a></div>
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I eventually made it to the second floor. You know how the title screen said the lifts were out of order? Turns out that’s only partly true, and to reach the next storey you have to find the <i>one</i> elevator that takes you up. All the other elevators take you back down. I’d say that “out of order” sort of covers this scenario, but the description did make me think that I’d have to take the stairs or something.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Ods0vbjVT4Q/W89O6Rf0qWI/AAAAAAAAf18/XBMp_4l-QGgZ1nvJPd_1ZOtJXws9XJFzgCLcBGAs/s1600/vk10.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="352" data-original-width="512" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Ods0vbjVT4Q/W89O6Rf0qWI/AAAAAAAAf18/XBMp_4l-QGgZ1nvJPd_1ZOtJXws9XJFzgCLcBGAs/s1600/vk10.png" /></a></div>
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And so on you go, opening doors and trying all the lifts until you move upwards. Each floor looks identical, with the same layout made up of five or so horizontally-arranged screens each containing a couple of green doors and one elevator. Rarely there’s a hole in the floor, and you have a limited amount of “bridges” you can use to fill in the gaps and cross over. I never managed to run out of bridges. I suspect you get exactly as many bridges as there are holes, making the whole bridge thing redundant.<br />
This all means that, in essence, <i>Vampire Killer</i> is a guessing game. The contents of each door seems to be randomised every time you play, so all there is to it is opening doors with your fingers crossed and your eyes half-closed like you're room service at a love hotel. There’s might be something horrible behind any given door, and indeed the game’s instructions do say that some doors lead to “cupboards holding things that will shock you,” things like…<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Jlv4TeE3z7o/W89O6n9OqdI/AAAAAAAAf2A/rLTbBICpYmwbBK9z_zc8EwQzOPeZQ5uHgCLcBGAs/s1600/vk11.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="350" data-original-width="512" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Jlv4TeE3z7o/W89O6n9OqdI/AAAAAAAAf2A/rLTbBICpYmwbBK9z_zc8EwQzOPeZQ5uHgCLcBGAs/s1600/vk11.png" /></a></div>
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...a skeleton. The terror is palpable. My heart’s pounding, my palms are slick with sweat and yes, that might be because I’m dangerously out of shape and I just had to dash upstairs to answer my phone but I’m sure the skeleton is a contributing factor. Perhaps it’s a more<i> psychological</i> fear, because this is literally a skeleton in the closet so maybe it represents the dark secrets of your past being dragged into the light of day. Chilling!<br />
Opening a shocking door does nothing except deplete your shock meter. If the shock meter reaches zero, then that’s a game over.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VZNVVhOtXTE/W89O6u3-dbI/AAAAAAAAf2E/wrYjq1uHuHoU_Nv9Uexz4jeP2L9D-FNagCLcBGAs/s1600/vk12.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="350" data-original-width="512" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VZNVVhOtXTE/W89O6u3-dbI/AAAAAAAAf2E/wrYjq1uHuHoU_Nv9Uexz4jeP2L9D-FNagCLcBGAs/s1600/vk12.png" /></a></div>
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Overcome by fear, our hero bolts from the house and you get this wonderful little screen. I wonder what swear word those characters are masking? Trying to figure that out might be more fun than actually playing the game, but I promise I’ll get back to <i>Vampire Killer</i> rather than wasting time pondering whether he’s saying “bugger!” or “shitbag.” I suppose it depends whether the exclamation mark<i> is </i>an exclamation mark, or part of the censorship.<br />
I also like that the incredibly narrow shape of the house implies that Dracula really is hiding in a building that’s nothing more than a series of long corridors.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-K77v1fh7s4U/W89O6_cfkSI/AAAAAAAAf2I/O1bge1MzIrU4WzyFEAe5b5c0dYiYWoNSACLcBGAs/s1600/vk13.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="352" data-original-width="510" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-K77v1fh7s4U/W89O6_cfkSI/AAAAAAAAf2I/O1bge1MzIrU4WzyFEAe5b5c0dYiYWoNSACLcBGAs/s1600/vk13.png" /></a></div>
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Back to poking around the many, many rooms of the building. This time, I found a small clump of the Incredible Hulk’s pubes. Dracula must be bricking it. Okay, so what <i>is</i> that green stuff supposed to be?<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-eXhCu7ESs3I/W89O7HjVFMI/AAAAAAAAf2M/bR9AJ60sd-wZv5dczBt6UsWOaU0k8McFgCLcBGAs/s1600/vk14.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="352" data-original-width="512" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-eXhCu7ESs3I/W89O7HjVFMI/AAAAAAAAf2M/bR9AJ60sd-wZv5dczBt6UsWOaU0k8McFgCLcBGAs/s1600/vk14.png" /></a></div>
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Oh, garlic, right. I’ve also collected a hammer and stake, plus a crucifix. To reiterate, all of these vampire-slaying tools were laying around in Dracula’s hideout. It’s very unlucky for Dracula that the only available place to take refuge was a combination hardware store / French restaurant owned by observant Catholics. It’s like me sheltering in a cottage built from supermarket own-brand doughnuts and doner kebabs, the instruments of my demise all around me.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-AXQJwpdLH4I/W89O7coLSkI/AAAAAAAAf2Q/8KvRa-bxraIq6HHnpq9RRxsW7hkqulLlQCLcBGAs/s1600/vk15.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="348" data-original-width="510" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-AXQJwpdLH4I/W89O7coLSkI/AAAAAAAAf2Q/8KvRa-bxraIq6HHnpq9RRxsW7hkqulLlQCLcBGAs/s1600/vk15.png" /></a></div>
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Having collected at least one of every anti-vampire tool, I redoubled my efforts to reach the highest floor. Here’s the thing about <i>Vampire Killer</i>: it’s boring. Deeply boring, punishingly slow, relentlessly tedious, a great thick soup of dullness seeping from every miserable second of the gameplay as your little man trudges from one identical screen to the next. I’ve written about a lot of incredibly <i>bad</i> games over the years, but in most cases those games were so dreadful that I wasn’t bored, exactly. <i>Vampire Killer</i>, however, might well be the most boring game I’ve ever played and last weekend I was “playing” a French dictionary on the Game Boy with my nephew. I’m worried I might yawn so hard that my lower jaw will snap off and wound a passer-by. Isn’t there <i>anything </i>that can inject a little excitement into this game, he said in a manner that is definitely tempting fate?<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-A_ZmkMOForg/W89O7TtxloI/AAAAAAAAf2U/aK1oqa9v6a0Phk9pX7rGBpY4qK4Y39UmgCLcBGAs/s1600/vk16.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="350" data-original-width="508" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-A_ZmkMOForg/W89O7TtxloI/AAAAAAAAf2U/aK1oqa9v6a0Phk9pX7rGBpY4qK4Y39UmgCLcBGAs/s1600/vk16.png" /></a></div>
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Well, sometimes you can open one of the identical doors and rather than a room or a spooky skeleton it’s just a hole that sends you <i>all the way back to the first goddamn floor.</i> Yes, the shaft is definitely what you’re getting here. This does imply that our hero is stepping straight into rooms without looking inside them first, although to be fair playing <i>Vampire Killer</i> is making me want to throw myself down an elevator shaft so maybe that’s what’s going on. If you fall into a shaft you might as well start the entire game again, because the tight time limit means you’ve got no chance of making it back to the top of the house.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-n5rxzPHOINg/W89O7vmiO1I/AAAAAAAAf2Y/FIj53Zu9KKY877hHeeh4YMYLYGU-7B2gACLcBGAs/s1600/vk17.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="350" data-original-width="510" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-n5rxzPHOINg/W89O7vmiO1I/AAAAAAAAf2Y/FIj53Zu9KKY877hHeeh4YMYLYGU-7B2gACLcBGAs/s1600/vk17.png" /></a></div>
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This building is quite obviously not twelve stories tall. I feel lied to. The timer runs out and Dracula turns into a bat and flies off into the night, looking for virgin blood and a new roosting spot that doesn’t look like Simon Belmont’s supply cupboard. Our hero looks on helplessly. This is appropriate, as they’ve done everything else in this game helplessly, too.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-32ctEBvjOfQ/W89O7xJYhjI/AAAAAAAAf2c/-28q97Rx7cEbtOgvW5CO_NLP77sYGOOzQCLcBGAs/s1600/vk18.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="352" data-original-width="508" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-32ctEBvjOfQ/W89O7xJYhjI/AAAAAAAAf2c/-28q97Rx7cEbtOgvW5CO_NLP77sYGOOzQCLcBGAs/s1600/vk18.png" /></a></div>
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I loaded up a new game and this time, through the magic of making a save-state before I opened every single sodding door, I made it to the twelfth floor. All that’s left to do now is check each door until I find the one that leads to Dracula’s lair. It’s so <i>close</i>, I can feel it, soon I’ll be done with this bloody game.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-l9sToT_XINA/W89O8Hsg7-I/AAAAAAAAf2g/LziuBUce8AgAe7sMBh0BNc5XhyJamXLlQCLcBGAs/s1600/vk19.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="352" data-original-width="510" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-l9sToT_XINA/W89O8Hsg7-I/AAAAAAAAf2g/LziuBUce8AgAe7sMBh0BNc5XhyJamXLlQCLcBGAs/s1600/vk19.png" /></a></div>
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At last, it’s here! Dracula’s lair! But I cannot continue because I haven’t found enough. Enough <i>what?!</i> I’ve got at least one of every available item. Do I need more than one hammer? Am I going to come at Dracula with a hammer in each hand and a stake in my mouth? Do I need to make a garlic rope long and thick enough to moor a cruise liner? I demand answers from <i>Vampire Killer</i>, but none are forthcoming. I simply<i> don’t have <b>enough</b></i>. I sure as shit don’t have enough patience for another run-through of the game, so I’m making the decision to call an end to my time with <i>Vampire Killer.</i><br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HdIX1JzLRwg/W89O8nWtnFI/AAAAAAAAf2k/rWqcEL8DVMgqcoBvdZlCbMyugEaPz5mZwCLcBGAs/s1600/vk20.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="326" data-original-width="482" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HdIX1JzLRwg/W89O8nWtnFI/AAAAAAAAf2k/rWqcEL8DVMgqcoBvdZlCbMyugEaPz5mZwCLcBGAs/s1600/vk20.png" /></a></div>
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“S” to self-destruct, huh? Yep, that’s the menu option for me. By the way, selecting the “???” option brings up a list of other games available to buy from the same publisher, which is quite a clever way to get people to look at your advertisement: after all, who’s going to be able to resist hitting the “???” option? I certainly wasn’t. Sadly the effect is hamstrung because you can only see the ad <i>after</i> having played <i>Vampire Killer</i> at least once, and that’s really going to put potential customers off buying any other games from Scorpio Gamesworld.<br />
<i>Vampire Killer</i> is a pretty terrible game, as I’m sure you’ve gathered by now. Slow, boring, entirely reliant on random guesswork, boring, frequently punishes the player with no warning and so boring it makes scrubbing your shower seals with a toothbrush look like a fun Sunday afternoon. And yet, I kinda like it. Someone had an idea for a game – not a good idea, granted – and then created the game and it still exists. You can still play it, you can get a taste of the budget computer game market of 1984, you can almost<i> feel</i> the disappointment of having spent one pound and ninety-nine pence on <i>this.</i> Plus I genuinely like the game over screens, they’re fun. And with those straws firmly clutched at, I bid you adieu. I promise the next article won't be a ZX Spectrum game.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rdcemhrSj7w/W89O4aBq9PI/AAAAAAAAf1c/9k5jrMPVFMUl4eVgp8FV4mMFMmZrDHPKACLcBGAs/s1600/hallmeter18_6.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="413" data-original-width="315" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rdcemhrSj7w/W89O4aBq9PI/AAAAAAAAf1c/9k5jrMPVFMUl4eVgp8FV4mMFMmZrDHPKACLcBGAs/s1600/hallmeter18_6.png" /></a></div>
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I was really hoping a game about assassinating Dracula was going to be <i>more </i>Halloweeny, but alas it’s only the bats and skeletons that make this Halloweeny at all, and not just a man getting lost in a big building. Perhaps an unfair rating because I never actually reached Dracula and maybe he’d be spooky enough to bump the rating up significantly, but I doubt it.<br />
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<b>Recently on VGJUNK:</b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/10/all-hallows-rise-of-pumpkin-zx-spectrum.html">Brand-new ZX Spectrum pumpkin-em-up <i>All Hallows!</i></a><b> </b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/10/ghoul-patrol-snes.html">A disappointing sequel to a VGJunk favourite with <i>Ghoul Patrol!</i></a><b> </b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/10/cruel-games-red-riding-hood-pc.html">Fairytale hidden object mannequin madness in <i>Cruel Games: Red Riding Hood!</i></a><br />
<b> </b></div>
VGJUNKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10847169968000988460noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1129376554965074880.post-39650361087814505322018-10-18T10:21:00.001-07:002018-10-18T10:21:09.017-07:00ALL HALLOWS: RISE OF THE PUMPKIN (ZX SPECTRUM)What do you get if you cross a jack o’lantern with a spring? In my experience, a warning from the police for having something dangerous and distracting attached to the roof of your car. Another answer might be today’s game – it’s <i>All Hallows: Rise of the Pumpkin</i>, a ZX Spectrum platformer created by John Blythe of Rucksack Games and released in… 2018!?<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3QbBApfZTVQ/W8i9qsF-ImI/AAAAAAAAfz0/LKnSxBjjBeMTE9jvNAS-CPP9d7A_8Ev9QCLcBGAs/s1600/ah01.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="382" data-original-width="512" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3QbBApfZTVQ/W8i9qsF-ImI/AAAAAAAAfz0/LKnSxBjjBeMTE9jvNAS-CPP9d7A_8Ev9QCLcBGAs/s1600/ah01.png" /></a></div>
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That’s right, <i>All Hallows</i> is a brand-new ZX Spectrum game released mere weeks before the writing of this article. <a href="https://www.rucksackgames.co.uk/allhallows">You can download it for free at Rucksack Games’ website</a> if you’d like to try it out for yourself. Personally, I knew I had to give it as go once I’d seen the loading screen. Multiple pumpkins, dark castles, a flock of bats, it’s got Halloween Spooktacular written all over it. I’m something of a jack o’lantern purist and I prefer the eyes of my carved gourds to be empty voids, but this pumpkin’s determined gaze is not to be ignored. It’s also a brave move to make a game about pumpkins on the ZX Spectrum, a system which does not include orange in its colour palette – but the dithering effects make it work and you’re unlikely to mistake this pumpkin for an inferior squash such as a disappointing marrow.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3rkY7xBUsBs/W8i9qqhFuWI/AAAAAAAAfz4/YxkiRGaBiO0ce15_YcYvLjuu0g8ETAZVQCLcBGAs/s1600/ah02.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="380" data-original-width="510" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3rkY7xBUsBs/W8i9qqhFuWI/AAAAAAAAfz4/YxkiRGaBiO0ce15_YcYvLjuu0g8ETAZVQCLcBGAs/s1600/ah02.png" /></a></div>
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The story of <i>All Hallows</i> is that familiar tale of an evil creature breaking free of its imprisonment and the plucky, carved hero that must re-seal the dread force. In this case the evil creature is the Forest Lord, and the Moonstones that hold him captive in the dark castle are weakening. Only the touch of a magical creature can restore the Moonstones, and what could be more magical than a sentient pumpkin? Not much, if you ask me. So that’s the goal of the game: rub a pumpkin on some rocks. Let’s get to it.<br />
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Oh yeah, that’s the stuff. All the things we were promised by the loading screen are here, although the bats are green now and consequently easier to see. That’s good, it’ll hopefully make them easier to <i>avoid</i>. You can see platforms and spike pits, so I’m sure you’ve already got a good idea of <i>All Hallows</i>’ general gameplay – although controlling your pumpkin takes some getting used to. Remembering the actual controls isn’t difficult, because there are only two of them. You’ve got left, and you’ve got right. That’s it. You might notice there’s no jump button. The pumpkin doesn’t need one, because like a sugared-up child waiting at a bus stop it’s<i> always</i> bouncing.<br />
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Hypnotic, isn’t it? The pumpkin is forever bouncing up and down on the spot, and you move it left and right, timing your movements with the bounces to traverse chasms and sproing over enemies. “Sproing” is a verb now, you heard it here first. <i>All Hallows</i> being a game about a very bouncy pumpkin means it will obviously draw comparisons to <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hCbuNyU1Rrw"><i>Cauldron 2</i></a>, and the creator himself says <i>Cauldron 2</i> was an inspiration, but I think we can all agree that there is room in this world for more than one game about an elastic jack o'lantern.<br />
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There’s a Moonstone on the second screen of the game, the rock with the pentagram on it. Unfortunately it’s all the way up there and my pumpkin’s not <i>that</i> bouncy. Looks like I’ll have to go the long way around, taking care not to touch the roaming skull because that’ll result in the instant loss of a life. You also have a health bar that is drained when you touch bats or certain fires, and it’s represented by your<i> pumpkin juice.</i> I’ve never really thought about it before but there must be people out there who drink pumpkin juice, right? A pumpkin smoothie, at the very least. I did quickly look it up and apparently “Pumpkin Juice” is also a <i>Harry Potter</i> thing and thus my eyes glazed over almost immediately. <br />
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You can replenish your juice by parking yourself in the flaming pots. No, not the red flames, the blue flames. The red flames hurt you. Here, I’ve come up with a simple memory aid: if flames be red, you’ll end up dead, if flames be blue, refill your goo. Presumably the otherwise strange decision to have some fire be deadly and some not was based on saving space by reusing sprites, but I would have preferred it if the health refill areas were cauldrons or tiny pumpkin day spas or something.<br />
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It might have been released this year, but <i>All Hallows</i> is still a ZX Spectrum game and is therefore still pretty darn difficult. It’s certainly not pitched at the usual Spectrum difficulty level – that is, somewhere between “vicious” and “sadistic” - but there are plenty of one-hit kills and controlling a character that is constantly springing up and down like a malfunctioning whack-a-mole game presents its own challenges.<br />
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The pumpkin’s unusual movements are the game’s greatest strength, however. Learning the intricacies of the control scheme, tuning in to the rhythm of your bounces and figuring out which bits of the scenery you can use as a perch is where the fun comes from. I’m sure we’ve all played plenty of explore-em-up platformers with fireballs over flame-pits and switches that unlock unseen doors and that’s exactly what <i>All Hallows is</i>, but learning to control this rubbery gourd makes it a different enough experience that I found myself wanting to stick with it.<br />
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My only issue with the controls is ladders. You’ve got to climb ladders sometimes, and you do that by bouncing into them. This makes the pumpkin <i>rocket</i> up the ladder, because it jumps again as soon as it touches the next rung up and, as you can see, the rungs are very close together. This is fine when you want to climb a ladder. You’re the goddamn Usain Bolt of ladder climbing. The thing is, sometimes you want to go<i> past</i> a ladder and this requires far more accurate timing than you’d expect, because as soon as you touch a rung you start moving upwards so you’ve got to move into the ladder at the lowest part of your arc and hope you’ve got enough horizontal momentum to get past the ladder before you’re propelled to the top. I probably lost more lives due to accidentally climbing ladders right into the toothy embrace of a wandering skull than via any other misfortune. It’s the weak link in <i>All Hallows</i>’ gameplay… but it’s hardly insurmountable, so things could be a lot worse.<br />
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The “Second Worst Thing” award goes to this little section where you have to get past the skull on the small platform and on to the ladder beyond, a segment I had tremendous trouble with. I suspect this is more to do with me being crap at computer games than anything else, mind you. Fortunately the sight of the pumpkin’s squished-up animation frame as it hits the ground is preventing me from getting angry about it. It's just that charming.<br />
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There’s not much else to say about <i>All Hallows</i>, really. It’s a simple game with an interesting movement system and enough charm that I wish there was more of it. It’s not a long game, and once you’ve mastered the pumpkin’s controls and you know where you’re going you could probably finish the whole thing in about ten minutes but, hey, it’s one man’s work and it’s a free ZX Spectrum game in 2018 so that’s not exactly a criticism.<br />
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I will say that I <i>love</i> the way this game looks. Detailed without being too fussy, smooth animations and absolutely dripping with Halloween-ness. I’ve said before that the ZX Spectrum is a natural fit for spooky games thanks to most backgrounds being black and everything else being portrayed in garish colour, and that’s very apparent throughout <i>All Hallows</i>. It looks like the game from an early-nineties movie about a computer game that possesses children on Halloween and uses its malicious influence to make the kids murder their parents, and I think that might be the highest possible praise I <i>can</i> give a computer game’s visuals.<br />
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One thing introduced in the latter half of the game are three coloured blocks that you have to collect. They’re keys, basically, or maybe more like the Switch Palaces in <i>Super Mario World</i>, because grabbing them will make certain blocks appear or disappear, granting you access to new areas.<br />
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Here, for instance, the stone creates a pathway over this lava pit. The pumpkin seems pleased by this. To be fair, the pumpkin seems pleased by <i>everything</i>. That’s just the way it was carved, man. Actually, is this the first time in the history of VGJunk where I’ve covered a game with a playable pumpkin as the main character? I think it might be. Wow, it only took me, what, eight years?<br />
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With all the Moonstones nuzzled, all that remains is to reach the top of the castle’s tower, where the Forest Lord is caught mid-emergence and presumably embarrassed and chastened to have been bested by a hero with no limbs. The Forest Lord’s last, final gambit is to chuck a load of bats at you, but all you need to do is bounce over to the left of the screen and drop into the conveniently pumpkin-sized chute to re-seal the Forest Lord and finish the game. If you’re on your last life and you’re low on pumpkin juice then this could be a problem; otherwise it’s a victory lap. Revel in your triumph, young pumpkin! No pies or spiced drinks in your future, although we might chuck a few tealights inside you for celebratory purposes.<br />
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And that’s that, evil sealed away and the buck passed one thousand years hence. “Until next time pumpkin,” it says, and I hope there <i>is</i> a next time because <i>All Hallows: Rise of the Pumpkin</i> was a short but very enjoyable blast of Halloween fun with an unusual movement mechanic and a visual style that has made me want to buy some square stencils and some <i>very</i> bright paint so I can give my bedroom a bold new look.<br />
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As for the Halloween-O-Meter, what else could a game where you guide a pumpkin through a haunted castle score but a full ten out of ten? It’s called <i>All Hallows</i>, for pity’s sake.<br />
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<b>Recently on VGJUNK:</b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/10/ghoul-patrol-snes.html">A disappointing sequel to a VGJunk favourite with <i>Ghoul Patrol!</i></a><b> </b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/10/cruel-games-red-riding-hood-pc.html">Fairytale hidden object mannequin madness in <i>Cruel Games: Red Riding Hood!</i></a><b> </b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/10/castlevania-order-of-shadows-mobile.html">A classic franchise shoved onto mobile phones with<i> Castlevania: Order of Shadows! </i></a><br />
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VGJUNKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10847169968000988460noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1129376554965074880.post-63112906699619133002018-10-16T10:08:00.003-07:002018-10-16T10:08:17.694-07:00GHOUL PATROL (SNES)And now, the videogame equivalent of returning to a place where you spent many happy childhood holidays only to find it a little run-down, with some of the fondly-remembered attractions shuttered and replaced by chain restaurants, the bitter-sweet tang of nostalgia tightening in your throat. It’s LucasArts’ 1994 SNES game <i>Ghoul Patrol!</i><br />
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I’m not sure what they were going for with that title. Is it supposed to rhyme? Surely not, then it’d be <i>Ghoul Patrool</i>. Is it a monstrous spin on School Patrol and we’re going to be playing as an undead lollipop lady? No, it’s not that either. But it does contain the world “ghoul” and there are flaming skulls on the title screen so at least we know it’s suitable for the Halloween Spooktacular.<br />
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The first thing to do after hitting start is to select your character. You’ve got a choice of monster-slaying teens: the crossbow-wielding and sensibly-dressed Julie, or Zeke, a hunchback carrying a piece of scaffolding. These plucky young heroes might look familiar to you, and that’s because Zeke and Julie were <i>also</i> the stars of the wonderful 16-bit run-n-gun classic and supremely Halloween-y game <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.co.uk/2012/10/zombies-ate-my-neighbors-snes-gen.html"><i>Zombies Ate My Neighbors</i></a>. That’s right, <i>Ghoul Patrol</i> is a sequel to <i>Zombies Ate My Neighbors</i>, just without the <i>Zombies Ate My Neighbors</i> name. I bloody love <i>ZAMN</i>, so hopefully <i>Ghoul Patrol</i> will scratch the same itch.<br />
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One thing that <i>Ghoul Patrol</i> has that <i>Zombies Ate My Neighbors</i> didn’t is a story. Okay, so <i>ZAMN</i> obviously <i>did</i> have a story, but it was conveyed simply and effectively by the game being called “Zombies Ate My Neighbors.” What I mean is that <i>Ghoul Patrol</i> has something resembling a plot, beginning with Zeke and Julie checking out an exhibition about ghosts and demons at their local library. My local library just has books, and DVDs for rent that are too scratched to watch nine times out of ten. I’m kinda jealous.<br />
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The exhibit contains a floating magical grimoire inscribed with an incantation for summoning demons. In a real Ash-from-<i>The-Evil-Dead</i> moment, Zeke reads the incantation out loud and hey, that’s how you end up on a ghoul patrol. Having already suffered through one neighbour-eating adventure, Zeke and Julie<i> know</i> that ghosts, vampires, werewolves and maniacal, murderous children’s dolls are all real things that exist, so you’d think they’d be a bit more careful around the evil monster-summoning tomes. That said, they<i> did</i> repel the previous monster invasion by using water pistols and throwing cutlery, so perhaps they figure they’ve got it covered.<br />
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The demon king lays out his plan to conquer all of the “time dimensions,” so it looks like <i>Ghoul Patrol</i> is going to see our heroes travelling to the past. It was nice of the demon king to tell us this, wasn’t it? Mind you, he’s been locked in that chest for hundreds of years so he’s probably just desperate for any kind of conversation.<br />
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There are no time shenanigans at the very beginning of the game, and the first stage takes place in the very library in which the kids meddled with dark cosmic forces. Right from the off it’s clear that <i>Ghoul Patrol</i> is very much the same kind of game as its predecessor – a top-down shooter where your goal is to escape each stage by rescuing all the survivors. There’s a survivor over on the right, the old man in the rocking chair. You start with ten survivors, and once you’ve saved them all the exit door opens up and you can move on. The twist is that that the survivors can also be killed by the monsters that roam each level, and if all the survivors are killed it’s game over. Oh, and the number of dead survivors carries over between stages so if, for instance, you saved seven out of the ten survivors but three of them died, you’d start the next stage with only seven available survivors. This isn’t much of a problem early on, when the monsters are still warming up and aren’t quite ready to begin feasting upon the flesh of the living, so we can take a moment to get used to controlling our chosen monster fighter.<br />
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One area where <i>Ghoul Patrol</i> does differ from <i>Zombies Ate My Neighbors </i>is the range of movement options at your disposal. In <i>ZAMN </i>all you could really do was walk and swim, and the swimming was basically walking but underwater. In <i>Ghoul Patrol,</i> however, you can walk and even run by holding down the attack button a la Super Mario, you can jump and you’ve got a slide move that comes in handy for avoiding attacks. The fact that you can jump is a bit worrying, because<i> ZAMN</i> was perfectly fine without it and my fear is that <i>Ghoul Patrol</i> will start introducing jumping puzzles later in the game, but for now it’s mostly used to hopping onto desks to collect items.<br />
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As promised by the ghosts and demons exhibit, here’s a ghost and a demon. The ghost is surely of the same genealogical line as Slimer from <i>Ghostbusters</i>, while the demon is a traditional pitchfork-poking imp with the ability to launch a trail of hellfire along the ground. The other enemies in this stage include flying books and possessed photocopiers, so it’s not exactly the most coherent theme. I’m okay with that, though, and so far the monsters have looked pretty neat. I’m especially fond of the formation-flying hordes of oversized eyeballs that form into spinning circles. I admire both their precision flying skills<i> and</i> the courage they must possess to attack someone armed with a crossbow. It’s difficult to think of a more terrifying weapon for an eyeball to face. Boudoir photography of Nigel Farage, possibly.<br />
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Save everybody in the library and it’s on to the city streets for the next stage, where there are indeed zombies and the people they’re trying to eat are presumably <i>someone’s </i>neighbours. That “save me!” text bubble isn’t emanating from the zombie, by the way. No, their decomposing bodies don’t still contain a fragment of their pre-death personalities, a sliver of humanity that is fully aware of the monster they’ve become. That’s pro-zombie propaganda. The text is coming from a nearby survivor that needs rescuing, and the speech bubbles appear from the direction they’re located in so you can track them down. <i>ZAMN</i> had a little radar instead. It was much more useful.<br />
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Other foes on this stage include green, bin-dwelling monsters that clearly deserve the epithet “The Grouch” more than certain other Muppets. Oh, and cars. You can get hit by a car. They’re not evil cars or anything. No Christines here, I’m afraid.<br />
You can’t shoot the cars, but obviously the other monsters need to be slain and so we come to <i>Ghoul Patrol</i>’s selection of weapons. In short, they’re rubbish. Just<i> super</i> disappointing. You’ve always got a crossbow that has infinite ammo and fires a weak, fairly short range projectile. You can also find a gun that fires slightly more powerful pellets in a straight line, a laser that shoots<i> moderately</i> powerful projectiles in a straight line, a homing blaster with projectiles that never seem to head towards the thing you want to kill and a mortar that fires projectiles in an upwards arc and is therefore completely useless against monsters that are close to you.<br />
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This selection represents such a downgrade from <i>Zombies Ate My Neighbors</i>’ arsenal that I had a genuine “wait,<i> really?</i>” reaction. <i>ZAMN</i> had a wide range of weapons that were both comical and charming <i>and</i> had plenty of utility, from crucifixes that surrounded you with a monster-slaying aura or bazookas that could knock down walls to stacks of plates and weed-whackers. They helped sell the game as two kids fighting off monsters in their neighbourhood with whatever they could find, a feeling that is completely absent from <i>Ghoul Patrol’</i>s characterless, generic weapons. The sequel also removes the concept of certain monsters being weak to specific weapons; for example, <i>ZAMN</i>’s silver cutlery killed werewolves in one hit, and just like in the movies the blobs were vulnerable to the cold of the popsicles. There’s none of that in<i> Ghoul Patrol</i> as far as I could tell, and as a result there’s little reason to pick one weapon over another – don’t use the crossbow unless you have to, and otherwise just use whatever weapon you have the most ammo for.<br />
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<i>Ghoul Patrol</i> also excises some of <i>ZAMN</i>’s special items, like the screen-clearing Pandora’s Box and the inflatable decoy clowns. I know, we’re all disappointed that we won’t be seeing a chainsaw maniac attack a blow-up clown, but on the plus side the potion that temporarily transforms your character into an invincible monster <i>did </i>make the transition. In <i>ZAMN </i>you became a hulking purple creature but in <i>Ghoul Patrol</i> the potions transform you into<i> Death itself.</i> That is quite an upgrade, and it’s nice to finally see something in <i>Ghoul Patrol</i> that I can confidently say improves upon <i>ZAMN</i>. As the Grim Reaper you can fly around, taking out monsters with your scythe and generally enjoying feeling powerful for a change, although conceptually it makes little sense – surely Death would hold no dominion over undead creatures like ghosts and zombies? Can’t argue with Death taking out a flying eyeball, mind.<br />
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The next two stages play out very similarly, and they take place in a hotel and an apartment building respectively so they <i>look</i> quite similar too. The main purpose of these stages, especially the hotel, seems to be to cause you to waste as many keys as possible because half the rooms have multiple, redundant, locked doors. It took me a while to realise that to make progress you have to climb out of an exterior window and make your way around the ledge on the outside of the building, which ended up being more nerve-wracking than any number of monsters because you can’t defeat gravity with a crossbow.<br />
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Then there’s a boss. Considering this is a horror-themed game I’m surprised that said boss is a big police robot. I was expecting a large ghost or a huge demon or, if the developers were feeling especially cheeky, a skyscraper-scaling off-brand marshmallow monster. But no, we get a robot cop. It’s got a badge and a siren on its head, and it likes to stomp around a lot. This is where your slide move comes in handy, because it’s good for getting out of the way when the robot tries to jump on you. The boss fights are also the best place to use up all your mortar ammunition, because they’re so big that you don’t have to worry about your shots arcing over them. However, my top tip is to use a Grim Reaper potion and lay into the boss with your scythe. Standing inside the boss’s sprite and pressing the attack button until it explodes might sound boring, but honestly it’s no less interesting that sliding back and forth and getting a few shots in where you can and it’s a hell of a lot <i>faster</i>.<br />
