NINTENDO'S WEB GAMES

A couple of years ago I wrote about a bunch of the little games you could play on the official Pokemon website. You know, short Flash games with a Pokemon theme, like a Puyo Puyo clone hosted by Munchlax or a Gastly-themed hidden object game which sounds like something designed specifically for me but which unfortunately turned out to be not that good. Well, now that I’ve gotten over the crushing disappointment of Gastly’s Hidden Haunt I decided I was ready to take a trip to another set of browser-based minigames, and where could be more appropriate than the websites of Nintendo themselves? Nintendo are one of the world’s most famous entertainment brands, a lot of their output is child-friendly and they make games, so I’m sure the browser games on their site will be top-notch. Right?

Here at Nintendo’s European site you’ve got the Nintendo Kids Club, where young Nintendo fans can gather to have less fun than they would if they were, for example, playing actual Nintendo games. Maybe it’s their older sibling’s turn to use the Switch or something, so little Timmy or Terri turns to the Nintendo Kids Club, where they’re greeted by your favourite Super Mario characters looking extremely cheerful. This is probably because Bowser isn’t currently trying to abduct Peach / Luigi’s not exploring a haunted mansion / Toad’s not talking so they don’t have to hear his voice. And look, there are games! Other stuff, too, but I’ll be focussing on the games. Yes, games are great, I’m looking forward to playing some.

As expected the Super Mario series is heavily represented, with Animal Crossing having a few games too plus only lonely Kirby game. More surprising is the complete lack of games based on The Legend of Zelda, Metroid or Splatoon. Okay, maybe the lack of Metroid isn’t surprising – Nintendo seem to regard the franchise with an air of “oh, and Metroid too I guess” at the best of times, but Splatoon’s pretty big and Zelda is, well, it’s Zelda. Not even a sliding block puzzle with Link’s face on it, Nintendo? Really?

Time for the first game on the list and it’s a Super Mario jigsaw. A jigsaw with a Christmas theme, bafflingly. I know Christmas starts early these days, but it’s only the beginning of September. Perhaps that’s why there’s no games based on Splatoon or Breath of the Wild – it’s because these games haven’t been updated since about December 2014.
You know what you’re getting with a jigsaw, at least, even if “Mario blasting through a Christmas wreath in his flying go-kart” isn’t exactly what I expected the first game I played to look like. The jigsaw game works fine. Not much that can go wrong with a jigsaw, is there? It’s a good job it works, too, because a bunch of the other games on this page are jigsaws, including one of Yoshi throwing an egg, an Animal Crossing scene and one starring that famous Nintendo superstar, Teddy.

You know, Teddy! Everyone loves Teddy! Okay, I have no clue who Teddy is. I looked it up and apparently Teddy is the star of a 3DS game called Teddy Together which was developed by Street Fighter EX creators Arika, so you could make the argument that Teddy and Skullomania are related. Teddy Together is a “life simulator” type game in the vein of Nintendogs, except with a teddy bear that talks in a slightly disconcerting synthesized voice that’s very… breathy. From what I’ve seen it’s a bit creepy, but not as creepy as Donkey Kong’s mostly-obscured grinning face staring out at me from behind Teddy. Donkey Kong likes to watch, you see.

I’d never heard of Teddy Together before today and I’ll be honest, doing a very basic jigsaw of the bear himself is not likely to make me rush out and buy a copy. This jigsaw is making want to rush out and buy some cakes, though. Maybe it’s stealth advertising by Mr. Kipling.

Okay, time for something that’s not a jigsaw with “Make Four With Mario.” Luigi’s name goes unmentioned despite him being right there, which does fit in with most of Luigi’s characterisation these days, so let’s assume it was intentional.

It’s Connect Four, except the counters are red and green rather than red and yellow. I’ll let you decide whether the colour was changed from yellow to green to match Luigi or to avoid Milton Bradley’s lawyers.
To reiterate, it’s Connect Four. That’s it. It has no connection to anything Nintendo-related aside from using the words Mario and Luigi for the player names. You could change the names to Rommel and Montgomery and call it “Make Four At El Alamein” and no-one would suspect its Mario-related origins. The very definition of low-effort, right? Could there not have even been some Nintendo artwork at the side of the screen, or a voice clip of Luigi saying “Mamma mia, I lost again, my existence is a hollow-a nightmare”? If only there were some kind of coin-shaped disc that Mario was famous for collecting, they could have used those for the counters instead of plain circles.

