Showing posts with label vic tokai. Show all posts
Showing posts with label vic tokai. Show all posts

14/10/2015

MANSION OF HIDDEN SOULS (SEGA CD)

Did you know that lepidopterophobia is the name for the irrational fear of butterflies? If you did, it's probably because you're terrified of butterflies and you have sought out others who share your morbid dread of the usually-beloved little fluttererers, looking for safety in numbers and the chance to bond with people on day-trips that most definitely do not take in any wildflower meadows. If you are scared of butterflies then I have two pieces of advice for you: don't dress as a buddleia plant and don't read about today's game. It's System Sacom's 1993 Sega CD look-around-a-creepy-mansion-em-up Mansion of Hidden Souls (AKA Yumemi Mystery Mansion)!


I'm going to apologise up front for when I inevitably call it Mansion of Lost Souls. "Lost Souls" just sounds more appropriate, you know? "Lost souls" is a phrase in fairly common usage, "hidden souls" makes it sound like it's going entail a sort of Easter egg hunt with a theological twist. Okay, so there is a lot of hunting around for hidden objects in this one, granted, but the souls aren't hidden. They are in plain sight, and very talkative. We'll get to that, though - first, let's set the scene.


Some flowers grow in the grass, attracting the fell predations of a butterfly. The butterfly is the white v-shaped thing on the right of the flowers, by the way. Difficult-to-see butterflies make up roughly eighty percent of Mansion of Hidden Souls, so get used to it.
As the camera lingers on the flowers, the plot is set in motion by the disembodied voices of two adult actors struggling to sound like children but instead coming across as though they're delivering their lines in the middle of a carbon monoxide leak. The pair, a brother and sister, see the butterfly and spend a moment cooing over the effortless grace of its flight, before the girl announces she wants to follow it. Maybe it'll fly over to the old elm tree, she says. Ah ha, now I've got your attention! The old elm tree, that's what the Sega CD's audience was desperate to see! Except no, the real set up is that the brother warns his sister not to go to the old elm tree because there are ghosts there that will turn you into a butterfly. The sister runs off anyway, saying "I think it would be fun to be a butterfly!" I'm going to throw in a spoiler now by saying that the sister will soon be eating those words, much as she will be eating nectar with her new proboscis.


She went into the spooky mansion. Why do they always go into the spooky mansion? Has your mad lust for looking at butterflies blinded you to the fact that this mansion is so spooky that it wasn't even there earlier? We learn this fact from the brother, who it emerges is the player character. His sister's name is Samantha, and they come from a land where shortening someone's name is punishable by death. Therefore they always refer to each other as Jonathan and Samantha, even in moments of extreme crisis when calling her "Sam" might save valuable seconds. Jonathan then enters the mansion to find his sister and the game begins. I hope he brought a net and a jar with a twig in it.


I'm kinda feeling like I have once again entered the world of survival horror. I know in my heart that there won't be a typewriter at the bottom of the stairs, but I also know I'll end up checking anyway.


Rats. How am I going to save my game without a typewriter?
So, if you haven't guessed yet Mansion of Hidden Souls is a first-person adventure game, in which you control Jonathan as he pokes around the spooky mansion like my grandmother used to on viewing days for houses she had no intention of buying. You gather items, explore the various rooms, talk to the inhabitants and solve puzzles, all with the end goal of finding your sister and getting the hell out of the mansion before the graininess of the FMV graphics sands away your retinas. The controls are simple - apparently this game works with the Sega Mouse, but I played it with the pad and it worked fine. The d-pad turns Jonathan's viewpoint, "snapping" onto set pathways or interesting objects, and pressing up on the pad either moves you forward or makes Jonathan lean in for a closer look. The movement is slow but smooth... a little too smooth, maybe, because I couldn't shake the feeling that I wasn't controlling a human being but rather some snake-like creature that was slithering rather than walking. That said, you never actually see Jonathan, so there's always a chance he is a giant snake-thing, although it seems unlikely. Snake-things aren't generally named Jonathan.


With no directions given, it's time to start blindly stumbling around the mansion and as we do so I'm afraid I'll have to mention the graphics. They're rough. Very rough, as though seen through a pair of spectacles made from incredibly thin slices of wholemeal bread. The smooth movement between viewpoints that the FMV footage allows for is impressive and all, but I think I'd happily sacrifice it for the ability to see more than the vague structure of the room. The lack of graphical definition means that it's often very hard to see objects in the background - and in any case the object is often hidden behind or under things - that the game quickly descends into shoving Jonathan's face down every available viewpoint in case there's something interesting there. Thankfully he'll automatically pick up any items he find while doing so, so at least there won't be too much strain on the old peepers.


