FINAL FANTASY V SUMMONS

I really like Final Fantasy V. It might not be the crowning achievement of the SNES’s RPG library in the way that Final Fantasy VI and Chrono Trigger are, and neither is a revolutionary megahit like Final Fantasy VII, but it’s got plenty of its own charms. A fun ability system with dress-up potential  (which, honestly, is something I really like in an RPG,) a simple story of heroic warriors and evil trees, a great soundtrack and a hero whose name you’re well within your rights to transliterate as “Butz.” Sadly I don’t have the time to participate in this year’s Four Job Fiesta, but I’ve had “In Search of Light” from the game’s soundtrack stuck in my head for days and it’s made me really want to write something about FFV, so here’s today’s article: a look at all the summonable monsters in the game, from oversized chickens to oversized chickens made of fire.

Chocobo

I was going to say that the chocobo is a mainstay of the Final Fantasy series’ summons, but thinking about it you can’t conjure large ostrich-like birds in all that many of the games. After FFV I think (and someone can correct me if I’m wrong here) the chocobo only appears as a summon in FFVII, and even then it’s teamed with a moogle. I think this is probably because of the chocobo’s increasing prevalence as a mode of transport. Being able to summon a chocobo in the later games would be akin to reaching out to the magical realms beyond and calling forth a bicycle.
Final Fantasy V’s chocobo isn’t quite as refined, design-wise, as chocobos that would appear later in the series. The legs are ganglier, the neck more crooked, and then there are those eyes: massive, saucer-like peepers that give the chocobo a constant expression of shock. If the plush, fluffy chocobos of games like Final Fantasy XIII are the regal thoroughbreds, then this chocobo is the runt of the litter who lived a tough life on the streets before some kindly group of adventurers took it in. I like it, though. This chocobo looks like it’d be handier in a fight, plus it’s scrawny enough that there’s little risk of the party turning to it for sustenance if their supplies run out.

When you use the chocobo summon, there’s a random chance that you’ll be visited by the fat chocobo instead. That isn’t an ironic nickname. Maybe chocobos hibernate through the winter months and he’s been packing away the gysahl greens in preparation. The difference between the fat chocobo and the regular kind, other than their cholesterol, is that the fat chocobo hits all enemies on screen rather than just one. Of course, the chocobo summon is pretty weak, so there’s a chance you’ll never use it enough times to see the fat chocobo. He’s out there, though. Eating. Wark-ing. Having naps. I’m jealous of the fat chocobo, is what I’m getting at.

Sylph

Sylphs plural, even. Two small fairies in green swimming costumes. Look, every summoner has to start somewhere, all right? You can’t dive straight into the earth-rending megadragons on day one of Summoner School. Not that the sylphs don’t have their darker side: they restore health to the party, but they get that health by draining it from the enemies. They’re more like miniature trained attack vampires than your usual fairies, so at least the concept is fairly metal even if the execution looks like a successful range of soft toys from the eighties.

Remora

This is a weird summon, because remoras are real fish. They’re the ones with the strangely-evolved fins that let them stick to other, larger sea creatures. It sort of makes sense that summoning Remora paralyses your opponent briefly – I know I’d stop whatever I was doing if a fish attached itself to me using an organic suction cup – but there’s nothing particularly magical about a remora. In this case “summon spell” could easily equate to “having a bucket filled with fish.” The remoras in FFV don’t look much like the real-world fish, however, instead clearly being based on piranhas. Now, “bucket full of piranhas”? That’s a special attack I would end up using a lot, unlike summoning remora. Maybe one day there’ll be a FFV sequel that includes the Fishmonger job. As you level up, you learn the secrets of larger buckets with larger fish inside, until you’re dropping aquarium tanks packed with great whites onto the battlefield.