"Spot the Animal Crossing Friends" next, where Animal Crossing characters slide into a picture of the village and you have to click on them. Well, at least it’s definitely based on Animal Crossing, so it just abut clears the incredibly low bar that’s been set for these minigames.
The thing is, the characters appear and vanish so quickly that it’s actually quite hard to click on them in time… but it’s okay, because you can still get credit for clicking where they were. Considering they’re supposed to be your friends, these characters can’t get away from you fast enough.

By far the best game on the site is "Kirby’s Quick Draw", based around Kirby and the Rainbow Curse. It starts off strongly by being the only game with any music, and from there it gets by on the powerful cuteness of the Kirby brand – a power that should not be underestimated. I’d probably have done a lot better on the maths portions of my degree if the textbooks had been presented by Kirby and his pals. Kirby believes in you.

The actual game is connect the dots, which does tie in to Rainbow Curse’s use of the Wii U gamepad to draw lines for Kirby to walk on. That’s synergy, that is. As a connect the dots minigame it’s perfectly acceptable, although the best thing about it was that it reminded me I need to buy a new mouse. The left button’s going on mine, which mean I kept not dragging the line properly. Someone recommend me a decent, cheap wireless mouse, please.
It’s a very simple minigame, but as I said, it gets by on cuteness. I mean, just look at this:

Hi, Kirby! If you play this minigame and don’t say hello to Kirby out loud upon reaching this screen then you’re probably some kind of irredeemable sociopath.

Naturally there are also some sliding block puzzles, including another Christmas-themed Mario one and a couple based on Yoshi’s Woolly World, like this mixed-up Shyguy. I completed none of these minigames. I’ve made my contempt for sliding block puzzles clear many times in the past and I will not engage with them if I can possibly avoid it. I tell myself it’s because they’re not fun, they’re boring and they take too long, but really it’s because I’m awful at them and I hate feeling like I’m being outsmarted by a children’s novelty.

"Shadow Spotter" is all about identifying silhouettes of famous Nintendo characters, like Princess Peach. You get four shadows to choose from – three where she’s looking regal and one in the top-left where she looks like she’s getting ready to beat the crap out of someone – and you click on the matching outline. Donkey Kong continues to stare out from the background, silently judging your every choice.

Oh, cool, there’s a proper little hidden object game in here.  I do love a good hidden object game – which is to say I love horror-themed hidden object games with wonky 3D models or images clipped out of a Halloween gift catalogue. This Animal Crossing version is neither of those, but it’s an okay way to pass thirty second while reflecting on the fact that I’ve never actually played an Animal Crossing game. Maybe that’s because I’ve seen how I run a household; the thought of being in charge of a whole town is too much pressure for me to handle.

There’s a Christmas hidden object puzzle, too. Please note that there was a turkey in the previous scene. The turkey is not visible during the village’s Christmas celebration.

And here’s "Luigi’s Word Jumble", a wordsearch with Nintendo charactersszzzzz – okay, I’m rapidly slipping into a coma here. I think I’d better head over to the US Nintendo site and see what’s on offer there. Sure the razzmatazz and spectacle associated with America will pervade the games on the US site, that should keep me awake.

Or perhaps not. Yet more jigsaws, this time with the cast of the Wario Ware series. On the plus side this jigsaw’s pieces are at least shaped like jigsaw pieces, but it’s still just a jigsaw and I had enough of those on the European site, thanks very much. A lot of the games are in a similar mould on the US site, but there are some that are a bit different.

For instance, there’s "How to Draw Captain Toad and Toadette", which gives you an outline of everyone’s favourite fungoid serf and a few pen tools and colours with which to recreate your own masterpiece. It’s a fun little tool and one that I think kids would get more enjoyment from that most of the other offerings on the site – I know that at around age six I did nothing but draw Super Mario characters and if I could have done it on the computer with traceable outlines and an undo feature I’d have been all over it.