This is one of the more obvious items laying around the house, but it's still difficult to decipher its true form from this distance. Is it a box? An envelope? Oh, I know, it's one of those frames full of metal pins that will hold an impression of whatever you press into them, like your face or a hand with a raised middle finger or... actually, I think those are the only two things ever to be pushed into "pinpression" toy.


Never mind, it's a diary. The diary allows you to save your game. "Dear Diary, today I had toast for breakfast and my sister ran into a spooky mansion that will turn us both into butterflies. Weather was good. Well, I'd better go. More tomorrow, unless I have grown wings."


I stumbled into the games room, where I was greeted by a talking butterfly. It seems that the transmogrification process doesn't take away your ability to speak. It even preserves the accent you had in life, which I know because this butterfly has a faintly Eastern European lilt. The butterfly expresses surprise at there being two non-butterfly people in the mansion at once, and then tells Jonathan that he'll never see his sister again. He can definitely hear her, though, and the walls of the mansion must be paper thin because Samantha is distinctly heard talking about being somewhere with lots of flowers. For his part, Jonathan takes the disembodied voice of his sister and the presence of a talking butterfly in his stride. He's unflappable, this kid. Unlike, you know, a butterfly.


Also in the games room is a magic picture frame that gives the merest scrap of a clue about what the bloody hell I'm supposed to be doing. So far I've mostly been forcing Jonathan to walk into walls and enjoying the dull thudding sound that doing so produces, but that's going to get boring after, ooh, two or three hundred repetitions, so I suppose I'd better keep an eye out for this wardrobe, too.


Still checking all the rooms available - there aren't many, as the mansion is only two storeys tall - and Jonathan stumbles into the room for which the word "boudoir" could have been invented. It's like Barbie's 19th Century French Aristocracy Dream House in here, and it also contains the wardrobe from the magic picture. Before I can get to it, though, a different talking butterfly appears and starts chattering away, warning Jonathan that most humans who enter this mansion become butterflies. The game is very keen that you do not misunderstand the salient information about this mansion - that it has the power to turn people into butterflies. You will be reminded of this fact many, many times during the game, as though you might somehow forget. If the butterflies had hands, they'd be using them to shove "So, You're Going To Become A Butterfly" pamphlets into Jonathan's hands.


Looking closely at the wardrobe - an movement that does nothing to dispel my notion that Jonathan is actually some kind of serpentine worm-creature - reveals a key hidden behind a chair. Now I feel like I'm in familiar territory, searching a spooky mansion for keys to unlock other parts of the spooky mansion. I've got this.
The butterfly in the room gets very huffy when you find the key, with the implication that she hid it there in the first place. Given that the key looks to be made of metal and is several inches long, she must have stashed it there while she was still human and she's annoyed because she's never going to be able to move it now. Or she's annoyed because I'm rummaging around her boudoir. She may be a butterfly, but she's still a woman whose privacy should be respected. Mentally, I mean. Physically you could swat her to death with one good swing from a tennis racquet.


The key unlocks an art room, which is home to paintings, key number two and another butterfly, because it's less a Mansion of Hidden Souls and more a Mansion of Talkative Butterflies. The key is the most important thing in the room, but I'm more interested in some of these paintings, especially this one.


I call it "Still Life of a Sugar Puff in Ketchup." Maybe it will look better up close?


Oh good, finally something creepy in this haunted mansion! I can just about make out some teeth and an eye. It sort of looks like the agonised screaming of a flayed teddy-bear. Just to make sure, I'm going to rub Jonathan's face right up against it.


Erm... oops? I'm not sure what's going on. Maybe the painting was a colossal LSD tab and Jonathan licked it by "accident". There never were any butterflies! This is just a regular spooky mansion, not one controlled by "the magic of the moon"!


Never mind, Jonathan was simply being transported to a hidden room. Candles encircle him, and a grumpy moon adorns one wall. There are no doors and I think you're supposed to feel like you're trapped for a while as you puzzle out what to do, but by sheer luck the first thing I did was move towards this candle. That blows it out, and a secret door opens. It felt a little underwhelming, I'll admit. The game's first "puzzle" and I accidentally solved it because I was trying to get a closer look at a grumpy moon.