Ifrit

First up in a trio of classic elemental-themed Final Fantasy summons is Ifrit, Square’s take on the Efreet of Middle Eastern legend. Ifrit possesses the power of fire, and if this sprite is any indication that fire might be a little too hot even for him. He’s definitely shielding himself from something, as though he wasn’t expecting his attack called “Hellfire” to be quite so fiery. He’ll tone it down to “Heckfire” next time, I’m sure. Or maybe he's shy, just because you're a terrifiying demon of flame doesn;t mean you're exempt from self-confidence issues.
Someone once told me that Ifrit’s horns reminded them of disgusting overgrown toenails, and ever since that’s what I’ve thought of when I see them. I’m telling you this in the hopes this knowledge works like The Ring and I’ll be free of it forever.

Shiva

The ice spirit Shiva just looks bored. “Ho hum, another day, another monster to freeze to death.” I reckon she knows she’s just a temporary fixture, until the party finds more powerful summons later in their adventure. That would be pretty demoralising. Or perhaps as a facet of the Hindu deity Shiva, she has already seen all this before. I’ve often wondered how the Hindu god Shiva – a male god who has more to do with fire than ice – became a female ice spirit, but then I realised I was thinking about it too hard and Squaresoft probably just liked the name. In fact, I’ve seen some suggestions that “Shiva” is just meant to be the word “Shiver.” I’m not sure I buy that. If it was true, I'd expect Ifrit to be called "Burny" or something, but it’s an interesting theory.

Ramuh

Then there’s Ramuh, the old man with the electric stick. There’s little to say about Ramuh, who doesn’t change much between appearances and does his job of electrocuting monsters with a minimum of fuss. The most interesting thing about him is his beard. If you look through a list of all the times he’s appeared in the FF games, you gain a respect for the amount of effort put into giving him ever-more bizarre and elaborate facial hai.r By the time we get to Final Fantasy XXV, his moustache will be seven miles long and composed of loop-the-loops and dangerous hairpin turns. His moustache is already weird enough in Final Fantasy V,  mind you: one side’s drooping and the other side’s curled up in the air in a way Salvador Dali could only dream of. I assume he ran out of moustache wax half-way through sorting it out. I also assume this happens to Ramuh on a regular basis.

Titan

It’s Titan, former scourge of the Greek gods, now a large naked man squatting in a position that speaks to either an imminent wrestling move or a chronic bowel obstruction. You might be thinking “hey, he’s not naked, he’s wearing a belt that holds a fake horse tail near his rear end,” but let me tell you that you will be refused admittance to the bank or your child’s parents evening or an airport terminal if you turn up wearing nothing but a belt and a fake horse tail.

Golem

Good ol’ Golem, always one of my favourite summons, makes an appearance in FFV. I don’t like him for his looks, if I’m honest. He’s just a monster-man made of rocks, which is a design we’ve all seen a million times even if this particular iteration does only have one arm. I think Titan covers FFV’s quota of “man-shaped lumps that look as though they were carved from stone” very well, thank you, and this Golem certainly isn’t as interesting as the Golem in Final Fantasy VI because that one’s a robot. No, I like Golem because of his special power: when you summon him, you’re placed under his protection and if you’re attacked by physical means then the Golem’s hand pops up out of the ground and deflects the blow. This, one assumes, is why his sprite only has one arm. It’s very satisfying to see your enemies being denied, that’s the thing.

Catoblepas

Catoblepas, or Shoat as it’s sometimes called, is based on a mythical monster that the ancient Greeks described as being able to turn a person to stone with a glance. Being literally petrified by looking at something seems to have been a real worry that played on the collective consciousness of ancient Greece, but it’s not so much of an issue with the Catoblepas as it is with Medusa because the extreme weight of the catoblepas’ head means it’s always looking downwards. It's the Eeyore of the ancient bestiary, really. Looking at this sprite, and particularly the Catoblepas’ single eye, I’m guessing that its design was inspired by real-life animals born with the mutation that makes them cyclopes.

Carbuncle

How unfortunate to share your name with a festering sore. Okay, yes, and also a gemstone, but still. It’s a problem I imagine herpetologists get tired of dealing with. Luckily for Carbuncle (and, presumably, some herpetologists) it's pretty cute. Not “puppy in a Halloween costume” cute, because it’s got a distinctly alien look to it and a rock in its forehead, but something you could see yourself owning as a pet. Keeping it fed might be an issue, mind you. I can't imagine Carbuncle would survive on Pedigree Chum.