You can even download your finished picture and print it out, or email it to your enemies with no accompanying text in the hope that they’ll take it as a mysterious threat and, in their panic, accidentally reveal their next move in your long-running game of mental chess. Personally I rather like my finished Toad. It looks crap, but charmingly crap. It’s definitely “stick it on the fridge” material.

Of course, there’s no rule saying that you have to draw Toad or Toadette. I drew a jack o’lantern, because I am extremely predictable. Hey, it’s September now, get used to it. Given the way Britain seems to be heating up in recent years I might not get to see many more Autumns.

There’s a different shadow-matching minigame, this time featuring bizarre cube-shaped versions of Pokemon. The folly of trying to turn Exeggcute – a Pokemon solely defined by being shaped like goddamn eggs – in a pile of cubes is so ridiculous I can’t help but love it. Plus, cube Pikachu looks like it ran face-first into a wall in the manner of a hyperactive puppy.

Honestly, the US site doesn’t have much in the way of actual games, focussing much more on quizzes and goofy polls, and these do feature a lot more “real” Nintendo content even if that does just mean pictures of the characters that the games are supposedly involved in. Here’s one about matching the emblems from Mario Tennis to their respective characters. Not the most difficult mission, but it gives me the chance to see Mario and Luigi looking annoyed that Toad and Bowser aren’t taking this tennis tournament seriously, having turned up in their normal outfits (or lack thereof, in Bowser’s case).  I suppose Toad’s little Aladdin vest allows him freedom of movement, but he could have slapped on a couple of sweatbands or something.

I know I’m supposed to be focussing on the site’s games, such as they are, but I can’t leave without mentioning this Zelda quiz that gives “North American Vampire Inc.” as a possible origin for Navi’s name. I know it’s the wrong answer but in my heart it’s right, right, right. What the hell would North American Vampire Inc. even be? The cynical, topical answer would be “the US healthcare system” but it’s definitely a construction company that builds ornate Gothic castles and mouldering crypts that suit both your unholy needs and your budget.

Okay, that’s enough of these websites, I can’t handle the excitement any longer. They were a disappointingly low-effort bunch of timewasters, especially on the European site. It’s a real downgrade from the Pokemon web games, which weren’t amazing but at least had some quality to them and even the generic ones had plenty of Pokemon art and stuff. I must admit I expected more from Nintendo, especially when compared to the web games offered by big toy companies like Lego and Playmobil. On the Playmobil website there’s a Ghostbusters game where you run around the firehouse zapping ghosts and you can even play as Janine, which knocks bloody Connect Four into a cocked hat.
I am being a little unfair, though. There are some fun things on these sites, especially the downloads section of the US site where you can get printable things like greetings cards and party invitations. Oh, and this.

That’s right, a pattern for carving a Goomba into a pumpkin for Halloween – and by “Halloween” I mean “however long you can make a pumpkin last because you wouldn’t throw out a Goomba pumpkin until it was a pile of brown mush, would you?” This discovery alone has made this entire article worth it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to camp outside my nearest greengrocer.

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SUPER BIOMAN 1 (MASTER SYSTEM)

C’mon, you must know it. It’s the famous catchphrase of one of gaming’s most enduring icons, a jolly red chap who lives in a cartoon world of brick platforms and turtle-stomping. Why not shout it along with me? Ready? “It’s-a me, Bioman!”

Super Bioman 1, no less; an unlicensed Korean Master System game from 1992 that was (perhaps) developer by a company called Hello Soft. Not to be mistaken for a tie-in with the Super Sentai series Choudenshi Bioman, Super Bioman 1 is the story of what appears to be a pudgy alien child in a red babygrow who must travel the land to save a princess. At least, I assume princess-rescuing is the goal, what with Bioman being a complete rip-off of Super Mario.