This leads Jonathan into the library / butterfly corpse storage facility, where yet another butterfly pops up to have a chat. This one is the most interesting of the bunch, and he's primarily engaging because of his atrocious Cockney accent. At least I think it's supposed to be Cockney - it definitely skirts around that area, but sometimes it flies off onto strange new linguistic tangents. The best way I can describe it is to imagine Dick van Dyke's terrible Cockney accent, and then imagine that he's also trying to do a terrible Australian accent at the same time. It's really quite impressive.
Then you take a closer look at pinned butterflies and your new Cockney friend says "I collected them all when they were ugly human figures!" I'm not sure how to process that information, especially because he offers it in such a jolly, offhand manner, and the logistics are even more baffling. Was he a serial killer in his human form, and he carried the corpses of his many victims to the mansion were they turned into butterfly corpses? Or were they humans that came to the mansion only for the Cockney to kill them in his butterfly form, perhaps lulling them into a false sense of security by being a goddamn butterfly? Just as I was pondering these things, the Cockney suddenly started pestering me to turn into a butterfly and I had to make my excuses and leave. I'm not comfortable with these high-pressure sales tactics.


On the way out of the library, there's a book that can be read which gives a big hint as to what you're supposed to be doing next. It's got a picture of the dartboard from the games room, which you can see has a grumpy moon above it. Yes, the darts in the board represent the candle in the moon room, so the next puzzle will be to match the darts and the candles. Of course, this means that someone not only went to the trouble of setting up said puzzle in the first place, but they also had a book with a hint to the puzzle professionally printed and bound to keep in their library. That's the kind of dedication to a bit that will get you many years of contracting work once the Umbrella Corporation starts setting up their own spooky mansions and over-elaborate police stations, Mr. Hidden Souls.


There's one last butterfly to meet before I get to that puzzle. She's found in the music room, and she's a full-on "oh Ah do decleah, Ah believe bein' a butterfly is givin' me the vapors!" southern belle type. She asks if I'm surprised to meet a talking butterfly. Lady, if you'd asked me that twenty minutes ago, I might have been able to feign some shock. She warns Jonathan that he must escape before "The Hunter" finds him. "He will turn you into a butterfly," she says, "after that you will no longer be human." Whoa whoa whoa, hold on a minute - are you saying that if I'm transformed from a human into a butterfly then I will stop being a human and become, in fact, a butterfly?! Why was I not informed of this earlier? I'd better get a move on and solve that candle puzzle!


After finding a book of matches and solving the moon room's puzzle by lighting the candles in the correct order, a secret underground tunnel is revealed. I'm not sure why the underground tunnel is decorated with a statue of a man sitting on the toilet. For ambience, I suppose.
While all this is going on, Samantha's voice can occasionally be heard as she talks to the mysterious Hunter before deciding that she doesn't want to be a butterfly after all. I'm finding it hard to dredge up any sympathy, Samantha. I was perfectly content with not running into the spooky mansion.


My, that's an important-looking item. I'd better walk over there and pick it up!


Oops. Turns out the Mansion of Hidden Souls is also the Mansion of Severe Basement Flooding, and the water is much deeper than it appears. That doesn't explain why Jonathan shoots to the bottom of the lake as though he's got a cinderblock strapped to each ankle, though. I've been picking up a few inventory items here and there, but I don't think a couple of keys and a book of matches are enough to make someone sink like a rock.


That'll be a game over, then. The clock strikes midnight, and Jonathan and Samantha are condemned to spend the rest of eternity as butterflies, flapping around Mansion of Hidden Souls and apparently guarding the staircase, waiting for more unsuspecting humans to wander in so they can badger them into casting off their human forms.


After loading my saved game, it was time to gain access to the flooded orb by solving a puzzle. I say puzzle, it's more like basic housekeeping or the first thing they teach you in florist school - you find a flower, and place it in the one empty vase in a nearby room. See, I'm not sure I'd class that as a "puzzle." I need another word to describe this sequence of events, and "pointless busy work" feels a bit harsh. It makes a nice change from just having Jonathan rub his face up against every nook and cranny of the mansion, I suppose, and with the flower in place the water is drained and I can collect the orb.


Sorry, Jonathan, but your sister is a butterfly now. Good luck explaining that one to your parents. Still, it was nice of the Hunter to put Samantha inside a protective plastic bubble, I can shove her in my inventory without having to worry about accidentally murdering her every time I reach into my pocket.