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With Officer Tincan taken care of – and we can safely assume he was one day away from retirement anyway – the “time dimension” part of the game kicks in and our heroes are transported to a time and place that the game’s manual calls Ancient China. It’s packed with lots of famously Chinese things, like samurai warriors, geisha and trees with pink blossoms. Hmm. The stages in Ancient China are a little more open than the urban levels and consequently play better, giving you more room to avoid the skeleton samurai and the floating monks. You really want to avoid the skeleton samurai in particular, because if they get close enough to attack then they’ll “stick” to you until you destroy them. This is a common tactic of the game’s more powerful enemies, and it’s very easy to be overwhelmed by a swarm of monsters. It’d be nice if your attacks pushed enemies back a bit, but c’est la vie.<br />
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The Chinese levels are quite good fun on the whole, and I’ve done a lot of complaining about<i> Ghoul Patrol</i> so far but it is a decent little game for the most part. Roaming around the levels and fighting hideous creatures? It’s fine. Maybe slightly better than fine, especially because you can transform into a Grim Reaper. However, one thing that absolutely will not stand is that the game includes these big gongs and you can’t interact with them. Why would you do that? If I become the physical embodiment of the inescapable end and I hit a gong with my scythe I expect a “bong” sound at the very least.<br />
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Some nice graphics, though. I especially like these little scenes painted on the walls of the buildings, and there’s a lot of detail in all of the game’s backgrounds, so there’s plenty of opportunity to do a bit of sightseeing.<br />
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The boss here is a sword-wielding demon warrior with an interesting look, and that look is “action figure from a poorly-received toy line that a kid threw away because its legs fell off.” Naturally you don’t want to be standing in front of this thing for too long, because that’s a big sword and frankly I had trouble figuring out exactly where its hitbox was. Oh, and it can throw shurikens around, too. Fortunately I’ve been saving up Grim Reaper potions. The other option would be to fight it properly, which I wouldn’t recommend because this (and every other) boss in the game has far, <i>far</i> too much health, turning the fight into a gruelling slog even if you<i> do</i> figure out an optimal non-potion strategy. Even if the bosses had their health pools reduced by seventy-five percent that’d still be too much goddamn health.<br />
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Yo ho ho, it’s a pirate-themed world next. I think I’ve mentioned before that I’m not totally on-board with pirates as part of the Halloween season, but there are also zombies clawing out of their graves in search of tender human flesh, so it all balances out. Watch out for those graves, by the way. Whoever dug them must have had a very large shovel and a five-gallon drum of Red Bull, because they’re actually bottomless pits that’ll kill you if you fall down them.<br />
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Naturally there are some thematically appropriate new enemies here on Undead Pirate Island, most notably these, erm, undead pirates. They’re this game’s equivalent of <i>ZAMN</i>’s chainsaw maniacs, I suppose, in that they take a bunch of hits to knock down and then they might get back up again anyway – except you don’t have anything as interesting as the bazooka or the fire extinguisher to deal with them. Maybe I <i>won’t</i> deal with them. I ain’t Jim Hawkins over here, I don’t need this hassle. I’ll just hop into the water and swim to my destination!<br />
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Ah. This could have gone better. Now, Halloween sharks? That I can get behind. I know sharks are unfairly vilified and their mass slaughter is a real ecological issue, but slap a witch’s hat on them or fill their mouths with a sack of plastic vampire fangs and we could be looking at the breakout star of this year’s Halloween season.<br />
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In the final stage of this world you board a pirate ship, which is less interesting than it sounds although admittedly it’s rare to see a pirate ship with rugs on the floors. I hope they’ve put something under those rugs to stop them slipping, getting around on a pirate ship must be hard enough when the seas are rough and you’ve got a stick for a leg.<br />
You can see the stage exit in the screenshot above, and it’s time for <i>Ghoul Patrol</i> to once again be compared negatively to its predecessor. In <i>ZAMN</i>, once you rescue all the survivors the exit appears right next to you. In <i>Ghoul Patrol</i>, the exit door appears… somewhere. You have to track it down in the same way you do with the survivors, and if your last rescue was at the opposite side of the map to where the exit appears then you’ve got a pointless, health and ammo-draining trek across the stage to find it. Let’s just add this fact to the increasingly long list of baffling changes from the original game, shall we?<br />
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Yet more undead pirates with the boss, a large undead pirate. Does he shoot at you with his gun and slash at you with his hook? Yes. Should you use the same strategy as the previous boss battles? Also yes. Does he look suspiciously like LeChuck from the cover art of <i>Monkey Island 2?</i> Wow, three yeses in a row.<br />
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A medieval world of castles and magical knights is next. Finally, my crossbow makes sense! Nice of the game to place a knight that needs rescuing up on that parapet, a place that I can’t possibly reach before that demon knight kills him. That’s helpful. I suppose the saving grace is that every dead survivor makes the following stage quicker to complete.<br />
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I want these stages to be quicker to complete. The more I play of <i>Ghoul Patrol</i>, the more its idiosyncrasies frustrate and annoy me. Take the doorways in this castle, for example. They’re not bloody big enough! Sure, you can fit through them, but you have to line yourself up<i> far</i> more precisely than you’d expect or you won’t pass though, slowing down the gameplay and leaving you vulnerable to being nibbled to death by hovering skulls because Zeke is acting like a dog with a big stick in its mouth trying to get through a hole in a fence. If the doorways were slightly larger it wouldn’t be an issue, and it’s not like the challenge of the game should hinge upon it being hard to get through doors.<br />
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Even simple movement is grating on my nerves at this point, with your character feeling sluggish and slow to respond. I think they’re supposed to have momentum, but it doesn’t quite feel right. I suspect those potions contain the essence of the Grim Reaper and half a litre of vodka. That’d go some way to explaining it. I did wonder whether it was an unconscious bias and maybe<i> ZAMN</i> handled in the same way but nope, I went and checked and <i>ZAMN</i>’s controls are pin-sharp. What is going on with you, <i>Ghoul Patrol?</i> I had such high hopes for you, but you’re turning out to be a real disappointment. Oh Christ, now I know how my parents feel.<br />
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Another day, another boss without legs. I assume they’re all legless so you can see your character when they’re hovering above you, but it does lend them all the appearance of pieces from an extremely ugly chess set. This undead knight has brought a shield with him so, like, don’t shoot him in the shield. <i>That’s what he wants.</i><br />
If I’m starting to get a bit weary of <i>Ghoul Patrol</i>’s regular gameplay, then I am one hundred percent done with the boss battles. They’re all boring, over-long iterations on the same theme, testing not the player’s skill but their ability to collect magic potions. Get back to scaring people away from an old amusement park, you Scooby-Doo reject.<br />
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The final world – and by world I mean one stage and the final boss – is set in Hell. The manual calls it by the rather inelegant name “Ghosts and Demon World” but yeah, it’s Hell. Tortured prisoners, spike pits, jumping sections where the punishingly ugly background makes it difficult to see where you’re jumping to; yep, looks like Hell to me.<br />
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There’s an H. R. Giger-inspired look to the backgrounds, because of course there is. Giger is surely up there with Henry Ford when it comes to influencing what people think Hell would look like. This isn’t a complaint, because this stage is more interesting to look at than the pirate ship or the castle, and I’d have liked to see more of it even if it <i>does</i> represent a departure from the colourful, kitschy style that helped make <i>ZAMN</i> so much fun. That’s <i>Ghoul Patrol</i>’s problem, really – it can’t seem to decide whether it wants to break away from its predecessor or not. I think it would have been a more interesting game had it done its own thing – at the very least, it would have minimised unflattering comparisons to <i>ZAMN.</i><br />
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Holy crap, a boss with legs! All the better to stomp you with, and the Demon Lord does like to stomp. Like all self-respecting demons, the big bad can breath fire and has a face that could proudly grace any eighties heavy metal album cover, although it must have a hard time buying hats. Can you tell I’m struggling for anything interesting to say about this? Nice, uh, loincloth, I guess. Thank you for sparing us the sight of the lil’ demon. Don’t you have a Warhammer 40,000 battle to get back to? I’m just going to turn into the Grim Reaper and perform a scythe-based hamstringectomy, then we can all get back to our regular lives. Sound good? Good.<br />
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The Demon Lord is once again sealed away in the chest / grimoire – the game isn’t really clear on which – and<i> Ghoul Patrol</i> has come to an end. Zeke is hungry, or so says the caption. Read that text again and tell me you’re not imagining Zeke saying it in the voice of someone awkwardly reading off a teleprompter. And, erm, that’s it. If you too want to be transported to a world of excitement and adventure, visit your local library! For books, I mean, not demon portals.<br />
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Okay, so <i>Ghoul Patrol</i> is a slightly-above-average SNES run-n-gunner. I am opposed to the very concept of numerical review scores and I don’t really consider VGJunk articles to be reviews anyway, but <i>Ghoul Patrol</i> is a six out of ten. The controls are a bit awkward, the weapons are dull and the stages are often annoyingly laid out, but when you get into the groove on one of the better stages it’s a perfectly acceptable monster-splattering adventure. The problem with <i>Ghoul Patrol</i> is that there’s no <i>need </i>to play it, because it is inferior to <i>Zombies Ate My Neighbors</i> in every way. I suppose you could argue that the graphics are more technically accomplished and finely detailed and therefore “better,” but personally I prefer the cleaner look and more characterful sprites of <i>ZAMN</i>. The gameplay is definitely worse, though. Slower, less interesting, more heavily focussed on key collecting, terrible boss battles: it just doesn’t reach the same heights as <i>ZAMN</i>. The soundtrack isn’t nearly as good either, but that one’s more understandable because personally I think <i>ZAMN</i> has one of the best and most overlooked soundtracks on the SNES. The biggest issue for me, however, is that <i>Ghoul Patrol</i> just doesn’t have that same sense of<i> fun</i> that pervades <i>ZAMN</i>, that wacky B-movie atmosphere is watered down for a series of fairly generic city / medieval / pirate worlds, like a 16-bit version of <i>The Crystal Maze</i>. Maybe I’m being too harsh on it, though. It<i> does</i> let you play as Death, after all. Now we just need a spin-off game where you can become Dracula’s close friend and confidante. <br />
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When I covered <i>Zombies Ate My Neighbors</i> it scored a full ten out of ten on the Halloween-O-Meter, because it’s a game where you fight pretty much every famous Halloween monster except witches. The same cannot be said for <i>Ghoul Patrol</i>, but it <i>does</i> have zombies, ghosts and floating skulls, so scoring it anything less than an eight would probably be unfair. It could so easily have been a ten, though. A pumpkin here and there, maybe a boss that was a Frankenstein with no legs. Ah, what could have been.<br />
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<b>Recently on VGJUNK:</b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/10/cruel-games-red-riding-hood-pc.html">Fairytale hidden object mannequin madness in <i>Cruel Games: Red Riding Hood!</i></a><b> </b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/10/castlevania-order-of-shadows-mobile.html">A classic franchise shoved onto mobile phones with<i> Castlevania: Order of Shadows! </i></a><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/10/seikima-ii-akuma-no-gyakushuu-famicom.html">Rescuing a devil-worshipping band in <i>Seikima II: Akuma no Gyakushuu!</i></a><b> </b></div>
VGJUNKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10847169968000988460noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1129376554965074880.post-64905238394973534032018-10-12T10:18:00.000-07:002018-10-12T10:18:08.904-07:00CRUEL GAMES: RED RIDING HOOD (PC)I was going to say that playing spooky hidden object games has become a Halloween tradition of mine, but that’d be a lie. I play spooky hidden object games <i>all year round</i>. They are my videogame equivalent of a nice warm bath: soothing, relaxing and not very deep. They do fit nicely into the Halloween Spooktacular, though, so here’s a tale of serial killers, graveyards and garden gnomes - it’s Skywind Games and Alawar’s 2012 PC click-em-up <i>Cruel Games: Red Riding Hood!</i><br />
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This all looks pretty spooky, right? Cobwebs, porcelain dolls, bloody handprints, it’s hardly the friendliest work station in the office. The surveillance equipment and long lens photographs offer some clues as to the game’s theme, as we shall see. But why did I decide to cover <i>Cruel Games: Red Riding Hood</i> rather than any of the hundreds of other spooky hidden object games out there, or even the dozens of spooky hidden object games that I actually<i> own?</i> There’s no reason, honestly. It’s the luck of the draw. I reached into the metaphorical bucket of hidden object games and pulled out one about a young woman investigating a terrible mystery by rummaging through piles of miscellaneous objects and solving very simple inventory puzzles. I mean, of<i> course</i> that’s what I ended up with. That description covers about ninety-five percent of this genre.<br />
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Oh that Maniac the Storyteller, always on the prowl, staging elaborate murders with a fairytale theme. The top-right picture shows someone killed by a (presumably) poisoned apple, so that’ll be Snow White, and at the bottom-left you’ve got poor old Cinderella, beaten to death with a glass slipper. Or a Pyrex slipper, at least. You’d think you’d need the extra durability. This convenient exposition newspaper is sitting on the table of our protagonist, a young lady who goes unnamed, as far as I’m aware. She’s just returned home from a date with her boyfriend Kevin, when suddenly an ominous voice begins to speak to her…<br />
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Wow, I bet The Storyteller couldn’t believe his luck when he was out looking for potential fairytale murder victims and he spotted someone dressed as Red Riding Hood. That’s, like, half the prep done already! The other half is wrestling a live wolf into a grandmother’s clothes.<br />
Kevin has been kidnapped as bait, in order to lure Red Riding Hood to the cemetery on the edge of town. She must really like this Kevin fella, because she doesn’t stop to call the police or anything; she just hops straight into her car and gets going.<br />
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Just as she arrives, a dog jumps out into the road, causing Red to swerve to a halt. The dog then<i> steals her car keys</i>. No, bad dog, down. The Storyteller must have sprung for obedience lessons, too. This seems like a lead we should tell the cops about, get them to check all the nearby dog training schools for suspicious characters, but there’s no time for that now. Red is all alone at the cemetery with no wheels and a well-trained guard dog watching her from behind the graveyard gate, and that’s when the game begins.<br />
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I called <i>Red Riding Hood</i> a hidden object game, but that’s not really accurate. There <i>are</i> hidden object scenes, but they only make up about thirty percent of the gameplay, with the rest involving travelling around the various screens of the game, solving puzzles that are either actual, you know,<i> puzzles</i>, or are inventory-based roadblocks that are solved by using the correct item in the correct place. For example, here we need to get the car keys back from the dog because if the dog then takes the car out joyriding and crashes it there’s no way the insurance company is going to accept “a dog stole my keys” on the claim form. You might notice that there’s a big, juicy bone right in front of the dog, so you pick that up and then give it to the dog. The dog then drops the keys but they’re out of reach behind the gate, so you have to rummage in the bushes until you find a long stick that can reach the keys. Congratulations, you’ve solved the first of <i>Red Riding Hood</i>’s many, many extremely simple inventory puzzles.<br />
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Waiting in the boot of your car is the first of the game’s hidden object scenes, and I’m sure you know how this works. Check the list of items at the bottom of the screen, find said items in the jumbled mess of Red’s absolutely filthy car and click on them. Once you’ve found them all the scene is completed and you’re rewarded with a useful item – in this case, some bolt cutters you can use to get through the cemetery gate. I know the list says “wire cutters,” but it means the bolt cutters. Red refused to take either the crowbar or the knife, apparently feeling very confident in her hand-to-hand combat abilities in the event of a serial killer attack. Let’s also hope no-one ever rear-ends her car, because between the can of petrol and the gas canister there’d be little left but a burning crater.<br />
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The Storyteller peeks out of the abandoned church’s doorway, perhaps suddenly concerned that Red wouldn’t be able to figure out how to get through the locked gate. “What if the dog runs away with the keys? All my elaborate planning will be wasted, countless hours spent watching all the <i>Saw</i> movies all for naught! Oh no, wait, there she is.”<br />
I’m not going to show you every little thing that happens in <i>Cruel Games: Red Riding Hood</i>, because this article would take forever to finish if I did. Instead we’ll be looking at some highlights, one of which is the background art. It’s definitely got the Halloween mood now that we’re into the cemetery, even if the game doesn’t have an outright Halloween <i>theme</i>. You can’t go wrong with crumbling tombstones and dilapidated churches, really.<br />
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For whatever reason, part of The Storyteller’s sinister plan involves Red collecting a bunch of extremely ugly garden gnomes. This one looks like a wizard that fell face-first onto a belt sander. The purpose of these gnomes will become apparent later in the game, but until then let’s hope there’s a puzzle where I need to frighten a small child because I’ve got that covered.<br />
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Like the protagonist of almost every spooky hidden object game I’ve ever played, Red responds to being placed in a nightmarish life-or-death struggle by becoming extremely fussy about cleanliness. Here, for example, she refuses to wipe away some cobwebs with her bare hands. This means I have to spend fifteen minutes searching for a rag because Red doesn’t think to use the sleeve of her coat or a handful of leaves or something. It could at least have had venomous spiders all over it or something, and a solution that involve fashioning a crude flamethrower.<br />
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Here’s an example of one of <i>Red Riding Hood</i>’s non-inventory-based puzzles, where you have to play Beethoven’s <i>Fur Elise</i> on a church organ. Well, seven notes of <i>Fur Elise</i>, anyway. I’m no classical music expert, but I don’t think that’s the entire composition. It’s not a terrible puzzle, and it comes down to trial-and-error as you test each key and try to remember what order they go in – and if you’re not enjoying it, you can wait a minute or so and then skip the puzzle entirely. My problem with it is that it’s yet another example of the piano / keyboard / organ being the only kind of instrument that gets to be a puzzle in videogames. I know keyboards are basically rows of buttons so it makes sense, but surely we can mix it up a<i> little?</i> Brass instruments also have keys. I want a puzzle where you open a secret passageway by playing <i>Flight of the Bumblebee</i> on a tuba.<br />
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Having made it into the crypt, Red uncovers a terrifying sight: Kevin has been transformed into a wooden mannequin! Or it’s a mannequin dressed in Kevin’s clothes. That seems more likely, actually. There are also directions to a motel room. Red still refuses to involve law enforcement. Maybe it’s because I’m a coward, but I think I’d declare Kevin a lost cause at this point.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mMklzptzVts/W8DCLwu48TI/AAAAAAAAfvE/Jni5xgp9F2U4nkmz3IkdFAOVfq-UQA_CACLcBGAs/s1600/rr12.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mMklzptzVts/W8DCLwu48TI/AAAAAAAAfvE/Jni5xgp9F2U4nkmz3IkdFAOVfq-UQA_CACLcBGAs/s640/rr12.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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Red’s got more gumption than me, however, and she drives to the motel. Her bad luck with cars strikes once again as she immediately gets a flat tyre when she arrives, so for the time being we’re stuck in this dreary, run-down motel in the middle of nowhere – a situation that might be even more upsetting than the whole game-playing serial murderer thing.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4JZqSyF0bwc/W8DCLzntT4I/AAAAAAAAfvA/BQ4ZofOuJpMoMMFYNjro9yrZM-5MjMNdwCLcBGAs/s1600/rr13.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4JZqSyF0bwc/W8DCLzntT4I/AAAAAAAAfvA/BQ4ZofOuJpMoMMFYNjro9yrZM-5MjMNdwCLcBGAs/s640/rr13.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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The motel area is more expansive than I was expecting, with plenty of different screens to scour for useful items and garden gnomes. Thankfully you can travel between the different areas by selecting them from the map rather than having to walk between them. It’s a welcome time-saver, as is the exclamation point that shows you which screens have an active objective available.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-PG2XeWI-Dbg/W8DCMKJQG0I/AAAAAAAAfvI/c91Z2CixhtMUR3tG3sTKL9i5K7TjhRzQQCLcBGAs/s1600/rr14.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-PG2XeWI-Dbg/W8DCMKJQG0I/AAAAAAAAfvI/c91Z2CixhtMUR3tG3sTKL9i5K7TjhRzQQCLcBGAs/s640/rr14.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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My favourite puzzle in this area is the self-appointed guardian of the biker bar, who won’t let you in unless you’re wearing something made of black leather. George RR Martin here is pretty relaxed about the whole thing, and he doesn’t specify so presumably <i>any</i> black leather item will do. Should have taken your driving gloves out of the car, Red. Also, I know it’s supposed to be a filthy biker dive but you’d think the Hell’s Angels would have something to say about someone coming in and writing threatening messages in blood on the walls. Having said that, The Storyyteller did appear to be wearing a leather jacket so I guess he can do as he pleases.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-h3hMnuKDcKo/W8DCMgNYNrI/AAAAAAAAfvM/MUBOcPne-qgcRnkQGf4vz_vyoYepfGI0wCLcBGAs/s1600/rr15.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-h3hMnuKDcKo/W8DCMgNYNrI/AAAAAAAAfvM/MUBOcPne-qgcRnkQGf4vz_vyoYepfGI0wCLcBGAs/s640/rr15.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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The item you need is this leather jacket, which you’ll find in this hidden object scene. Not that it’s exactly “hidden,” is it? The hidden object scenes in <i>Red Riding Hood</i> aren’t bad, overall. They skew towards the easier end of the spectrum, but they don’t use the bullshit tricks of the less competent examples of the genre like changing items to be unnatural colours or making them semi-transparent. A something of a connoisseur of these things, he says as he accepts his fate as a sad, lonely person, I’d say <i>Red Riding Hood</i>’s hidden object scenes are bang in the middle in terms of challenge and not being frustrating nonsense.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ClNQLeOd1x4/W8DCM1SvbLI/AAAAAAAAfvQ/S6gbDJqXuAo2owvFfRnTfM5gXoIAUIMcQCLcBGAs/s1600/rr16.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ClNQLeOd1x4/W8DCM1SvbLI/AAAAAAAAfvQ/S6gbDJqXuAo2owvFfRnTfM5gXoIAUIMcQCLcBGAs/s640/rr16.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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What else is going on around the motel? Well, the key to the room snapped off in the lock, and the motel owner refuses to fix it unless you pay him. It’s a shame this guy isn’t voice acted, because there’s no way he <i>wouldn’t</i> have the thick New Jersey accent of a rarely-seen soldier in Tony Soprano’s crew. It turns out that you have to pay this guy by winning the jackpot of the fruit machine in the biker bar, and walking into this guy’s office and saying “oh, you want paying? Here’s your goddamn money!” before pouring a sack full of twenty pence coins all over his desk feels like a fitting revenge for his pettiness.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-txfnF7xVsIk/W8DCM_vU1iI/AAAAAAAAfvU/R0KQWH_TU-YbCeK8F0RfSlDalWu8xeYJQCLcBGAs/s1600/rr17.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-txfnF7xVsIk/W8DCM_vU1iI/AAAAAAAAfvU/R0KQWH_TU-YbCeK8F0RfSlDalWu8xeYJQCLcBGAs/s640/rr17.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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Red <i>really</i> hates touching cobwebs. The worst thing about this scene is that I own an identical-looking feather duster, and seeing it here made me look around and realise that shit, I should really do some dusting. I went to get my feather duster, and it had cobwebs on it. Is that irony? I think that’s irony. Or slovenliness.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ijvgCqX5Z2M/W8DCNIBG4XI/AAAAAAAAfvY/dZFY3g9U4s46pe6hzFWQ0zL1-EWReavJQCLcBGAs/s1600/rr18.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ijvgCqX5Z2M/W8DCNIBG4XI/AAAAAAAAfvY/dZFY3g9U4s46pe6hzFWQ0zL1-EWReavJQCLcBGAs/s640/rr18.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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One thing I’ll give <i>Cruel Games: Red Riding Hood</i> genuine praise for is Red’s journal. You can bring it up whenever you like, and not only does it keep track of your various objectives and the clues you’ve uncovered, it’s also full of these charming little doodles. This is obviously the best page of the lot, because that’s definitely supposed to be a picture of Mulder and Scully, right? Well, Mulder, anyway. The other agent’s face is so lightly sketched that it could be anyone. I also appreciate that Red took the time to celebrate gaining membership to the yacht blue by drawing a gift-wrapped yacht. Oh, hey, I’ve been calling her Red but it says right there that her name is Alice Burnheart. I think I’ll stick with Red, I feel like we’ve established enough of a rapport for a nickname to be appropriate.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-WrJzyvxNn0M/W8DCNlJxGrI/AAAAAAAAfvg/GSIo0IjMuBEhNxTRyf4OPppkRToERFSRQCLcBGAs/s1600/rr19.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-WrJzyvxNn0M/W8DCNlJxGrI/AAAAAAAAfvg/GSIo0IjMuBEhNxTRyf4OPppkRToERFSRQCLcBGAs/s640/rr19.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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Wow, Jason Voorhees really isn’t trying any more, is he? I know horror remakes are rarely better than the originals, but this is ridiculous.<br />
By this point in the game, Red’s goal is to get a yacht working so she can travel across some water to an abandoned casino that The Storyteller is using as a hideout. To this end you have to explore a spooky lighthouse, brave an unnerving jetty and look through, erm, an evil telescope? No, wait, it’s just a normal telescope. It doesn’t even have boot polish smeared around the eyepiece, what a wasted opportunity. Don’t forget to grab the baseball bat that the bootleg Jason is holding. You’ll need it to smash through the yacht’s window so you can get inside. Red was carrying a hammer earlier, but she discarded it after fixing a broken ladder. Oh well, hindsight is twenty-twenty and all that.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1hkv__OUtoM/W8DCNkBF2wI/AAAAAAAAfwo/CSrUbFlAk-00SEv0r4zQ8avTG6PnAsInQCEwYBhgL/s1600/rr20.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="359" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1hkv__OUtoM/W8DCNkBF2wI/AAAAAAAAfwo/CSrUbFlAk-00SEv0r4zQ8avTG6PnAsInQCEwYBhgL/s640/rr20.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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The mission to steal a yacht is, I’m sad to say, by far the least spooky segment of the game. What do yachts make you think of? That’s right: sunny beaches, wealthy jackasses in polo shirts, Duran Duran videos. None of those things are especially frightening, and in general I’d say it’s quite difficult for a yacht to be spooky. Could have chucked a few pumpkins in there or something, though.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_HGH8MF_wts/W8DCNw97DtI/AAAAAAAAfvk/yhZywcSdmxkrtmYotJI6E37d8eCIR6KeQCLcBGAs/s1600/rr21.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_HGH8MF_wts/W8DCNw97DtI/AAAAAAAAfvk/yhZywcSdmxkrtmYotJI6E37d8eCIR6KeQCLcBGAs/s640/rr21.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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Here we are at the abandoned casino / French château. I don’t know whether that carriage is supposed to be part of The Storyteller’s whole fairytale theme or if the Casino was themed around the French aristocracy, but the same kind of gameplay awaits us here as in the rest of the game.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TgyctYqpekM/W8DCON81P4I/AAAAAAAAfvo/qf0EqOXVvVQajHx7b_5wPJGaiotvliBBgCLcBGAs/s1600/rr22.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TgyctYqpekM/W8DCON81P4I/AAAAAAAAfvo/qf0EqOXVvVQajHx7b_5wPJGaiotvliBBgCLcBGAs/s640/rr22.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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“Here at Storyteller’s Discount Mannequin Emporium, we’re Mad, Mad, Mad about Mannequins! Come on down this Saturday for our Maniacal Mannequin Madness event: fifty percent off all mannequins, free ice cream for the kids and the chance to meet our mascot, a mannequin with a crudely-carved human skull for a face! You’d be a real <i>dummy</i> to miss it! Disclaimer: we do not sell dummies, only mannequins.”<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TWJk6sFedzk/W8DCOiliYQI/AAAAAAAAfvs/RWZJzt4ekW8VlLTF06H5TN5OutW5U4SzACLcBGAs/s1600/rr23.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TWJk6sFedzk/W8DCOiliYQI/AAAAAAAAfvs/RWZJzt4ekW8VlLTF06H5TN5OutW5U4SzACLcBGAs/s640/rr23.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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I know in almost any game with inventory puzzles you’re going to get some that test the boundaries of logic and that to keep pointing out those inconsistencies leaves one open to accusations of fun-sucking pedantry, but <i>Red Riding Hood </i>is now definitively taking the piss. You need the item behind this glass case. There’s a hammer <i>on the goddamn cabinet.</i> The solution is to find a screwdriver and carefully remove the screws. Okay, sure, whatever.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-P86Fex6LYFo/W8DCOrjvB9I/AAAAAAAAfvw/CeQMeHJUt2IT11c9NTZ-PQ5blTQz_L7kgCLcBGAs/s1600/rr24.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-P86Fex6LYFo/W8DCOrjvB9I/AAAAAAAAfvw/CeQMeHJUt2IT11c9NTZ-PQ5blTQz_L7kgCLcBGAs/s640/rr24.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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“Daft inventory puzzles” is simply the nature of the genre, and me complaining about them isn’t going to change a genre that is absolutely set in stone. The vast majority of hidden object games play out in the same way, with puzzles that rarely get more complicated than “oh, I’ve found a key, maybe I should use it on that lock I just saw.” Sometime the key is an earthworm and the lock is an aggressive bird guarding a jewel or what-have-you, but you get the idea.<i> Red Riding Hood</i> doesn’t do too bad a job of this aspect of the gameplay I suppose. The biggest issue is that so <i>many </i>usable items are thrown at you that it’s easy to forget what you’ve collected, an issue that is completely negated by the map telling you where any solvable puzzles are located.<br />
I’m in it solely for the hidden object scenes, if I’m honest. I just enjoy them, is all. I’ve yet to come across a hidden object game that matches the purity of both concept and theme found in <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.co.uk/2015/10/halloween-trick-or-treat-pc.html"><i>Halloween Trick or Treat</i></a>, but for messing about for an hour or two at the price of about seventy-nine pence <i>Cruel Games: Red Riding Hood</i> is perfectly fine. I just wish it had more hidden object scenes. I am aware that I am an outlier on this point.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-XI4MsE4utmg/W8DCO5wXCdI/AAAAAAAAfv0/iAoWX0MYvccX6ngFHJNHeoM4RISsWsrpwCLcBGAs/s1600/rr25.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-XI4MsE4utmg/W8DCO5wXCdI/AAAAAAAAfv0/iAoWX0MYvccX6ngFHJNHeoM4RISsWsrpwCLcBGAs/s640/rr25.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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A quick check online tells me that a life-sized artist’s mannequin costs in the region of one thousand dollars. Wedding dresses ain’t cheap, either. This tells me that The Storyteller is wealthy enough to be described as “eccentric” rather than “insane” during the reporting on his court case.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-EptFKYGqAsE/W8DCPYDuXKI/AAAAAAAAfv8/SshkzUYTwhQIZ-MVjpxyuSGNl53YxPmPACLcBGAs/s1600/rr26.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-EptFKYGqAsE/W8DCPYDuXKI/AAAAAAAAfv8/SshkzUYTwhQIZ-MVjpxyuSGNl53YxPmPACLcBGAs/s640/rr26.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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Here’s yet another example of a hidden object game where the main character must have recently treated themselves to an expensive manicure – this pot of standard dirt is an impassable obstacle until you find a trowel to dig with. This exact same scenario popped up in the conspiracy-themed hidden object game <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2016/09/hidden-files-echoes-of-jfk-pc.html"><i>Echoes of JFK</i></a> and I’m sure I’ve seen it in at least one other HOG I’ve played recently, too. Let’s hope The Storyteller hasn’t already buried Kevin in a shallow grave or he’ll be in real trouble.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-aT0c-mNtLmM/W8DCPBMB63I/AAAAAAAAfv4/YeW9sK0Ojncb3ZgngS_Nr42r7OKDD56ugCLcBGAs/s1600/rr27.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-aT0c-mNtLmM/W8DCPBMB63I/AAAAAAAAfv4/YeW9sK0Ojncb3ZgngS_Nr42r7OKDD56ugCLcBGAs/s640/rr27.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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Then Red (literally) stumbles over a tranquillizer gun that someone has shoved under a rug. I’ll take it - it’s about time I had a bit of luck.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-t58lWGasUek/W8DCPSoe25I/AAAAAAAAfwA/05EZTv1kWH8ugJqfYZ9H6ayHDlWO90kpACLcBGAs/s1600/rr28.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-t58lWGasUek/W8DCPSoe25I/AAAAAAAAfwA/05EZTv1kWH8ugJqfYZ9H6ayHDlWO90kpACLcBGAs/s640/rr28.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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Do you think the Red Riding Hood doll has an inferiority complex about being placed alongside these Disney superstars? Frankly I’m surprised that the developers were willing to pay for the license to use actual Disney characters, wow, that must have been expensive!<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-89VerU6Qykc/W8DCPjgvnLI/AAAAAAAAfwE/2Opaq8SiuwY7z-ZRmSqcVe-75UT0MfWQQCLcBGAs/s1600/rr29.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-89VerU6Qykc/W8DCPjgvnLI/AAAAAAAAfwE/2Opaq8SiuwY7z-ZRmSqcVe-75UT0MfWQQCLcBGAs/s640/rr29.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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Ah, I see, the creepy garden gnomes represent the seven dwarves, although they all appear to be Grumpy. And the one on the middle-right is clearly Gary Busey. The gnomes are the keys that unlock the final door to The Storyteller’s lair, and after solving all the puzzles and clicking on all the hidden objects, it’s time to confront the maniac himself.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1JbJRMajRAQ/W8DCP00hHzI/AAAAAAAAfwI/W068cLRrMPwQ4Nvy09ZR0ssfV6J54lvDACLcBGAs/s1600/rr30.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1JbJRMajRAQ/W8DCP00hHzI/AAAAAAAAfwI/W068cLRrMPwQ4Nvy09ZR0ssfV6J54lvDACLcBGAs/s640/rr30.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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I have given Red some stick for her strange priorities and the fussiness that saw her apply only very specific items to each problem she faced, but her character is entirely redeemed in the final scene: with no hesitation or attempt at establishing a dialogue, she whips out the tranquillizer gun and shoots The Storyteller right in the back. That <i>proactive</i>, that is.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-HoXgsbZj2DA/W8DCQKPHvjI/AAAAAAAAfwM/6Usf1WmDLj8JUaG7_nptZ9moN8gTljhqACLcBGAs/s1600/rr31.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-HoXgsbZj2DA/W8DCQKPHvjI/AAAAAAAAfwM/6Usf1WmDLj8JUaG7_nptZ9moN8gTljhqACLcBGAs/s640/rr31.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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It’s Kevin, unconscious and resting in an elaborate coffin. All that’s left is to wave some ammonia under his nose and we’ll be free of this fairytale nightmare. I’m sure Red’s already thinking about heading back to that biker bar for a celebratory drink, maybe going out for another spin in that yacht she nicked. She's a rebel, a renegade.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mbXHtSFtPjE/W8DCQbwCGNI/AAAAAAAAfwQ/Y_WZ1T23uEwPw-JCceL1YsePgjMP48WqQCLcBGAs/s1600/rr32.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mbXHtSFtPjE/W8DCQbwCGNI/AAAAAAAAfwQ/Y_WZ1T23uEwPw-JCceL1YsePgjMP48WqQCLcBGAs/s640/rr32.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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But wait – it turns out that Kevin was the killer all along! Who could have seen this plot twist coming, in a game with only two named characters?<i> I</i> was certainly caught by surprise. No, I’m being sarcastic. So who did Red just shoot? If you said “a mannequin,” then congratulations, you’ve been playing attention.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-6fLuLi-iwUg/W8DCQpU0gEI/AAAAAAAAfwY/AG48OzqOlCs3zgqlWcfKgwteWONM7auSQCLcBGAs/s1600/rr33.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-6fLuLi-iwUg/W8DCQpU0gEI/AAAAAAAAfwY/AG48OzqOlCs3zgqlWcfKgwteWONM7auSQCLcBGAs/s640/rr33.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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Luckily, Red still has the tranquillizer gun. Probably should have checked that before you started menacing her, Kev. Red shoots her erstwhile boyfriend again, he slumps to the ground, presumably ruing his decision to sweep the gun under a rug rather than tidying up properly, and<i> Cruel Games: Red Riding Hood</i> draws to a close.<br />