A rip-off of the all-time NES classic Super Mario Bros. 3, to be precise. This is abundantly clear when you look at Bioman’s map screen, an image that makes you wonder how awkward it must have been for Bioman’s developers to draw on the tracing paper they’d tacked to their TV screens.
It’s got all the elements you’ll be familiar with if you’ve ever played SMB3 (and if you haven’t, go and play it right now, I guarantee you’ll have more fun than reading this article). Numbered stages in a mostly linear progression, bonus areas like the mushroom houses and a castle at the end – all terribly familiar, even when viewed through the extremely bootleg lens of Bioman’s graphics. But will the gameplay adhere to the same Super Mario formula?

Well, yes, obviously. As interesting as it would have been if Bioman’s Mario map screen had lead into a blood-drenched survival horror or something, what we’ve got here is Super Mario but on the Master System and not as good. Bioman can jump, smash blocks with his head, bounce on enemies, collect coins and all that jazz. Of course, Bioman has its own unique quirks, and we’ll get to those in due course.

For now, just take a good look at this off-brand Koopa Trooper. I know it looks like some mad scientist grafted a plucked chicken head onto an army helmet, but this is what passes for Koopa Troopers in Bioman and you can jump on them and kick their abandoned shells around the stage as you’d expect. That said, every time I kicked a turtle shell in Bioman it immediately ricocheted and killed me. I’ll let you decide whether that was down to karmic punishment or Bioman not controlling as nimbly as Mario does.

And so it goes, all the sights of SMB3 recreated in a copyright-infringing way that I honestly find rather charming. Question mark blocks are replaced by “Q” blocks, the coins are dollars rather than the gold-based economy of the Mushroom Kingdom and super mushrooms make Bioman big and cheerful. It all reminds me of a pound-shop toy line, the kind where sure, The Lion King is a Disney movie but there’s nothing to say that there can’t be a different and legally distinct Little King Lion who sings songs about looking forward to becoming a regent with his friends Tumbaa and Pimon. And hey, if you’re going to rip something of it might as well be the best, right?

Thus the first stage ends just as a stage in SMB3 does, with Bioman leaping up to collect one of the random icons in the end-of-stage box. Collect three for a bonus, collect three matching icons for a bigger bonus. I reckon you could make an interesting psychological survey of the split between SMB3 players that patiently try to match the icons and those (like me) who just run towards the goal as fast as possible. Okay, maybe “interesting” is too strong a word.

Here’s stage two, where Bioman has turned purple. It’s because he’s collected a fire flower, you see, and it’s not like they could make him more red. So now he looks grape-flavoured. I’m still at a loss as to what Bioman is supposed to be, honestly. There’s something... familiar about him. He reminds me of some half-remembered mascot character, although that might just be down to the cutesy, chubby style of a lot of Asian mascot characters. I feel like he should be advertising nappies or baby formula, not stomping on turtles.

The third stage is a bit different, because it’s a boss battle! It’s supposed to be the equivalent of the “fort” stages in SMB3 where you fight the mid boss Boom-Boom, but without the stage that precedes the actual fight. Instead you’re thrown straight into battle with this almost indecipherable thing. I once forgot about a bag of potatoes at the back of a cupboard for a couple of months, and it’s nice to see that bag of potatoes went on to get a job in the entertainment business.
With the power to throw fireballs from Bioman’s hands, I went into the battle feeling confident. Just waltz in, sling a few projectiles, claim the easy victory, bask in the cheers of the crowd and so forth. Except you can’t use fireballs in the boss battles. It’s not even that they don’t damage the enemy, either – you simply can’t throw fireballs at all. Let’s put it down to performance anxiety, and resort to jumping on the boss’ head. If that is a head.

Now we’re back to the regular stages, and you might have noticed a few things. One is that all the stages look the same, and yes, apart from the boss battles they all take place in this strange twilight version of the Mushroom Kingdom, where the only light that reaches the ground is the baleful glow of a distant nebula. Again, it’s a look that I do like, but over the course of a whole game a bit more variety would have been nice.
Another thing is that, for a Master System game, the graphics look a bit... crap. On a technical level, I mean. I don’t know much about the Master System hardware, but I believe Bioman is running on an SG-1000 graphics mode. I’m also fairly sure that Bioman was ported from the MSX. There are Bioman games available on the MSX, and as an extra piece of evidence:

I’m pretty sure the Master System doesn’t have a space bar to press. That said, there was a keyboard for the SG-1000, although that definitely wasn’t the intended control scheme for this game.
This is one of Toad’s bonus game houses by the way, now staffed by one of Toad’s distant cousins from the rural backwaters of the Mushroom Kingdom - the kind of place where they keep things in the family, if you get my drift. It’s a slot machine with items as rewards, but the true reward of this screen is that the phrase “god speed you” reminded me to listen to some Guitar Wolf.