Just as Jonathan is leaving, the Hunter himself appears! He's, erm, not what I was expecting. I'm not sure what I was expecting, really. I suspect that some deep-down part of me was hoping that a character called "the Hunter" would turn out to be a Crocodile Dundee type in a big floppy hat and a survival vest, but I knew that was never really going to be the case. That doesn't stop it being a disappointment when the Hunter is revealed to be an escapee from a pedestrian crossing signal, though.
As the pivotal figure in this spooky mansion, you'd expect that the Hunter has some important information to relay to the player. He might well do, but sadly I can't tell you what that information is - the audio levelling is so awful during his speech, and the Hunter's voice is so echoey and over-compressed, that his words are almost impossible to decipher. The odd snippet of information does manage to break through the dense soundtrack and the vocal effects to reach your ears, the most pertinent being that Jonathan and Samantha cannot escape the mansion and that "butterflies are the souls of flowers." I thought butterflies were the souls of people? I thought that was the entire premise of the game, that people were being turned into butterflies? My advice to you, Mr. Hunter, is twofold - turn the soundtrack down next time you get to speechifying, and focus up your evil schemes because this whole souls-flower-butterflies thing is all over the place.


As I was leaving the Hunter's chamber, I made the mistake of looking at the statue of the sitting man again. The statue was so perturbed by my gaze that it stood up and soundlessly trampled Jonathan beneath its big stone feet in what was definitely the game's most unsettling moment.


With my butterfly sister ensconced safely in my inventory, it's time to find a way out of the mansion. Talking to the butterflies again can sometimes reveal a hint about what you're supposed to be doing, although I'll admit that I had to look up what my next move was here - finding a candlestick and crawling through the fireplace. Talking to the butterflies also reveals that Samanthafly's wings are still red, which means she can be turned back into a human if she escapes the mansion quickly enough. Blimey, that's convenient. The butterfly curse is like laying cement, it takes a while to set. My solution would be to pitch Samantha's butterfly orb through the nearest window like a baseball and hope that counts as "escaping the mansion," but Jonathan would not entertain such a notion and instead it was back to looking for keys and secret passages.


My habit of making Jonathan walk face-first into walls finally paid dividends when I stepped into this wall. The gentle caress of his skull against the brickwork was enough to dislodge a hidden key, knocking it to the ground where I could collect it. If I hadn't immediately found this key by accidentally holding up on the d-pad long enough for Jonathan to get a mild concussion, I suspect I would be much more annoyed at just how terrible a "puzzle" this is. As it is, I can just sit back and say "that is terrible" in a much more relaxed manner.


The last stretch of the game involves figuring out the deal with this mirror. Other than it being a terrible mirror, I mean, I can't see shit in there. That means another round of looking at every part of the mansion, because there are items you can now pick up even if you've already looked right at them before and nothing happened.


For example, this whacking great crystal. I looked at this crystal earlier and Johnathan didn't think it was interesting enough to collect, but now he can't wait to get his hands on it. It's particularly aggravating because when I saw the crystal earlier I knew it looked important - important enough that the developers made it recognisable even through the kaleidoscopic pixel blizzard of the game's graphics - but I couldn't do anything with it. It's a good job it's sharing a table with a giant cake, because I was always bound to take a second look at the giant cake and hey, now I have a crystal.


I appreciate the game allowing me to shave a few seconds off my time spent trudging around the mansion by jumping over the railing to get to the ground floor. It's useful, because I'm working against the clock now! I know, being timed is usually a real pain in the backside but the time limit is very generous, and one of the more helpful butterflies even tells you to pick up a watch that shows you how long you've got left. Thanks, butterfly. While Mansion of Hidden Souls is not entirely successful as an adventure game, with only a few uninteresting puzzles and a lot of looking at everything multiple times, it does at least have plenty of atmosphere. The music and sound design is very effective, the Hunter sounding like he's speaking from the bottom of a mine shaft aside - and the different butterflies are really the main draw of the game. By talking to them you learn their stories and their foibles: the musician butterfly regrets her metamorphosis, the butterfly collector is creepily keen on you joining the fluttering fold, the artist is baked out of his goddamn gourd, and the whole thing does come together in a fascinating, dream-like bubble of weirdness. It's interesting enough to make me wish the game was better, let's put it that way.