I think I’ve already covered how I feel about this one during the course of the article, but here’s a summary: it’s okay. The hidden object scenes aren’t bad, although they could do with being more numerous and maybe a little more taxing. The minigames and inventory puzzles are, again, okay. Personally I found Red’s reluctance to keep hold of items or touch cobwebs endearingly dumb rather than annoying or “unimmersive,” and it was a glitch-free, coherent experience. That’s not always a given with these hidden object games, let me tell you.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-k-W0-vnjN4c/W8DCQiJW0YI/AAAAAAAAfwU/Zx6U_8eBpyoJxh9gfCkgrmyANrKw8NHPwCLcBGAs/s1600/rr34.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1366" height="358" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-k-W0-vnjN4c/W8DCQiJW0YI/AAAAAAAAfwU/Zx6U_8eBpyoJxh9gfCkgrmyANrKw8NHPwCLcBGAs/s640/rr34.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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Oh, and there’s one final twist when a nurse brings Red a big teddy bear while she’s recuperating in hospital. It seems that The Storyteller is still out there, biding his time, waiting for a chance to once again terrify the helpless by infringing on Disney copyrights. If <i>Cruel Games: Red Riding Hood</i> does get a sequel, I will probably play it. I’m not sure whether that’s an endorsement of this game or just a reflection on me personally.<br />
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A tricky one for the Halloween-O-Meter to rate, because it’s spookosity levels vary so wildly from area to area. It gets a seven as sort of an average, because while the graveyard and the casino definitely have that Halloween flavour there’s nothing scary about a marina besides the fees they charge to park your yacht.<br />
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<b>Recently on VGJUNK:</b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/10/castlevania-order-of-shadows-mobile.html">A classic franchise shoved onto mobile phones with<i> Castlevania: Order of Shadows! </i></a><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/10/seikima-ii-akuma-no-gyakushuu-famicom.html">Rescuing a devil-worshipping band in <i>Seikima II: Akuma no Gyakushuu!</i></a><b> </b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/10/spooky-computer-game-covers-part-ii.html">Spooky Computer Game Covers, Part II!</a><b> </b></div>
VGJUNKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10847169968000988460noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1129376554965074880.post-48225102486454543832018-10-09T10:35:00.001-07:002018-10-24T07:13:21.258-07:00CASTLEVANIA: ORDER OF SHADOWS (MOBILE)It’s hard to know what the future holds for the venerable <i>Castlevania </i>franchise. Konami themselves seem content to do nothing but re-release <i>Symphony of the Night</i> over and over again, former franchise head Iga has the just-about-legally-distinct <i>Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night</i> on the way and there’s the Netflix cartoon, but for honest-to-goodness<i> Castlevania games?</i> Who knows when we’ll see another. But this is the Halloween season and I want to try a <i>Castlevania</i> game that I’ve never played before, goddamnit – and that leaves me with only one option. It’s time for the 2007 game for mobile phones,<i> Castlevania: Order of Shadows!</i><br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-0cDUxyeb7wY/W7zjMkuNLhI/AAAAAAAAfrw/5BUldC8jiYsYCIPbZUvKC6z2SNOsMQZEgCLcBGAs/s1600/co01.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="636" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-0cDUxyeb7wY/W7zjMkuNLhI/AAAAAAAAfrw/5BUldC8jiYsYCIPbZUvKC6z2SNOsMQZEgCLcBGAs/s1600/co01.png" /></a></div>
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That’s right, back in the day you could pay about six bucks to download a <i>Castlevania</i> adventure created specifically for mobile phones, with a whole new plot and cast and everything. I say “new cast,” obviously Dracula and Death are in it. However, because this is the year 2018 I couldn’t just play <i>Castlevania: Order of Shadows</i> on my phone. Instead I had to go through a lot of faffing about to get it running well enough to play all the way through, a process that involved visiting shady Java download websites, wrangling various setting into place and, eventually, resorting to playing the bloody thing on my ancient laptop. That’s the laptop that I wrote the first ever VGJunk articles on, and it was old<i> then.</i> I had to have a desk fan blowing on it stop it from overheating. In retrospect, <i>Castlevania: Order of Shadows</i> was not worth the effort.<br />
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The all-expenses-spared prologue fills you in on the backstory to this latest climactic battle of good versus evil. A dark, sinister order – an order of shadows, if you like – are planning to resurrect Dracula, and a Belmont must head out and whip them until they stop doing that. It is not exactly a story that breaks the mould established by previous <i>Castlevania</i> games.<br />
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Here is the Belmont in question. His name is Desmond Belmont, and he’s assisted by his two sisters Zoe and Dolores. Desmond has inherited both the sacred monster-slaying mission of the Belmont clan and their curious posture, where arms are forever bent at the elbow and they walk in mighty strides. He’s also very orange. It makes him easier to see against the dark backgrounds, and I suppose that would be helpful if you were playing this on a mobile phone.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-nuWc7NoU8CE/W7zjNaXIsBI/AAAAAAAAfr4/oxx5UN6KGDYfFPQro_1RlpGlBQDAjh5awCLcBGAs/s1600/co04.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="478" data-original-width="640" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-nuWc7NoU8CE/W7zjNaXIsBI/AAAAAAAAfr4/oxx5UN6KGDYfFPQro_1RlpGlBQDAjh5awCLcBGAs/s1600/co04.png" /></a></div>
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The action begins and hey, this<i> is</i> a <i>Castlevania</i> game! I’m in a hallway, there's a candle with a heart inside, I’m about to whip a zombie that’s waving its hands in the air like it just don’t care. It doesn’t get much more <i>Castlevania</i>-y than that. The gameplay in <i>C:OoS</i> will be immediately familiar to anyone who’s played a<i> Castlevania</i> game in the past, with Desmond making his way through a variety of locations, whipping monsters and using his stiff-legged jumping “skills” to clamber between platforms. You control the game using either the number pad keys or the little joystick-nub-thing that many mobile phones of the time had, with the main differences from real <i>Castlevania</i> games being that you press up to jump, rather than a button. This means that using your subweapon involves pressing a<i> separate </i>button, because up is reserved for jumping.<br />
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That’s right, there are subweapons – I managed to find the cross and the axe early on. They’re a little… strange. For starters, they’re far weaker than they used to be, with the cross taking three or four hits to defeat enemies that can be slain far more easily with a single flick of the whip. Oh, and the axe travels horizontally, rather than in the usual arc you’d see in traditional <i>Castlevania</i> games. The biggest departure from the familiar subweapon system is that you can carry more than one subweapon at a time. In fact, once you’ve grabbed them, you’ve got them <i>forever</i>, and you can change which one you have active by equipping it via the game’s pause menu. That’s an interesting feature, and after playing lots of <i>Castlevania</i> games where a chunk of the challenge came from actively avoiding certain subweapons I’m kinda glad of its inclusion.<br />
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After breezing through the early corridors, Desmond finds himself in the bone pit. You know, where they store all the bones. Is this like an assembly lines for skeletons? There are definitely skeletons around, you can see a pair of bony legs at the top the screenshot above. I suppose it’d be more like a scrapyard for skeletons, really. If you’re looking for a spare scapula from a 1758 Transylvania Peasant, this is where you’d come.<br />
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Slightly further on, and now we’re platforming thorough a series of caves while skeletons throw bones at us. “So, how’s that going?” you might ask, and the answer is the kind of low, throaty moan you might make if you unexpectedly stepped in something soft with no shoes on. You might not be surprised to hear this, but <i>Castlevania: Order of Shadows</i> is not the most enjoyable game to actually <i>play.</i> It’s leaden and ponderous, with Desmond lashing out his whip so slowly the only conclusion is that he’s trying to tickle his foes to death. Jumping is equally awkward, particularly when trying to avoid enemy attacks: pressing up will sometimes make Desmond jump straight upwards, as you’d expect, but then at <i>other </i>times it makes him jump diagonally <i>forwards</i> in the direction he’s facing. For the life of me I never figured out what triggered which jump, and that made the game’s (thankfully not-too-taxing otherwise) jumping sections a real chore. If you’re walking forwards and hit the attack button, you have let go of the movement key and then press it again before Desmond will resume walking after the attack, further slowing down the action. Desmond’s hitbox is not so much a box as a goddamn circus tent, with you taking damage from enemies that aren’t in the same sodding postcode, never mind touching you. All in all, the gameplay is bad. Did I get that across? And don't forget I'm playing this on a keyboard, so god only knows how it felt on a phone.<br />
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The first boss is the Order Knight, an armoured chap with disproportionately tiny legs and a pair of big swords. Oh, and he can throw daggers that are basically unavoidable thanks to to the lag on the controls. I tried throwing my own projectile weapons at the boss, but they do very little damage so in the end I had to go toe-to-toe with the knight, hoping that he’d run out of health before I did.<br />
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It didn’t go great. “Well, you really ballsed that up,” says Death as he drifts down from the top of the screen to claim Desmond’s immortal soul. Admittedly this is neat death animation, with a nice sprite of capital-D Death that’s clearly not up to the graphical level of <i>Symphony of the Night</i> but possesses its own bony charm.<br />
Also nice is the fact that running out of health is essentially meaningless in this game. You hit continue and you’re dropped back at the start of the screen you died on with a full health bar. This time when I whipped the knight it <i>did</i> run out of health before me, so that’s the first area complete.<br />
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Defeating the knight grants Desmond access to the back dash. Don’t believe the lies of that description, it is not useful for anything. The most interesting thing about the back dash is that, hey, what’s the first thing you’re going to do when you’re given a new move? You’re going to try it out, right? So I backdashed on the first screen of the new area and I backdashed <i>off</i> the screen and into the previous boss arena. Thankfully I didn’t have to fight the knight again. But hey, <i>C:OoS</i> has backtracking! It’s a Metroidvania! No, it is not. There’s one place in the game where you might have to revisit an earlier area. As much as this game wants you to think it’s cut from the same cloth as <i>Symphony of the Night</i>, with its collectable weapons and ability to travel back to previously-cleared areas, in reality it’s a very linear game. You <i>do</i> get experience points and level up as you play, but it seems to have a very minor effect on the gameplay aside from raising Desmond’s maximum health.<br />
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Pressing ever onwards, Desmond negotiates a crumbling waterway and faces some fleamen, one of <i>Castlevania</i>’s most hated monsters due to their erratic bouncing movements. I’ll admit I was worried. How was I going to avoid these capering bastards when Desmond has all the grace and agility of a suitcase full of bricks? It turned out not to be a problem, because Desmond’s whip stays extended for a long time and the fleaman were perfectly willing to jump straight into it and die. I think the one pictured above was the closest a fleaman ever got to me.<br />
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Also starring in this stage are these familiar witches. Sadly they do not turn into cats and run away when you defeat them like they do in <i>Symphony of the Night.</i> I know, I know, there are a lot of limitations thanks to this being a mobile game, but still.<br />
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The rest of the stage comprises a tedious slog through the kind of barren, grey rooms you can see above. The occasional bat flutters past, disinterested in the entire sorry affair. I tried to hit some of the bats with my new secondary weapon, the Platinum Blade. Unusually for the series,<i> C:OoS</i> features subweapons that are melee rather than projectile attacks: in this case, the Platinum Blade allows you to sweep a sword in front of you. I think it’s supposed to be weaker than your whip but faster to activate, but the range advantage of the whip is so important that almost all of the close-range subweapons are a waste of hearts.<br />
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Pictured above is another strange aspect of the gameplay engine. Desmond is standing next to a slightly raised block, and he wants to jump up there but it’s tricky with the fixed-trajectory <i>Castlevania </i>jumps. Instead you just have to jump upwards. You’d think that’d cause you to travel straight upwards and then land in the same spot…<br />
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...but you actually land “on” the platform above, with this somehow counting as Desmond standing on the platform. Is an unintended quirk of the engine, or was it included intentionally to make it a bit easier to get around? I have no idea, but if for some reason you decide to play this game then I recommend making the most of it.<br />
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The boss is two bats. Big bats, granted, but still just bats. I sure wish that the axe in this game arced upwards when you throw it. I’m kidding, of course: just use the whip. It really is all you need.<br />
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Are they, though? Because I’m not really seeing any difficulty curve at all in this game. A difficulty plain, maybe. A plateau of challenge. I was going to say that the twin bats were actually easier to defeat than the Order Knight, but I was making that first battle more challenging for myself by trying to avoid the boss’ attacks when I should have just stood there and furiously whipped away like a Pharaoh trying to get his pyramid built ahead of schedule.<br />
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The beginning of the next stage is no more interesting than the end of the last, with more extremely simple platforming and backgrounds for which the concept art must have been a picture of someone shrugging non-committally. Not wanting to be outdone by the bats, some Medusa Heads put in a shift as this area’s lazy, unthreatening hazard. <br />
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Then I got a few screens further in and this minotaur flattened me in seconds. This took me by surprise, because every other enemy in the game thus far has done negligible amounts of damage if they somehow managed to slip past my whip, whereas the minotaur can kill Desmond in three hits and barely takes any damage from your attacks. My experience playing other <i>Castlevania</i> games told me that the best strategy would be to bait out the minotaur’s attacks, especially his dashing attack, and then hit him while he recovers – but this strategy proved useless because the minotaur’s hitboxes are seemingly made up on the fly and bear no connection to the position of either the minotaur or his axe.<br />
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In the end I toughed it out by eating all the health-restoring chicken legs that I’d squirrelled away in my inventory and whipping repeatedly, and my reward was… the Crissaegrim? The most powerful weapon in <i>Symphony of the Night</i>, a whirling vortex of blades that transforms the wielder into a cross between a ribbon-waving gymnast and a combine harvester? Yes, <i>that</i> Crissaegrim. Except in <i>C:OoS</i> it’s a subweapon that gives you a medium-strength, short range attack as Desmond swings the blade once. The saddest thing is that this is probably the <i>best</i> subweapon.<br />
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It turned out that beyond the minotaur was a dead end, so I had to go back a little and start exploring these underground caves. Skeleton archers are the new threat here, but to balance things out there are suddenly magic spells dropping from every other candle. You can see one in use above, the Firestorm spell that drops a carpet of lingering flames from the sky. They’re all single-use items as opposed to the equippable subweapons, but there are quite a lot spells to collect, from simple projectile attacks to projectile-repelling barriers and even limited invulnerability. You might think these spells would hammer the final nail into the subweapons’ coffin, but the problem is that you have to get into the right position, pause the game, scroll down to the inventory, select your spell and<i> then</i> use it. This rather takes you out of the game, and <i>C:OoS</i> is already such a slow, plodding experience that spending twenty seconds navigating menus just to throw a fireball at a bat is a ludicrous proposition.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-xI57aMWvT2o/W7zjR90RlVI/AAAAAAAAftA/rTzc2-E6Xv4QcFEagSeqFsBWytQbmtTMgCLcBGAs/s1600/co22.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="482" data-original-width="640" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-xI57aMWvT2o/W7zjR90RlVI/AAAAAAAAftA/rTzc2-E6Xv4QcFEagSeqFsBWytQbmtTMgCLcBGAs/s1600/co22.png" /></a></div>
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Waiting at the bottom is Medusa. <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1NJ0KkmwgEo">She’s staring at you, with her eyes</a>. She can indeed turn Desmond to stone with a glance, but he gets over it fairly quickly and Medusa’s sword has nothing like the range of your whip, so it ends up being a rather one-sided battle. Far more interesting is that victim in the background. It seems that at some point in the past Medusa managed to defeat <i>Simon Belmont</i>. Given that Medusa is easily beaten by Desmond – an arthritic, shambling warrior whose whip-arm travels with all the power of Ratty from <i>Wind in the Willows</i> rowing his little boat – there must be something more to that statue. Maybe it <i>is </i>a statue, carved to commemorate Simon Belmont’s many victories, and Medusa grabbed it so that people would think she overpowered the famous vampire killer. If it <i>is </i>Simon Belmont, let’s hope he stays petrified, because the alternative is dying from embarrassment.<br />
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The reward for beating Medusa was the double jump ability, so now I can travel back to where I fought the minotaur and jump to the high platform that leads onwards. Oh, and I found a fire whip. That’s nice.<br />
The next zone is more of the same, with the faintest hint of a maze-like layout half-heartedly dribbled on top. There are a few places where if you fall down you have to climb up a few screens to get back to where you were, and if you think that sounds like pointless filler then you’re absolutely correct.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9sP_KN9T9eg/W7zjSsVkNzI/AAAAAAAAftI/ZZ1J4-0N9xQhN-7ZSLwcnXmpMf2ktiEyQCLcBGAs/s1600/co24.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="482" data-original-width="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9sP_KN9T9eg/W7zjSsVkNzI/AAAAAAAAftI/ZZ1J4-0N9xQhN-7ZSLwcnXmpMf2ktiEyQCLcBGAs/s1600/co24.png" /></a></div>
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For all its flaws, and they are numerous, <i>Castlevania: Order of Shadows </i>features huge ghosts that take the form of spectral skulls and float around menacingly and thus deserves some measure of our affection. Granted, there’s not much else a giant ghost skull <i>can</i> do besides float around menacingly, and again they don’t look as good as their<i> Symphony of the Night</i> counterparts, but I’m still very pleased to see them.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-h1jTxF_GjfE/W7zjSxHUbbI/AAAAAAAAftM/s8gWpQhFpaAsPCZG8pudHnfrEsUBbGRrwCLcBGAs/s1600/co25.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="482" data-original-width="640" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-h1jTxF_GjfE/W7zjSxHUbbI/AAAAAAAAftM/s8gWpQhFpaAsPCZG8pudHnfrEsUBbGRrwCLcBGAs/s1600/co25.png" /></a></div>
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This hooded chap is Rohan Krause, the latest in a long line of people hoping to be Dracula's alarm clock. He also killed Desmond’s parents, so this time <i>it’s personal</i>. I’m trying really hard to care, I swear.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-4RIDdedxMR4/W7zjTD7uLqI/AAAAAAAAftQ/E3mn5pNFNHsWbPOI8Gtk0WmFAJC30wbaQCLcBGAs/s1600/co26.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="484" data-original-width="644" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-4RIDdedxMR4/W7zjTD7uLqI/AAAAAAAAftQ/E3mn5pNFNHsWbPOI8Gtk0WmFAJC30wbaQCLcBGAs/s1600/co26.png" /></a></div>
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Rohan’s a wizard, and he attacks using the same arsenal of spells that Desmond’s been collecting on his travels: here you can see me getting immolated <i>and </i>shot in the back. This is the only time in the game I got any use out of the spells, specifically the “Reflect” spell that provided a barrier that was very temporary but lasted long enough for me to get a bunch of whipping done while Rohan mumbled some incantation or whatever it is wizards do. I did die the first time I tried this battle, but that’s hardly a bad thing – as mentioned previously you just restart the fight with a full health bar, and you have infinite lives. Oh, and pockets full of delicious roast chicken, should you need it.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-xZX7wwq5S5Y/W7zjTfmFLOI/AAAAAAAAftU/nti3p0jTdnI6Pt_r7v46-wvNG4SBqLrKACLcBGAs/s1600/co27.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="638" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-xZX7wwq5S5Y/W7zjTfmFLOI/AAAAAAAAftU/nti3p0jTdnI6Pt_r7v46-wvNG4SBqLrKACLcBGAs/s1600/co27.png" /></a></div>
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But alas, killing Rohan has provided the blood required to resurrect Dracula! This is why the Belmonts should invest in some less-lethal weaponry like, I dunno, rubber throwing knives or a whip with a taser sellotaped to the end. Desmond doesn’t believe Rohan’s claims, but Rohan tells him to venture to Castlevania and see for himself. Oh boy, Castlevania! At last! Surely this is where <i>C:OoS</i> is going to pick up, and I can’t wait to explore the nightmare halls and dank catacombs of Dracula’s castle itself!<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jhgH0p5ADj8/W7zjTtW--II/AAAAAAAAftY/ql9vPXzJQ3U741HCeOG4FuqaDHqxBItGACLcBGAs/s1600/co28.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="479" data-original-width="642" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jhgH0p5ADj8/W7zjTtW--II/AAAAAAAAftY/ql9vPXzJQ3U741HCeOG4FuqaDHqxBItGACLcBGAs/s1600/co28.png" /></a></div>
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Okay, so Castlevania isn’t quite the sprawling labyrinth it used to be. In fact, it’s just a couple of rooms containing a surprisingly large amount of fermented soy beans, plus the iconic staircase leading up to Dracula’s chambers. Making a <i>Castlevania </i>game where you travel to Dracula’s castle and said castle is made up of three monster-free rooms is a bold choice, but I can’t pretend to be disappointed. I’m more than ready for this game to be done with, so let’s go and deal with Dracula.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5nlaJ-Blc84/W7zjT7oHRHI/AAAAAAAAftc/VvYeivxPR1MCyEOVrtYzUlfdpY0A88yqwCLcBGAs/s1600/co29.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="482" data-original-width="640" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5nlaJ-Blc84/W7zjT7oHRHI/AAAAAAAAftc/VvYeivxPR1MCyEOVrtYzUlfdpY0A88yqwCLcBGAs/s1600/co29.png" /></a></div>
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Desmond is very surprised that his actions have helped in Dracula’s resurrection, despite being told five minutes ago that this was the case. He’s a Belmont, too, so it’s not like he should be shocked that Dracula’s up and about. I’m beginning to suspect there’s a reason the other games never include Desmond in the great pantheon of legendary vampire killers.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-MwEylTYfKHM/W7zjUDeTZeI/AAAAAAAAftg/GARrE5aeNikYR16OUfjmlufdxtokfH8qACLcBGAs/s1600/co30.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="479" data-original-width="642" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-MwEylTYfKHM/W7zjUDeTZeI/AAAAAAAAftg/GARrE5aeNikYR16OUfjmlufdxtokfH8qACLcBGAs/s1600/co30.png" /></a></div>
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You know that fight against Dracula’s first form? The one that any <i>Castlevania</i> fan has played through umpteen times before, where Dracula teleports around the screen, popping back to the material realm to throw fireballs? Yeah, it’s that battle again, with a few important changes. One is that you don’t have to whip Dracula in the head to hurt him, any blow will do. I assume this is to counteract that fact that Desmond’s glacial reactions and the abysmal controls make it almost impossible to avoid any of Dracula’s attacks. The other is that you can chow down on fermented soy beans and the one solitary taco in the game to keep your health topped up, and if the mental image of a Belmont pausing mid-Dracula-battle to wolf down a taco doesn’t make you smile then there’s something wrong with you.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HfIYbYWX3FA/W7zjUW3ZsKI/AAAAAAAAftk/568iV2BAo_8E9IaVCa6170iKEn5B3KNLACLcBGAs/s1600/co31.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="482" data-original-width="636" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HfIYbYWX3FA/W7zjUW3ZsKI/AAAAAAAAftk/568iV2BAo_8E9IaVCa6170iKEn5B3KNLACLcBGAs/s1600/co31.png" /></a></div>
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Perhaps feeling slightly embarrassed to be involved with this game, Dracula forgoes his usual second form transformation and goes straight to the “not actually being killed” part of most<i> Castlevania </i>games. The day is saved, Desmond swears that there’ll always be another, more competent Belmont around to stop Dracula and <i>Castlevania: Order of Shadows </i>is over.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-cHPr07gGHWA/W7zjUr-QvKI/AAAAAAAAfto/0e1frsHZ42UeOJI3wVf57kthm02MFGslQCLcBGAs/s1600/co32.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="638" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-cHPr07gGHWA/W7zjUr-QvKI/AAAAAAAAfto/0e1frsHZ42UeOJI3wVf57kthm02MFGslQCLcBGAs/s1600/co32.png" /></a></div>
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You get a bit of epilogue text explaining that Castlevania is still around, and then a picture of Desmond looking at the castle. He seems to be wearing shorts. Look, after a long day of monster-slaying and making the game think you’re standing on a platform when you’re actually levitating nearby, the first thing you’ll want to do is slip into some more comfortable clothes.<br />
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Well, that was a heck of a thing, wasn’t it? It tried, bless it, but <i>Castlevania: Order of Shadows</i> ended up being somehow worse than I expected. On a basic level it’s a real chore to play, with no sense of power behind any of your attacks and none of the relentless, rhythmic aggression of the classic <i>Castlevanias</i>. It seems to be caught in two minds, unable to decide whether it wants to be a more open explore-em-up like <i>Symphony of the Night</i> or a straight-ahead action-platformer, and sadly it fails at both. The controls are awful, the graphics mostly bland and the music – and this is a cardinal sin for a <i>Castlevania</i> game – is terrible. Once you’ve cleared the game you are given the option to switch on “Classic” music, which replaces the soundtrack with music from the original NES <i>Castlevania</i>, but there are two problems with that: coming from a mobile phone it’s a horrible squeaky mess, and to hear it you’d have to play <i>Castlevania: Order of Shadows</i> again. Nobody should have to suffer through that.<br />
Really the only saving grace is that the game is so easy, with the infinite lives and very generous checkpoints. If the game had been any more difficult I doubt I’d have had the willpower to finish it. Not when I was controlling what feels like Pinocchio if he said “I wish I was not quite a real boy.” So, in conclusion, <i>Castlevania: Order of Shadows</i> is a bad game. Probably could have saved myself three and a half thousands words there, huh?<br />
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As for the Halloween-O-Meter, this game was difficult to rank. I mean, it is technically a <i>Castlevania</i> game and that usually means a guaranteed ten out of ten, but because <i>C:OoS </i>is lacking in so many departments I think an eight is the highest I can go. It’s got witches and bats and malevolent hovering skulls, but it’s missing that certain something that would push it higher.<br />
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<b>Recently on VGJUNK:</b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/10/seikima-ii-akuma-no-gyakushuu-famicom.html">Rescuing a devil-worshipping band in <i>Seikima II: Akuma no Gyakushuu!</i></a><b> </b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/10/spooky-computer-game-covers-part-ii.html">Spooky Computer Game Covers, Part II!</a><b> </b><br />
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VGJUNKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10847169968000988460noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1129376554965074880.post-75927584157018161252018-10-05T10:37:00.001-07:002018-10-05T10:37:12.900-07:00SEIKIMA II: AKUMA NO GYAKUSHUU (FAMICOM)They say that heavy metal is the Devil’s music, which I’ve never really understood: Satan is supposed to be the great deceiver, so favouring very loud songs about how great sin is seems like it’d go against his MO. But what do I know? I’m not a theologian. Perhaps for answers we should turn to someone more knowledgeable on such matters, like the star of today’s game - and that game is ISCO’s 1986 Famicom ghost-grabber <i>Seikima II: Akuma no Gyakushuu!</i><br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5I1XP1stsTY/W7efYF9UVbI/AAAAAAAAfpk/gNybpk-eyo8Wovw9s9RVTad_Cz42xRkWgCLcBGAs/s1600/sk01.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5I1XP1stsTY/W7efYF9UVbI/AAAAAAAAfpk/gNybpk-eyo8Wovw9s9RVTad_Cz42xRkWgCLcBGAs/s1600/sk01.png" /></a></div>
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The first part of the title is pronounced “seikimatsu” - “seikima-two,” you see – a pun on the Japanese word meaning “end of the century.” <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seikima-II">Seikima II is also the name of Japanese metal band</a>, and yes, what we’ve got here is a Famicom platformer based on a Japanese metal band.<br />
Seikima II formed in the early eighties and enjoyed a lot of success until 1999 when, in a display of real commitment to their “end of the century” bit, they disbanded at the stroke of midnight as the millennium arrived. Their whole shtick was that they were demonic emissaries from an alternate universe who came to Earth to work as Satan’s hype-men, and they seem to have stuck to this concept rigidly and with a straight face so again, you can’t fault their commitment. Having checked out some of their videos, I think the best description of Seikima II is “Japanese Kiss.” They even had a guitarist called Ace.<br />
You can see the band pictured at the bottom of the title screen. In the centre is Seikima II’s front man and this game’s playable character, Demon Kogure. So, is Kogure out to topple the golden throne of heaven and establish Satan’s dominion over the Earth?<br />
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Of course not, this is a videogame from 1986. Demon Kogure’s task is to rescue all his kidnapped band members. I suppose it makes a change from rescuing princesses.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xBx1o9vdBIQ/W7efY6baOmI/AAAAAAAAfpw/IYAGKgD6HoMVpVVuM6TBrXORQyYl-CbDQCLcBGAs/s1600/sk03.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xBx1o9vdBIQ/W7efY6baOmI/AAAAAAAAfpw/IYAGKgD6HoMVpVVuM6TBrXORQyYl-CbDQCLcBGAs/s1600/sk03.png" /></a></div>
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The first world is a haunted forest. Those logs on the right certainly seem to be haunted by their past regrets, that’s for sure. Demon Kogure is down at the bottom, represented by what I’d say is a rather good sprite. Kogure’s wide slicks of black eye make-up and his towering blonde hair make for an easily-caricatured look, which helps.<br />
As for gameplay,<i> Seikima II</i> is a platformer with a very arcade-y feel. Each world is split into several short zones that are one screen tall and three or four screens wide, and your goal is to<i> collect <b>everything</b></i>. The exits won’t open until Kogure has grabbed every last apple, money bag, severed head and curiously placid upside-down-cross-displaying ghosts. Yep, those ghosts are items rather than enemies, which makes a kind of sense. You’d expect the forces of evil to be on Demon Kogure’s side, after all.<br />
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There are enemies to <i>fight</i>, of course, and in this first world they take forms as diverse as floating moai statues, smiling sea urchins and that most terrifying of all creatures, the remorseless butterfly. Kogure can defeat these foes by chucking rocks at them, because if there’s one thing that says “you’re in control of the demonic vanguard of Beelzebub’s unholy army” it’s throwing pebbles at butterflies. Not quite the devilish powers I was expecting to command, I must confess.<br />