At the end of the world is, of course, the castle. Just like the fort there’s no actual stage here, just a boss battle. Bioman replaces Bowser’s Koopa Kids with a grumpy tomato, and it’s definitely a distinct downgrade. Neither of the characters look like they want to be here. I don’t particularly want to be here. The inevitable stomping has taken on the grim air of duty. The tomato offers little resistance as it waddles back and forth along the ground. It yearns for this to end beneath the heel of Bioman’s bootees. In the end, there is only silence.

Holy shit, a talking chair!
I was actually quite surprised that this first world isn’t all there is to the game, but the princess (told you there’d be a princess) isn’t here so there must be more to it. I’m hoping there aren’t eight worlds. Bioman is running out of steam already, it surely cannot sustain itself for another forty-odd stages.  But the talking chair’s unwavering believe in Bioman’s strength gives me the confidence to forge ahead, so let’s see what else the game has to offer.

Well would you look at that, it’s more of the same. I think we all saw this coming.
Now that I’ve cleared the first world, I suppose I should talk a bit about how Super Bioman 1 actually plays. In a word: ehh. Wait, that’s not a word, that’s the noise you make when someone asks you to hang out with people you don’t really know that well. It’s a perfectly suitable noise for describing Bioman, though.

The game works, just about, but it doesn’t work well. There’s a lot of sprite flickering, to the point that it can be difficult to spot enemies sometimes. Bioman himself moves in a fairly slippery manner, often moving a step further than you’d expect when letting go of the directional buttons. Probably the worst aspect of the game is that the left-to-right scrolling is often choppy and sluggish, and not being able to move smoothly from left to right is a real killer for what is essentially a Super Mario game. Weirdly, it never seems to be an issue when moving from right to left, presumably because the game isn’t loading in new sprites and thus slowing things down.

As well as technical deficiencies, Bioman also has some strange quirks in its design. Unlike the set items of Mario games, the contents of each question block are random, which means that if you’re unlucky you can potentially go a long time without finding any power-ups. Then there are changes to enemy behaviour that throw a spanner in the works because I (and pretty much everyone else) am so used to how Mario games work. For instance, in Mario games, if you stand on a pipe that has a Piranha Plant popping out if it, the enemy won’t jump up and bite you on the arse while you’re standing there. Not so in Bioman, and the non-official bitey flowers will keep chomping from right underneath you. Or there are the Boos, which normally won’t move towards Mario while he’s looking at them – but in Bioman the ghosts have overcome their shyness and will move, seemingly at random, whenever they goddamn feel like. Perhaps the most baffling feature is that sometimes the corpses of stomped enemies can hurt you. That’s bad enough, but it gets worse: sometimes harmful enemy corpses will fall out of question boxes, resulting in almost unavoidable death.

If you ever lose sight of what makes the NES Mario games such genre-defining classics, I suggest you go and play a sub-par Mario bootleg. Then you’ll understand. It’s not like Bioman is awful, especially for a pirate game, but there’s enough wonkiness and technical problems to stop it being all that much fun. I do find the graphics quite pleasant in their simplicity and the music – recreations of famous SMB3 tracks, naturally – is quite good.

But by the time I’d reached the end of the second – and as it turns out, final – world, Super Bioman 1 had more than worn out its welcome. More variety would have gone a long way towards keeping things interesting, even if it was just some stages that didn’t take place during an eternal eclipse, but what you get is the same backgrounds, the same simple action and the exact same boss battle before the game limps unconvincingly over the finish line.