The final puzzle is all about doors with numbers on them. Jonathan travels through a series of rooms with three doors, only one of which leads onwards with the other two spitting you back out into the mansion. The doors all have numbers on them, so I looked around for hints until the butterfly in the games room started telling me about "the number that rhymes with key," in a way that made me want to swat her and say "just say "three", this 'rhymes with key' thing is insulting my intelligence." Of course, I immediately got my comeuppance for thinking this because the knowledge that the number three was important didn't really help me any. It turns out you have to walk through the doors whose digits, when added together, are divisible by three. Before I knew this I made it most of the way through by simply remembering which doors were the dead ends, until I thought "why don't I just look the answer up?" So I did. The doors eventually lead you back to the mirror, and I figured out that you need to use the crystal on the mirror by virtue of it being the only item I hadn't used yet. One mirror/crystal interaction later and voilĂ , The Mansion of Hidden Souls is complete!


The children escape the mansion's clutches, the Hunter ineffectually shouting "Where are you going! Don't go!" as Jonathan books it out of the house. He seems like a nice young man, but I don't think anyone would begrudge him the opportunity to make a rude hand gesture on his way out. Anyway, Samantha is restored to her human form, and in a shocking twist it turns out she's Alice of "in Wonderland" fame. This is going to harm the believability of her story when her parents ask her where she's been all night, they know she's in the habit of drinking strange mind-altering substances and hanging around with pothead caterpillars.


The Mansion of Hidden Souls is an interesting game. Is it a good game? You know, I honestly can't tell. There weren't enough puzzles or thinking involved for my tastes, and the graphics were occasionally downright punishing, but I never felt bored or infuriated while I was playing it. As I say, it's certainly got atmosphere in plentiful supply, and while the voice acting is admittedly poor that's fine by me because there are few things I love more than bad videogame voice acting. It's worth checking out if FMV games and Myst-a-likes are your thing, but if you're not a fan of the genre then this isn't going to be the game to sway you. As for the Halloween-O-Meter score...


Six feels about right, because it's not traditionally Halloween-y but it does have a bizarre feel all of its own, more of a Dario Argento vibe than a George Romero one. You can add an extra two points if you suffer from lepidopterophobia, too! Also, I'm sorry everyone laughs at you for being afraid of butterflies.

27/09/2014

TIME SLIP (SNES)

If today's game wasn't originally pitched as "Contra III but with time travel" then I will eat my hat. No, scratch that - I don't wear hats and the only one I have in the house is a plastic novelty bowler I once wore as part of a Halloween costume, and that would kill me if I ate it. Instead, let's just say I'd be very surprised. But what game is it? Why, it's The Sales Curve's 1993 SNES title Time Slip!


A man wearing a needlessly tight jumpsuit stares in disgust at the world's ugliest clock. "What an ugly clock," he thinks to himself, forgetting the old proverb about people wearing bright green onesies in glass houses.
The Lime Avenger here is our hero, ready to save the world for whatever's menacing it this week. Don't worry, the intro will fill us in.


This time it's aliens from the planet Tirmat. I thought they were from the planet Tiamat at first glance, but a closer examination of the font reveals that what I took to be the letter A is actually a capital R. Here's a tip: if people have to closely examine your font, you're using the wrong font.
Rather than the usual "conquest for conquest's sake" alien menace, the Tirmatians are invading Earth because their home planet is about to be destroyed by a rift in space-time  and Earth is the nearest inhabitable planet. You can feel some sympathy for them, under the circumstances. You could feel a damn sight more sympathy for them if the Tirmatians didn't send soldiers back to various point in the Earth's history so they can take over the planet before we discover gunpowder or electricity rather than just asking if they can stay in Earth's spare room for a while until they find themselves a new place.
One other thing: the Tirmatians know enough about Earth to name their spaceship Torquemada, presumably after the 15th-century head of the Spanish Inquisition Tomas de Torquemada. Naming their vessels after someone whose name is a byword for cruelty and intolerance is a possible hint that the Tirmatians are not nice guys.


To counter the Tirmatian menace, the people of Earth assemble a crack team of highly-skilled soldiers who will be inserted into the past to repel the Tirmatian menace.


This crack team is then wiped out before they can even get buckled into the time machine. Oh well, on the plus side our new Tirmatian overlords' meddling with the time stream will probably mean that Mariah Carey's Glitter never gets made.


A slender hope for humanity remains as one man survives the attack, one man who will travel into the past to fight the alien hordes, one man named Dr. Vincent Gilgamesh. Really? That's the name you're going with? Dr. Vincent Gilgamesh. No, it's fine. Yes, of course I think "Vincent Gilgamesh" is a cool name, he looks like a cool guy who can do cool things. He definitely doesn't look like someone who's getting tired of carrying around this car exhaust he found laying by the kerb.