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It didn’t take long to encounter something truly hellish in <i>Seikima II.</i> Unfortunately the nightmare in question is the game’s jumping controls, which were surely concocted by Lucifer himself during a particularly fertile creative period. You press the jump button to jump, which is fair enough, but Kogure’s airborne movements are twitchy and inconsistent to say the least. Holding left or right while jumping performs a sideways hop with very little vertical height, so to jump up to higher platforms – an action that makes up a good eighty percent of the gameplay – you have to hold the button and then press left or right while you’re in mid-air. However, even the faintest contact with an obstacle during your jump cancels your upward momentum and you fall back down. As a result, all the platforming in this game is a constant struggle with the jumping mechanics, with you inevitably using the wrong kind of jump half the time, a problem compounded by the constant waves of respawning enemies and the fact the many of the stages are set up ass a one-way system so if you mess up a jump and fall down you have to trek the long way around rather than just jumping back up to where you fell from. It's difficult to convey how horrible all this feels in words, but if it was a sound that sound would be "<i>huuurggghlle.</i>"<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-QTyJ1IM4gkk/W7efZamC7II/AAAAAAAAfp8/oyCEoSfI-oA1yTGM6zv1ydaUAz9FyO5AQCLcBGAs/s1600/sk06.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-QTyJ1IM4gkk/W7efZamC7II/AAAAAAAAfp8/oyCEoSfI-oA1yTGM6zv1ydaUAz9FyO5AQCLcBGAs/s1600/sk06.png" /></a></div>
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While trying and failing to get a handle on the jumping mechanics, I accidentally touched an ominous hovering eyeball. Normally touching an ominous hovering eyeball results in being stricken by a terrible curse or unintentionally bringing a demon over to our dimension, but in <i>Seikima II</i>’s case it’s a shop. Of course it is. Inside you can use the moneybags you’ve collected to buy red potions that restore some of your health, a knife that upgrades your projectile attack and a guitar. The guitar has no gameplay function, more’s the pity, but you only get the “good” ending if you manage to get all your bandmates’ instruments out of hock.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-PFWmymkCHLU/W7efZZO9a-I/AAAAAAAAfqA/kRrsa4Kh-8kZZFgCaVC_o7NmAtfa7YVhgCLcBGAs/s1600/sk07.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-PFWmymkCHLU/W7efZZO9a-I/AAAAAAAAfqA/kRrsa4Kh-8kZZFgCaVC_o7NmAtfa7YVhgCLcBGAs/s1600/sk07.png" /></a></div>
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Despite the best efforts of the jumping mechanic to convince me otherwise, <i>Seikima II</i> is very straightforward game. Grab all the items like some demented version of <i>Supermarket Sweep</i>, avoid or defeat the enemies, spend your hard-earned cash on musical equipment. There are a few caveats to this simple format, mind you; for one, your health is constantly draining at a rapid rate and not just when you collide with an Easter Island statue gone walkabout. The other is that there’s a minor element of exploration to be done, because the areas within each world don’t follow a linear path. There are seven areas in each world to empty of items before the eighth and final area opens up, and you might be able to travel from zone one to zone two but not from zone two to zone <i>three, </i>so you have to go back to zone one and find another exit (in this case “exit” means a hole in the floor). They’re not hugely complex labyrinths so you’re unlikely to get lost, but the result is that <i>Seikima II</i> feels like it’s stuffed with pointless, energy-sapping backtracking.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-rjQkif7x_V8/W7efZrYmx-I/AAAAAAAAfqE/fTtscU7xFwwC1yJrh9_NIwAPf5sv7tqKQCLcBGAs/s1600/sk08.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-rjQkif7x_V8/W7efZrYmx-I/AAAAAAAAfqE/fTtscU7xFwwC1yJrh9_NIwAPf5sv7tqKQCLcBGAs/s1600/sk08.png" /></a></div>
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Once you <i>do</i> make it down to the final zone, you’ll encounter a boss of sorts. Go on, see if you can spot it in the screenshot above. Give up? There’s a tiny knight standing in front of the cage holding the imprisoned member of the band. I was expecting a more imposing foe from a game with a subtitle that translates to “Demon’s Counterattack,” but instead we’re tasked with defeating a living Playmobil figure that’s hopelessly out of its depth. You can only harm the knight by hitting it in the back, because it blocks your attacks with its shield otherwise, and the knight can attack by throwing arcing rings of sparkly magic into the air, but overall it’s very easy to defeat if you remembered to purchase the knives.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-NPLywMQNkyw/W7efZlEDTsI/AAAAAAAAfqI/BrbyopR4r5M6cxNdwhDLTT91D9g53wEzACLcBGAs/s1600/sk09.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-NPLywMQNkyw/W7efZlEDTsI/AAAAAAAAfqI/BrbyopR4r5M6cxNdwhDLTT91D9g53wEzACLcBGAs/s1600/sk09.png" /></a></div>
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<i>Seikima II</i>’s commitment to tedious busy work continues, because defeating the knight isn’t enough to free your bandmate. You also have to make your way around the zone and touch all of these floating objects, which are either tombstones or very gothic surfboards. The last one will have a key inside. Once you’ve picked <i>that </i>up, <i>then</i> you can open the cage and move on to world two.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-P6dU6PAkF7A/W7efZ8WouQI/AAAAAAAAfqM/8rGB26mqKsoWojh5K5P_grw6pM-EL62RQCLcBGAs/s1600/sk10.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-P6dU6PAkF7A/W7efZ8WouQI/AAAAAAAAfqM/8rGB26mqKsoWojh5K5P_grw6pM-EL62RQCLcBGAs/s1600/sk10.png" /></a></div>
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Given how much of a pain in the arse it was to manoeuvre Kogure through the first world, I would strongly suggest that the band slim down from a five-piece to a duo.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-NJdHLcDFCOU/W7efZ62W01I/AAAAAAAAfqQ/K4mxGpRsygcLUNpI6bnetM1JwfOd71aMQCLcBGAs/s1600/sk11.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-NJdHLcDFCOU/W7efZ62W01I/AAAAAAAAfqQ/K4mxGpRsygcLUNpI6bnetM1JwfOd71aMQCLcBGAs/s1600/sk11.png" /></a></div>
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My suggestion was not taken on board, so here we go with world number two. I know, I know, it’s not very Halloween-y. I was disappointed too but hey, at least Kogure gets to fight some more thematically-appropriate enemies in the form of these lil’ angels. Granted, they appear to be the angels of deceased gingerbread men, but I’ll take it.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-eLi22BZtngA/W7efaZxPOXI/AAAAAAAAfqU/gXQTGb-9Y98cjmsPLd-uNFclarcUWSUNACLcBGAs/s1600/sk12.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-eLi22BZtngA/W7efaZxPOXI/AAAAAAAAfqU/gXQTGb-9Y98cjmsPLd-uNFclarcUWSUNACLcBGAs/s1600/sk12.png" /></a></div>
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Visuals aside, world two is very similar to world one and indeed the entire game follows this template. You’re still collecting all the items, with the ghosts and money bags returning but with the addition of the latest abducted band member’s disembodied head and also pot plants. Given the dark, sinister themes of Seikima II, I must concluded that they are <i>spider</i> plants.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5swVcWL4Yik/W7efawUfAQI/AAAAAAAAfqY/zwQx0xc3llgCnPNyHYIthEFsh8Iqv1OSQCLcBGAs/s1600/sk13.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5swVcWL4Yik/W7efawUfAQI/AAAAAAAAfqY/zwQx0xc3llgCnPNyHYIthEFsh8Iqv1OSQCLcBGAs/s1600/sk13.png" /></a></div>
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Along the way I managed to upgrade my weapon again, and I gotta say that throwing battle axes at angels is definitely more what I expected from this game that flinging stones at insects. You know what else I expected from a game based on a band? In-game music that didn’t make me want to squirt a tube of decorator’s caulk down each ear. Yes, I must sadly report that the music in this game is utterly terrible, with each world having one track of squeaky, unmelodious noise that repeats on a four-bar loop. Now <i>that’s</i> the Devil’s music.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-b80DwE0-KMY/W7efbcNZIzI/AAAAAAAAfqc/k6S5-6SyT6IWfvqb_EaljTVckrZc8ELdwCLcBGAs/s1600/sk14.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-b80DwE0-KMY/W7efbcNZIzI/AAAAAAAAfqc/k6S5-6SyT6IWfvqb_EaljTVckrZc8ELdwCLcBGAs/s1600/sk14.png" /></a></div>
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The boss is, once again, a very small knight. There he is, hiding amongst the foliage. His guerilla tactics don’t make him any more difficult to defeat, although because the platform he’s walking back and forth on is longer than in the first encounter he does spend longer stretches of time with his shield facing towards you. He's still easy to beat, and while my pleasure at my victory was momentarily wiped away by the reminder that, oh yeah, I’ve got to touch all these gravestones to find the key it was soon onwards to world number three.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-vvKjN_D90J0/W7efbw-wRJI/AAAAAAAAfqg/U0NeThIWjNMDcDZD7Bi1REWpzuoG14vnQCLcBGAs/s1600/sk15.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-vvKjN_D90J0/W7efbw-wRJI/AAAAAAAAfqg/U0NeThIWjNMDcDZD7Bi1REWpzuoG14vnQCLcBGAs/s1600/sk15.png" /></a></div>
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I don’t think I need to tell you how this one plays out. The pot plants are swapped out for candles and the environment has a much more Halloween-appropriate “ancient ruins” theme, complete with spiders and snakes. Kogure still jumps like his boots are filled with vicious robot crabs. The music? <i>Heinous.</i><br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3-q7cik2Oe8/W7efcEGnfBI/AAAAAAAAfqk/_taYf3VH9Cwung7BxMzhauyKDJjEegpFgCLcBGAs/s1600/sk16.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3-q7cik2Oe8/W7efcEGnfBI/AAAAAAAAfqk/_taYf3VH9Cwung7BxMzhauyKDJjEegpFgCLcBGAs/s1600/sk16.png" /></a></div>
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As the game progress, the areas are set up more and more often to be single-route challenges. They often look quite open at first glance, but appearances can be misleading. For example, you can only head to the right here, because Kogure can’t crouch and he’s two “blocks” tall, making him unable to squeeze through either of those gaps to his left. I suppose it’s not a terrible design decision, but a bit more freedom to approach each area might have been nice. More aggravating is<i> Seikima II</i>’s tendency to place items in such a way that you have to climb up to reach the topmost one and then fall back down to collect items that are hanging in the air, forcing you to repeat the same bits of platforming to collect all the items. My top tip for countering this is to take advantage of Kogure’s <i>Mega Man</i>-like ability to stand on empty space so long as at least one pixel of his toe is touching a platform: this can sometimes help you to wriggle up though platforms that otherwise might force you to go the long way around.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-4kVn4NP6Dm4/W7efcXJgEmI/AAAAAAAAfqo/aFADV_1Udwc6vu-i5PBOAJwFAh30pH3ngCLcBGAs/s1600/sk17.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-4kVn4NP6Dm4/W7efcXJgEmI/AAAAAAAAfqo/aFADV_1Udwc6vu-i5PBOAJwFAh30pH3ngCLcBGAs/s1600/sk17.png" /></a></div>
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I was starting to feel a bit sorry for the tiny knight by this point. Then I remembered how horrible the jumping feels and I lost all ability to feel compassion for others, so that was fun.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-htuTA8tkBoo/W7efck92i2I/AAAAAAAAfqs/fzH3AHJineQzYzzQP3baYOtMQS4m-qTFgCLcBGAs/s1600/sk18.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-htuTA8tkBoo/W7efck92i2I/AAAAAAAAfqs/fzH3AHJineQzYzzQP3baYOtMQS4m-qTFgCLcBGAs/s1600/sk18.png" /></a></div>
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Now we’re talking – the final world has that real Halloween <i>je ne sais quoi</i>, as landscapes made entirely from human bones and patrolled by mummies tend to. It’s amazing how much more amenable to <i>Seikima II</i>’s gameplay I was feeling once I was scaling Skull Mountain. I suppose that having gotten as used to the jumping controls as possible was also helping.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-68xUPORY7UA/W7efcr619XI/AAAAAAAAfqw/Db2xQcteye80GZkAoDn1bw93inSJAODSACLcBGAs/s1600/sk19.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-68xUPORY7UA/W7efcr619XI/AAAAAAAAfqw/Db2xQcteye80GZkAoDn1bw93inSJAODSACLcBGAs/s1600/sk19.png" /></a></div>
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When a bat hits a priest and he ends up deceased, that’s Kogure. Yes, I’ve purchased the strongest weapon in the game and it’s an endless supply of throwable bats. The developers really shouldn’t have hidden this particular light under a bushel, should they? If you’re making a game where you’re playing as a guy who calls himself Demon Kogure who can throw trained bats at the priests who have presumably come to exorcise him, that stuff should be<i> front-and-centre, stage one gameplay.</i><br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-qAp0oSoUd4g/W7efc4ZIIhI/AAAAAAAAfq0/hPsSwNuxsfEt5M8cAFn9xB4_5pVzLpouwCLcBGAs/s1600/sk20.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-qAp0oSoUd4g/W7efc4ZIIhI/AAAAAAAAfq0/hPsSwNuxsfEt5M8cAFn9xB4_5pVzLpouwCLcBGAs/s1600/sk20.png" /></a></div>
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There’s an area in the final world where the platforms and items spell out “CBS SONY,” who produced the game. Stay turned to VGJunk for more fascinating videogame tidbits like this. Look, what else do you want me to say, “then Kogure fights that bloody knight yet again?”<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/--0rFa_xxjxg/W7efdO7wz5I/AAAAAAAAfq4/1THBlNDjuKYprO9mgnHALl5-glGZ4-mhACLcBGAs/s1600/sk21.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/--0rFa_xxjxg/W7efdO7wz5I/AAAAAAAAfq4/1THBlNDjuKYprO9mgnHALl5-glGZ4-mhACLcBGAs/s1600/sk21.png" /></a></div>
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Guess what, that’s exactly what I’m going to say. Then Kogure fights that bloody knight yet again, although at least this time we can actually get a good look at him as he patrols his platform, flanked by priests. Yep, that’s definitely a tiny knight with wee little matchstick legs that would surely buckle under the weight of full plate armour. No wonder defeating the knight is the easiest part of<i> Seikima II.</i><br />
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The band’s back together, but before they can get back on stage and resume their mission to corrupt the minds of humanity, there’s one last mission for Kogure. He must travel to the Zeus Zone and engage in the final battle against Zeus. The Greek god Zeus. <i>Zeus</i>.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-W_x_5LK1hAE/W7efdVoyGyI/AAAAAAAAfrA/Rh7Onv_CCEQhxAjvTqaSDmWC76Os-NiTACLcBGAs/s1600/sk23.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-W_x_5LK1hAE/W7efdVoyGyI/AAAAAAAAfrA/Rh7Onv_CCEQhxAjvTqaSDmWC76Os-NiTACLcBGAs/s1600/sk23.png" /></a></div>
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Except that is quite clearly Jesus Christ. He’s got a halo, he attacks by throwing glitter in the same way as the knight rather than the more impressive and more Zeus-ian method of massive great lighting bolts. The game might be telling me it’s Zeus, but think about it this way: who do you think Kogure, Satan’s best pal and avowed devil-worshipper, is more likely to be fighting - Zeus or Jesus? I rest my case. What’s that? The programme for Seikima II’s 1988 “The Greatest Black Mass” tour specifically says the band were imprisoned for thousands of years by the mightiest god Zeus? All right, fine, it’s Zeus. I still think the Jesus angle makes more sense, though.<br />
As for the actual fight, it’s basically the same as the battles against the knights except Zeus will jump over your attacks if you throw them at his body. Jump and attack and they’ll be too high for Zeus to leap over, though, so do that. If you’ve managed to purchase the bats – and why wouldn’t you, because the game gives you plenty of cash to buy all the instruments and every weapon upgrade - it only takes about eight hits and <i>Seikima II: Akuma no Gyakushuu</i> is over.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TNRvULQtGLk/W7efdtmtbkI/AAAAAAAAfrE/9hqe5PveyDAUAYHcvOItUEZXHySAUhr3QCLcBGAs/s1600/sk24.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TNRvULQtGLk/W7efdtmtbkI/AAAAAAAAfrE/9hqe5PveyDAUAYHcvOItUEZXHySAUhr3QCLcBGAs/s1600/sk24.png" /></a></div>
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The ending sees the reassembled band play a show for an audience of appreciative ghosts, which is about as good an ending as I could have hoped for. Shame about the horrendous music, but there <i>was</i> an updated MSX version of the game that featured actual Seikima II songs, so I probably should have played that version. Whoops.<br />
<i>Seikima II: Akuma no Gyakushuu</i> is a game I don't hate, even though I think I probably<i> should</i>. It certainly isn’t much fun to play, thanks to the stiff, frustrating controls that are only exacerbated by the back-tracking and the constant health drain. In a game where the monsters are forever respawning right above your head, it’d be nice to be able to take things slowly and cautiously but you can’t do that while your health’s dwindling away like my will to live during a long dental procedure. It’s very much a game that missed its time, still beholden to the early arcade game design philosophies: considering it was released after <i>Super Mario Bros</i>. forever altered the playing field, it didn’t really stand a chance.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-UeWNiJGyc18/W7efdxRNKeI/AAAAAAAAfrI/RK9ZYjGxI2YrI1pZCgah_wj2zjetGRf9ACLcBGAs/s1600/sk25.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-UeWNiJGyc18/W7efdxRNKeI/AAAAAAAAfrI/RK9ZYjGxI2YrI1pZCgah_wj2zjetGRf9ACLcBGAs/s1600/sk25.png" /></a></div>
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Yet there’s still something about it that charmed me. it’s probably just the concept of playing as a Satanist who has to take time off from his black crusade to rescue his band, throwing bats at priests as he goes. There’s something very appealing about that, especially when Demon Kogure’s in-game sprite is such an adorably chubby little lump. And hey, I learned something else: <a href="http://hokuto.wikia.com/wiki/Kogure">Kogure had a character based on him in the <i>Fist of the North Star</i> anime</a>, so he must be cool.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-DTSjlVFw5K8/W7efYCS0p4I/AAAAAAAAfpo/f3rbY5tnfSYHFTSQlxyc4Zmbvti5SrtLQCLcBGAs/s1600/hallmeter18_6.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="413" data-original-width="315" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-DTSjlVFw5K8/W7efYCS0p4I/AAAAAAAAfpo/f3rbY5tnfSYHFTSQlxyc4Zmbvti5SrtLQCLcBGAs/s1600/hallmeter18_6.png" /></a></div>
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I’ve given <i>Seikima II</i> a six on the Halloween-O-Meter, which is a shame because it was close to getting a much higher score. If only the enemies had been more monsters and ghouls than butterflies and birds, but alas. The final skull level definitely earned it an extra point, that’s for sure.<br />
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<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/10/frightmare-commodore-64.html">The 2018 Halloween Spooktacular begins with <i>Frightmare!</i></a><b> </b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/09/sas-combat-assault-zx-spectrum.html">No combat, just evil alarm clocks in <i>SAS Combat Assault!</i></a></div>
VGJUNKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10847169968000988460noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1129376554965074880.post-27984707280328089482018-10-03T10:27:00.000-07:002018-10-03T10:27:40.688-07:00SPOOKY COMPUTER GAME COVERS, PART II!Two of my absolute favourite things to look at with my human eyes are old computer game covers and horror-themed artwork, so obviously I had to write <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2014/10/spooky-computer-game-covers.html">another</a> article about spooky home computer game covers. Computer game covers from the eighties and “Halloween” artwork of the kind you might find on an old horror VHS or the packaging for plastic witch fingers – they both draw from a deep well of enthusiastically amateurish illustration which, to me, speaks to the very core of the Halloween season’s appeal. I hope you’re ready for a gaggle of ghosts, some distinctly un-threatening vampires and logos drawn to resemble all manner of bodily fluids!<br />
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<b>Haunted House, TRS-80</b></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jbvf2d_WZBk/W7TonRJB02I/AAAAAAAAfpM/wtnW-tvRbSMVVECmF7UD2sViV9VcC8RpgCEwYBhgL/s1600/sc01.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1046" data-original-width="800" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jbvf2d_WZBk/W7TonRJB02I/AAAAAAAAfpM/wtnW-tvRbSMVVECmF7UD2sViV9VcC8RpgCEwYBhgL/s640/sc01.jpg" width="488" /></a></div>
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Oh yeah, that’s the stuff. As much as I enjoy the more over-the-top examples of horror cover art, there’s still plenty of room in my heart for something like this – a straight-forward evil mansion with a Bates Motel flavour and the title “Haunted House” in a dripping, ectoplasmic typeface. Who knows what terrible evil lurks behind the attic window of… <i>the haunted house!</i> Okay, so it’s probably ghosts, what with the haunting and all, but still.<br />
One of the benefits of releasing your spooky computer game way back in the late seventies was that titles as straightforward as <i>Haunted House</i> were still available. The large amount of time I’ve spent playing <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.co.uk/2015/10/halloween-trick-or-treat-pc.html">spook-themed</a> <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.co.uk/2016/10/halloween-trick-or-treat-2-pc.html">hidden object</a> <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.co.uk/2017/10/halloween-pirates-curse-pc.html">games</a> tells me that nowadays it’d probably be called <i>Ghostly Residence: Cursed Secrets</i> or <i>Cursed Ghosts: Resident Secrets</i> or something very similar.<br />
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<b>13 Ghosts, TRS-80</b></div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-yKp7x12Lnew/W7TonaIqklI/AAAAAAAAfpA/gGMk8xeMyREaptmQNOSIHthNXdSlsNltQCEwYBhgL/s1600/sc02.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1046" data-original-width="800" height="640" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-yKp7x12Lnew/W7TonaIqklI/AAAAAAAAfpA/gGMk8xeMyREaptmQNOSIHthNXdSlsNltQCEwYBhgL/s640/sc02.jpg" width="488" /></a></div>
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Also appearing on the TRS-80 is 13 Ghosts, with a cover that is a flat-out lie. There are only nine ghosts on display here. Ten, if you’re willing to believe that’s the ghost of a spider. I don’t mind too much, though, because they’re all pretty great ghosts. Somehow the ghost at the front manages to look extremely French, perhaps because he’s managed to retain his moustache after death. I guess you could call it a <i>boo</i>stache, if you didn't care that your thoughtless words might cause physical pain to those that hear them.<br />
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<b>Waxworks, Dragon 32 / 64</b></div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-e_hduiEfYmo/W7TonZ3vE4I/AAAAAAAAfpU/uOrtFujhJQUmQRhBDE2m5MQTc76C4sMBACEwYBhgL/s1600/sc03.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="505" data-original-width="376" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-e_hduiEfYmo/W7TonZ3vE4I/AAAAAAAAfpU/uOrtFujhJQUmQRhBDE2m5MQTc76C4sMBACEwYBhgL/s1600/sc03.jpg" /></a></div>
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Johnny Stripedtie was a mild-mannered bank clerk with a steady job and a loving family – until the fateful day when the disapproving ghosts of Lincoln and Shakespeare commanded him to clean out the long-neglected fridge of…<i> the waxworks!</i> Can Johnny defeat the dread menace of a potato salad birthed in some long-forgotten aeon? Also Henry the Eighth is there. Trying to get to the fridge, presumably.<br />
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<b>Bubble Ghost, Atari ST</b></div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-GBIq2SAZmLE/W7TooJ456XI/AAAAAAAAfpI/-nakQm92XO8KIin0PBWGfyBt0N7H4AoRwCEwYBhgL/s1600/sc04.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1000" data-original-width="789" height="640" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-GBIq2SAZmLE/W7TooJ456XI/AAAAAAAAfpI/-nakQm92XO8KIin0PBWGfyBt0N7H4AoRwCEwYBhgL/s640/sc04.jpg" width="504" /></a></div>
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<i>Bubble Ghost</i> is a game about a cute little spectre who has to guide a bubble through a mansion of bubble-bursting hazards by blowing on it. It is a surprise, then, that the game ended up with this cover for its Atari ST release. That’s not a cute ghost at all. That’s an <i>angry </i>ghost, a ghost with cheekbones that’d make a catwalk model jealous, a ghost that may well be constipated. It’s been through the “American <i>Kirby</i> game cover” procedure, except the machine was turned up to eleven and we got a ghost whose head has the same silhouette as a cartoon turd.<br />
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<b>The Count, Atari Home Computers</b></div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-6NO0S_XkukQ/W7TooNqWSNI/AAAAAAAAfpQ/TxzR2Rv84LYK5ogSJFa7Qq2kc5wY4nGRwCEwYBhgL/s1600/sc05.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="655" data-original-width="450" height="640" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-6NO0S_XkukQ/W7TooNqWSNI/AAAAAAAAfpQ/TxzR2Rv84LYK5ogSJFa7Qq2kc5wY4nGRwCEwYBhgL/s640/sc05.jpg" width="436" /></a></div>
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Someone had a fun time with the felt-tipped pens, huh? What a great cover, packed with charming details, like the awful “love at first byte” pun, the castle gate being shaped like Dracula’s face and the hammer and stake lying in the driveway. Erm, I think that stake could have done with a bit more whittling, chaps. It won’t pierce the vampire’s heart, it’ll push it right out through his back. I don’t know if the gift-wrapped package is supposed to be to scale and it’s almost as tall as Dracula’s mailbox, but it does seem to contain a reference to the 1970 movie <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Count_Yorga,_Vampire"><i>Count Yorga, Vampire</i></a>. I haven’t seem that particular film, and now I <i>can’t</i> watch it because I’ll just be disappointed when it’s not about two vampire friends who like to buy each other thoughtful gifts. They don’t need a reason, it’s just<i> nice!</i><br />
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<b>The Count, Atari Home Computers</b></div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-EwP-268XwXg/W7Tooe_4AMI/AAAAAAAAfpA/mhxqjYJDjKUjk1_rhTaWOUxgW3d5EJINACEwYBhgL/s1600/sc06.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="967" data-original-width="635" height="640" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-EwP-268XwXg/W7Tooe_4AMI/AAAAAAAAfpA/mhxqjYJDjKUjk1_rhTaWOUxgW3d5EJINACEwYBhgL/s640/sc06.jpg" width="420" /></a></div>
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A different cover for the same game, and the “kid’s activity book” feel of the previous iteration has been replaced by a foreboding moonlit castle and an appearance by The Count himself – a fiendish creature of the night who looks as though he could be defeated by walking away from him at a brisk pace. Even if The Count <i>did</i> manage to catch you, his ridiculously large collar would make it impossible for him to get his fangs anywhere near your neck. I think he’s trying to make himself look big to scare away the other vampires.<br />
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<b>The Count, VIC-20</b></div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7Xm4iRm2Tsc/W7Tootu7mdI/AAAAAAAAfo8/F-S9mrHm5gU6_KF4pZFfk1F5PC0zEAZTACEwYBhgL/s1600/sc07.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="577" data-original-width="417" height="640" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7Xm4iRm2Tsc/W7Tootu7mdI/AAAAAAAAfo8/F-S9mrHm5gU6_KF4pZFfk1F5PC0zEAZTACEwYBhgL/s640/sc07.jpg" width="462" /></a></div>
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Yet another Count, this time appearing on the cover of the Commodore VIC-20 port and hey, he’s handsome now! His collar’s still big enough that you’d be forgiven for assuming The Count’s in the middle of swallowing a large bat, but he’d definitely have a better virgin-enthralling success rate than the previous Count. <br />
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<b>The Munsters, ZX Spectrum</b></div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-MoRRrSbbQeQ/W7Toot-pqxI/AAAAAAAAfpQ/QoINScuO7uMCwk1AQzd0F9d6hwkeQwxBACEwYBhgL/s1600/sc08.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1024" data-original-width="800" height="640" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-MoRRrSbbQeQ/W7Toot-pqxI/AAAAAAAAfpQ/QoINScuO7uMCwk1AQzd0F9d6hwkeQwxBACEwYBhgL/s640/sc08.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
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Everyone’s second-favourite family of ooky, kooky weirdos got their own home computer game, complete with a cover that is (mostly) the exact kind of thing I wanted to find when I was putting this little collection together. It’s The Munsters as you know ‘em and love ‘em, although Grandpa Munster seems to have been replaced by Ted Cruz. Nice “Herman smashed through it” detail on the front door, too, and it’s even got a strong “horribly good software” pun. My only problem with this cover – and it’s quite a <i>big</i> problem – is the logo. I know it’s a fairly accurate recreation of the Munsters logo, but that was originally in black and white. On this cover, it’s a revolting shade of yellowy off-white that calls to mind pus leaking from infected wounds, gelatinous subcutaneous fat or, even worse, the custard you’d get with a school dinner. I feel quite ill just thinking about it, no matter how much I try to convince myself it’s supposed to be candle wax.<br />
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<b>Spooky Castle, ZX Spectrum</b></div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Pwblyz9-UMQ/W7Too7J2D_I/AAAAAAAAfo8/6AA5OQeXxHQpgPnYBYAU2BkS6kptJBsqACEwYBhgL/s1600/sc09.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="889" data-original-width="563" height="640" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Pwblyz9-UMQ/W7Too7J2D_I/AAAAAAAAfo8/6AA5OQeXxHQpgPnYBYAU2BkS6kptJBsqACEwYBhgL/s640/sc09.jpg" width="404" /></a></div>
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Attempting to ward off a ghost with a crucifix? Oh dear, oh dear. What a blunder, the kind of rookie mistake you wouldn’t expect to see from even the most reluctant monster slayer. Everyone knows crosses are for vampires and you get rid of ghosts with either an exorcism, by completing the unfinished business that tethers them to the mortal realm or by sucking them up with a vacuum cleaner.<br />
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<b>Frightmare, Commodore 64</b></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mkmmkuvUsPE/W7TopZoWssI/AAAAAAAAfo8/hJpC4HCZMLIO2U-ieGjEC9I8pJRGMEmugCEwYBhgL/s1600/sc10.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="879" data-original-width="563" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mkmmkuvUsPE/W7TopZoWssI/AAAAAAAAfo8/hJpC4HCZMLIO2U-ieGjEC9I8pJRGMEmugCEwYBhgL/s640/sc10.jpg" width="408" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/10/frightmare-commodore-64.html">I covered <i>Frightmare </i>last time out</a>, and the original release had a relatively restrained cover that recreated the game’s title screen. Then it got a re-release with some far more obvious – but no less appealing – cover art. It doesn’t capture the essence of <i>Frightmare</i>’s gameplay, nor the unsettling dream-world the game tries to conjure up, but it does have a one-armed zombie and a creepy mansion. Three malformed goblinoids drag themselves out of the dirt, and you just <i>know</i> that they’re a right bunch of little shits. They’ve got that look about them, they’re clearly the hellspawned version of mischievous triplets who are forever pulling pranks, except their pranks probably involve eating kittens or stapling thing to tender body parts. I reckon they used to be quadruplets, but they tricked one of their brothers into swallowing a lit stick of dynamite, hence the explosion.<br />
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<b>Elvira II: The Jaws of Cerberus, Commodore 64</b></div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-MrkwmPxUuCg/W7TopnyH59I/AAAAAAAAfpM/ALhsGFPOWDoL3PTj4_-3eT-nkU7dZc1wQCEwYBhgL/s1600/sc11.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1003" data-original-width="782" height="640" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-MrkwmPxUuCg/W7TopnyH59I/AAAAAAAAfpM/ALhsGFPOWDoL3PTj4_-3eT-nkU7dZc1wQCEwYBhgL/s640/sc11.jpg" width="498" /></a></div>
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I must admit, I included this cover purely for the shallowest of aesthetic reasons but come on – just <i>look </i>at that pumpkin! It’s huge, I wonder what it’s made of? Fibreglass, probably. Imagine all the fun you could have with a massive fibreglass pumpkin, like using it to reserve a seat on the bus or as a cage for especially ungrateful trick-or-treaters. Oh, and Elvira is here too. The kitschy, campy horror host and strong contender for the title of Queen of Halloween appeared in several computer games, all of which had cover art that emphasised Elvira’s, ahem, charms. I’m sorry, but it’s impossible to talk about Elvira without slipping into double entendres. It’s kind of her <i>thing. </i>A few years ago she released a Halloween song called “Two Big Pumpkins” and I’m sure you can imagine what that’s about.<br />
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<b>Eric and the Floaters, MSX</b></div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-HiC3qwMWUWQ/W7ToqI1U5iI/AAAAAAAAfpA/HMobTD7XrrYVxB2H8WGr8dWw21q-xHNVwCEwYBhgL/s1600/sc12.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1142" data-original-width="732" height="640" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-HiC3qwMWUWQ/W7ToqI1U5iI/AAAAAAAAfpA/HMobTD7XrrYVxB2H8WGr8dWw21q-xHNVwCEwYBhgL/s640/sc12.jpg" width="410" /></a></div>
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Two things – no, this isn’t a game about a bloke called Eric who’s having trouble flushing his toilet, and yes, it does look a lot like the cover for <i>Doom</i>, if <i>Doom</i> starred Indiana Jones. Presumably these demons are the floaters of the title, and they’re all scrabbling at Eric in an attempt to grab the delicious baguette hanging from his belt. Yes, I know, you went to look at his belt but got distracted by Eric’s pronounced bulge. In fairness, it <i>does</i> rather catch the eye.<br />
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<b>Chiller, Commodore 64</b></div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-n8DMKs7q0eA/W7ToqPq03dI/AAAAAAAAfpA/_JjBbQNmviQ_Hfh3lWBwTlumyMpkrtFbACEwYBhgL/s1600/sc13.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="588" data-original-width="396" height="640" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-n8DMKs7q0eA/W7ToqPq03dI/AAAAAAAAfpA/_JjBbQNmviQ_Hfh3lWBwTlumyMpkrtFbACEwYBhgL/s640/sc13.jpg" width="430" /></a></div>
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“The foulest stench is in the air,<br />
The funk of nineteen eighty-five.<br />
A grizzly ghoul with press-on nails<br />
Is rising up to scare females.<br />
No mention of <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDOV2HtgSPA">the music nicked</a><br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDOV2HtgSPA">from Michael Jackson’s <i>Thriller</i></a>,<br />
just zombies grinding teeth upon<br />
the cover of the <i>Chiller!</i>”<br />
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<b>James Herbert’s The Rats, ZX Spectrum</b></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bB74fzJi9e4/W7ToqeYU-7I/AAAAAAAAfpI/lCbpfl8CDTg966Bddb-guf-yE-DuoC5igCEwYBhgL/s1600/sc14.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1259" data-original-width="800" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bB74fzJi9e4/W7ToqeYU-7I/AAAAAAAAfpI/lCbpfl8CDTg966Bddb-guf-yE-DuoC5igCEwYBhgL/s640/sc14.jpg" width="406" /></a></div>
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It’s a crying shame that there was never a videogame based on <i>Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace</i>. It could have worked in so many different genres, from graphic adventure to first-person shooter, although I would have most liked it to be a side-scrolling beat-em-up in the manner of <i>Night Slashers</i>. Hmm, I don’t know what suddenly made me thinkof <i>Darkplace</i>.<br />
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<b>Frankenstein Jr., ZX Spectrum</b></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xw74d9fdf8k/W7ToqhPo5ZI/AAAAAAAAfpM/11bN1VQ5RGo5PCKUdWFspL2Y6sFFdaJTgCEwYBhgL/s1600/sc15.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1238" data-original-width="782" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xw74d9fdf8k/W7ToqhPo5ZI/AAAAAAAAfpM/11bN1VQ5RGo5PCKUdWFspL2Y6sFFdaJTgCEwYBhgL/s640/sc15.jpg" width="404" /></a></div>
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To create a monster with the mind of a man from the corpses of the dead is cruel. To then send that abomination to <i>school</i> is beyond cruel, it’s the action of a demented sadist. I knew a kid at school who was bullied because he wore a ponytail, god only knows the kind of abuse Frankenstein Jr. would endure the first time his arm dropped off during a PE lesson. You might be thinking “surely Frank would simply crush the skulls of those who mocked him using his unholy strength?” and he <i>could </i>but you know how it is, when you fight back against bullies you’re always the one who gets into trouble.<br />
I actually really like the artwork on this one, with a cartoon style that makes it look very much as though it was based on a kid’s TV show. There was a kid’s cartoon called <i>Frankenstein Jr.</i>, but this game has nothing to do with that.<br />