I’m glad I got to the ending, though. It’s hard not to be charmed by these thoroughly wrong versions of Mario and Peach. It was kind of the royal jeweller to find such a minuscule crown that wouldn’t draw attention to not-Peach’s tiny, tiny head and hang on, was Bioman supposed to be Mario all along? Or is the plumber just taking all the plaudits for Bioman’s hard work? I say let him have the applause. Judging by the unfortunate shape of his body, iI don't think he's long for this world.
And that’s Super Bioman 1, a Super Mario game on the Master System. It’s certainly something. I’m not the biggest fan of the Alex Kidd games but if you want to stick with those, that’d probably be a good decision.

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SUPER MARIO SPIN-OFF COVERS

Today’s article is all about the cover art from various Super Mario spin-offs, but I don’t mean the kind of spin-offs we’re all familiar with. We all know about Mario’s secondary careers as a doctor or a go-kart driver or a competitor in a multiverse-spanning fighting tournament where he may or may not be a child’s toy brought to life by a magical floating hand. No, these are the really obscure Mario spin-offs. Knitting is involved. We’ll get to that, but let’s begin with something you might actually have heard of.

Mario’s Time Machine, NES

One of several games in the Mario Discovery Series, Mario’s Time Machine is all about learning history. What you’ll actually learn from this cover art, and all the others in this article, is that Mario never, ever closes his goddamn mouth. I think there’s one, maybe two pieces of cover art I looked at for this article where Mario’s gob isn’t hanging open. Sometimes he’s smiling, sometimes it’s the slack-jawed gaping of a man partway through a complex dental procedure, but his mouth is (almost) always open.
As for the rest of this cover, what’s going on? Well, Abraham Lincoln is there, posed in a way that suggests he’s doing his best Tommy Cooper impression. I thought the upside-down bloke at the bottom was Phil Collins at first glance, but I think it’s supposed to be Benjamin Franklin. That’s disappointing, because Mario really does look like the kind of person who would use a time machine to return to 1985 so he can catch the No Jacket Required tour.
Also, the trail coming out of the time machine implies that Mario flew out of that dinosaur’s mouth, promising a level of excitement that Mario’s Time Machine simply cannot provide.

Mario’s Time Machine, PC

The PC CD-ROM version of Mario’s Time Machine also comes with this cover art, and it’s a real artefact of nineties graphic design, huh? Ugly elements placed seemingly at random, logos all over the place and Mario pointing at a bunch of clipart Koopa Troopas. “Look,” says Mario, “Koopa Troopas. I will jump on them.” He’s a simple man with simple needs.

Mario Is Missing!, SNES

He’s right there, Luigi! Are you deaf? Bowser’s not the stealthiest of villains, I can’t believe he’s abducting Mario without making enough noise to get your attention. This is why Mario’s the hero and you’re the sidekick, Luigi. Unless… oh ho, I get it, Luigi is fed up of languishing in his big brother’s shadow, so he lets Mario be kidnapped and prepares to step into the limelight. Well, congratulations, Luigi. You’re the star now. Unfortunately the game you’re starring in is Mario is Missing, so you’ve ended up with a real monkey’s paw of a wish there.

Mario Teaches Typing 2, PC

Mario teaches typing, but he’s not doing a very good job at it. If you follow the trail he’s left behind, he appears to have typed out “wsx.” That might be a word in the Mushroom Kingdom, friendo, but here in the real world it doesn’t mean anything unless you’re showing your appreciation for the obscure and short-lived wrestling programme Wrestling Society X. Phil Collins and unloved wrestling franchises? I’m painting a really weird picture of what Mario’s downtime consists of here.
Aside from his poor typing, there are a couple of interesting thing in this one. The first is that this picture of Mario should clearly be airbrushed on the side of a dodgy carnival ride rather than appearing on the cover of an official product. I can see it now, Mario on the side of a swinging pirate ship ride, in between a picture of a bootleg Batman who looks like he’s just smelled one of Ace the Bat-Hound’s farts and a Minion. The other is the age rating on the right. I think if you reach the age of 102 without having learned how to type, it’s fair enough to suggest you’ll never master it even with Mario’s help.