Syldra

Mild Final Fantasy V spoilers ahead: Syldra starts the game as the ship-towing companion of playable character and pirate captain Faris, but various events occur and Syldra ends up becoming usable as a summon towards the end of the game. While her non-summon sprite looks a lot more dragon-y, summon Syldra is a Loch Ness monster / plesiosaur type creature. She also looks rather cheerful, probably because she doesn’t have to pull a pirate ship around any more. Surprisingly, Syldra’s elemental attack is wind rather than water. If you’re a big fan of water-theme dragon monsters, don’t worry, FFV has you covered. Syldra’s not a bad summon, either, and with some smart wind-boosting equipment set-ups she can do a hefty chunk of damage. Is it worth all the faffing about to make that happen? Maybe not, FFV does have a lot of ways for you to do big damage. Personally, I like to throw large sums of gil at my problems or, when I last went through the Four Job Fiesta anyway, to pray that my Dancer would deign to activate their high-damage Sword Dance ability on a regular basis.

Odin

Another common recurring summon in the series, Odin works the same way as he always does: instantly killing weaker enemies, or doing damage to bigger foes that are immune to instant death attacks. Don’t fix what ain’t broke, that’s Odin’s motto. His sword has a handy can-opener attachment, and his horse Sleipnir has six legs. The mythological Sleipnir had eight legs, but look at that sprite and tell me where you’d cram in another two legs, huh? My favourite thing about FFV’s Odin is his pose, his outstretched arm in a mocking “is that the best you’ve got?” stance. I mean, it’s probably nothing of the sort: Odin’s above such petty concerns and his pose is simply him trying to keep his balance while carrying a huge sword and riding a horse with surplus limbs. That said, he is the Allfather of the Norse pantheon, you’ve expect him to be at least a bit of a show-off.

Leviathan

I promised you big watery fish-dragons and let it never be said that I’m not a man of my word. I’m looking at Leviathan’s face, and I find myself thinking “what would the Joker look like if he were a fish? There have been so many alternate takes and spin-offs of the Batman universe that I’m sure he was a fish at some point.” Then I remembered the classic episode of Batman: The Animated Series where the Joker uses a special toxin to give a load of fish his face and my question was answered. I do think Leviathan has a really cool sprite, though. Very sinuous, a great colour scheme and again a cheerful expression. There you go, then: being a sea monster is the secret to true happiness.

Phoenix

Yep, that’s definitely a bird made of fire. I’m sorry, folks, I’ve got nothing. You’d expect something more impressive from a top-level summon, especially after Leviathan looked so good, but sometimes you’ve just got to have a bird made of fire. There’s not much else you can do with Phoenix, except spell its name wrong every god damned time.

Bahamut

Finally you've got Bahamut, a relatively classic western-style dragon. His neck doesn’t look very comfortable, does it? It’s all bunched up, he’s going to get a cramp. Nice wings, though. I’m not sure if the artist was going for a crispy crystalline coating or the iridescence of a butterfly, but they make a nice change from the usual leathery wings. The more I look at Bahamut, the more I get a subtle xenomorph vibe from him – it’s the segmented tail and neck, combined with the black parts of his colour scheme. It seems appropriate, Bahamut really could take off and nuke a site from orbit. In the end, though, Bahamut is just another dragon. An imposing, dangerous dragon to be sure, but still just a dragon. Maybe I’ve been spoiled by later Final Fantasy games, where Bahamut becomes a laser-firing space dragon. That’s the kind of thing that could spoil anyone, although it’s going to lead to a rapidly-escalating draconic arms race, with consumers demanding bigger, ever-more-laser-packed dragons. Hang on, I'm making that sound like a bad thing, which it clearly isn't.

That’s all the summonable creatures from Final Fantasy V, then, and if I had to pick a favourite I’d probably go with Leviathan based on looks and Remora for concept. If there’s a better use for the mystical arts of sorcery than firing piranhas at people, I’ve yet to hear it.