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<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/olli-and-lissa-ii-halloween-zx-spectrum.html"><b>Olli and Lissa II: Halloween, ZX Spectrum</b></a></div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-r0W5iwdL2HQ/W7ToqoIJJyI/AAAAAAAAfpI/fD9SoKqiCoQTXcyAlw8kSNiDAAOd0devQCEwYBhgL/s1600/sc16.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1217" data-original-width="792" height="640" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-r0W5iwdL2HQ/W7ToqoIJJyI/AAAAAAAAfpI/fD9SoKqiCoQTXcyAlw8kSNiDAAOd0devQCEwYBhgL/s640/sc16.jpg" width="416" /></a></div>
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At last, a game that actually has Halloween right there in the title, plus a cover that stars the witchiest witch I’ve seen a long time, the platonic ideal of witchness - the green skin, the pointed nose, the shoes that are eighty percent buckle. My only issues are that a pointy hat covered in stars is more of a wizard thing, and also her pentagram’s upside-down. Or <i>not</i> upside down, depending on how you look at it. Still, she’s a witch if ever a witch there was. I find myself drawn to her facial expression. Neither the typical evil snarl of someone who stuffs kids into ovens nor the gleeful cackle of a witch excited for the dark sabbath, it’s an expression that seems to say “uhh, I found this key, do you want it?”<br />
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<b>Ghosts ‘n’ Goblins, ZX Spectrum</b></div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-f9YS0V2SmTg/W7TorC25XmI/AAAAAAAAfpI/6gYMhrIiPlskmA1cJFIdE_L6rwxZBvgggCEwYBhgL/s1600/sc17.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1199" data-original-width="794" height="640" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-f9YS0V2SmTg/W7TorC25XmI/AAAAAAAAfpI/6gYMhrIiPlskmA1cJFIdE_L6rwxZBvgggCEwYBhgL/s640/sc17.jpg" width="422" /></a></div>
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This is a weird one, because it captures a lot of <i><a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.co.uk/2012/10/ghostsn-goblins-arcade.html">Ghosts ‘n’ Goblins</a></i>’ features well enough – the rising zombies, the carnivorous plants, the hapless knight about to get drop-kicked into an early grave by a demon bastard – but it looks so different from Capcom’s usual art style that to a more console-based gamer like myself it feels like it fell out of a parallel dimension.<br />
It’s the Red Arremer who has seen the most changes, with the artist mistaking the demon’s wings for a cape. Oh, and he’s furry now. <i>Very</i> furry. We’re talking Muppet levels of fuzziness, and as a result the Red Arremer looks like Elmo from some god-awful “dark” re-imagining of <i>Sesame Street</i>.<br />
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<b>The Last Vampire, ZX Spectrum</b></div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yqPz3RoBeXg/W7TpGqcz9II/AAAAAAAAfpY/C_JAm844QrIGbyKtnkIVhcw9lGA_TFoYACLcBGAs/s1600/sc18.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1180" data-original-width="756" height="400" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yqPz3RoBeXg/W7TpGqcz9II/AAAAAAAAfpY/C_JAm844QrIGbyKtnkIVhcw9lGA_TFoYACLcBGAs/s400/sc18.jpg" width="256" /></a></div>
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A very Christopher Lee-looking vampire on this cover, and the game’s hero must have spent more time on his evil-fighting studies than the protagonist of <i>Spooky Castle</i> because he’s waving a crucifix at the correct type of supernatural evil. Admittedly he <i>is </i>putting a lot of faith into his tiny cross, which raises a question: are vampires equally affected by a cross regardless of its size, or does a larger cross have a more potent vampire-repelling effect? Could you defeat a nest of nosferatu by making thousands of teeny-tiny crosses out of communion wafers and sprinkling them through the room like confetti, or would that merely give the vampires the same level of discomfort as wearing a heavy woollen jumper in August? Conversely, if you built a hundred-foot tall crucifix, had it blessed by all the cardinals you could muster and air-dropped it into the Transylvanian countryside, would all the vampires in a fifty-mile radius simply explode? These are important questions, people!<br />
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<b>The Astonishing Adventures of Mr. Weems and the She-Vampires, Commodore 64</b></div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-tWUcqOTYNug/W7TorCRQefI/AAAAAAAAfpE/pQRMUbPgxQc2WIu5uB30-IVuse3ZyxgIACEwYBhgL/s1600/sc19.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1203" data-original-width="782" height="640" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-tWUcqOTYNug/W7TorCRQefI/AAAAAAAAfpE/pQRMUbPgxQc2WIu5uB30-IVuse3ZyxgIACEwYBhgL/s640/sc19.jpg" width="416" /></a></div>
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That’s one hell of a title, but I understand why this re-release cover whittled it down to simply <i>She-Vampires. </i>It’s trying to grab customers browsing the shelves, after all, and if the name <i>She-Vampires</i> doesn’t accomplish that then this cover art probably will. I think what we’re seeing here is the life-cycle of a She-Vampire: you start out as a mouldering corpse, enter a genie-like pupal stage and finally emerge as an Ann Summers model. The red basque is mandatory during all stages, and at no point does being a She-Vampire look comfortable. Awkwardly “sexy” outfits aside, the She-Vampires seem to have too many teeth even for, you know, a vampire. Watching a She-Vampire eat spaghetti would instantly destroy any erotic allure they may have once possessed.<br />
Alternatively, you can choose to read this cover as the “complete” She-Vampire using her cape to stop people peeping on her sisters while they get changed, as one might do with a large towel on the beach.<br />
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<b>The House on Damned Hill, ZX Spectrum</b></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8JCwYX1uMdE/W7TorgrfrsI/AAAAAAAAfpQ/g_tAJ6uHmSMTzk0Zd4ylOh1E6ArAg8kHACEwYBhgL/s1600/sc20.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="502" data-original-width="352" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8JCwYX1uMdE/W7TorgrfrsI/AAAAAAAAfpQ/g_tAJ6uHmSMTzk0Zd4ylOh1E6ArAg8kHACEwYBhgL/s1600/sc20.jpg" /></a></div>
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Because if you are building a house in a place called Damned Hill, you might as well go the whole hog and erect a massive hollow skull to live in. I’m not sure whether the addition of a wooden roof and porch detract from the terror on not, but the idea of someone or something trying to make their skull-house more of a home by adding a veranda is deeply amusing to me. Maybe rain kept getting in through the nasal cavity or something. You can’t tell from this distance, but I’m going to assume there are curtains hanging behind the eye sockets, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me.<br />
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<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.co.uk/2018/03/heartbroken-zx-spectrum.html"><b>Heartbroken, ZX Spectrum</b></a></div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-fe53DofLO-w/W7Torks1I9I/AAAAAAAAfpU/bQIzLVgVIsEJ1YMvTYPRj4ymMCidx6A8gCEwYBhgL/s1600/sc21.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1234" data-original-width="782" height="640" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-fe53DofLO-w/W7Torks1I9I/AAAAAAAAfpU/bQIzLVgVIsEJ1YMvTYPRj4ymMCidx6A8gCEwYBhgL/s640/sc21.jpg" width="404" /></a></div>
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“Gee, thanks for helping me dig up this grave, Mr. Werewolf! I knew I’d accidentally buried my favourite sling down there, now I can get back to practising for this year slingshot tournament! You’re the best, Mr. Werewolf!”<br />
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<b>I Spy: Spooky Mansion, Macintosh</b></div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wG7SIBY76eU/W7Tor9T4dMI/AAAAAAAAfpM/bcHxiYBzk7Icuzf5GtWpoRbnkOdF4i5AACEwYBhgL/s1600/sc22.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="786" data-original-width="795" height="632" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wG7SIBY76eU/W7Tor9T4dMI/AAAAAAAAfpM/bcHxiYBzk7Icuzf5GtWpoRbnkOdF4i5AACEwYBhgL/s640/sc22.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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Finally for today, here’s the French cover for <i>I Spy: Spooky Mansion</i>. A little more recent that I’d usually allow for this kind of article, but if you can think of a better ending for an article about Halloween-y game covers than a plastic toy skeleton posing jauntily in front of a haunted house then I’d like to hear it. No, seriously. <i>Tell me</i>.<br />
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<b>Recently on VGJUNK:</b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/10/frightmare-commodore-64.html">The 2018 Halloween Spooktacular begins with <i>Frightmare!</i></a><b> </b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/09/sas-combat-assault-zx-spectrum.html">No combat, just evil alarm clocks in <i>SAS Combat Assault!</i></a><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/09/fancy-world-earth-of-crisis-arcade.html">Orbs around the world with <i>Fancy World: Earth of Crisis!</i></a><b><br /></b></div>
VGJUNKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10847169968000988460noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1129376554965074880.post-74471423753092981112018-10-01T10:41:00.000-07:002018-10-01T10:41:43.735-07:00FRIGHTMARE (COMMODORE 64)Deep below VGJunk Towers, in a mouldering crypt littered with time-softened bones, scurrying vermin and empty biscuit packets, the heavy stone lid of a foetid tomb slowly slides open. From within, the hoarse voice of some ancient creature issues forth, speaking these portentous words: “Bloody hell, is it October <i>already?</i>” Yes, my friends, <i>yes it is</i>, and you know what that means – it’s time for the ninth annual <b>VGJunk Halloween Spooktacular!</b> An entire month featuring games of horror, grotesquerie, spirits, spectres and slime, and frankly we could all use some of the <i>fun</i> kind of horror to distract us from, you know, this garbage world and everything in it. I’m excited, and I’m going to make a real effort to get maximum enjoyment from this, my favourite time of year, starting with a Commodore 64 action game. A risky way to begin a season of fun, I admit, but let’s hope for a pleasant surprise with Cascade Game’s 1988 bad-dreams-em-up <i>Frightmare!</i><br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uahVugZXmc8/W7JWVvpGv4I/AAAAAAAAflg/a2WCJQpn3UgrfcfsLAzcADk3nP0a2940QCLcBGAs/s1600/fm01.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="410" data-original-width="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uahVugZXmc8/W7JWVvpGv4I/AAAAAAAAflg/a2WCJQpn3UgrfcfsLAzcADk3nP0a2940QCLcBGAs/s1600/fm01.png" /></a></div>
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When it comes to Halloween-themed games, you really cannot go wrong with a title like <i>Frightmare</i>, can you? It’s absolutely the kind of punning, unselfconsciously cheesy title that the season is made for, so even if the game itself turns out to be bad at least it’s added to the word “frightmare” to the Cryptkeeper-like assortment of compound words I’ve got in the ol’ memory banks.<br />
The loading screen’s pretty killer, too. An ectoplasmic logo, demonic eyes staring out of the gloom in a manner that I’m certain I’ve seen on the cover of a horror VHS and a poor lost soul trapped in the window of a cathedral. I think that’s supposed to be the player character, or at least a representation of the character’s anguish at being trapped in a frightful nightmare. Because it’s called <i>Frightmare</i>, you see. Okay, okay, let’s get started with the game.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-d4wJLgJqlM0/W7JWVobnMAI/AAAAAAAAflk/0MEsVa2W5-4N42OYydmki21oLR6NnehRgCLcBGAs/s1600/fm02.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="410" data-original-width="640" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-d4wJLgJqlM0/W7JWVobnMAI/AAAAAAAAflk/0MEsVa2W5-4N42OYydmki21oLR6NnehRgCLcBGAs/s1600/fm02.png" /></a></div>
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There’s nothing in the way of options, so it’s right into the action and if you have a morbid terror of white picket fences then <i>Frightmare</i> is going to send you into catatonic shock. Not really, those white things are bullets that you can collect. The “you” in question is the white humanoid figure at the bottom of the screen, with the pin-prick eyes and the wasp-like waist.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-hCm5vhaCWCY/W7JWVpZc_7I/AAAAAAAAflc/o-DaOHBKSUkAHxXGD6TVbRm7rgjzlmp9ACLcBGAs/s1600/fm03.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="410" data-original-width="640" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-hCm5vhaCWCY/W7JWVpZc_7I/AAAAAAAAflc/o-DaOHBKSUkAHxXGD6TVbRm7rgjzlmp9ACLcBGAs/s1600/fm03.png" /></a></div>
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In testing out the controls, I managed to jump up to the top of this tree in hopes of avoiding the various monsters. This taught me that our hero is a nimble sort, fleet of foot and quite good at jumping. You move left and right with the joystick and press up to jump, with the fire button being reserved for using the various items you’ll pick up on your travels. That includes using the bullets you’ve collected, but there’s one small issue on that front: I haven’t found a gun yet. I suppose I’d better get to exploring, then.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gAqPB3WwHF0/W7JWWZNghPI/AAAAAAAAflo/hSYERcMvw90-yb4FcUzBXR8k8j8AKQGqACLcBGAs/s1600/fm04.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="410" data-original-width="640" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gAqPB3WwHF0/W7JWWZNghPI/AAAAAAAAflo/hSYERcMvw90-yb4FcUzBXR8k8j8AKQGqACLcBGAs/s1600/fm04.png" /></a></div>
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Oh, the gun’s on the second screen. That’s handy. Unfortunately it’s surrounded by more ghosts than your average ruined abbey or fire-damaged Victorian orphanage, and even after only two screens it’s clear that <i>Frightmare</i> is one of <i>those</i> games. You know, the kind where monsters swarm all over the sodding screen, respawning in endless waves and using their lack of corporeal bodies to fly right through the scenery and into your face. It’s a good job the main character is quite easy to handle, then, and to be fair not all the monsters roam freely through the air. The hooded ghosts, for example, appear only on that one platform and move from right to left, and part of a successful run at <i>Frightmare </i>comes from learning which enemies are more like stage hazards and which will dash towards you like an affectionate puppy. The puppy being a baby Cerberus, in this case.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-glYIsvIa9ok/W7JWW_mzdiI/AAAAAAAAfls/07GASTY2VuocbkzEYzG35t_w8AOQIDLWgCLcBGAs/s1600/fm05.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="410" data-original-width="640" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-glYIsvIa9ok/W7JWW_mzdiI/AAAAAAAAfls/07GASTY2VuocbkzEYzG35t_w8AOQIDLWgCLcBGAs/s1600/fm05.png" /></a></div>
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How did a bullet that big come out of a barrel so narrow? It is all down to the twisted logic and shifting laws of the dreamscape, dear traveller – always a classic cop-out for these kinds of situations. I’d love to tell you that now I’m armed I feel more powerful and better equipped to tackle this nightmare, but that would be a lie. For starters, not all enemies can be harmed by the gun, so while these flying monster bonces go down in one shot there are plenty of other creatures that’ll ignore your bullets entirely. Plus you’ve got limited ammo, both in terms of what you can carry at once and also because bullets <i>don’t </i>respawn, meaning there’s a fixed amount of ammunition for the entire game. This means the gun works more as a last-gasp defensive option rather than an offensive mainstay, which I quite like: it fits the idea of <i>Frightmare</i> being a desperate struggle to survive, rather than having you control the murderous hybrid of the Doom Guy and Morph.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-VpFMDt6ecis/W7JWXWU01kI/AAAAAAAAflw/KXS_5V7Z5fkx2Q_BcSAnIgUyzX_TFfuoQCLcBGAs/s1600/fm06.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="410" data-original-width="640" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-VpFMDt6ecis/W7JWXWU01kI/AAAAAAAAflw/KXS_5V7Z5fkx2Q_BcSAnIgUyzX_TFfuoQCLcBGAs/s1600/fm06.png" /></a></div>
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Also adding to this feeling is the player character’s spider-monkey-like platforming tendencies. If something in this game looks even a <i>little</i> horizontal, you can stand on it. Individual tree branches, the tops of columns, the <i>middle</i> of columns provided they have a decorative lintel, brickwork, heads impaled on pikes – they all act as platforms, so when you’re moving around each screen there’s a sense that you’re scurrying around, clambering from perch to perch. However, there is a problem with this: you can’t fall down “through” platforms like you can in many other platformers, so you have to move left and right to find a place to drop down and it’s not always clear where those gaps are, as we shall see.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-a1PT0_kmVFI/W7JWX_Ub5JI/AAAAAAAAfl0/tJ9h1m-8-SAbKPRy6AdB5YeEfaaQF1gzQCLcBGAs/s1600/fm07.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="410" data-original-width="640" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-a1PT0_kmVFI/W7JWX_Ub5JI/AAAAAAAAfl0/tJ9h1m-8-SAbKPRy6AdB5YeEfaaQF1gzQCLcBGAs/s1600/fm07.png" /></a></div>
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With a handle on the controls, I started getting into the exploration proper. Task number one was figuring out what all the various collectable items do. Some are straightforward pick-ups, like the rings that give you an extra life or the score-increasing chalices. The rest are inventory items with a variety of effects. For example, the cross pictured above can be activated at any time by pressing the fire button. What does it do? It clears the screen of certain types of enemies. Which enemies? Who knows, have fun finding out. You can carry three inventory items at a time and you cycle between them by pressing down on the joystick. This explains why you can’t fall through platforms, and there were plenty of times when I tried to use my gun only to realise I must have accidentally nudged down at some point without noticing, because I was now highlighting a completely different item or even an empty space. I’d say the inventory system works <i>okay</i>. I am unwilling to go any higher than that.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-pLlDvxwT9zM/W7JWYIiuNNI/AAAAAAAAfl4/7Oh3hRQ-Ak0V9x9y1B0Pk72g5C8cUmLtwCLcBGAs/s1600/fm08.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="410" data-original-width="640" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-pLlDvxwT9zM/W7JWYIiuNNI/AAAAAAAAfl4/7Oh3hRQ-Ak0V9x9y1B0Pk72g5C8cUmLtwCLcBGAs/s1600/fm08.png" /></a></div>
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After some exploring and plenty of restarts - because this game is ruthless when it comes to killing the player at the drop of a hat - I found myself in a twisted bio-mechanical cavern with an H.R. Giger-inspired visual style and a squadron of aerial skulls that seem to be mostly minding their own business. What business a huge flying skull might have is a mystery that may never be solved, although I suspect they’re trying to find a way to brush their teeth without arms. Dental hygiene is very important when teeth are all you have.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ASXud-AmKEc/W7JWYTDz7XI/AAAAAAAAfl8/5RPeUlgbeeo3e1Ngglpv2KIF92nFrMhBQCLcBGAs/s1600/fm09.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="410" data-original-width="640" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ASXud-AmKEc/W7JWYTDz7XI/AAAAAAAAfl8/5RPeUlgbeeo3e1Ngglpv2KIF92nFrMhBQCLcBGAs/s1600/fm09.png" /></a></div>
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The world of <i>Frightmare</i> is split into four “zones” that each have their own visual style. We started out in a graveyard area and now we’re in the “we were going to make a game based on <i>Aliens</i> but we changed our minds” portion. I’m claiming the H.R. Giger connection, but honestly this area is reminding me more of ZX Spectrum nightmare generator <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2012/05/soft-cuddly-zx-spectrum.html"><i>Soft and Cuddly</i></a> more than anything else. <i>Frightmare</i> did get a release on the ZX Spectrum, and even a DOS version, but there doesn’t seem to be much between them and the C64 version looks the best, so that’s why I picked it.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wL0kNh4UR-A/W7JWYbU2RZI/AAAAAAAAfmA/68a89bJVqW4kP95GCFr6HS_go9ZUNMj1gCLcBGAs/s1600/fm10.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="410" data-original-width="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wL0kNh4UR-A/W7JWYbU2RZI/AAAAAAAAfmA/68a89bJVqW4kP95GCFr6HS_go9ZUNMj1gCLcBGAs/s1600/fm10.png" /></a></div>
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And <i>Frightmare does</i> look good. It doesn’t have the most technically impressive sprite work, of course, but it makes up for it in the weirdness of the visual design and the appealingly unpleasant enemies. Your foes are a good mix of familiar monsters and slightly stranger apparitions, ranging from gloopy mud-men and disembodied hands to crowds of praying supplicants and fiery faces that fade in and out of the background. They’re definitely the kind of freaks that you’d want to airbrush on the side of a carnival ghost train, which makes them perfect for the Halloween season.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-JncfZtq3aIw/W7JWYuTaxQI/AAAAAAAAfmE/Z4AOdaoEGgUcseTKgACns7dPSSBV6INRQCLcBGAs/s1600/fm11.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="410" data-original-width="640" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-JncfZtq3aIw/W7JWYuTaxQI/AAAAAAAAfmE/Z4AOdaoEGgUcseTKgACns7dPSSBV6INRQCLcBGAs/s1600/fm11.png" /></a></div>
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Now we enter the third zone, the execution grounds. It’s all gallows and guillotines – mental note, write that down as the title for a potential <i>Ghouls ‘n’ Ghosts </i>rip-off – where pitchfork-wielding devils patrol the wooden boards and skulls pile up like empty beer cans after a raging house party. We’re covering a lot of Halloween themes in this one, huh? Maybe the last zone will a cabin in the forest, or the underground farm where they grow each year's crop of new clowns.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-vN05zxfYnxI/W7JWYzaDHJI/AAAAAAAAfmI/xHzw5lTSpgog06RWlE2Goqx5Pa83RgThACLcBGAs/s1600/fm12.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="410" data-original-width="640" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-vN05zxfYnxI/W7JWYzaDHJI/AAAAAAAAfmI/xHzw5lTSpgog06RWlE2Goqx5Pa83RgThACLcBGAs/s1600/fm12.png" /></a></div>
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I mentioned that it can sometimes be difficult to see where the platforms begin and end, and here’s an extreme example. You can walk atop some of these skulls but not others, leading to lots of wiggling left and right to find the spot where you can drop down. Don’t get me wrong, I still think this is a cool screen – I would not run the Spooktacular every year if a videogame room composed entirely of blood-red skulls didn’t do it for me – but it could stand to be a little easier to navigate.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-j-OeQymtoMM/W7JWZKgkAdI/AAAAAAAAfmM/MGGFa-oPbwsSQLAfQvar1gLzU-5VYeG-QCLcBGAs/s1600/fm13.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="410" data-original-width="640" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-j-OeQymtoMM/W7JWZKgkAdI/AAAAAAAAfmM/MGGFa-oPbwsSQLAfQvar1gLzU-5VYeG-QCLcBGAs/s1600/fm13.png" /></a></div>
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The final background theme is the mad science lab. Yeah, I’ll take it. Brains in jars, labyrinthine pipework, half-grown mutants sticking out of what look like hyper-advanced toilets. Normal scientists need not apply. Highly skilled plumbers <i>should</i> apply, this place desperately needs them.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-TDp231W4NDA/W7JWZWHhq3I/AAAAAAAAfmQ/_Tp9vuPezFIAE9q_nbUXxlpmKjbp1-HzgCLcBGAs/s1600/fm14.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="410" data-original-width="640" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-TDp231W4NDA/W7JWZWHhq3I/AAAAAAAAfmQ/_Tp9vuPezFIAE9q_nbUXxlpmKjbp1-HzgCLcBGAs/s1600/fm14.png" /></a></div>
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You might have noticed – you know, assuming you have eyes – that there’s an ever-changing two-word phrase at the top of the screen. “Fearful Vision,” it says, and buddy you ain’t kidding: I’ve played enough <i>Castlevania</i> games to be fearful whenever I see a hovering Medusa head. This might seem like an important part of <i>Frightmare</i>’s mystery, but it’s just your score. I know, I was a little disappointed too. Every time you gain points by killing monsters or collecting chalices the words fill up and eventually change. There are a bunch of combinations of “word meaning scary” and “word meaning dream,” starting with “Bad Dream” and going through such variations as “Cruel Trance,” “Horrible Vision” and “Evil Illusion,” with the highest score resulting in a title of “Nefarious Frightmare.” So, if you<i> are</i> struggling to find a name for your new fantasy-prog-metal band then just play a bit of <i>Frightmare</i>, you’ll have potential names coming out of your ears in no time.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Sss-WruUCJo/W7JWZgV2xhI/AAAAAAAAfmU/JfIBMUiN2swed6BsH_uE3baH-10o-RGPACLcBGAs/s1600/fm15.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="410" data-original-width="640" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Sss-WruUCJo/W7JWZgV2xhI/AAAAAAAAfmU/JfIBMUiN2swed6BsH_uE3baH-10o-RGPACLcBGAs/s1600/fm15.png" /></a></div>
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By now I’ve played a decent chunk of <i>Frightmare</i> and I am having fun with it, although admittedly it feels like I’m enjoying it<i> despite </i>the gameplay. It’s ridiculously difficult, that’s the main issue. I’m used to Commodore 64 games being cruel to the point of sadism, but <i>Frightmare</i> pushes that bar ever upwards with endless swarms of fast-moving enemies that kill you at the slightest contact and often <i>can’t </i>be fought.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-QpqWd4284PM/W7JWZ4AghwI/AAAAAAAAfmY/PGK4TITu7NYdJRooRBtAlW2gUIqPdFYLQCLcBGAs/s1600/fm16.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="410" data-original-width="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-QpqWd4284PM/W7JWZ4AghwI/AAAAAAAAfmY/PGK4TITu7NYdJRooRBtAlW2gUIqPdFYLQCLcBGAs/s1600/fm16.png" /></a></div>
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I also managed to get myself stuck a few times, trapped in the bowels of the maze where all exits were just out of jumping range, or I’d accidentally grabbed all the items that grant you a super-jump and then wasted them when I suddenly had to dodge a monster. Those things don’t reappear, folks. Getting completely trapped is always extremely frustrating in any game, and it’s especially aggravating in a game like <i>Frightmare</i> where progress all-or-nothing. My advice is to make sure you always have a signpost item in your inventory, because using it will warp you to a different screen. This means that your inventory space is reduced by 33 percent, of course, but it beats twiddling your thumbs at the bottom of the dungeon with only screaming demon faces for company. I can go to the Job Centre for that kind of experience, I don’t need it from my Commodore 64 games.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/---3EILeOKIE/W7JWaMp2EnI/AAAAAAAAfmc/MiphrhRc4fYxyyo8nEv3uVW2qSpn_yLSwCLcBGAs/s1600/fm17.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="410" data-original-width="640" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/---3EILeOKIE/W7JWaMp2EnI/AAAAAAAAfmc/MiphrhRc4fYxyyo8nEv3uVW2qSpn_yLSwCLcBGAs/s1600/fm17.png" /></a></div>
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There’s one question that I’ve neglected to answer, and that’s what we’re supposed to be <i>doing</i>. Travelling around screens that look like four competing dungeon-themed tourist attractions is fun and all, but there has to be a goal, and indeed there is. You have to advance the clock at the bottom-right of the screen to 8:12 in the morning, at which point our hero’s alarm clock goes off and he awakens from this frightmare. Look, they gave me the word “frightmare” and I’m bloody well going to use it, okay?<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-D_l0oj2CmXk/W7JWaZUdQEI/AAAAAAAAfmg/SjWVrbTW5rQecNJIQZ5b2v7CBwOqyKxfQCLcBGAs/s1600/fm18.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="410" data-original-width="640" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-D_l0oj2CmXk/W7JWaZUdQEI/AAAAAAAAfmg/SjWVrbTW5rQecNJIQZ5b2v7CBwOqyKxfQCLcBGAs/s1600/fm18.png" /></a></div>
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Each new screen you enter adds six minutes to the clock, so it should be a simple matter of getting as far as you can and visiting as many unique screens as possible until it’s time to get up. However, the clock starts at midnight and, as far as I can tell, the game contains 79 screens. If my maths is correct (and it might well not be) that means you can only get the time up to 7:54. Thus<i> Frightmare</i> is impossible to complete – and here I thought it was being crap at computer games that would prevent me from seeing the ending. Perhaps this was the point, and <i>Frightmare</i>’s never-ending challenge is intended to represent the helplessness you feel when trapped in a nightmare. Maybe the developers did it on purpose to generate a sense of intrigue around the game. Or it’s a bog-standard cock-up. That does feel like the most plausible answer.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dpnEBNdh9DA/W7JWaUo8PPI/AAAAAAAAfmk/_8qhbwcRNSkBE6Ti8Nb_QRNIm5uZRM1YwCLcBGAs/s1600/fm19.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="410" data-original-width="640" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dpnEBNdh9DA/W7JWaUo8PPI/AAAAAAAAfmk/_8qhbwcRNSkBE6Ti8Nb_QRNIm5uZRM1YwCLcBGAs/s1600/fm19.png" /></a></div>
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With no final goal to aim for and most of the game world explored, I suppose it’s time to wrap <i>Frightmare</i> up. It’s a game of mixed virtues, so let’s start with the positives. It looks nice, as mentioned earlier, and I really like the monster designs. For the first game of this year’s Halloween Spooktacular it certainly packs in more than enough freaks and mutants to keep me happy. I particularly like the large yellow chaps pictured in the screenshot above, who walk around with their palms raised as though they’re on the verge of using a kung-fu palm strike or something. Y’see? <i>Weird.</i><br />
The basic mechanics of the game are solid, too, with your character controlling fairly well, occasional inventory issues aside, and the gameplay is fast and fluid with the occasional “puzzle-like” room thrown in to break up the regular arcade-style action.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-lFotb6I1izY/W7JWadYkx6I/AAAAAAAAfmo/nqATwTt5TkUkGav4tFSBwKyiGykUP6mmwCLcBGAs/s1600/fm20.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="410" data-original-width="640" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-lFotb6I1izY/W7JWadYkx6I/AAAAAAAAfmo/nqATwTt5TkUkGav4tFSBwKyiGykUP6mmwCLcBGAs/s1600/fm20.png" /></a></div>
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However, <i>Frightmare</i> is badly hampered by the needlessly high difficulty level and the unrelenting waves of enemies, especially when looking back on it from a modern perspective. If it had half the amount of monsters at a time and your gun didn’t take up an inventory space I’d be a lot freer in my praise. Perhaps unsurprisingly my advice is to play<i> Frightmare</i> with a cheat for infinite lives or something, because in my opinion it works much better as a digital safari where the enjoyment comes from seeing what bizarre scenario will appear next, rather than “beating” the game. In that respect it reminds me, again, of <i>Soft and Cuddly</i>. That game will haunt me forever, it seems.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gyJRrxvWqww/W7JWa7-g5qI/AAAAAAAAfms/WhsjHOKSDCMHlYNFqNCaYx1ENSYEltUEgCLcBGAs/s1600/fm21.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="410" data-original-width="640" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gyJRrxvWqww/W7JWa7-g5qI/AAAAAAAAfms/WhsjHOKSDCMHlYNFqNCaYx1ENSYEltUEgCLcBGAs/s1600/fm21.png" /></a></div>
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<i>Frightmare</i> gets my qualified approval, then. Obviously it’s a shame that there’s no ending, but what would that ending be? Some bloke sitting up in bed and saying “man, I’ve got to lay off the cheese suppers?” I don’t think we’re missing out on anything earth-shattering there.<br />
That’s the first game of this year’s Halloween season covered, then, but there’s one more thing before I go – that’s right, it’s the return of the VGJunk Halloween-O-Meter! As always, this rating is not based on how good a game is but rather how <i>Halloween-y </i>it is. It’s a shifting, imprecise rating system based mostly on my personal whims and how many pumpkins are in the game, and I’m going to award <i>Frightmare…</i><br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-GvtSQ0tQzzA/W7JWbPju1aI/AAAAAAAAfmw/PYr_EPMAiycuWkkjYlk5fAZVg8cS0g_NwCLcBGAs/s1600/hallmeter18_8.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="404" data-original-width="315" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-GvtSQ0tQzzA/W7JWbPju1aI/AAAAAAAAfmw/PYr_EPMAiycuWkkjYlk5fAZVg8cS0g_NwCLcBGAs/s1600/hallmeter18_8.png" /></a></div>
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Eight out of ten seems about fair. It’s definitely spooky, and anything less than eight for a game containing so many brains in jars would be criminal, but it’s missing some of the vital Halloween ingredients that would push it right to the top of the scoreboard. The fact that it’s called “<i>Frightmare</i>” very nearly pushed it to a nine but I’ve got to leave myself some room to manoeuvre, you know?<br />
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<b>Recently on VGJUNK:</b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/09/sas-combat-assault-zx-spectrum.html">No combat, just evil alarm clocks in <i>SAS Combat Assault!</i></a><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/09/fancy-world-earth-of-crisis-arcade.html">Orbs around the world with <i>Fancy World: Earth of Crisis!</i></a><b><br /></b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/09/black-touch-96-arcade.html">Bonkers bootleg brawler <i>Black Touch 96!</i></a>
<b> </b></div>
VGJUNKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10847169968000988460noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1129376554965074880.post-12513515328694198772018-09-25T10:58:00.003-07:002018-09-25T10:58:28.526-07:00SAS COMBAT ASSAULT (ZX SPECTRUM)Okay, back me up here: if <i>you</i> were playing a game called <i>SAS Combat Assault</i>, you’d expect it to be an action-packed warfare simulator where you take on the role of the elite Special Air Service and fight against threats to crown and country, right? Just checking, because the 1993 ZX Spectrum game <i>SAS Combat Assault </i>is… not that. So what <i>is </i>it? Well, let’s find out!<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-k_ePeap8ZRU/W6p2ftPTD4I/AAAAAAAAfjk/7xvYO2M7fpAQIFqtWPUyiBf51bGbKBcAQCLcBGAs/s1600/sa01.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="352" data-original-width="484" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-k_ePeap8ZRU/W6p2ftPTD4I/AAAAAAAAfjk/7xvYO2M7fpAQIFqtWPUyiBf51bGbKBcAQCLcBGAs/s1600/sa01.png" /></a></div>
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At least the title screen seems to match the name of the game, with a camo-clad soldier holding a gun while a swarm of hand grenades buzz around him. I say that’s a gun, it could quite easily be a large piece of liquorice that the soldier’s saving for when he needs a quick energy boost or, given the position of his hands, he’s having a really hard time fastening his belt. The odds on it actually being a gun are further reduced when you look at the controls scheme and realise there’s no button for <i>fire</i>. That’s a bit worrying, but let’s get started and see what <i>SAS Combat Assault</i> is all about.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Gmq8X5eUpi4/W6p2fk8lGyI/AAAAAAAAfjo/S4v-oMgmhBESeqnLb4--QxfdVG3M1zhlQCLcBGAs/s1600/sa02.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="380" data-original-width="506" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Gmq8X5eUpi4/W6p2fk8lGyI/AAAAAAAAfjo/S4v-oMgmhBESeqnLb4--QxfdVG3M1zhlQCLcBGAs/s1600/sa02.png" /></a></div>
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Here we are outside 10 Downing Street, home of the British Prime Minister and, one imagines, the milkman’s most nerve-wracking delivery of the day. Next to the milk bottles are a pair of grenades. You’d think that policeman would have<i> some</i> reaction to the hand grenades, either in their capacity as the protector of the Prime Minister or as a human being with grenades next to their feet, but the plod remains unmoved. <i>So</i> unmoved, in fact, that I suspect he might be a cardboard cut-out. Is this a satirical swipe at austerity politics? Erm, no, this game came out in 1993. The policeman’s just scenery, that’s all.<br />
The SAS soldier <i>can</i> move, of course, and that’s what you’ll be doing for the duration of the game; moving left and right, jumping and ducking. It’s never explained in-game and it doesn’t actually accomplish anything, but the closest thing <i>SAS Combat Assault</i> has to an objective is collecting all the hand grenades located in 10 Downing Street and its vicinity. No, you cannot throw the hand grenades you collect. The SAS are famed for their pacifism, after all.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-PR5aVSXx9xA/W6p2fgila7I/AAAAAAAAfjs/wle3rycw4jIQN2XLSQE640bqWohY03fVACLcBGAs/s1600/sa03.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="378" data-original-width="506" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-PR5aVSXx9xA/W6p2fgila7I/AAAAAAAAfjs/wle3rycw4jIQN2XLSQE640bqWohY03fVACLcBGAs/s1600/sa03.png" /></a></div>