Mario Teaches Typing, PC

Of course, there being a Mario Teaches Typing 2 means there was an original, but the cover’s not very interesting. Mario looks just like official art that’s been placed on top of a keyboard. Neither cover really sells the idea that Mario’s teaching typing rather than fleeing from a giant keyboard.

Mario Roulette, arcade

To play Mario Roulette, you load a single Bullet Bill into the chamber of a revolver…

Mario’s Early Years: Fun With Numbers, PC

Okay, that last one got a bit dark, but the image of Mario being caught unawares by a photographer, looking guilty as he hangs around a playground full of children, is a whole different thing. Jesus Christ, could you not have shown Mario actually having fun in his usual wholesome manner? You know, maybe avoid drawing him to look as furtive as possible? Instead, let’s focus on the kid at the top, who is definitely about to smash the other kids over the head with that giant number 3.

Mario’s Early Years: Fun With Numbers, SNES

Don’t lie to me, Mario. You can’t have fun with numbers. This is fun on a see-saw, with numbers nearby. Sure, mathematicians will tell you that every aspect of the universe is controlled by numbers and as such all fun springs from maths – especially physics-based fun like you’ll find on see-saws – but who ever listened to a mathematician? Not me! That’s why I failed the maths parts of my degree. Twice.

Mario’s Early Years: Fun With Letters, PC

That’s more like it. You can definitely have fun with letters. Not on this website, but in other places.
Mario’s problems with keeping his mouth shut have reached crisis point in this one, with his gob desperately trying to reposition itself to the back of his neck.

Super Mario Bros. Print World, PC

“Now you’re printing with power,” hah. As someone old enough to remember using dot-matrix printers and continuous paper, I can testify that using those things definitely sounded powerful, by which I mean they made a right racket. But what better use could continuous paper be put to than printing out enormous Super Mario banners? I know if I’d had this software as a kid I’d have done nothing but. Every square inch of my house would have been covered in low-resolution computer copies of Super Mario Bros. 3-era Mario artwork. Getting a birthday card with best wishes from the Mario Brothers themselves? What could be cooler than that? However, some of the print-out choices on this cover are a little strange. “Thank you! Here’s a picture of a fire-breathing snake!” is a weird one, unless you’re thanking someone for helping you beat Tricylde in Mario 2. As for the Super Track Meet banner, I’d imagine Nintendo’s lawyers would be all over you if you tried to hang it in your school or wherever.

Hotel Mario, CD-i

Welcome to the Hotel Mario: such a lovely place, or at least it would be if “Mario” had four syllables so I could do a parody of the Hotel California lyrics. It must be a lovely place, if it’s home to Goombas that dress like Elvis. I know Hotel Mario is one of the least-beloved of all Mario games, but I’m looking at this and imagining the Mushroom Kingdom’s version of Las Vegas, where Elvis-impersonating mushrooms do sets including such hits as “Blue Suede Shrooms” and “Viva Las Fungus.”
I’m not so fond of how the bad guys seem to have undergone the same process that they put Kirby through when he appears on American box art. That Boo’s the worst, their usual spooky mischievousness replaced by a look of genuine rage directed towards Mario. The worst thing of all, however, is the position of Mario’s leg. Take a close look at it, and you’ll notice that it’s sticking directly out of Mario’s crotch rather than being attached to his hips. I’m a little worried it’s not a leg at all.

Mario’s Fundamentals, PC

It looks like Mario’s added “game show host” to his long list of careers, huh? He looks so happy, firing games and pastimes out of his tuxedo jacket. He’s probably just glad he won’t have to jump over any bottomless caverns or lava pits while he’s compering.  The worst he’ll have to deal with is Yoshi eating the draughts board.
As with so many of these covers, this image brings home how just how many times I’ve seen Mario over the years and just how fixed his official image is. Mario’s look shifted around a bit in the NES era and certainly back when he was appearing in arcade games, but since Super Mario 64 he has looked identical in pretty much every single piece of artwork Nintendo have put out. The side effect of this is that you can tell, immediately and at a glance, when Mario hasn’t been drawn by Nintendo themselves. This one’s an obvious case, because Mario doesn’t usually look like an over-inflated pool toy, but even when the images are very accurate they still always seem to be missing that essential Nintendo-ness that marks them out as the real deal.