First up is the Medieval zone. Whoa, flashbacks to The Crystal Maze there, but sadly Time Slip features nothing as interesting as Richard O'Brien playing the harmonic and rambling on about his mother - instead Dr. Gilgamesh must use his rapid-fire machine gun to fend off the local peasants who attack with sharp sticks and smaller sharp stick launched from bendy bits of wood. Bows and arrows, I mean. You'll notice that description of the enemy forces doesn't include time-travelling space aliens, because the Tirmatians are nowhere to be seen, so Dr. Gilgamesh has so far taken the incredibly heroic action of travelling to the distant past and blowing away the local population with his highly advanced weaponry. I'm not entirely sure how that's going to save humanity, and if I was Dr.Gilgamesh I'd be constantly worrying about gunning down one of my ancestors and thus ceasing to exist.


Gameplay-wise, it really does just feel like Contra III. A half-baked, less interesting version of Contra III with reduced graphical appeal, but the basic comparison holds up. There are differences, though: you don't die in one hit, and instead you have a health bar with five whole segments! The trouble is, there's no knock-back when you take damage so it's easy to get stuck inside the enemy or obstacle that's hurting you and lose a ton of health. You also only have one main weapon, a machine gun that can be upgraded through collecting power-ups to fire faster and then to fire in a fairly narrow spread pattern. Other than that, you run around and jump over projectiles while shooting the poor unsuspecting inhabitants of this medieval forest.


There's a fight against a hoverbike at the end of the forest. That must be the Tirmatians' doing, then. It's Robin Hood and his Merry Men, not Robin Hood and his Anti-Gravity Gun Platform.
The boss swoops back and forth across the screen, which is shame because you have to jump over it each time and to do so successfully requires extremely accurate timing that I never managed to get quite right, partly because the boss likes to hover off the edge of the screen so you can't see when it's about to fly towards you. If Time Slip did have one-hit kills, it would be have become annoying already. It doesn't, but give it time.


Now I'm in a cavern decorated with a skull motif, being chased by muscular, headless dwarves. There are two possible explanations for this: either the Tirmatians' plan was informed by a grotesque misunderstanding of the content of Snow White, or by a happy coincidence they travelled to a time period that just so happened to be populated by murderous miniature bodybuilders with no heads, creatures that weren't recorded by human history because Dr. Gilgamesh was forced to destroy them all.


After a while, you have to fight a... I was going to say "wizard," but I think that's giving this guy more credit than he deserves. Proper wizards command the very forces of creation with a mere gesture, while this boss drifts around in his dressing gown dropping Christmas decorations on your head.


This dragon is a much more serious proposition, but again: dragons? Not aliens. I think the dragon is my favourite boss in the game, but only because his face reminds me of Mantenna from ­She-Ra. The actual fight is a bit of a chore, because it turns out that while dragons might be slain relatively easily by virtuous knights with keen blades and a well-developed sense of chivalry they're rather tougher to take down with bullets. When the fight does end, it feels like the dragon has become bored of the whole affair and has laid down for a nap rather than because you've done it irreparable physical damage.


We're still in the Medieval era, huh? This first stage sure is going on. I like the prisoners that feebly swat at you from being their cell doors, though. They just seem a bit lonely. Well, they ought to be, I've killed every living thing in a ten-mile radius.


At last, it's the final boss of stage one and at least he fits in nicely with the Medieval theme. Sure, he looks like a Ghouls 'n' Ghosts boss that was scrapped for not being interesting enough, but he's more imposing than that wizard. The boss has a huge shield, which probably explains why it takes more bullets than were fired during the D-Day landings to bring him down. Honestly, I don't know why Time Slip even bothers having a fire button. They could have just programmed the game so that your gun is always firing all the time: the end result would have been the same, and I'd save some wear on my Y button.


Alright, I'm headin' to the Cretaceous! There are gonna be dinosaurs and guns and space aliens, it's gonna be so totally rad that it's gonna make every other SNES game look like Barney's Hide and Seek!


Oh come on. A side-scrolling shooter section? Really? I don't even get to shoot any dinosaurs, just jumped-up trilobites. Ooh, suddenly snuffling around on the ocean floor isn't good enough for you and you've decided you want nothing more than to smear yourself across the front of the jetbike that I now suddenly have access to for some reason? Even by the low, low standards of side-scrolling shooter levels shoehorned into games of otherwise different genres this one is poor. This is mostly down to your weapon being able to fire in eight directions but only if you're moving in that direction, a system which the developers took as carte blanche to make waves of enemies appear willy-nilly all over the bloody screen. Either make it so I can lock my direction of fire or just have the ship shoot forwards and put some effort into coming up with some decent enemy patterns.
So, in summary: sudden shooter sections in run-n-gun games continue to blow goats.