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I don’t know what I expected when I entered the building, but I <i>can </i>say I didn’t expect to be attacked by killer alarm clocks. The alarm clocks scoot along the floor and are instantly fatal to the touch. It’s an interesting decision to equate the physical toughness of an SAS soldier with the fluffy seed-head of a malnourished dandelion, but here we are.<br />
Without a weapon with which to fight back against the alarm clock menace, our hero is restricted to jumping and ducking to get past the obstacles and on to the next screen. Here it’s a simple enough matter of hopping over the low-lying clocks…<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-zSNR7TPMdhE/W6p2gOBfYII/AAAAAAAAfjw/B3QHKSfLEoQdM68fLSDM5HJ2q640xMU5gCLcBGAs/s1600/sa04.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="382" data-original-width="512" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-zSNR7TPMdhE/W6p2gOBfYII/AAAAAAAAfjw/B3QHKSfLEoQdM68fLSDM5HJ2q640xMU5gCLcBGAs/s1600/sa04.png" /></a></div>
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Then I reached the next screen, where this low-high-low arrangement of killer clocks stumped me for quite a while. Part of the problem is that you can stand on the <i>door panels</i>, because the game treats them as platforms for some reason and when you end perched a foot above the floor it can really throw off your plan of attack. The other problem – and you may have noticed this yourself – is that the player character's sprite is <i>fucking massive</i>. Just <i>ridiculously</i> lanky, taking up eighty percent of the screen’s vertical height with his delicate, easily-killed frame. To say this makes avoiding obstacles difficult would be an understatement.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3k7bkd5I5Vk/W6p2geFyq8I/AAAAAAAAfj0/cPq9QY8WDygGhqoGwoFF-zuvHoEDJy0RACLcBGAs/s1600/sa05.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="380" data-original-width="510" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3k7bkd5I5Vk/W6p2geFyq8I/AAAAAAAAfj0/cPq9QY8WDygGhqoGwoFF-zuvHoEDJy0RACLcBGAs/s1600/sa05.png" /></a></div>
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And so Big Boy Soldier Man makes his way through the corridors of power, collecting grenades and failing to avoid the hazards because he’s the size of – and about as manoeuvrable as – a mighty redwood. We’ve already seen all the gameplay<i> SCA</i> has to offer, so there’s nothing else to do but travel the four floors of Downing Street and jump over some hedgehogs.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-eLOuXMzC4LE/W6p2gi-sFrI/AAAAAAAAfj4/nrH1YVhPkl8g2aQDnt3XRGdhdXWTxrx6ACLcBGAs/s1600/sa06.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="384" data-original-width="512" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-eLOuXMzC4LE/W6p2gi-sFrI/AAAAAAAAfj4/nrH1YVhPkl8g2aQDnt3XRGdhdXWTxrx6ACLcBGAs/s1600/sa06.png" /></a></div>
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That’s right, hedgehogs. Not armed terrorists, not nefarious villains who plot of kidnap the Prime Minister and hold the country to ransom, but hedgehogs. Bright pink hedgehogs, sure, maybe even hedgehogs with malice aforethought, but they’re still just <i>hedgehogs</i>.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TqOVVJDku84/W6p2gujdXUI/AAAAAAAAfj8/3BA-JB8rXn4aOWC9BVDr_g_deTWCzadhgCLcBGAs/s1600/sa07.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="378" data-original-width="508" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TqOVVJDku84/W6p2gujdXUI/AAAAAAAAfj8/3BA-JB8rXn4aOWC9BVDr_g_deTWCzadhgCLcBGAs/s1600/sa07.png" /></a></div>
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It makes a bit more sense that you’d find hedgehogs in Downing Street’s back garden, I suppose. Let’s just hope <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Downing_Street_mortar_attack">the IRA don’t launch a mortar attack</a> while we’re out here. If our hero is killed by brushing against a hedgehog, getting hit by a mortar strike would probably cause a fracture in space-time that wipes out his decendants for a thousand years hence.<br />
Rather unsettlingly, there are a pair of very small underpants hanging from the washing line. The Prime Minster in 1993 was John Major, so we’re left with the deeply unpleasant mental image of Major squeezing himself into a tiny pair of budgie smugglers.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wTtWWwaUWbA/W6p2glYbn7I/AAAAAAAAfkA/0mXR85HCAeUvwRvz-TtfHDa_5xxyEY1hwCLcBGAs/s1600/sa08.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="380" data-original-width="506" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wTtWWwaUWbA/W6p2glYbn7I/AAAAAAAAfkA/0mXR85HCAeUvwRvz-TtfHDa_5xxyEY1hwCLcBGAs/s1600/sa08.png" /></a></div>
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The second floor is patrolled by a rogue vacuum cleaner, or possibly a severed human leg. You might be wondering how you get past it when it covers almost as much of the screen’s vertical height as Stretch Armstrong here, and I was wondering that too until I bit the bullet and jumped into it. I emerged unscathed on the other side, because apparently only the very bottom part of the vacuum has a hitbox. Naturally this was not communicated to the player in any way.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MpU_lFOHUIs/W6p2g7oI4fI/AAAAAAAAfkE/pQZSzvXeIgYy0v183YZRA3rxNSPfau_UQCLcBGAs/s1600/sa09.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="380" data-original-width="512" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MpU_lFOHUIs/W6p2g7oI4fI/AAAAAAAAfkE/pQZSzvXeIgYy0v183YZRA3rxNSPfau_UQCLcBGAs/s1600/sa09.png" /></a></div>
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Roughly in the centre of the game map is the Cabinet Room, which is the only room in the game to get an on-screen label. I have no idea why this is the case. I have no idea why <i>any</i> of this is happening, to be perfectly honest. I’ve got my theories about how<i> SCA</i> ended up being made the way it was, though, and that’s that the designer thought “hey, I’ve made a really cool-looking sprite that’s big and detailed, so let’s stick it in a platformer that really needs a much smaller player character. Also I couldn’t figure out how to code a firing gun so this soldier’s only weapon is the hope that his sheer inadequacy will make the enemies take pity on him.”<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Va_oau9bLrQ/W6p2hV6ceaI/AAAAAAAAfkI/DGWieTrrIkIpKHuJOcl4JVkWJNgahi7BQCLcBGAs/s1600/sa10.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="378" data-original-width="508" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Va_oau9bLrQ/W6p2hV6ceaI/AAAAAAAAfkI/DGWieTrrIkIpKHuJOcl4JVkWJNgahi7BQCLcBGAs/s1600/sa10.png" /></a></div>
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Ah yes, the Prime Ministerial khazi. There’s something very British about the detail of having the toilet brush included here, I feel. Here you can also see the eye-prickling graphical clashes that SCA is absolutely rife with. If it were me, I would have styled it out as being intentional – the soldier is such a master of camouflage that he can blend in with any scenery, a veritable chameleon of a man!<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ADwHOz3dgF0/W6p2h91oJfI/AAAAAAAAfkM/96kiDndsWXgI3e1W408NJXz54EXFOF8aACLcBGAs/s1600/sa11.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="380" data-original-width="510" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ADwHOz3dgF0/W6p2h91oJfI/AAAAAAAAfkM/96kiDndsWXgI3e1W408NJXz54EXFOF8aACLcBGAs/s1600/sa11.png" /></a></div>
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There are a bunch of balconies at the ends of each floor. They’re the same as the indoor areas, with obstacles to avoid and grenades to gather, but I suspect that there is such a preponderance of balconies because this is (allegedly) a game about an SAS soldier, and thanks to <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iranian_Embassy_siege">the 1980 Iranian Embassy siege</a> the SAS have something of a history with balconies. There's nothing as exciting as hostage rescue or rappeling down the building in this one, of course, but you can take a shortcut to the ground floor by walking right off the balcony. Just try not to land on a hedgehog.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-PTE5ruNHPEA/W6p2iH4TSfI/AAAAAAAAfkQ/WQY4fPq9JwQ2jE_CsupSN1mDSTsCJtlywCLcBGAs/s1600/sa12.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="384" data-original-width="512" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-PTE5ruNHPEA/W6p2iH4TSfI/AAAAAAAAfkQ/WQY4fPq9JwQ2jE_CsupSN1mDSTsCJtlywCLcBGAs/s1600/sa12.png" /></a></div>
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The top levels of the building are patrolled by these pointy-nosed gremlins in comfortable sweaters. They’re functionally the same as all the other enemies, but I believe they’re supposed to be former Labour Party leader<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neil_Kinnock"> Neil Kinnock</a>, or perhaps his army of lab-grown homunculus clones. More specifically, I think they’re based on Kinnock’s <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spitting_Image"><i>Spitting Image</i></a> puppet, although they look more like Little My from the <i>Moomin </i>books to me.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7QfO6V7tgl4/W6p2iZAcAOI/AAAAAAAAfkU/50b4o-CVOmkGkvH9hu2XgNBh2osv5ndxACLcBGAs/s1600/sa13.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="382" data-original-width="508" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7QfO6V7tgl4/W6p2iZAcAOI/AAAAAAAAfkU/50b4o-CVOmkGkvH9hu2XgNBh2osv5ndxACLcBGAs/s1600/sa13.png" /></a></div>
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By now I’d explored most of the building – it’s not very big – and I was close to having collected all the grenades. “What joy,” I thought, “soon this game will be over and I can write a quick article about how weird it is that a game called<i> SAS Combat Assault</i> contains no combat and the only assault is on your eyeballs.” Then, for reasons I may never ascertain, all the grenades respawned.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-E4AJ8YHmI7I/W6p2itlc3_I/AAAAAAAAfkY/S2jTL8Ia858p31PCCDQPHDfyOSH0xPskQCLcBGAs/s1600/sa14.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="382" data-original-width="512" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-E4AJ8YHmI7I/W6p2itlc3_I/AAAAAAAAfkY/S2jTL8Ia858p31PCCDQPHDfyOSH0xPskQCLcBGAs/s1600/sa14.png" /></a></div>
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Undeterred, I gathered all the mental strength and POKES for complete invulnerability I could muster and dashed through 10 Downing Street once more, this time managing to grab every grenade in the place and… nothing happened. Some naive, hopeful part of me thought the game might end, if not with a proper ending then at least a congratulatory message along the lines of “Well done, you’ve stopped the sinister machinations of the Hand Grenade Fairy” but alas, the game just kept going. I’ve definitely seen enough, though. More than enough, thanks to that washing line.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-QI5HbDDfDLg/W6p2i4xWJkI/AAAAAAAAfkc/F0_F6FqL09sG0kleRVVbGFi8ZuMSSRFZACLcBGAs/s1600/sa15.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="382" data-original-width="512" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-QI5HbDDfDLg/W6p2i4xWJkI/AAAAAAAAfkc/F0_F6FqL09sG0kleRVVbGFi8ZuMSSRFZACLcBGAs/s1600/sa15.png" /></a></div>
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<i>SAS Combat Assault</i> is a pretty terrible game, with a hero who’s too big for the world he inhabits and awkward, fiddly gameplay that would surely prevent anyone from extracting any pleasure from the proceedings. I mean honestly, what kind of game allows you get stuck halfway up the side of a door like those pictures of goats standing on the face of a dam? Yet I can’t be too harsh on it, because <i>SCA</i> wasn’t a proper retail release. Instead it appeared on a cover tape attached to <i>Sinclair User </i>magazine and was obviously a one-man job. That would be the <i>January 1993</i> issue of <i>Sinclair User</i>, by the way – over a decade after the ZX Spectrum launched. Okay, maybe I <i>can</i> be a bit rougher on<i> SCA</i>. You know what else was released around this time? The first <i>Starfox</i> game. Yikes.<br />
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<b>Recently on VGJUNK:</b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/09/buffalo-bills-wild-west-show-amiga.html">Multi-event cowboy minigames in <i>Buffalo Bill's Wild West Show!</i></a><b> </b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/09/fancy-world-earth-of-crisis-arcade.html">Orbs around the world with <i>Fancy World: Earth of Crisis!</i></a><b><br /></b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/09/black-touch-96-arcade.html">Bonkers bootleg brawler <i>Black Touch 96!</i></a><b> </b><br />
<b> </b></div>
VGJUNKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10847169968000988460noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1129376554965074880.post-56400641421680837962018-09-22T08:50:00.004-07:002018-09-22T08:55:12.217-07:00BUFFALO BILL'S WILD WEST SHOW (AMIGA)I’m sure a lot of you are looking forward to <i>Red Dead Redemption 2</i>. Ah, the lure of the untamed West, rifle-fire echoing down a lonesome canyon, hours spent parking your horse on top of dead animals so you could harvest their skin without having to see the associated cutscene for the seven thousandth time. No, wait, that was the <i>first Red Dead Redemption</i>. While we all wait for Rockstar’s latest git-along-little-dogie-em-up, here’s another slice of Wild West action that’ll make you really appreciate modern videogames: it’s Tynesoft’s 1989 Amiga game <i>Buffalo Bill’s Wild West Show, </i>also known as <i>Buffalo Bill's Rodeo Games!</i><br /><i></i><br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-pih5nzjpzi4/W6ZjfPMuD2I/AAAAAAAAfhg/PbK-7j_aADwpY6x8oMF0KsJbS0zaw9aLQCLcBGAs/s1600/bb01.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="640" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-pih5nzjpzi4/W6ZjfPMuD2I/AAAAAAAAfhg/PbK-7j_aADwpY6x8oMF0KsJbS0zaw9aLQCLcBGAs/s1600/bb01.png" /></a></div>
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Here’s William Frederick Cody himself, or Buffalo Bill to his friends. I image most people will still at least recognise the name Buffalo Bill, and that’s hardly surprising because he was one of the most famous people in the world around the turn of the twentieth century. A legend of the Old West, Buffalo Bill rode for the Pony Express, fought in the America Civil War and shot a bewildering amount of buffalo, hence the name. So well-know was he that both King George V and Kaiser Wilhelm II took a break from that minor kerfuffle called the First World War to pay their condolences when he died. Bill’s fame came in large part from his travelling Wild West Show, a mixture of sharp-shooters, battle re-enactments and (presumably) grisly mountains of dead buffalo, a show which toured Europe and the USA. That’s what this game is inspired by, so grab your shootin’ irons and get ready for yet another entry in the interminable genre of home-computer multi-event sports titles!<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-UBlYWDeIHgg/W6ZjfPFnXRI/AAAAAAAAfhc/eUb50vsTjS82VDyfh0KyJ0ZZshtFZQReQCLcBGAs/s1600/bb02.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="640" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-UBlYWDeIHgg/W6ZjfPFnXRI/AAAAAAAAfhc/eUb50vsTjS82VDyfh0KyJ0ZZshtFZQReQCLcBGAs/s1600/bb02.png" /></a></div>
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That’s right,<i> Buffalo Bill’s Wild West Show</i> is a multi-event sports game, although at least the Wild West Show theme provides a pretty sensible reason to offer up a selection of cowboy-themed minigames. Event names like Bronco Riding and Steer Wrestling immediately conjure images of joysticks knackered beyond repair by intense waggling, but hopefully the shooting games will be less taxing on the hardware.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-RnkwICSt-a8/W6ZjfElTveI/AAAAAAAAfhk/zAMwFnEyLYsJeObJyikcksi4jbTu4IMpQCLcBGAs/s1600/bb02b.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="399" data-original-width="635" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-RnkwICSt-a8/W6ZjfElTveI/AAAAAAAAfhk/zAMwFnEyLYsJeObJyikcksi4jbTu4IMpQCLcBGAs/s1600/bb02b.png" /></a></div>
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First up is Knife Throwing, as presented by a Native American chap who smiles fondly at a hovering knife. Perhaps the knife was a gift from a long-ago lover, or perhaps he admires the intricate detail on the sheathe. Intricate is the word, and you can’t fault <i>Buffalo Bill’</i>s pixel work on these splash screen – it’s all very crisp and well-drawn. I’d go so far as to say it’s the game’s best feature. I’d have said that<i> before </i>I’d played any of the minigames, to be honest. I’ve played enough home computer multi-event sports games to know what’s coming.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-BKG-CAmtETA/W6Zjf8pUxuI/AAAAAAAAfho/7eJMLDlDQX81rv9ePSCg9YyLCNXThKyrACLcBGAs/s1600/bb03.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="402" data-original-width="639" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-BKG-CAmtETA/W6Zjf8pUxuI/AAAAAAAAfho/7eJMLDlDQX81rv9ePSCg9YyLCNXThKyrACLcBGAs/s1600/bb03.png" /></a></div>
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Yep, that’s about what I expected. Some poor woman is strapped to a revolving wheel, and you’re tasked with throwing knives near – but not <i>at</i> – her. Knives that land closer to the woman score more points, and you control the action with either the mouse or a joystick. I went with the mouse, hoping it would give me greater control, but alas the crosshair wobbles around the screen in a manner that suggests the knife-thrower is standing atop a partially-filled waterbed. So, you move the cursor to roughly the right spot, holding the jiggling crosshair as near to the woman as you dare, then you press fire to throw the knife. There’s a fair old delay between pressing the button and the knife landing, so while there is some skill involved the sullen hand of Luck weighs heavy around your shoulder during this event.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-1IlUBbNMMWI/W6Zjf09IZpI/AAAAAAAAfhs/f9ze9J_F-n8FTePdvTDabB-Kchmeeg9bwCLcBGAs/s1600/bb04.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="640" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-1IlUBbNMMWI/W6Zjf09IZpI/AAAAAAAAfhs/f9ze9J_F-n8FTePdvTDabB-Kchmeeg9bwCLcBGAs/s1600/bb04.png" /></a></div>
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You get eight knives to throw and score points with so, erm, do that. Try not to get distracted by the horse or the gopher that sometimes pops out of the ground. Once you’ve thrown your knives it’s on to the next event… okay, fine. I know you’re all wondering what happens if you hit the woman with a knife, you jackals.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Piv9qqhJJNI/W6ZjgapoPvI/AAAAAAAAfhw/B94yXemNtJQDo_QG_ry4QJuRbqz1cR0LQCLcBGAs/s1600/bb05.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="640" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Piv9qqhJJNI/W6ZjgapoPvI/AAAAAAAAfhw/B94yXemNtJQDo_QG_ry4QJuRbqz1cR0LQCLcBGAs/s1600/bb05.png" /></a></div>
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The screen runs red with blood and the knife-throwing competition immediately ends, as you'd bloody well hope it would. Sadly there is no “panicked call to the insurance company” minigame.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-4iKCPDc54Oo/W6ZjghCduII/AAAAAAAAfh0/CSjVKz1MyIAUnwbtrCztI53HeQgCh4KXACLcBGAs/s1600/bb06.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="640" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-4iKCPDc54Oo/W6ZjghCduII/AAAAAAAAfh0/CSjVKz1MyIAUnwbtrCztI53HeQgCh4KXACLcBGAs/s1600/bb06.png" /></a></div>
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Here’s a gun. I assume it’s a Colt Single Action Army, what with this being a Wild West game and all. Mind you, everything I know about revolvers I learned from Revolver Ocelot, so I wouldn’t take <i>my</i> word for it. Do you think gun nerds ever get confused as to why “ocelot” keeps popping up in the autocomplete when they’re looking up Colt SAAs online?<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-diD5EPpPS9o/W6Zjg6Z-2bI/AAAAAAAAfh4/rn0DtcpKahM35-aPPhHaZH7ijfkXwHOAQCLcBGAs/s1600/bb07.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="640" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-diD5EPpPS9o/W6Zjg6Z-2bI/AAAAAAAAfh4/rn0DtcpKahM35-aPPhHaZH7ijfkXwHOAQCLcBGAs/s1600/bb07.png" /></a></div>
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The first part of this event has the shooting part down but not so much the “trick” bit. It’s a fairly standard videogame shooting gallery, where cardboard cut-outs of various people appear and you have to assess their threat levels before blowing the appropriate targets away. I must confess I had some trouble on that front. The identifying part, I mean. Some of the targets easily discounted, of course: gunning down little kids and unarmed women is almost always frowned upon in these kinds of games.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2P6sqlHt-NA/W6ZjhBCECdI/AAAAAAAAfh8/Ur8ARrmZC6cvZWYNjZ4klHYLxNkF_NK2gCLcBGAs/s1600/bb08.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="399" data-original-width="640" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2P6sqlHt-NA/W6ZjhBCECdI/AAAAAAAAfh8/Ur8ARrmZC6cvZWYNjZ4klHYLxNkF_NK2gCLcBGAs/s1600/bb08.png" /></a></div>
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But then there are scenarios like this, where a man with his hands on his holsters and a look of steely determination in the two pixels that make up his eyes lurches out at me. He’s clearly getting ready to draw, so I fired first and whoops, I guess the tiny star on his chest means he’s the sheriff and now I’m wanted for killing a lawman. There are also targets that appear facing <i>away</i> from you and you’re presumably penalised for being the kind of coward that would shoot a man in the back, even though logically that’s the best place<i> to</i> shoot someone.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-m4-rKb3YTOI/W6Zjhay37LI/AAAAAAAAfiA/bsMAlWNdrIQVPQ1M4EfTlIEkb7Cl3Fe2QCLcBGAs/s1600/bb09.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="398" data-original-width="640" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-m4-rKb3YTOI/W6Zjhay37LI/AAAAAAAAfiA/bsMAlWNdrIQVPQ1M4EfTlIEkb7Cl3Fe2QCLcBGAs/s1600/bb09.png" /></a></div>
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Your actual targets are anyone with a gun in their hand who’s looking right at you, and they make up a surprisingly small proportion of the potential targets. The trick to this trick shooting is not falling asleep while waiting for a viable target to appear.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1CfKUXTZivk/W6ZjhgIGexI/AAAAAAAAfiE/XMqekFqZdE8KEoPi3YSk6j-kmymkeBwSQCLcBGAs/s1600/bb10.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="401" data-original-width="642" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1CfKUXTZivk/W6ZjhgIGexI/AAAAAAAAfiE/XMqekFqZdE8KEoPi3YSk6j-kmymkeBwSQCLcBGAs/s1600/bb10.png" /></a></div>
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The second half is a bottle shooting challenge where your cowpoke assistant throws glass bottles across the screen in a variety of trajectories and you have to shoot them out of the air. The same crosshair wobble from the knife-throwing game is in effect here, and while it didn’t matter much (or at all) in the target shooting round, here the precision required to hit the bottles is such that it’s frustrating to have your crosshair right over the bottle, only for it to suddenly jerk out of the way. Other than that – and the need to reload your gun by hitting the right mouse button – it’s just pointing, and indeed clicking.<br />
The music helps keep things interesting. It’s an aggressively jolly version of the folk song “Shortnin’ Bread,” which isn’t very interesting in and of itself but it did remind me to listen to <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uYinJU4Df6M">The Cramps tearing through their version of Shortnin’ Bread</a>, so it gets points for that.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-65dpzVRlWJw/W6Zjh-U983I/AAAAAAAAfiI/gl4yAdzhqo0WEkZ2wgeEj7X_f0-114dBQCLcBGAs/s1600/bb11.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="381" data-original-width="639" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-65dpzVRlWJw/W6Zjh-U983I/AAAAAAAAfiI/gl4yAdzhqo0WEkZ2wgeEj7X_f0-114dBQCLcBGAs/s1600/bb11.png" /></a></div>
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Event number three is Bronco Riding. If this title screen is to believed, the act of bronco riding fills a cowboy with a sense of transcendental bliss. That’s what I’m reading into his expression, anyway. Also I know he’s wearing a cowboy hat but I can’t see it as anything but a massive afro.<br />
Right, here we go. Ridin’ a bucking bronco. So, how does this wor…<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-KpoXs4AwNE8/W6ZjiOydEuI/AAAAAAAAfiM/7S9gE-2OEXgsJamOOQ55XY3bR64u7pJOgCLcBGAs/s1600/bb12.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="397" data-original-width="638" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-KpoXs4AwNE8/W6ZjiOydEuI/AAAAAAAAfiM/7S9gE-2OEXgsJamOOQ55XY3bR64u7pJOgCLcBGAs/s1600/bb12.png" /></a></div>
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Aaand I’m down. It wasn’t so much a display of bronco riding as it was a fast-acting horse catapult. I know the timer at the top-right says I lasted six seconds, but I did not. The timer in this game runs really fast, and in reality I lasted about<i> one</i> second. In my defence, the game does not exactly ease you into the event gently.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-caEX9uqIiFA/W6ZjiUpt2lI/AAAAAAAAfiQ/IbGaDIMNhCoGr12DKltFxvsUxhYUAe9-wCLcBGAs/s1600/bb13.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="399" data-original-width="642" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-caEX9uqIiFA/W6ZjiUpt2lI/AAAAAAAAfiQ/IbGaDIMNhCoGr12DKltFxvsUxhYUAe9-wCLcBGAs/s1600/bb13.png" /></a></div>
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The horse goes all-out to evict the cowboy as soon as the event starts, but I tried again and this time I was prepared for the gameplay, which involves nothing more than holding the joystick in the direction of the arrows that pop up on screen. Obviously the arrows are constantly changing direction, so a successful bronco ride is a test of reactions. It’s okay, I suppose. Not particularly exciting, but enlivened by the rather fun graphics of the horse thrashing around as I’m sure we all would if some moustachioed lunatic with a name like Jeb or Cletus jumped onto our backs. Or maybe you wouldn’t. I don’t know what kind of stuff you’re into.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Bv9gydyBggI/W6ZjijYThCI/AAAAAAAAfiU/6CffkULgCIgCToVgFvhLe9F9GqcnWv2wACLcBGAs/s1600/bb14.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="399" data-original-width="639" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Bv9gydyBggI/W6ZjijYThCI/AAAAAAAAfiU/6CffkULgCIgCToVgFvhLe9F9GqcnWv2wACLcBGAs/s1600/bb14.png" /></a></div>
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On to the second disk and the fourth event with Stage Coach Rescue. We’re rescuing it from that Native American chap sitting on top. The law of the Old West is harsh, and there can be no mercy for fare-dodgers.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Laz3rS_NShA/W6Zji1a8aMI/AAAAAAAAfiY/n_6LQVYcTGcdLuA4D_yv8Rw53MX2OJh8gCLcBGAs/s1600/bb15.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="641" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Laz3rS_NShA/W6Zji1a8aMI/AAAAAAAAfiY/n_6LQVYcTGcdLuA4D_yv8Rw53MX2OJh8gCLcBGAs/s1600/bb15.png" /></a></div>
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Up until now<i> Buffalo Bill’s Wild West Show</i> has been relatively inoffensive, but the stage coach chase sees it dip into some deeply frustrating territory. It’s a two-part event, and your first mission is to catch up to the stagecoach. You can move your horse up and down to avoid the energy-sapping crates that are thrown from the top of the stagecoach, but to actually reach the stagecoach you have to waggle the joystick left and right. You have to waggle it a <i>lot</i>. A ludicrous amount, considering you also have to concentrate on not getting whacked by flying luggage. I would recommend wearing some kind of wrist brace, or possible strapping your controller to a high-powered reciprocating saw.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-IOEOHjAb8Og/W6ZjjFi9LwI/AAAAAAAAfic/zwwZ9eZTTxcmf_-1lFDN_vo0Y-a8b11SQCLcBGAs/s1600/bb16.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="399" data-original-width="642" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-IOEOHjAb8Og/W6ZjjFi9LwI/AAAAAAAAfic/zwwZ9eZTTxcmf_-1lFDN_vo0Y-a8b11SQCLcBGAs/s1600/bb16.png" /></a></div>
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You’re goddamn right I am, this is the most physical effort I’ve expended since an ill-advised attempt to run for a bus in 2013. After many attempts – and starting the game again so I could turn the difficulty down from medium to easy, which didn’t seem to make any difference – I finally managed to catch the carriage and climb aboard.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-8Zl4AqmFQ70/W6ZjjYSxRnI/AAAAAAAAfig/-GURS8Rbcm8iq-e7flVZHKSgQgodGWzcACLcBGAs/s1600/bb17.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="641" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-8Zl4AqmFQ70/W6ZjjYSxRnI/AAAAAAAAfig/-GURS8Rbcm8iq-e7flVZHKSgQgodGWzcACLcBGAs/s1600/bb17.png" /></a></div>
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Now comes the<i> difficult </i>part of the event. It’s a mano-a-mano fist-fight now, in a fairly typical style for a computer game of this vintage. You can throw punches at your opponent’s head, or you can crouch down and try to punch him square in the dick, which would be a fitting punishment for making me do all that joystick waggling. You can also hold fire and backwards to block, a technique that is only useful to precognitive psychics who know what attacks are coming because there’s no chance you’ll be able to<i> react</i> in real time.<br />
I never managed to clear this event. It was just too damn hard. Between the fact that you’ll almost certainly be missing some energy from the first half of the stage, the sluggish movements of your cowboy and the strict time limit, emerging victorious was beyond me. If my time spent looking up gameplay videos of this section is anything to go by, it’s completely beyond everybody else, too.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ejrqDJjtqfM/W6Zjjk6bbTI/AAAAAAAAfik/yJRdY18ddlUbuPgVtuN35M337sk4ccWTwCLcBGAs/s1600/bb18.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="365" data-original-width="624" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ejrqDJjtqfM/W6Zjjk6bbTI/AAAAAAAAfik/yJRdY18ddlUbuPgVtuN35M337sk4ccWTwCLcBGAs/s1600/bb18.png" /></a></div>
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Time to pick on weaker, more vulnerable target with some calf roping. Is that cowboy holding the end of his lasso in his teeth? Well, I suppose dentistry was hard to come by in the Wild West.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Z0JPUrSx0Qo/W6ZjjyIxCOI/AAAAAAAAfio/OvjAM8svp54GEIFIvTUAWw6-emzJC1p9QCLcBGAs/s1600/bb19.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="398" data-original-width="639" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Z0JPUrSx0Qo/W6ZjjyIxCOI/AAAAAAAAfio/OvjAM8svp54GEIFIvTUAWw6-emzJC1p9QCLcBGAs/s1600/bb19.png" /></a></div>
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Oh good, this is a much more gentle gameplay experience than the last event. You chase down the calf by moving the joystick in the four main directions. Catching up to the calf isn’t difficult in itself, but you have to be at a specific distance to the side of the calf for a successful lasso throw: too close or too far away and you’ll miss, and you’re only given one chance to throw your rope. Plus, the track is littered with obstacles like hay bales and barrels, and touching one will also cause you to fail. Thus the event becomes a test of patience, where you wait for the right moment to strike, when man, cow and rope are perfectly aligned. I kinda like it, and I think if you fleshed this event out a bit, maybe with multiple cows to rope or different courses, it could be fairly entertaining.<br />
Oh, and I’m sorry to disappoint you but that meter at the bottom of the screen doesn’t say “danceometer.” It’s “distanceometer,” because you can run out of track if you don’t catch the calf in time. I wish it <i>was</i> a danceometer. You fill it up and all the cowboys in the stand jump down and perform a rousing version of “Oklahoma!” or something. The calf slips away in the confusion, escaping to a life running free on the plains, everybody wins.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-k6mZa_RL6pE/W6Zjj5w74TI/AAAAAAAAfis/ZEyO0B9AtEAoQWnVZcey78-usobulo_iwCLcBGAs/s1600/bb20.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="402" data-original-width="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-k6mZa_RL6pE/W6Zjj5w74TI/AAAAAAAAfis/ZEyO0B9AtEAoQWnVZcey78-usobulo_iwCLcBGAs/s1600/bb20.png" /></a></div>
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The final event is Steer Wrestling and not, as this picture suggests, Riding a Bull Like a Motorcycle and Drop-Kicking a Horse. <br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-erb3CJBJNww/W6Zjj_lI6tI/AAAAAAAAfiw/0hfRdPWiIYMTbRiDW4VuYrO_fwV4kPY-gCLcBGAs/s1600/bb21.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="641" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-erb3CJBJNww/W6Zjj_lI6tI/AAAAAAAAfiw/0hfRdPWiIYMTbRiDW4VuYrO_fwV4kPY-gCLcBGAs/s1600/bb21.png" /></a></div>
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Steer wrestling is a mixture of previous events’ controls schemes, with the first part being much like calf roping: get your horse alongside the bull without crashing into anything. Once you’re in position, press fire you jump from your horse and grab the bull by the, well, you know. You can retry the events as many times as you like, so I’d recommend jumping when you’re nowhere near the bull at least once because it’s pretty funny watching the cowboy swan-dive into the mud.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-hsgo0X6ezPI/W6Zjkd6zhtI/AAAAAAAAfi0/182auqLyZcgzBfCkdTJ167N5HX6toY53ACLcBGAs/s1600/bb22.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="401" data-original-width="640" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-hsgo0X6ezPI/W6Zjkd6zhtI/AAAAAAAAfi0/182auqLyZcgzBfCkdTJ167N5HX6toY53ACLcBGAs/s1600/bb22.png" /></a></div>
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Okay, so you’ve got a grip on the furious, thrashing bull and you’re probably thinking “maybe this wasn’t the best idea I’ve ever had, I should have stuck with gold prospecting or whistling along the lonesome trail or whatever else it is that cowboys do.” Tough, you’re here now and you’ve got a steer to wrestle. That means more joystick waggling. Here’s what the resulting struggle ’twixt man and beast looks like.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-U4K4VPcFJPI/W6Zjkgunr2I/AAAAAAAAfi4/RqCSEI03E8oVRmGrGnAm_lWWDU-BK2cUACLcBGAs/s1600/bb23.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="394" data-original-width="468" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-U4K4VPcFJPI/W6Zjkgunr2I/AAAAAAAAfi4/RqCSEI03E8oVRmGrGnAm_lWWDU-BK2cUACLcBGAs/s1600/bb23.gif" /></a></div>
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That bull is <i>not</i> pleased about this turn of events. Excellent work here on the artist’s part, managing to capture a look of pure black hatred in the steer’s eyes. The cowboy might have wrestled it to the ground, but he’s going to have to let go at some point and then, well, there’s probably a reason that this is the last event.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3HqiJtyUDDo/W6Zjk17rCuI/AAAAAAAAfi8/k2mxqA1-WSoSEGgF269huflEQyh8jF6KACLcBGAs/s1600/bb24.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="401" data-original-width="638" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3HqiJtyUDDo/W6Zjk17rCuI/AAAAAAAAfi8/k2mxqA1-WSoSEGgF269huflEQyh8jF6KACLcBGAs/s1600/bb24.png" /></a></div>
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With all events cleared the game abruptly ends, and you’re back to the main menu where you can reflect on what you’ve just experienced. I’ll tell you what <i>I</i> experienced – the horrible sensation of having multiple songs stuck in my head at once, thanks to <i>Buffalo Bill’s Wild West Show</i> having a soundtrack containing extremely jaunty versions of tracks like “Oh Susanna” and the William Tell Overture, every one of which reminds me of watching old Hanna-Barbera cartoons.<br />
As for the gameplay, it’s a mixture of the passable and the annoying. The shooting events are okay, although too basic to hold your interest, the cattle-grabbing games are a bit more enjoyable but still very limited and the stagecoach chase is a festering lesion on Satan’s ballbag. Okay, that’s going a bit far but it definitely isn’t <i>fun</i>. I’m sticking by my assertion that the graphics are by far the best part of <i>Buffalo Bill’s Wild West Show</i>, but apart from the visual flair on display it’s just yet another entry in the long, long list of underwhelming home computer multi event sports games – and it didn’t make me want to say yee-haw even once.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-GENY4Bt7edU/W6Zjk_YjlKI/AAAAAAAAfjA/hTEeIqmUH_E8xgfp_Bzt7OqS2CAdPIScwCLcBGAs/s1600/bb25.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="638" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-GENY4Bt7edU/W6Zjk_YjlKI/AAAAAAAAfjA/hTEeIqmUH_E8xgfp_Bzt7OqS2CAdPIScwCLcBGAs/s1600/bb25.png" /></a></div>