Mario Party-e, GBA e-Reader

This one’s just nice. Everyone seems to be having a good time together as friends, which implies they’re not actually playing Mario Party. Princess Peach is in a relaxed mood during a rare period in which she’s not an abductee, and she offers the audience a playful wink. Wario and Waluigi look like the inseparable buddies we all know they are. Princess Daisy is shocked by Waluigi’s monster mushroom. However, best of all is Donkey Kong up in the top-left corner. He doesn’t have a bloody clue what’s going on, does he? They should have called this game Mario Party-e feat. Donkey Kong Screaming Invective Into The Uncaring Universe.

Super Mario World redemption game, arcade.

Super Mario’s back and he’s taking quarters, beating up Toads and stealing their dinner money! Finally realised that carrying around those massive Mushroom Kingdom coins is a pain in the arse when he needs to fill up the parking meter, has he? According to this flyer Mario’s the number one most recognisable character in the world, so you’d think he’d be able to park wherever the hell he likes, but I guess not. Relatedly, isn’t it nice that a chubby Italian plumber with a carefree nature and a big bushy moustache became the world’s most recognisable character? When you describe him like that, it’s a wonder anyone remembers him at all and a shock that he’s never been replaced by a “cooler” character. Fortunately, Nintendo seem unconcerned with the notion of “cool.”
As for the artwork, it’s all tracings of official art that seem to have been coloured with felt-tipped pens, so it looks pretty okay. Still, I’m not sure why the artist positioned Mario and Yoshi to look as though they’re about to slam face-first into the ground. The artist’s yellow pen obviously ran out at some point, and it’s strange to see some of these familiar foes coloured in green. I don’t know why Koopa Troopas aren’t coloured green in the first place, actually. Surely turtles are usually more green than they are yellow?

Super Mario Bros. Special, PC-88

Just two quick things to mention with this one: one is the charming expression of slow-witted contentment on the mushroom Mario’s holding. That mushroom might be about to get eaten so Mario can double in size, but it’s just happy to be out in the fresh air and meeting new people. The other thing is the Hammer Brother on the left. Every time I look at it I see the ear-guard of its helmet as its left eye, giving it a strangely Cubist vibe, or more accurately making it look like one of the many, many Super Mario character I drew when I was about seven years old.

Super Mario Bros. And Friends: When I Grow Up, PC

Mario’s quest to become the ultimate dilettante continues as he takes on a job with the police force. Don’t worry, he’ll be bored with it soon enough. He’s only on traffic duty, it’s not like he’s having shoot-outs with drug lords or anything. He’s even convinced Luigi to get a proper job as a firefighter, and aren’t they both having a jolly old time in their uniforms? Ho ho, what fun. Until you see the speed lines coming off Luigi’s fire engine and realise there’s no way he’ll be able to brake in time to avoid committing fratricide. It’s a good job this is happening right outside a doctor’s clinic, they might at least be able to save some of Mario’s organs for transplant. And hey, maybe Donkey Kong’s moonlighting as a nurse or something? That’d be fun.

I Am A Teacher: Super Mario Sweater, Famicom Disk System

Finally, as promised, knitting. Yes, this is a “game” that lets you design knitting patterns for sweaters with Super Mario pictures on them. As far as I can tell, despite the title it doesn’t actually teach you how to knit a sweater. It’s hardly the weirdest thing to have Mario’s name attached to it, not when the Super Mario Bros. movie exists, but it does mean that somewhere in Japan, stuffed in the bottom of a wardrobe and long forgotten, there must be at least one Mario sweater made using this software. You can just imagine some kid pestering his grandparents to make it for them, wearing it to school and showing off the 8-bit Goombas emblazoned across their chest, and that’s a strangely affecting thought. I know I would have wanted a Mario jumper. It’d have made a nice change from the fluorescent-coloured bootleg Simpsons t-shirts I seem to be wearing in every photo from my childhood.

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