After the dismal jet-bike section, there's a very brief on-foot area that consists of running up an enormous staircase that's launching out big chunks of red-hot lava. Hang on... this staircase is actually a volcano, isn't it? A volcano made entirely of right angles. Okay, whatever, I'm just glad that Time Slip has decided it's not Gradius after all.
Also in the screenshot above, you can see some crystal laying on the ground. You can pick those crystal up for points, and each one also increments the blue bar labelled "TGS"by a tiny amount. What happens when the TGS bar is filled? No, I'm asking you what happens. I never managed to fill it. I want to believe it's something to do with The Girlie Show from 30 Rock, but deep down I know the universe is too cruel for that to be true.


There's a dinosaur at the top of the volcano. Neat. The dinosaur looks more like a dragon than the dragon boss from the first stage did, but he's so cheerful that it doesn't really matter. I wanted to be his friend, but the foul Tirmatians must have brainwashed the volcanosaurus into to trying to kill me so I had to stand underneath it and fire a thousand tonnes of hot lead right into its scaly chin.


Ancient Egypt is next, and as I prepare to gun down this shirtless young man armed only with a spear, a young man no doubt terrified by the strange person who has just appeared from nowhere, I have to wonder about Dr. Gilgamesh's status as a "good guy."


Tremble before Anubis, God of Weight-Training! Judging the souls of the dead is a great upper-body workout, it seems. It's a shame for Anubis that he's the easiest boss in the entire game, then. He should have spent more time working on his legs, because that's where I shot him until he died.


You know, this is starting to remind me of the Pyramid stage from Metal Slug 3. My recommendation is that you play Metal Slug 3 - hell, any Metal Slug game - rather than this. Nice artwork on the sarcophagi, though.


There's a high-tech alien base at the heart of the pyramid. Erich von Daniken would shit a brick if he saw this.
When I write about a game for VGJunk, I generally play it through and then give it a day or so to percolate through my mind, allowing me to come to an unhurried conclusion. When I sat down to write about Time Slip, however, there was nothing there. I had forgotten almost everything about the game besides that it was fairly irritating, and so I had to play it again, making me possibly the only person in the world to have ever played all the way through Time Slip twice. It's a forgettable game, a hour or so of the usual run-n-gun action only with the annoying inability to lock your gunfire in one direction, enemies that are frustratingly difficult to avoid thanks to some loose jumping physics and boss battles that drag on and on and on, not because they're hugely difficult, but because every enemy in this game has ridiculously oversized health bars. I don;t think I needed the second playthrough to figure that out, but it's nice to have confirmation.


The boss of the Egyptian stage has lots of health and a shield of rotating orbs to protect it from harm, so as you can probably guess it's my favourite boss ever. There isn't even anything interesting to say about it unless you count the observation that the orbs look kinda like a face-on view of a robot dolphin. I really hope you find that interesting. That's the level I operate on here at VGJunk.


It's Ancient Rome for stage four, and the developers have really capitalised on the Roman Empire famously being nothing but a series of brick towers with ladders bolted to the outside to create an explosively exciting shooting-things-while-hanging-off-ladder experience. Dr. Gilgamesh is fighting the Tirmatians themselves now. They're scrawny little things with big guns. No wonder your home planet is being destroyed by a space-time anomaly, you bunch of skinny nerds.


Look at this Tirmatian. His broodmates or clone-family or whatever they have on his planet are out risking their lives to ensure the survival of their species, and this guy is just sitting there playing the saxophone. Good job, Glarxxon - while you're busting out the riff from Careless Whisper over and over again, Dr. Gilgamesh is putting an end to your fiendish scheme!


Then I had to fight a twelve-foot-tall David Copperfield. Why? Who the hell knows. He doesn't seem very interested in the fight, either. You could at least look at me when we're supposed to be duelling to the death, you jumped-up party entertainer.
There's another boss fight at the end of this stage, but it's just the floating orbs again in a slightly different configuration and how can I say anything interesting about that when I've just been shooting the world's wealthiest illusionist, owner of several Caribbean islands and, apparently, a literal giant? I can't, I just can't. On to the next stage, then!


What fun, it's another one of these. The background looks good, but that's about as much praise as I'm willing to extend here. By this point, Time Slip's difficulty level has overtaken the generic gameplay as the main reason why the game isn't much fun. There are so many enemies populating the screen - enemies that are difficult to defeat without taking damage thanks to the awkward shooting controls and the bulky sprites - that you might as well have a health bar that constantly ticks downwards. There's very little you can do to avoid any of this on-screen junk, and best of all there are no passwords or even continues, so if you lose all your lives it's right back to the start of the game.