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One last thing – I checked the high score tables to see how well I’d done (answer: not very) and saw that the developers had populated the board with “comedy” names, including members of the Addams Family, characters from the Rik Mayall / Adrian Edmondson shows <i>The Young Ones</i> and <i>Filthy, Rich and Catflap</i> and the set pictured above, which are all characters from the “beloved” and definitely not for children British comic <i>Viz</i>. Roger Mellie, Buster Gonad, Billy the Fish, the gang’s all here. Of course, this is a sign that I should get around to covering the <i>Viz</i> computer game at some point. I might have to put a content warning on that one.<br />
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<b>Recently on VGJUNK:</b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/09/fancy-world-earth-of-crisis-arcade.html">Orbs around the world with <i>Fancy World: Earth of Crisis!</i></a><b><br /></b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/09/black-touch-96-arcade.html">Bonkers bootleg brawler <i>Black Touch 96!</i></a><b> </b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/09/nintendos-web-games.html">Nintendo's website minigames!</a><b> </b><br />
<b> </b></div>
VGJUNKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10847169968000988460noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1129376554965074880.post-85053836345788176442018-09-18T10:38:00.006-07:002018-09-18T10:38:48.576-07:00FANCY WORLD: EARTH OF CRISIS (ARCADE)I’m tired of this dismal planet, this grubby orb of shame and regret. We need a better world, a brighter world - dare I say it, a <i>fancy</i> world. I’d love to tell you that Korean developer Unico can offer that world with their 1996 arcade game <i>Fancy World: Earth of Crisis</i>, but this is merely a sub-par arcade platformer and will do little to help forge the world we deserve.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DCLHUmpurys/W6E0SOrrnoI/AAAAAAAAffc/oKrNqEqDpyQCfMAQ26oG_3xq_WtReXA0ACLcBGAs/s1600/fw01.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DCLHUmpurys/W6E0SOrrnoI/AAAAAAAAffc/oKrNqEqDpyQCfMAQ26oG_3xq_WtReXA0ACLcBGAs/s1600/fw01.png" /></a></div>
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If there’s one thing I associate with the word “fancy” it’s rainbow-coloured balloons spelling out words so please don’t ask me to plan you a fancy wedding, you’ll regret it. The fact that this is also an Earth of Crisis is rather underplayed by the title screen. Accentuate the positives, I get it, but it’s the crisis I’ll be battling against rather than the fanciness. So what is the crisis at hand?<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Dy_Fkwq93Og/W6E0SGeH1YI/AAAAAAAAffY/OnEDvvlGYLMpvPIM6LB8k5iyHIYM99TBQCLcBGAs/s1600/fw02.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Dy_Fkwq93Og/W6E0SGeH1YI/AAAAAAAAffY/OnEDvvlGYLMpvPIM6LB8k5iyHIYM99TBQCLcBGAs/s1600/fw02.png" /></a></div>
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Oh, you know, the usual. A mad scientist with a vaguely Colonel Sanders vibe appears with nefarious plans in mind and a Trebor Extra-Strong Mint glued over his eye. “You are my obey orders,” he says. Look, his doctorate is in Mad Science, not English, okay? The villain never actually explains what these orders are, but until we obey them he’s going to hold the Earth hostage.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-z0eyeveqbZs/W6E0SIPxsOI/AAAAAAAAffU/nTfbuIsaBuULVufVjsfsGUiNyHbDyN_JwCLcBGAs/s1600/fw03.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-z0eyeveqbZs/W6E0SIPxsOI/AAAAAAAAffU/nTfbuIsaBuULVufVjsfsGUiNyHbDyN_JwCLcBGAs/s1600/fw03.png" /></a></div>
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I mean that literally. He’s holding a gun to the Earth’s head, having presumably created an unfathomably huge space cannon that he built in the shape of a revolver because what’s the point of being a global tyrant if you don’t have <i>panache?</i> The world looks understandably worried, so it’s up to our plucky heroes to saves the day by doing… something? I’ll be honest, I never really figured out what’s going on in this one, folks.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-rT60iRgRPzE/W6E0Suh1cEI/AAAAAAAAffg/uRyhmS68sxQVKvINz0iGt_SEmEuL4GkPgCLcBGAs/s1600/fw04.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-rT60iRgRPzE/W6E0Suh1cEI/AAAAAAAAffg/uRyhmS68sxQVKvINz0iGt_SEmEuL4GkPgCLcBGAs/s1600/fw04.png" /></a></div>
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To save the Earth one must<i> travel</i> the Earth, visiting each of these world in the hopes that somehow this will make the bad guy halt his evil plan. Each flag is a world consisting of five stages and sometimes a boss battle. Do you think each world will feature a stereotypical version of whatever country they take place in?<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-oiVYrMA5MwQ/W6E0SpQmMEI/AAAAAAAAffk/I79XX6c9JtM02AoXvO7qwu1a7MqBygLUwCLcBGAs/s1600/fw05.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-oiVYrMA5MwQ/W6E0SpQmMEI/AAAAAAAAffk/I79XX6c9JtM02AoXvO7qwu1a7MqBygLUwCLcBGAs/s1600/fw05.png" /></a></div>
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Well, the first country is “England” and the background is a big picture of Tower Bridge so yes, that’s exactly what’s happening. It’s always Tower Bridge or Parliament, isn’t it? C’mon, devs, give us a game set outside a Lidl in Hull or something.<br />
Oh, right, the gameplay. You’re in control of the blue-haired, cat-eared Amazon princess type at the top-left of the screenshot above, and it’s her job to clear each stage of monsters. I say monsters, this stage is filled with chickens. Large chickens, I grant you, chickens wearing shoes, but hardly <i>monstrous</i> chickens. They still need dealing with, though, and <i>Fancy World</i> fits neatly into that genre of single-screen arcade action games that I think of as “<i>Bubble Bobble</i> Games.” There are dozens of the things, from the aforementioned <i>Bubble Bobble</i> to <i>Snow Bros</i>. and lesser known examples like <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.co.uk/2013/08/funky-jet-arcade.html"><i>Funky Jet</i></a> or <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.co.uk/2015/03/diet-go-go-arcade.html"><i>Diet Go Go</i></a>. They’ve all got their own unique quirks, most often relating to <i>how</i> you defeat the monsters, so what’s <i>Fancy World</i>’s gimmick?<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-um6hjbJ0Aeg/W6E0SgzmFMI/AAAAAAAAffo/CpirB7Bujb4B1cp6LDtLwHtHC4Nfad4dwCLcBGAs/s1600/fw06.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-um6hjbJ0Aeg/W6E0SgzmFMI/AAAAAAAAffo/CpirB7Bujb4B1cp6LDtLwHtHC4Nfad4dwCLcBGAs/s1600/fw06.png" /></a></div>
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It, erm, doesn’t have one. No climbing on bubbles, no rolling the enemies up in snowballs, no nothing. You attack by throwing energy balls horizontally at the enemies; hit them three times and they’re defeated. That’s it. <i>Fancy World</i> is about as basic as this type of game gets, and as I jump between the platforms and tap the fire button to throw my projectiles I’m already starting to regret covering this game.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wutgiRQ4Ukg/W6E0SwwfvbI/AAAAAAAAffs/TAkoGHN3MQIQkZsMCvcCyZeHz71c9KbkACLcBGAs/s1600/fw07.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wutgiRQ4Ukg/W6E0SwwfvbI/AAAAAAAAffs/TAkoGHN3MQIQkZsMCvcCyZeHz71c9KbkACLcBGAs/s1600/fw07.png" /></a></div>
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We must hope that the enemy designs will keep us entertained until the gameplay sparks into life and hey, these dogs are pretty neat. They’ve got a projectile attack where they dig up bones and flick them towards you, that’s fun. Not sure why they’re wearing dungarees, but I suppose a fancy world deserves fancy dogs.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3qIBLRECif0/W6E0TBKdqyI/AAAAAAAAffw/W6lrEzsAYZY5S5mRbga2N7qsC2wVCbergCLcBGAs/s1600/fw08.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3qIBLRECif0/W6E0TBKdqyI/AAAAAAAAffw/W6lrEzsAYZY5S5mRbga2N7qsC2wVCbergCLcBGAs/s1600/fw08.png" /></a></div>
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After clearing five stages of very straightforward dog-and-chicken-bothering action, the first world is complete. Your reward is a picture of a woman in a vinyl suit who gives off a “circus ringmaster” aura, surrounded by floating bubbles filled with a bloke in a headband poking himself in the eye. Th-thanks? I guess?<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7MDU1HwK-z8/W6E0TBslxAI/AAAAAAAAff0/p_kgpXKQW_QZLPLHt6UWQUdQZRK-X9c5ACLcBGAs/s1600/fw09.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7MDU1HwK-z8/W6E0TBslxAI/AAAAAAAAff0/p_kgpXKQW_QZLPLHt6UWQUdQZRK-X9c5ACLcBGAs/s1600/fw09.png" /></a></div>
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World two has windmills, so it must be The Netherlands, famed as the home of superhero mice and blue hedgehogs, a character design that’ll never catch on. Speaking of character designs, I’m not sure why the developers decided to have the main character’s default expression be one of open-mouthed petulance, but I think it works quite well. She's as fed up of this bullshit as I am. The gameplay remains the same, but you probably guessed that already.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Xhl2JxYZR1E/W6E0TS8TKkI/AAAAAAAAff4/6fDWdfg16jsRUwZ-k8R_5S4H8rUxWIePgCLcBGAs/s1600/fw10.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Xhl2JxYZR1E/W6E0TS8TKkI/AAAAAAAAff4/6fDWdfg16jsRUwZ-k8R_5S4H8rUxWIePgCLcBGAs/s1600/fw10.png" /></a></div>
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I did manage to grab a couple of power-ups along the way.<i> Fancy World</i> gives you lots of items to collect, most of them being points-scoring items ranging from small coins to, erm, big coins. There are some food items to gather up too, and even some<i> negative</i> items like the bottle of whiskey that reverses your controls. I’ve never understood games that equating being drunk with reversed controls – if anything, being drunk in a videogame should just add a bunch of input delay to your actions, or possibly take control away from the player entirely and force their character to visit a kebab shop.<br />
One of the power-ups I found was a special item that, when used, freezes all enemies on-screen, which is helpful but not as good as the power-up that changes your orb projectiles into a massive laser beam that defeats all monsters in a single hit.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Yp3mAvl8FX4/W6E0TleCP7I/AAAAAAAAff8/8EDYphJHsAk6eAPkBd9K7MIdGLleCB3_QCLcBGAs/s1600/fw11.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Yp3mAvl8FX4/W6E0TleCP7I/AAAAAAAAff8/8EDYphJHsAk6eAPkBd9K7MIdGLleCB3_QCLcBGAs/s1600/fw11.png" /></a></div>
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At the end of every second world waits a boss, beginning with the best boss of them all: a flying jack o’lantern! I didn’t know Holland was renowned for its pumpkins, and this isn’t the most interesting pumpkin design I’ve ever seen, sure, but I’ll take what I can get. <br />
Unfortunately the boss fight is crap. Up until this point <i>Fancy World</i> has been a real breeze of a game, with your bulky, fast-firing projectiles easily clearing out the monsters as long as you manage to reach the low levels of concentration required to not jump directly into an enemy projectile. Then the boss shows up and fills the entire screen with exploding orbs that are difficult to avoid and protect the boss from <i>your </i>orbs. It all feels like a bit of a random mess, frankly.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-qAvLmWRi6mc/W6E0UD_8UuI/AAAAAAAAfgA/IVL83DWiPPcdLgWIW2mlSdXIlBXKoNlrACLcBGAs/s1600/fw12.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-qAvLmWRi6mc/W6E0UD_8UuI/AAAAAAAAfgA/IVL83DWiPPcdLgWIW2mlSdXIlBXKoNlrACLcBGAs/s1600/fw12.png" /></a></div>
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Oh, so you get a picture of an anime girl after every stage, huh? Seems to be a bit of a theme with the Korean arcade games <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/09/black-touch-96-arcade.html">I’ve played recently</a>. This one looks as though she’s real sad about the kung-fu ass-kicking she’s about to deliver. Perhaps she’s being forced to beat up a kitten against her will.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-tfo6GSIUg3I/W6E0UgMc9kI/AAAAAAAAfgE/vwovrG9aJocvpdbdAKGEK7RoKB-IPPH_ACLcBGAs/s1600/fw13.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-tfo6GSIUg3I/W6E0UgMc9kI/AAAAAAAAfgE/vwovrG9aJocvpdbdAKGEK7RoKB-IPPH_ACLcBGAs/s1600/fw13.png" /></a></div>
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Things pick up a bit in Australia, with a batch of new creatures that move a little faster and have more readily available projectile attacks. They’re an eclectic bunch. You’ve got deadly snakes, because of course you have, it’s Australia. Actually, I’m surprised that the enemies aren’t more heavily inspired by the stages that they inhabit. You get the odd one or two that fit the geography but it could have been laid on much more thickly – imagine being chased around the Netherlands stage by a possessed clog, or facing off against a kangaroo with an improvised explosive device stuffed down its pouch. Instead we get green spear-wielding creatures that my brain keeps telling me are rabbits even though they clearly are not, and fly-winged ladies with sprites copied from the main character who sometimes stop and bend over, flashing their arse at the player. It’s not an attack or anything, they’re just rude. Oh, and some unfortunate “bone-through-the-nose aboriginal savage” enemies that aren’t pictured here, blergh.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-YaNyibHTWjg/W6E0U2OvIXI/AAAAAAAAfgM/9dYocqhS8bsdEfP8EtTc4syfhwdWn1R2wCLcBGAs/s1600/fw14.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-YaNyibHTWjg/W6E0U2OvIXI/AAAAAAAAfgM/9dYocqhS8bsdEfP8EtTc4syfhwdWn1R2wCLcBGAs/s1600/fw14.png" /></a></div>
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After Australia is Greece, and the same enemy types are repeating now, which is very disappointing. The stages themselves are getting a bit more complicated, mostly through the addition of double-thickness platforms. You can drop down “through” the single-thickness platforms but not the double-thickness ones, meaning you have to pay a bit more attention to where you’re going.<br />
No idea what the bells are all about, though. Perhaps the villain's grand plan is to turn the Earth into the universe’s biggest fruit machine.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vWTQja_RnU0/W6E0VKui7xI/AAAAAAAAfgI/rdfcFxh82cEe4Ph_TmzdQDbqr9k7uxmMwCLcBGAs/s1600/fw15.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vWTQja_RnU0/W6E0VKui7xI/AAAAAAAAfgI/rdfcFxh82cEe4Ph_TmzdQDbqr9k7uxmMwCLcBGAs/s1600/fw15.png" /></a></div>
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This world’s boss is a pound-shop version of Air Man from <i>Mega Man 2</i>, an ambulatory fan that has two moves: slide from left to right, and slide from right to left. This is dangerous, because your character dies in one hit and takes a surprisingly long time to jump between the levels of the stage, so you’d get crushed a lot even if the stage wasn’t stuffed with murderous chickens. Hey, maybe the villain <i>is </i>Colonel Sanders. It’d explain all the chickens.<br />
All of <i>Fancy World</i>’s boss battle suffer from the same problem, in that the developers clearly couldn’t come up with any interesting mechanics for the boss fights so they overcompensated by filling the arena with hordes of annoying enemies. The chickens add nothing beyond nuisance value, but fortunately about half-way through the fight the boss suddenly stopped being able to hit me if I was standing on the bottom-most floor. A glitch? Probably, but I’ll take it.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-VkDxMsbxGsQ/W6E0VFGiIGI/AAAAAAAAfgQ/W0zg7QqAlN40as1khaMbYbfttL0164NxQCLcBGAs/s1600/fw16.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-VkDxMsbxGsQ/W6E0VFGiIGI/AAAAAAAAfgQ/W0zg7QqAlN40as1khaMbYbfttL0164NxQCLcBGAs/s1600/fw16.png" /></a></div>
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Onward to Brazil, where the chicken quotient is further increased with the addition of fire-breathing chickens. Or maybe the developers had just read that dinosaurs had feathers and so it stands to reason that dragons would <i>also </i>have feathers. Just ask the Aztecs, they know all about feathered serpents. Also, Christ the Redeemer looks on with disappointment but also, you would assume, with the compassion needed to forgive <i>Fancy World</i> for being so uninteresting.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-V_WeoE9sASQ/W6E0VW_FWcI/AAAAAAAAfgY/eJsVy7h1zWM-dqMX0Sf4zg66iI-OSKpugCLcBGAs/s1600/fw17.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-V_WeoE9sASQ/W6E0VW_FWcI/AAAAAAAAfgY/eJsVy7h1zWM-dqMX0Sf4zg66iI-OSKpugCLcBGAs/s1600/fw17.png" /></a></div>
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Next up is the USA. The USA’s most famous landmark is “dirt” and the most dangerous enemies here are blokes with guns. Cruel burn on the USA from Unico, there. There are also invisible children, or possibly invisible dogs. This is a world where either species is free to wear dungarees, after all.<br />
There are lots of enemies about and the platforms are small and fiddly to negotiate, so it seems like a good time to mention that not only is<i> Fancy World</i> boring on a core level, it doesn’t <i>play </i>very well. You’re in control of a real lummox of character, with movements that feel just heavy enough to make getting around a chore, especially the delay between pressing jump and actually jumping. I also struggled with getting off platforms, because you have no momentum when you walk off a platform and fall down. Rather than continuing to move forward slightly as you fall, you drop vertically downwards like someone filled your shoes with bricks, further increasing the leaden sensation of your character’s movements.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Ry7wepSL0XY/W6E0V-BTBcI/AAAAAAAAfgU/LznjtsY-d0wjtDB_46rLxl08Y4QkHCghQCLcBGAs/s1600/fw18.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Ry7wepSL0XY/W6E0V-BTBcI/AAAAAAAAfgU/LznjtsY-d0wjtDB_46rLxl08Y4QkHCghQCLcBGAs/s1600/fw18.png" /></a></div>
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Moving upwards is equally annoying thanks to the often vague platform boundaries. See the screenshot above for an example – I’m sure it’s not just me that thinks our heroine should land on the platform below her but no, she’s not far enough to the left and she’ll fall straight back through. This happens a lot in <i>Fancy World</i>, and it’s bad enough when you’re moving around a fairly empty stage – as soon as there are a few enemies and projectiles around, simply getting from one platform to the next becomes far more of a chore than it should be.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3U-bWctji3Q/W6E0WXgylPI/AAAAAAAAfgc/MF4S4x1yHSYmdcNN24QezE6LgQxr6Pr-gCLcBGAs/s1600/fw19.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3U-bWctji3Q/W6E0WXgylPI/AAAAAAAAfgc/MF4S4x1yHSYmdcNN24QezE6LgQxr6Pr-gCLcBGAs/s1600/fw19.png" /></a></div>
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The boss is a big pair of legs with a powerful cannon dangling below. Small wonder it has such a mischievous grin. It also has the ability to, you guessed it, spawn dozens of enemies. Just landing a hit on this bloody thing is a real accomplishment, because those enemies are more than willing to lay their life on the line for their leader and keep diving in front of your attacks.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-2x_EG23o0j8/W6E0Ws5PoqI/AAAAAAAAfgg/zP7CqxsBUfIyYS-CQ-FftY1nUvN0iy73wCLcBGAs/s1600/fw20.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-2x_EG23o0j8/W6E0Ws5PoqI/AAAAAAAAfgg/zP7CqxsBUfIyYS-CQ-FftY1nUvN0iy73wCLcBGAs/s1600/fw20.png" /></a></div>
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As we reach Easter Island, the small amount of steam that <i>Fancy World</i> had generated has well and truly run out, along with my patience and the oversized mug of coffee I was using to keep myself awake while wading through the swarms of recoloured enemies. It’s all just so charmless, without the precise controls and more in-depth gameplay mechanics of similar games to keep it interesting.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ykw0QjHtdgo/W6E0WrZ9cLI/AAAAAAAAfgk/UEUkK8jFxTIk-ymkiGZkqbMyYolzHYQ9gCLcBGAs/s1600/fw21.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ykw0QjHtdgo/W6E0WrZ9cLI/AAAAAAAAfgk/UEUkK8jFxTIk-ymkiGZkqbMyYolzHYQ9gCLcBGAs/s1600/fw21.png" /></a></div>
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Even the between-world anime girls have reached a nadir, with this one having a spinal configuration that I can’t explain but which has left me feeling rather uncomfortable. Seeing her <i>did </i>encourage me to stand up and stretch before getting back to my regular “hunching over my computer” activities, so that’s good, I suppose?<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-KckLrztHYh8/W6E0W4tzL3I/AAAAAAAAfgo/wq5n_DuAeYgRNCpyserXmXCWUl92AlHtgCLcBGAs/s1600/fw22.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-KckLrztHYh8/W6E0W4tzL3I/AAAAAAAAfgo/wq5n_DuAeYgRNCpyserXmXCWUl92AlHtgCLcBGAs/s1600/fw22.png" /></a></div>
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I’m skipping the completely uninteresting preceding stage to get straight to this world’s boss, a double-headed dragon that offers a tiny oasis of fun in an otherwise barren desert of killer chickens. It’s actually <i>cute</i>, can you believe, wobbling its twin heads around and breathing fireballs in a manner that feels like a sensible, decent, god-fearing videogame boss battle… but then loads of enemies spawn in and ruin the whole thing. You were so close, <i>Fancy World</i>, so close.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ki89j7Y58aA/W6E0XN7VycI/AAAAAAAAfgs/6i7h9WlPo8cudzTGe00es3ikcRGFOa6AwCLcBGAs/s1600/fw23.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ki89j7Y58aA/W6E0XN7VycI/AAAAAAAAfgs/6i7h9WlPo8cudzTGe00es3ikcRGFOa6AwCLcBGAs/s1600/fw23.png" /></a></div>
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Here’s Canada. It’s cold, boring and empty, and this stage isn’t much fun either. I’m kidding, Canadian readers, you’re all right by me.<br />
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I would have liked the ice platforms in this world to be slippery. Your character controls like crap anyway, but if they controlled like a different <i>kind </i>of crap for a while, that’d be something at least.<br />
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The final world takes place in the clouds. There are red lines on the clouds so you can see where the platforms actually begin and end, a feature that is welcome but which should have probably tipped the developers off that their platform-creating system needed a complete overhaul. All the different kinds of enemies are here. This is heaven, and I have chased them up to the celestial cloudscape so I can kill them all over again. That’s my story and I’m sticking with it, because if I don’t some up with <i>something </i>the crushing tedium will send me to sleep. I’m sorry for covering this one, folks – it’s easily the most boring game I’ve played in a long time. What the hell was I thinking? “Oh well, I’ve played most of it now, I’m sure I’ll be able to come up with <i>something </i>to say about<i> Fancy World?</i>” Pure hubris. I deserve everything I get.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-EV_S7Mb9NLo/W6E0XVuGUwI/AAAAAAAAfg0/xIiqQB15d-M4hn_YmV-MFPl0DVPG5mtEACLcBGAs/s1600/fw25.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-EV_S7Mb9NLo/W6E0XVuGUwI/AAAAAAAAfg0/xIiqQB15d-M4hn_YmV-MFPl0DVPG5mtEACLcBGAs/s1600/fw25.png" /></a></div>
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If you were looking forward to seeing the final boss of <i>Fancy World</i>, perhaps in the vain hope that it might be interesting enough to redeem the rest of the game – tough shit. There <i>is </i>no final boss. You just fight all the previous bosses a second time. They are not any more enjoyable this time around. I’m very tired now. So tired.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yiUb6y0yUT8/W6E0Xpm2CKI/AAAAAAAAfg4/yddoGP0BedwcWLK-S-doJ-nQ-QHyk1GqgCLcBGAs/s1600/fw26.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yiUb6y0yUT8/W6E0Xpm2CKI/AAAAAAAAfg4/yddoGP0BedwcWLK-S-doJ-nQ-QHyk1GqgCLcBGAs/s1600/fw26.png" /></a></div>
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Hang on, so that <i>wasn’t</i> a metaphor for the Earth being held hostage that we saw in the intro? It was actually a small creature <i>shaped like the Earth?</i> And I saved it? Is this thing the Fancy World of the title, a special little fancy boy? I don’t have the energy to crack this code, I’m afraid. As our heroine relaxes on the beach, I reckon I need a similar recuperative experience – although I don’t like the beach, so I’ll probably just go to bed with the <i>Nightmare on Elm Street</i> DVD box set. It’s getting to that time of year…<br />
<i>Fancy World: Earth of Crisis</i> is a videogame. That much is clear. However, it’s a generic videogame, a Tesco Value videogame, the supermarket own-brand equivalent of <i>Bubble Bobble</i> or similar and as such it has washed over me in a grey wave of mediocrity. It’s nowhere near bad enough to get worked up about, although it isn’t great either: the poor controls and repetitive gameplay see to that. It’s just really boring. It was nice to see a pumpkin as a boss, but as mental nourishment goes that was less a three-course-meal and more chewed gum from under a bus seat. Next time I will try to pick a more interesting game to cover. On of those ZX Spectrum railway management games, possibly.<br />
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<b>Recently on VGJUNK:</b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/09/black-touch-96-arcade.html">Bonkers bootleg brawler <i>Black Touch 96!</i></a><b> </b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/09/nintendos-web-games.html">Nintendo's website minigames!</a><b> </b><br />
<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/09/ghox-arcade.html">Ball innuendo generator <i>Ghox!</i></a><b> </b><br />
<b> </b></div>
VGJUNKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10847169968000988460noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1129376554965074880.post-85227741778662385032018-09-10T10:43:00.006-07:002018-09-10T10:43:58.227-07:00BLACK TOUCH 96 (ARCADE)Today I’ll be looking at a title that combines two of my favourite things: side-scrolling beat-em-ups and weirdo videogames that make me go “hmm” a lot while I’m playing them. Prepare yourself for a riotous rampage of wonky controls and outstandingly ugly characters with DGRM’s not-quite-finished arcade brawler <i>Black Touch 96!</i><br />
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I assume it’s called<i> Black Touch 96</i> because it was released in 1996 and it leaves you feeling kinda grubby after you’ve played it. Whatever the reasons for its name, here it is, with a big logo that obscures the game’s characters and a credit that lets us know this game was made in Korea. I’ve already said it’s a beat-em-up, so I’m sure you’ve already guessed that the plot involves our heroes setting out to rescue a kidnapped woman by cracking more skulls than an international headbutting tournament.<br />
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A bored-looking fifties greaser with upsettingly bendy arms abducts a young woman. The woman is so startled her eyes expand to “anime character accidentally sits on lit firework” levels, but of course the new eye mass has to come from <i>somewhere</i> so her hand shrinks in response. It’s just simple physics, people.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-KDQApuEhzUM/W5aq_0VbMyI/AAAAAAAAfcg/-Qp6oe-cvjwq4yrNrS1O3JezP8vgp2BNwCLcBGAs/s1600/bt03.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-KDQApuEhzUM/W5aq_0VbMyI/AAAAAAAAfcg/-Qp6oe-cvjwq4yrNrS1O3JezP8vgp2BNwCLcBGAs/s1600/bt03.png" /></a></div>
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Our hero receives what is presumably a ransom note, although his facial expression is eerily similar to <i>my </i>facial expression whenever I have to do some maths, so maybe he’s actually reading about linear algebra or something. He does look like the type who would struggle with any concepts more complicated than cutting the sleeves off t-shirts, and speaking of his clothes please note that in this intro he’s wearing a black top and jeans.<br />
So, batter everyone in sight and rescue the abductee. I’m sure I can manage that. Let’s get to it.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ALltRLoas80/W5asIhFVS9I/AAAAAAAAfek/ndiFcRYUP_IBA__wjwUrXueFxjENuK3ywCLcBGAs/s1600/bt03x.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ALltRLoas80/W5asIhFVS9I/AAAAAAAAfek/ndiFcRYUP_IBA__wjwUrXueFxjENuK3ywCLcBGAs/s1600/bt03x.png" /></a></div>
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I knew I was onto a winner when <i>Black Touch 96</i>’s first enemy was a man-baby with dungarees and a bulbous head trying to clobber me with a wrench. On the other hand, I<i> will</i> have to look at the main character for the entire game and that’s going to be difficult if he insists on wearing a bright orange shirt with cyan trousers and suspenders, as though his girlfriend was kidnapped when he was halfway through getting dressed for his first day at clown school.<br />
At first glance, the combat system is slightly more advanced than I thought it’d be, because you’ve got two attack buttons: one to punch and one to kick, plus a jump button. The punches allow you to hit enemies and keep them close by for (in theory) combo attacks, while the kick is a single hit that knocks enemies down and helps give you a bit of breathing space. You can also press jump and kick for the usual spinning attack that costs you some health to activate.<br />
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A couple of screens in, and more enemies have joined the fray, including husky chaps with viking helmets who ride around on skateboards. Here’s a hint, chaps; if your clothing is tight enough to show your bellybutton, maybe go up a couple of sizes. There’s also a racing driver hanging around at the back, plus a jumping woman trying to give our hero a high-heel lobotomy. Good luck hitting any grey matter with a weapon that small, ma’am.<br />
But wait, I recognise that lady’s jumping kick: it’s exactly the same pose as Poison and Roxy’s jumping kicks in <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.co.uk/2016/04/final-fight-arcade.html"><i>Final Fight.</i></a><br />
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The main character is also a trace job of Guy from <i>Final Fight</i>. Or maybe he<i> is</i> Guy, they both seem to have a fondness for unnecessarily orange outfits. By this point I’m completely unsurprised by a Korean videogame ripping off assets from other games – I just wished they’d managed to copy <i>Final Fight</i>’s gameplay, too.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-2EZvMl-2SWE/W5arAml664I/AAAAAAAAfcs/2Qrd-IFXBkMxJ1W3XKf5_8d41Y5nkxRdACLcBGAs/s1600/bt06.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-2EZvMl-2SWE/W5arAml664I/AAAAAAAAfcs/2Qrd-IFXBkMxJ1W3XKf5_8d41Y5nkxRdACLcBGAs/s1600/bt06.png" /></a></div>
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Yes, it doesn’t take long for the flaws in <i>Black Touch 9</i>6’s core gameplay to become painfully apparent. Take jumping, for example. It doesn’t work properly. You can jump straight upwards easily enough by pressing the button, but jumping <i>forwards?</i> Forget it. I know it is possible to jump forwards because I managed to do it once or twice, but the game is extremely reluctant to allow forward jumping no matter what positions you wrangle the joystick into, and a beat-em-up where you can’t readily launch yourself forwards with a jumping kick has let itself - and the genre as a whole - down badly.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-edg0_P_wPJ8/W5arA3i5REI/AAAAAAAAfcw/J1Hxkpt6K5oQXVYh8F34_Gn4M3li09DUACLcBGAs/s1600/bt07.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-edg0_P_wPJ8/W5arA3i5REI/AAAAAAAAfcw/J1Hxkpt6K5oQXVYh8F34_Gn4M3li09DUACLcBGAs/s1600/bt07.png" /></a></div>
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Then there are your “combo” attacks, such as they are. Most beat-em-ups have you chaining a string of attacks together by hitting the attack button repeatedly, but in <i>Black Touch 96</i> if you keep hitting punch you do the same punch over and over again… except sometimes you’ll perform a big axe kick as well. Perhaps unsurprisingly, I never figured out how to get this special attack to come out consistently. I’ve got the vague impression it’s something to do with holding the stick towards the enemy you’re hitting, but there’s definitely more to it than that. Using the kick button also occasionally produces a dashing attack, and I couldn’t figure<i> that</i> one out either. This leaves <i>BT96 </i>in the very frustrating position of clearly containing a variety of different attacks that could help keep the gameplay fresh and flowing, but there’s no way to use any of them when you <i>want</i> to. It’s the videogame equivalent of driving past a party you weren’t invited to before going home and trying to convince yourself you didn’t want to go to the stupid party anyway by eating five bags of Haribo.<br />
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And then Donkey Kong took me out from off-screen.<br />
At least the enemies are a fun bunch, from the wrench mutants to the ladies that attack by taking their hair off and whacking you with it and the belly-bouncing viking skateboarders. It’s a good job these enemies are interesting, because, erm, they’re about all you’re going to be seeing during the course of the game, with very few new enemy types being added as the game goes on.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-PZ8-Zr5aeig/W5arBUNEKmI/AAAAAAAAfc4/bpI7JneMD4M228YPuJ-nsBnLv0vKlcDqACLcBGAs/s1600/bt09.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-PZ8-Zr5aeig/W5arBUNEKmI/AAAAAAAAfc4/bpI7JneMD4M228YPuJ-nsBnLv0vKlcDqACLcBGAs/s1600/bt09.png" /></a></div>
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There are bosses, of course. Guarding the first stage is this massive boxer. He shouldn’t be too difficult to beat – he’s wearing a vest and a headguard so he’s clearly an <i>amateur </i>boxer and my ninja techniques should be more than up to the task. I say “my” ninja techniques, I mean Guy from <i>Final Fight</i>’s ninja techniques. The boss attacks with the giant punches you’d expect and a rather more surprising jumping kick, but I was right, he wasn’t difficult to beat. You see, your character’s basic punch is far faster than any of the<i> boss’</i> attacks, so once you’ve landed a punch you can just keep tapping the button to stunlock the boss without every actually knocking him down, giving him no chance to retaliate. Make sure you remember this strategy, because it works on <i>every </i>boss in the game. Yes, really.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-hYa2cHmSSl0/W5arBlpPYrI/AAAAAAAAfc8/KpkkczQXBE80H6Fovw43ZqeV_G0jfEC-QCLcBGAs/s1600/bt10.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-hYa2cHmSSl0/W5arBlpPYrI/AAAAAAAAfc8/KpkkczQXBE80H6Fovw43ZqeV_G0jfEC-QCLcBGAs/s1600/bt10.png" /></a></div>
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Your “reward” for clearing each stage is a cheesecakey picture of an anime girl. Fine if you like that sort of thing, but this picture’s sexiness is rather undermined by the ladies looking like they’ve had hot tar dripped into their eyes.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-97rdyxLdICU/W5arBwAiTmI/AAAAAAAAfdA/K-7xOKQORmUdXFoRsJbnJzxerpMWuhHvgCLcBGAs/s1600/bt11.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-97rdyxLdICU/W5arBwAiTmI/AAAAAAAAfdA/K-7xOKQORmUdXFoRsJbnJzxerpMWuhHvgCLcBGAs/s1600/bt11.png" /></a></div>
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Onward to stage two, which apart from taking place in some sort of temple is very similar to the first stage, complete with recoloured versions of all the bad guys we’ve already maimed. Also more barrels. The barrels have a nice little animation where wine sloshes out of the bung hole as they roll past. Why yes, I <i>did</i> just want to use the phrase “bung hole” in its proper context, thanks for reading.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Z8nnz80u8XE/W5arCPOaegI/AAAAAAAAfdE/SvO8LlWn4qMvsvuSKQ5Fbnhaf4JxRCpSACLcBGAs/s1600/bt12.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Z8nnz80u8XE/W5arCPOaegI/AAAAAAAAfdE/SvO8LlWn4qMvsvuSKQ5Fbnhaf4JxRCpSACLcBGAs/s1600/bt12.png" /></a></div>
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I also discovered another special attack during this stage, in the form of a single-use “bomb” power that’s activated by pressing punch and kick together. A screen-clearing bomb attack sounds very useful and indeed it is, although I must admit I was expecting something like the police back-up from <i>Streets of Rage,</i> or an explosion at the very least. What actually happens when you activate the bomb is that the enemies turn around and walk off the screen as though their mums had just called them in for dinner. Absolutely fantastic.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-hV42nEFU1G4/W5arCnRj4gI/AAAAAAAAfdI/Ibp98lTTgLQ2F1SjO5qN50oouEqd00BaQCLcBGAs/s1600/bt13.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-hV42nEFU1G4/W5arCnRj4gI/AAAAAAAAfdI/Ibp98lTTgLQ2F1SjO5qN50oouEqd00BaQCLcBGAs/s1600/bt13.png" /></a></div>
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I wonder who this mobster-type person whose portrait hangs in the background of this stage is? The head of the criminal kidnapping enterprise responsible for the plot of this game? Perhaps, although it could equally be just some bloke who bought a hat that’s too small for his head. He looks familiar, though. I’m not sure if that’s because I’ve seen him in another game or if the knowledge that <i>BT96</i> has “recycled” other games’ assets is causing me to make connections that aren’t really there. Not that I had much time to stop and ponder it, what with the barrage of flaming tyres. Do the tyres count as a new enemy type? I’m feeling generous, so I’ll accept it.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8M17WhKVmW0/W5arCqk_aOI/AAAAAAAAfdM/lTUlMyDzqmIHwhixhAAj7yZ8iY-rpBZTACLcBGAs/s1600/bt14.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8M17WhKVmW0/W5arCqk_aOI/AAAAAAAAfdM/lTUlMyDzqmIHwhixhAAj7yZ8iY-rpBZTACLcBGAs/s1600/bt14.png" /></a></div>
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I think the second boss is trying to exploit my generosity by getting me to describe him as a ninja. I’m not sure I’ll willing to go that far. There are ninja-like aspects to his design, granted, and he’s following the ninja tradition of stabbing people, but he’s a ninja in the same way that the ninjas in Godfrey Ho ninja films are ninjas, i.e. not at all. He’s wearing chrome chest armour for a start, which “real” ninjas won’t wear because it’s difficult to sneak up on someone when you’re clattering around like a colander in a washing machine. Plus he can be beaten by standing next to him and tapping punch for a minute or so and he won’t even try to teleport away or throw a smoke bomb. Pathetic.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Qhx5R3f0-sY/W5arC5s8a6I/AAAAAAAAfdQ/ZSa_5AJyYgIag9OOemcF9Hacq9tExwyOACLcBGAs/s1600/bt15.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Qhx5R3f0-sY/W5arC5s8a6I/AAAAAAAAfdQ/ZSa_5AJyYgIag9OOemcF9Hacq9tExwyOACLcBGAs/s1600/bt15.png" /></a></div>
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Back on the streets for stage three, where very little has changed. The enemies are slightly different colours now, and the previous two bosses have reappeared as regular enemies, albeit with graciously reduced health bars. So on you go, taking out the enemy hordes a group at a time and it’s so close to being a decent game that it’s really starting to grate. Having the two different attack buttons works out really well, using the kick button to knock enemies down and keep them busy as you try to avoid getting surrounded is a solid base to build from… but that’s where the good stuff ends. Fighting the same few enemies over and over is already pretty dull and I’ve only cleared the first two stages, and your character’s awkward, slow and often flat-out broken movements coat the game in an extra greasy layer of unpleasantness.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mxhg0NyaaqE/W5arDDAHfUI/AAAAAAAAfdU/UIcMcJ5KvFYLsulY5hWh-4c3TWzTkowAQCLcBGAs/s1600/bt16.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mxhg0NyaaqE/W5arDDAHfUI/AAAAAAAAfdU/UIcMcJ5KvFYLsulY5hWh-4c3TWzTkowAQCLcBGAs/s1600/bt16.png" /></a></div>
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The streets eventually give way to caves, which is where you meet this stage’s boss. It’s Edi E. from <i>Final Fight!</i> Except he’s wearing a brown uniform with no hat, so maybe it’s Edi E.’s brother who became a corrupt park ranger rather than a corrupt cop. He’s got a gun but he’s very reluctant to use it, rely instead on his truncheon. You know what’s faster than a truncheon swing? That’s right, about five-hundred of the main character’s punches.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ai67oLri1Bk/W5arDVs_8XI/AAAAAAAAfdY/1Pdz_LEGrK4OhIQ1nBeEWm2C2ICf4pOYgCLcBGAs/s1600/bt17.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ai67oLri1Bk/W5arDVs_8XI/AAAAAAAAfdY/1Pdz_LEGrK4OhIQ1nBeEWm2C2ICf4pOYgCLcBGAs/s1600/bt17.png" /></a></div>
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I’ll give <i>Black Touch 96</i> some credit – it does a good job of pushing a decent number of big sprites around at once. It can handle having five enemies on screen at once – which you can use to your advantage in some places by simply refusing to engage with the villains and walking to the right. Unlike most brawlers which won’t let you continue until you’ve defeated all on-screen foes, in <i>BT96</i> that’s often not the case, and because the game won’t load more than five enemies you can walk past many potential encounters by having a villainous conga-line behind you.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-vDiAio-n2Ik/W5arDjB2YZI/AAAAAAAAfdc/tEa00doEDAUj4o-_a4xf64fXqKVbxSchgCLcBGAs/s1600/bt18.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-vDiAio-n2Ik/W5arDjB2YZI/AAAAAAAAfdc/tEa00doEDAUj4o-_a4xf64fXqKVbxSchgCLcBGAs/s1600/bt18.png" /></a></div>
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In keeping with <i>BT96</i>’s habit of plundering <i>Final Fight </i>for inspiration, the stage four boss seems to be a female Rolento, although to be fair she’s not traced from a specific Rolento sprite that I’m aware of. It’s just that when I think of arcade brawler bosses who fight with a stick who else am I going to think of but Rolento? When I first saw her I wondered if she was also inspired by Capcom’s <i>Cadillacs and Dinosaurs</i> – there’s just something about her outfit that puts me in mind of that particular slugfest – and before anyone in the comments mentions it, I will get around to covering <i>Cadillacs and Dinosaurs</i> one day.<br />
You can easily defeat this boss by using the same old strategy, although in this boss’ defence her combat abilities are hampered by having one leg that’s twice as thick as the other. That’s definitely going to have an effect on your balance.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-QdCdbGz0Wc8/W5arDy-uCyI/AAAAAAAAfdg/GmC6cfS_VBY0fU3RBuF4we9g_XsRHefawCLcBGAs/s1600/bt19.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-QdCdbGz0Wc8/W5arDy-uCyI/AAAAAAAAfdg/GmC6cfS_VBY0fU3RBuF4we9g_XsRHefawCLcBGAs/s1600/bt19.png" /></a></div>
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Yet more <i>Final Fight</i> in stage five, with background elements taken from that game’s Bay Area stage – particularly the indecipherable “leaskey” graffiti on the benches. Hey, you might as well copy from the best.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7nB14UTmit0/W5arEJbgNsI/AAAAAAAAfdk/CbZN-uXm2Po5GWsSGli61TCMMXBixerdQCLcBGAs/s1600/bt20.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7nB14UTmit0/W5arEJbgNsI/AAAAAAAAfdk/CbZN-uXm2Po5GWsSGli61TCMMXBixerdQCLcBGAs/s1600/bt20.png" /></a></div>
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Most of the stage takes place across a series of interconnected boats, and here you can see me putting the “walk away so fewer enemies spawn” tactic into use. This has had the unexpected side-effect of allowing that racing driver to walk across the surface of the sea, leaving us with only two explanations: either he’s having a Looney Tunes moment and he won’t fall into the water until he realises what’s happening a la Wile E. Coyote, or he’s Jesus. I’m going with Jesus. That’s why he’s wearing the crash helmet, it’s so we’re not blinded by the Lamb of God’s radiant presence. It makes sense to me, there have been several moments where this game has made me mutter “Jesus Christ” under my breath.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-lBKhfhpLZyw/W5arEPXtwJI/AAAAAAAAfdo/d1E0ImadRs8vBJR8LKO3QbZkoxf7VWs7wCLcBGAs/s1600/bt21.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-lBKhfhpLZyw/W5arEPXtwJI/AAAAAAAAfdo/d1E0ImadRs8vBJR8LKO3QbZkoxf7VWs7wCLcBGAs/s1600/bt21.png" /></a></div>
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Another easily-defeated boss, this time a nonchalant chap carrying a baseball bat. The bat does a lot of damage if it hits you. But it <i>won’t</i> hit you. I’m running out of things to say about this game’s boss battles without resorting to making a GIF of myself shrugging.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-z3FyrF9vxFA/W5arEQ8BM3I/AAAAAAAAfds/G887I5QemAw7Mloc_47tnTiuGoFasGS7QCLcBGAs/s1600/bt22.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-z3FyrF9vxFA/W5arEQ8BM3I/AAAAAAAAfds/G887I5QemAw7Mloc_47tnTiuGoFasGS7QCLcBGAs/s1600/bt22.png" /></a></div>
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Here’s the final stage, and I guess that racing driver wasn’t Jesus after all. He looks more like an Andorian from <i>Star Trek</i>, so I’m going to assume that it’s horror legend Jeffrey Combs playing the role of a hyper-violent racecar driver.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-tZNFO-YadYE/W5arEpPzlQI/AAAAAAAAfdw/Yao4vAtNlRUV8_3hUbqRpSiSexDlTfFLACLcBGAs/s1600/bt23.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-tZNFO-YadYE/W5arEpPzlQI/AAAAAAAAfdw/Yao4vAtNlRUV8_3hUbqRpSiSexDlTfFLACLcBGAs/s1600/bt23.png" /></a></div>
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By this point, <i>BT96 </i>is starting to get fairly difficult. Taking on one enemy in this game is an absolute breeze and groups aren’t that much of a problem at first, not when you can easily knock them down with your kicks. However, by the final stage the game’s bosses are frequently appearing and they can do a lot of damage if they hit you – and you <i>will </i>get hit when you’re fighting five freaks at a time, especially when the game decides on a whim to activate one of your special attacks, throwing off your rhythm and depositing you in the middle of a group of bad guys.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-CuLm2GknwKU/W5arEuPtsqI/AAAAAAAAfd0/aN25gg5X2csHDuelFvV44qyTDxTLwef_gCLcBGAs/s1600/bt24.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-CuLm2GknwKU/W5arEuPtsqI/AAAAAAAAfd0/aN25gg5X2csHDuelFvV44qyTDxTLwef_gCLcBGAs/s1600/bt24.png" /></a></div>
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The final boss is a middle-aged man in a tracksuit. He also has a gun. What is this, <i>Grand Theft Auto IV? </i>The boss’s gunshots will kill you dead, but I deftly avoided them by walking upwards slightly and then getting into the usual punching pattern. If any of the bosses in <i>BT96 </i>learned how to block I’d be in real trouble, but they didn’t and so I could batter this villain into a wet smear for the crime of <i>wearing that tracksuit</i>, ye gods. Oh, and the kidnapping. That too, but the green-and-brown tracksuit seemingly made from moss gathered at a muddy riverside is definitely the more grave offence.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-oxXwk05oh7o/W5arEzvNgNI/AAAAAAAAfeA/UTfqUDSFmaIqeqJ28j-y0gv1gJtibFGPQCLcBGAs/s1600/bt25.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-oxXwk05oh7o/W5arEzvNgNI/AAAAAAAAfeA/UTfqUDSFmaIqeqJ28j-y0gv1gJtibFGPQCLcBGAs/s1600/bt25.png" /></a></div>
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The game ends with more anime art and some very difficult to read developer credits, which is pretty much exactly what I expected the ending to be. We must assume that the kidnapped girl was rescued – although the main character doesn’t look much like the chap from the intro so an equally valid interpretation is that all this fighting was completely unrelated to the kidnapping. <i>BT96 </i>is thus a game that keeps a sense of mystery and allows the player to come to their own conclusions. That’s good storytelling, that is.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-pkykM3kEntY/W5arE3s3TKI/AAAAAAAAfd4/eWQiBjzFsbUaYRnku_6v6DeuzIkDQ3YCwCLcBGAs/s1600/bt26.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-pkykM3kEntY/W5arE3s3TKI/AAAAAAAAfd4/eWQiBjzFsbUaYRnku_6v6DeuzIkDQ3YCwCLcBGAs/s1600/bt26.png" /></a></div>
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Before I wrap up I should mention that this is a two-player game, and the second player gets to control this much cooler shadowy monk with metal claws. I can’t believe this game had a scene of a kidnapping but not one about how the mystery monk and the lumbering beefcake became friends. I’m imagining an extreme remake of <i>The Odd Couple</i>.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Sjm4h-U2zKQ/W5arFAeJ65I/AAAAAAAAfd8/bVIaAoJO5p0UBn_8o08-wmiSY6-0_RzegCLcBGAs/s1600/bt27.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="512" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Sjm4h-U2zKQ/W5arFAeJ65I/AAAAAAAAfd8/bVIaAoJO5p0UBn_8o08-wmiSY6-0_RzegCLcBGAs/s1600/bt27.png" /></a></div>
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Obviously <i>Black Touch 96</i> isn’t a good game. Hell, it’s a pretty bad game. It has inaccurate and frequently mystifying controls, there are glitches and exploits everywhere, there’s hardly any enemy variety, looking at the main character for too long can cause serious retinal damage. Oh, and all the copyright infringement. However, I still enjoyed playing it. As I’ve said, there the skeleton of a decent brawler in here somewhere, but the real draw is the weirdness of it all, from the wig-wielding women to the bomb power that makes the enemies scurry away and the random anime “babes.” I certainly won’t forget it in a hurry – no matter how much I might want to suppress the memory of the final boss’ tracksuit.<br />
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<a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com/2018/09/nintendos-web-games.html">Nintendo's website minigames!</a><b> </b><br />
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VGJUNKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10847169968000988460noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1129376554965074880.post-85595465924550238312018-09-05T10:24:00.000-07:002018-09-05T10:24:08.711-07:00NINTENDO'S WEB GAMESA couple of years ago I wrote about <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.co.uk/2016/03/the-web-games-of-pokemoncom.html">a bunch of the little games you could play on the official Pokemon website</a>. You know, short Flash games with a <i>Pokemon</i> theme, like a<i> Puyo Puyo</i> clone hosted by Munchlax or a Gastly-themed hidden object game which sounds like something designed <i>specifically</i> for me but which unfortunately turned out to be not that good. Well, now that I’ve gotten over the crushing disappointment of <i>Gastly’s Hidden Haunt </i>I decided I was ready to take a trip to another set of browser-based minigames, and where could be more appropriate than the websites of Nintendo themselves? Nintendo are one of the world’s most famous entertainment brands, a lot of their output is child-friendly and <i>they make games</i>, so I’m sure the browser games on their site will be top-notch. Right?<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-TWPUTkWcnBI/W4_16cuXxuI/AAAAAAAAfZ0/dtwJnQrIqBcrGswbbE9snyJ7cIHk_0xtwCLcBGAs/s1600/nw01.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="458" data-original-width="815" height="358" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-TWPUTkWcnBI/W4_16cuXxuI/AAAAAAAAfZ0/dtwJnQrIqBcrGswbbE9snyJ7cIHk_0xtwCLcBGAs/s640/nw01.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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Here at Nintendo’s European site you’ve got the Nintendo Kids Club, where young Nintendo fans can gather to have less fun than they would if they were, for example, playing actual Nintendo games. Maybe it’s their older sibling’s turn to use the Switch or something, so little Timmy or Terri turns to the Nintendo Kids Club, where they’re greeted by your favourite <i>Super Mario </i>characters looking extremely cheerful. This is probably because Bowser isn’t currently trying to abduct Peach / Luigi’s not exploring a haunted mansion / Toad’s not talking so they don’t have to hear his voice. And look, there are games! Other stuff, too, but I’ll be focussing on the games. Yes, games are great, I’m looking forward to playing some.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-oSIw9EFUD-w/W4_16iDW9SI/AAAAAAAAfZ8/Pt-TsDkbZokwQaVBDhBfILdgqDEpYRBZwCLcBGAs/s1600/nw02.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="529" data-original-width="875" height="385" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-oSIw9EFUD-w/W4_16iDW9SI/AAAAAAAAfZ8/Pt-TsDkbZokwQaVBDhBfILdgqDEpYRBZwCLcBGAs/s640/nw02.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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As expected the <i>Super Mario</i> series is heavily represented, with <i>Animal Crossing</i> having a few games too plus only lonely <i>Kirby</i> game. More surprising is the complete lack of games based on <i>The Legend of Zelda, Metroid</i> or <i>Splatoon</i>. Okay, maybe the lack of <i>Metroid</i> isn’t surprising – Nintendo seem to regard the franchise with an air of “oh, and <i>Metroid </i>too I guess” at the best of times, but <i>Splatoon</i>’s pretty big and <i>Zelda</i> is, well, <i>it’s<b> Zelda</b></i><b>.</b> Not even a sliding block puzzle with Link’s face on it, Nintendo? Really?<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-SNH3Z3aVEjE/W4_16slHhgI/AAAAAAAAfZ4/ZWneIHzXmgkP_As8D0tkeyKIRSiW1SyBgCLcBGAs/s1600/nw03.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="520" data-original-width="765" height="434" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-SNH3Z3aVEjE/W4_16slHhgI/AAAAAAAAfZ4/ZWneIHzXmgkP_As8D0tkeyKIRSiW1SyBgCLcBGAs/s640/nw03.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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Time for the first game on the list and it’s a <i>Super Mario</i> jigsaw. A jigsaw with a Christmas theme, bafflingly. I know Christmas starts early these days, but it’s only the beginning of September. Perhaps that’s why there’s no games based on <i>Splatoon </i>or <i>Breath of the Wild</i> – it’s because these games haven’t been updated since about December 2014.<br />
You know what you’re getting with a jigsaw, at least, even if “Mario blasting through a Christmas wreath in his flying go-kart” isn’t exactly what I expected the first game I played to look like. The jigsaw game works fine. Not much that can go wrong with a jigsaw, is there? It’s a good job it works, too, because a bunch of the other games on this page are jigsaws, including one of Yoshi throwing an egg, an <i>Animal Crossing </i>scene and one starring that famous Nintendo superstar, Teddy.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0aJam4zXdvY/W4_16_hnJnI/AAAAAAAAfaA/8Rf1qMkJ-EEnFtLtgbKoa1MxWmW-dI9MgCLcBGAs/s1600/nw04.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="562" data-original-width="654" height="547" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0aJam4zXdvY/W4_16_hnJnI/AAAAAAAAfaA/8Rf1qMkJ-EEnFtLtgbKoa1MxWmW-dI9MgCLcBGAs/s640/nw04.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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You know, Teddy! Everyone loves Teddy! Okay, I have no clue who Teddy is. I looked it up and apparently Teddy is the star of a 3DS game called <i>Teddy Together </i>which was developed by<i> Street Fighter EX</i> creators Arika, so you could make the argument that Teddy and Skullomania are related. <i>Teddy Together</i> is a “life simulator” type game in the vein of <i>Nintendogs</i>, except with a teddy bear that talks in a slightly disconcerting synthesized voice that’s very… <i>breathy.</i> From what I’ve seen it’s a bit creepy, but not as creepy as Donkey Kong’s mostly-obscured grinning face staring out at me from behind Teddy. Donkey Kong likes to watch, you see.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-2nJHxZv0PVA/W4_17MCYv7I/AAAAAAAAfaE/80c2RER0ShU49rXP8eRJN0AVAeSSdnLSgCLcBGAs/s1600/nw05.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="511" data-original-width="739" height="441" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-2nJHxZv0PVA/W4_17MCYv7I/AAAAAAAAfaE/80c2RER0ShU49rXP8eRJN0AVAeSSdnLSgCLcBGAs/s640/nw05.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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I’d never heard of <i>Teddy Together</i> before today and I’ll be honest, doing a very basic jigsaw of the bear himself is not likely to make me rush out and buy a copy. This jigsaw<i> is</i> making want to rush out and buy some cakes, though. Maybe it’s stealth advertising by Mr. Kipling.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-B9pN1BTGJPw/W4_17F4iXbI/AAAAAAAAfaI/Pccim8UmChowday-1SpbEFp-57M-sYoBACLcBGAs/s1600/nw06.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="551" data-original-width="736" height="478" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-B9pN1BTGJPw/W4_17F4iXbI/AAAAAAAAfaI/Pccim8UmChowday-1SpbEFp-57M-sYoBACLcBGAs/s640/nw06.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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Okay, time for something that’s not a jigsaw with “Make Four With Mario.” Luigi’s name goes unmentioned despite him being right there, which does fit in with most of Luigi’s characterisation these days, so let’s assume it was intentional.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-wCgiDO9ABuQ/W4_17WAl1KI/AAAAAAAAfaM/QY-Ip-lS0HEw0cNaAvYrnD-Smsforf4pACLcBGAs/s1600/nw07.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="572" data-original-width="569" height="640" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-wCgiDO9ABuQ/W4_17WAl1KI/AAAAAAAAfaM/QY-Ip-lS0HEw0cNaAvYrnD-Smsforf4pACLcBGAs/s640/nw07.png" width="636" /></a></div>
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It’s Connect Four, except the counters are red and green rather than red and yellow. I’ll let you decide whether the colour was changed from yellow to green to match Luigi or to avoid Milton Bradley’s lawyers.<br />
To reiterate, it’s Connect Four. That’s it. It has no connection to anything Nintendo-related aside from using the words Mario and Luigi for the player names. You could change the names to Rommel and Montgomery and call it “Make Four At El Alamein” and no-one would suspect its <i>Mario</i>-related origins. The very definition of low-effort, right? Could there not have even been some Nintendo artwork at the side of the screen, or a voice clip of Luigi saying “Mamma mia, I lost again, my existence is a hollow-a nightmare”? If only there were some kind of coin-shaped disc that Mario was famous for collecting, they could have used those for the counters instead of plain circles.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-G93kPqrmsYY/W4_17-d9iTI/AAAAAAAAfaQ/JZECBKF1XHQWQCbO-u-cDiuZlOPOHp_pwCLcBGAs/s1600/nw08.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="603" data-original-width="561" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-G93kPqrmsYY/W4_17-d9iTI/AAAAAAAAfaQ/JZECBKF1XHQWQCbO-u-cDiuZlOPOHp_pwCLcBGAs/s640/nw08.png" width="594" /></a></div>
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"Spot the Animal Crossing Friends" next, where <i>Animal Crossing</i> characters slide into a picture of the village and you have to click on them. Well, at least it’s definitely based on <i>Animal Crossing</i>, so it just abut clears the incredibly low bar that’s been set for these minigames.<br />
The thing is, the characters appear and vanish so quickly that it’s actually quite hard to click on them in time… but it’s okay, because you can still get credit for clicking where they <i>were</i>. Considering they’re supposed to be your friends, these characters can’t get away from you fast enough.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jbrP3vIWMI0/W4_18DDBE1I/AAAAAAAAfaU/jLcK6A2kuBsDcN-1SbgjLNKyh9tijdWwACLcBGAs/s1600/nw09.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="559" data-original-width="647" height="552" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jbrP3vIWMI0/W4_18DDBE1I/AAAAAAAAfaU/jLcK6A2kuBsDcN-1SbgjLNKyh9tijdWwACLcBGAs/s640/nw09.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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By far the best game on the site is "Kirby’s Quick Draw", based around<i> Kirby and the Rainbow Curse</i>. It starts off strongly by being the only game with any music, and from there it gets by on the powerful cuteness of the <i>Kirby</i> brand – a power that should not be underestimated. I’d probably have done a lot better on the maths portions of my degree if the textbooks had been presented by Kirby and his pals. Kirby believes in <i>you</i>.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-rCJjWKxdjrA/W4_18Jl8B1I/AAAAAAAAfaY/HGDr4AoGwTw5PxFiZm050uBB19rfHLE_wCLcBGAs/s1600/nw10.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="562" data-original-width="650" height="552" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-rCJjWKxdjrA/W4_18Jl8B1I/AAAAAAAAfaY/HGDr4AoGwTw5PxFiZm050uBB19rfHLE_wCLcBGAs/s640/nw10.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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The actual game is connect the dots, which does tie in to <i>Rainbow Curse</i>’s use of the Wii U gamepad to draw lines for Kirby to walk on. That’s synergy, that is. As a connect the dots minigame it’s perfectly acceptable, although the best thing about it was that it reminded me I need to buy a new mouse. The left button’s going on mine, which mean I kept not dragging the line properly. Someone recommend me a decent, cheap wireless mouse, please.<br />
It’s a very simple minigame, but as I said, it gets by on cuteness. I mean, just look at this:<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-WMC0Tyevicc/W4_18XZGhRI/AAAAAAAAfac/v6lt_tDI7DQl_MQ7AJg-12Dlg3TL3DJVgCLcBGAs/s1600/nw11.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="565" data-original-width="649" height="556" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-WMC0Tyevicc/W4_18XZGhRI/AAAAAAAAfac/v6lt_tDI7DQl_MQ7AJg-12Dlg3TL3DJVgCLcBGAs/s640/nw11.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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Hi, Kirby! If you play this minigame and don’t say hello to Kirby out loud upon reaching this screen then you’re probably some kind of irredeemable sociopath.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-JQahhEVgu3I/W4_18hox3-I/AAAAAAAAfag/ZYBZ42_aS9QLS3m04kFmtbi8k4DwRXiHwCLcBGAs/s1600/nw12.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="475" data-original-width="504" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-JQahhEVgu3I/W4_18hox3-I/AAAAAAAAfag/ZYBZ42_aS9QLS3m04kFmtbi8k4DwRXiHwCLcBGAs/s1600/nw12.png" /></a></div>
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Naturally there are also some sliding block puzzles, including another Christmas-themed Mario one and a couple based on <i>Yoshi’s Woolly World</i>, like this mixed-up Shyguy. I completed none of these minigames. I’ve made my contempt for sliding block puzzles clear many times in the past and I will not engage with them if I can possibly avoid it. I tell myself it’s because they’re not fun, they’re boring and they take too long, but really it’s because I’m awful at them and I hate feeling like I’m being outsmarted by a children’s novelty.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-X0YFoYRVmgM/W4_18tnXwKI/AAAAAAAAfak/TcjJxmW2DUYKAPWVteujbftDJ_zCfainQCLcBGAs/s1600/nw13.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="519" data-original-width="649" height="510" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-X0YFoYRVmgM/W4_18tnXwKI/AAAAAAAAfak/TcjJxmW2DUYKAPWVteujbftDJ_zCfainQCLcBGAs/s640/nw13.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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"Shadow Spotter" is all about identifying silhouettes of famous Nintendo characters, like Princess Peach. You get four shadows to choose from – three where she’s looking regal and one in the top-left where she looks like she’s getting ready to beat the crap out of someone – and you click on the matching outline. Donkey Kong continues to stare out from the background, silently judging your every choice.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9gDm8oz3zxk/W4_185YjgiI/AAAAAAAAfao/mDjKTacHS6AaEOiC6u5zvKfYy_poROPCgCLcBGAs/s1600/nw14.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="487" data-original-width="575" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9gDm8oz3zxk/W4_185YjgiI/AAAAAAAAfao/mDjKTacHS6AaEOiC6u5zvKfYy_poROPCgCLcBGAs/s1600/nw14.png" /></a></div>
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Oh, cool, there’s a proper little hidden object game in here. I do love a good hidden object game – which is to say I love horror-themed hidden object games with <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.co.uk/2018/02/sinister-city-pc.html">wonky 3D models</a> or <a href="http://retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.co.uk/2015/10/halloween-trick-or-treat-pc.html">images clipped out of a Halloween gift catalogue</a>. This<i> Animal Crossing </i>version is neither of those, but it’s an okay way to pass thirty second while reflecting on the fact that I’ve never actually played an <i>Animal Crossing</i> game. Maybe that’s because I’ve seen how I run a household; the thought of being in charge of a whole town is too much pressure for me to handle.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-O2kUozled0o/W4_19E4YOFI/AAAAAAAAfas/u8udKPcqqmMlcD3Kv5ILUEjZDTcwaEfigCLcBGAs/s1600/nw15.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="489" data-original-width="582" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-O2kUozled0o/W4_19E4YOFI/AAAAAAAAfas/u8udKPcqqmMlcD3Kv5ILUEjZDTcwaEfigCLcBGAs/s1600/nw15.png" /></a></div>
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There’s a Christmas hidden object puzzle, too. Please note that there was a turkey in the previous scene. The turkey is not visible during the village’s Christmas celebration.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-M_h1XYoCJ9k/W4_19RGLbtI/AAAAAAAAfaw/otvvuJtomBU3yhe7z1w_jaSB2owpzlxQwCLcBGAs/s1600/nw16.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="348" data-original-width="657" height="338" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-M_h1XYoCJ9k/W4_19RGLbtI/AAAAAAAAfaw/otvvuJtomBU3yhe7z1w_jaSB2owpzlxQwCLcBGAs/s640/nw16.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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And here’s "Luigi’s Word Jumble", a wordsearch with Nintendo charactersszzzzz – okay, I’m rapidly slipping into a coma here. I think I’d better head over to the US Nintendo site and see what’s on offer there. Sure the razzmatazz and spectacle associated with America will pervade the games on the US site, that should keep me awake.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-uFT62yqKHR0/W4_19lPv_WI/AAAAAAAAfa0/mBmfHjqM5Xg29FeJePtJYs4Cl1qHv27NQCLcBGAs/s1600/nw17.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="555" data-original-width="643" height="552" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-uFT62yqKHR0/W4_19lPv_WI/AAAAAAAAfa0/mBmfHjqM5Xg29FeJePtJYs4Cl1qHv27NQCLcBGAs/s640/nw17.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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Or perhaps not. Yet more jigsaws, this time with the cast of the <i>Wario Ware</i> series. On the plus side this jigsaw’s pieces are at least<i> shaped</i> like jigsaw pieces, but it’s still just a jigsaw and I had enough of those on the European site, thanks very much. A lot of the games are in a similar mould on the US site, but there are some that are a bit different.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-VQGXR1AxIPg/W4_19xAsyoI/AAAAAAAAfa4/n2JBuPtxFOwy8vlTnqc8gHB7zBInaBvpwCLcBGAs/s1600/nw18.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="519" data-original-width="770" height="430" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-VQGXR1AxIPg/W4_19xAsyoI/AAAAAAAAfa4/n2JBuPtxFOwy8vlTnqc8gHB7zBInaBvpwCLcBGAs/s640/nw18.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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For instance, there’s "How to Draw Captain Toad and Toadette", which gives you an outline of everyone’s favourite fungoid serf and a few pen tools and colours with which to recreate your own masterpiece. It’s a fun little tool and one that I think kids would get more enjoyment from that most of the other offerings on the site – I know that at around age six I did nothing <i>but </i>draw <i>Super Mario</i> characters and if I could have done it on the computer with traceable outlines and an undo feature I’d have been all over it.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-o8ANJ92E4E0/W4_1-GYubrI/AAAAAAAAfa8/YLtD8RjxvP8EU1RFrX1QEjwgFPTGeO7TgCLcBGAs/s1600/nw19.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="540" data-original-width="540" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-o8ANJ92E4E0/W4_1-GYubrI/AAAAAAAAfa8/YLtD8RjxvP8EU1RFrX1QEjwgFPTGeO7TgCLcBGAs/s320/nw19.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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You can even download your finished picture and print it out, or email it to your enemies with no accompanying text in the hope that they’ll take it as a mysterious threat and, in their panic, accidentally reveal their next move in your long-running game of mental chess. Personally I rather like my finished Toad. It looks crap, but<i> charmingly </i>crap. It’s definitely “stick it on the fridge” material.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LMPbiI8xbqw/W4_1-GxWlBI/AAAAAAAAfbA/zjbiir_RjZMRvuyXNSaSKDoCsg5BapRLgCLcBGAs/s1600/nw20.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="500" data-original-width="769" height="416" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LMPbiI8xbqw/W4_1-GxWlBI/AAAAAAAAfbA/zjbiir_RjZMRvuyXNSaSKDoCsg5BapRLgCLcBGAs/s640/nw20.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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Of course, there’s no rule saying that you<i> have</i> to draw Toad or Toadette. I drew a jack o’lantern, because I am extremely predictable. Hey, it’s September now, get used to it. Given the way Britain seems to be heating up in recent years I might not get to see many more Autumns.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-SICr2zP3tlo/W4_1-p-pggI/AAAAAAAAfbE/tPWMkiHDcwIF1FCU65MvnAWG4Hr_5sBCwCLcBGAs/s1600/nw21.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="477" data-original-width="527" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-SICr2zP3tlo/W4_1-p-pggI/AAAAAAAAfbE/tPWMkiHDcwIF1FCU65MvnAWG4Hr_5sBCwCLcBGAs/s1600/nw21.png" /></a></div>
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There’s a different shadow-matching minigame, this time featuring bizarre cube-shaped versions of Pokemon. The folly of trying to turn Exeggcute – a Pokemon solely defined by being <i>shaped like goddamn eggs</i> – in a pile of cubes is so ridiculous I can’t help but love it. Plus, cube Pikachu looks like it ran face-first into a wall in the manner of a hyperactive puppy.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5kTRX9jabZU/W4_1_CgbXhI/AAAAAAAAfbI/Zp3a4uHNuKMGbYHl-LoGagQKZw61zy9YQCLcBGAs/s1600/nw22.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="424" data-original-width="529" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5kTRX9jabZU/W4_1_CgbXhI/AAAAAAAAfbI/Zp3a4uHNuKMGbYHl-LoGagQKZw61zy9YQCLcBGAs/s1600/nw22.png" /></a></div>
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Honestly, the US site doesn’t have much in the way of actual games, focussing much more on quizzes and goofy polls, and these do feature a lot more “real” Nintendo content even if that does just mean pictures of the characters that the games are supposedly involved in. Here’s one about matching the emblems from <i>Mario Tennis</i> to their respective characters. Not the most difficult mission, but it gives me the chance to see Mario and Luigi looking annoyed that Toad and Bowser aren’t taking this tennis tournament seriously, having turned up in their normal outfits (or lack thereof, in Bowser’s case). I suppose Toad’s little Aladdin vest allows him freedom of movement, but he could have slapped on a couple of sweatbands or something.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-fHzjKOKxky8/W4_1_L3UnZI/AAAAAAAAfbM/GIYKwSu7FCc8hsObR4ekYuQauHzjLrRkQCLcBGAs/s1600/nw23.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="633" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-fHzjKOKxky8/W4_1_L3UnZI/AAAAAAAAfbM/GIYKwSu7FCc8hsObR4ekYuQauHzjLrRkQCLcBGAs/s1600/nw23.png" /></a></div>
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I know I’m supposed to be focussing on the site’s games, such as they are, but I can’t leave without mentioning this <i>Zelda</i> quiz that gives “North American Vampire Inc.” as a possible origin for Navi’s name. I know it’s the wrong answer but in my heart it’s right, right, <i>right</i>. What the hell would North American Vampire Inc. even<i> be?</i> The cynical, topical answer would be “the US healthcare system” but it’s definitely a construction company that builds ornate Gothic castles and mouldering crypts that suit both your unholy needs <i>and </i>your budget.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-JDsbC-u2kHA/W4_1_GyEbXI/AAAAAAAAfbQ/I2ZHRmVVhWQn14W9CUuzap51FvRXZv9PQCLcBGAs/s1600/nw24.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="317" data-original-width="633" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-JDsbC-u2kHA/W4_1_GyEbXI/AAAAAAAAfbQ/I2ZHRmVVhWQn14W9CUuzap51FvRXZv9PQCLcBGAs/s1600/nw24.png" /></a></div>
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Okay, that’s enough of these websites, I can’t handle the excitement any longer. They were a disappointingly low-effort bunch of timewasters, especially on the European site. It’s a real downgrade from the<i> Pokemon</i> web games, which weren’t amazing but at least had <i>some </i>quality to them and even the generic ones had plenty of <i>Pokemon </i>art and stuff. I must admit I expected more from Nintendo, especially when compared to the web games offered by big toy companies like Lego and Playmobil. On the Playmobil website there’s a <i>Ghostbusters </i>game where you run around the firehouse zapping ghosts and you can even play as Janine, which knocks bloody Connect Four into a cocked hat.<br />
I am being a little unfair, though. There <i>are </i>some fun things on these sites, especially the downloads section of the US site where you can get printable things like greetings cards and party invitations. Oh, and this.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3Ykq1Ely4Sw/W4_1_d9vqmI/AAAAAAAAfbU/ZFgvlXh-W4I8L1mi1A7BqPmUHfGyQ4yBwCLcBGAs/s1600/nw25.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="318" data-original-width="640" height="316" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3Ykq1Ely4Sw/W4_1_d9vqmI/AAAAAAAAfbU/ZFgvlXh-W4I8L1mi1A7BqPmUHfGyQ4yBwCLcBGAs/s640/nw25.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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That’s right, a pattern for carving a Goomba into a pumpkin for Halloween – and by “Halloween” I mean “however long you can make a pumpkin last because you wouldn’t throw out a Goomba pumpkin until it was a pile of brown mush, would you?” This discovery alone has made this entire article worth it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to camp outside my nearest greengrocer.<br />
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