So, the Containment Unit from Ghostbusters was behind everything! The bosses in this game are really uneven in tone, aren't they? Giant suits of armour, dragons and David Copperfield on the one hand, metal spheres and metal cubes on the other. Am I implying that there was kind of Odd Couple dynamic between two of Time Slip's development staff, one a stiff and staid fan of various metallic shapes, the other a wild and zany character who plays a lot of Dungeons and Dragons? They bicker and get into scrapes, but deep down they love each other and, to keep the peace between them, they compromised on what bosses would be included in the game. That's the only reason I can come up with to explain why, in what is ostensibly a fast-paced action game, you have to fight an immobile metal square. All the kids were clamouring to do battle against an office safe, were they?


Dr. Gilgamesh decides that the only way to stop the invaders once and for all is to travel to the planet Tirmat and destroy the heart of their empire. Nice to know that the time machine also works as a teleporter. There's even a little tool that flips out of the side for getting stones out of horse's hooves.
You might notice that this stage has one distinguishing feature: the complete inability to see what the bloody hell you're doing. The game was hard enough before the graphics started looking like an extreme close-up of a flu sufferer's sinuses, and I have to admit it's at this point that I knocked up a GameGenie code to give myself infinite health. The frustration of taking damage from projectiles and enemies that could have been invisible for all the warning I had was getting too much, so I decided to take it easy for the good of my mental health.


That's a bit better - visually, I mean, the game hasn't suddenly become good or anything. No, it started off as an unrewarding chore and it has evolved an unrewarding chore with the addition of a difficulty curve that swooped past "challenging" a long way back and is now hovering around "masochistic".
I haven't even mentioned the sub-weapon system, mostly because it's not very good. You can see that I have a couple of options at the top of the screen - the sub-weapons are one-shot deals that can be replenished by collecting power-ups. One of them is a screen-covering smart bomb, and that's fairly useful, but the others are just variations of the forward-firing rocket-launcher. The problem is that you can only fire them straight forwards, and because the enemies come from all angles then approximately 12.5% of the time your sub-weapons are useless because your target isn't sitting right in front of you.


The penultimate boss is a wall of robotic nipples. Each nipple blossoms in turn to reveal a small gun that shoots at Dr. Gilgamesh. Destroy that nipple-cannon and the next one appears, and so on and so forth. Repeat this until you've destroyed al the cyber-nipples, and then do it a bit more because the developers assumed we'd be having so much fun fighting this boss that they made some of the nipples regenerate.


The final boss of Time Slip is an arcade crane game that tries to pick you up as though you were nothing but a poorly-made Hello Kitty cuddly toy. Can you feel the raw excitement!? This is what I mean about the sub-weapons being mostly useless. The boss is up there, where I can't aim my weapons. I suppose I could jump and fire horizontally, but after playing through Time Slip I've decided I want as little to do with its jumping mechanics as possible. No, I'm going to stand directly underneath it and fire straight upwards, thus saving the Earth.


Oh man, Moist are playing a gig tonight! They're totally my favourite Wet Wet Wet cover band ever, let's go and see the show. Yeah, it's at The Club. It's a small town, we only have one club.
So, Dr. Gilgamesh saves the day by condemning a race of sentient, saxophone-loving aliens to complete annihilation. It all just seems a bit unnecessary. We could have worked something out, surely? The Tirmatians could have gone back in time and warned themselves of the impending catastrophe. We humans could have let them borrow Mars for a bit. Next time, let's try opening a dialogue before resorting to interstellar invasions, hmm? No one had a fun time here today, least of all me.


That's Moist for you, always inciting riots amongst the impressionable youth with their music and their antics and their shallow anti-establishment posturing. The word "Gilgamesh" is written four times on this newspaper page, which seems a bit excessive but then I suppose he did save the whole of humanity from extinction.
If you've been paying attention - and I wouldn't blame you if you hadn't - then you'll have realised that Time Slip is one you should avoid. It's a relatively competent Contra clone that's smeared with just enough poor design choices - the shooter stages, the HUD that covers most of the top of the screen, the useless special weapons - to become an unpleasant experience. Play Contra III instead, play a Metal Slug game instead, hell, even go outside and talk to another human instead. Well, maybe not that last one. Let's not go crazy.

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