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FINAL FANTASY FASHIONS

Final Fantasy XV is almost upon us, after being in development for longer than most tectonic plates. Will it be any good? I have no idea, but I haven't hugely enjoyed any main-series Final Fantasy games since FFVIII (XII is pretty decent, I guess) and I'd be surprised if Square-Enix managed to break that trend this time around. I'm definitely not impressed with what I've seen of the character designs thus far, with their painfully on-the-nose Latin names and, most of all, their costumes.

This is Noctis, the main character of FFXV, a game which apparently takes place in a world without hairbrushes. I'm finding it very difficult to warm to an RPG hero who dresses almost exactly like the teenage boys I used to see trying to wangle their way into over-eighteens-only rock clubs. The clothes maketh the man, and in this case they've made a My Chemical Romance fan circa 2005. Of course, my feelings on the matter are almost certainly down to misplaced nostalgia and encroaching old age, so I'm going to look back on what the other main characters of Final Fantasy games were wearing. If anyone is qualified to make judgements on fashion, it's me. You don't suffer through Rugrats: Totally Angelica without learning a thing or two about style.

Warrior of Light - Final Fantasy

Already I've hit a snag - the party members of the original Final Fantasy are characterless ciphers whose appearance changes based on what job you give them. So, here's the Warrior of Light, the first game's representative in the Dissidia fighting game spin-offs. He's supposedly based on series artist and hardcore bead fan Yoshitaka Amano's original artwork for the knight class, so he'll do in a pinch. The most immediately arresting feature of the Warrior's outfit is his massive horns - combined with his metal armour, they make it impossible for him to go out in a thunderstorm. Why are they so long? Is this like the Secret Boots from Symphony of the Night and he's insecure about his height? Does he desperately want to ride a rollercoaster but didn't quite reach the "you must be this high to ride" limit? Maybe he lost a fight after being headbutted once and he's determined it'll never happen again.
Horns aside, there are some other nice details here on what is overall a pretty neat design. He's using an ammonite as a clasp for his cape, he's wearing the most vestigial loincloth I've ever seen and best of all there appears to be a sharp-toothed monster face on his belt, as though at some point he won the Heavyweight Championship of Halloweenland.

Firion - Final Fantasy II

Ignore the fact that Firion is carrying more garishly-coloured fantasy weapons than a duffelbag at a LARPing event, that's really just a Dissidia thing. However, the later remakes of Final Fantasy II also depict Firion in this style, so that must be how Squaresoft always wanted him to look - and it's not a bad look, either. The bandanna / turban headwear and lighter armour give Firion a somewhat exotic look, and the single shoulder spike will come in handy for both deflecting enemy attacks and hanging his shopping bags on when both his hands are full. The negatives of this ensemble? Well, his cape looks more like a security blanket than, you know, a cape and his trousers appear uncomfortably tight around the crotchular region, but aside from that, yeah, I like Firion's look.

Onion Knight - Final Fantasy III

FFIII went back to using interchangeable job-having puppets as its cast members, but the Dissidia version of the Onion Knight is mostly consistent with the original Famicom sprite only a hell of a lot more... ploofy. Voluminous pantaloons, orange thigh-scarves and a feather duster sticking out of his hat give the Onion Knight a certain chicken-like quality. Mmm, chicken and onions. The most puzzling thing about this outfit is the string of fairy lights sticking out of each shoulder pad. I think their purpose is to illuminate and draw attention to the Onion Knight's biceps. He's surprisingly ripped for a kid.

Luneth - Final Fantasy III DS

When FFIII was remade for the Nintendo DS, the generic Onion Knights were replaced with actual characters, with names and different models and everything. The main character became Luneth, who you see here. Luneth does not understand how belts work. This is an accusation that can be levelled at great many of the Final Fantasy characters designed by artist Tetsuya Nomura. I don't believe Luneth was designed by Nomura himself, but whoever did come up with the idea of someone wearing three enormous belts as a breastplate must surely have been inspired by Nomura. I didn't play much of FFIII DS, but if there isn't a scene where Luneth begins an action sequence by shouting "okay, everyone buckle up!" then, well, what's the point of playing the bloody game? The belt-armour's most important design function, however, is to distract you from noticing that Luneth is also wearing a hoodie over one of his mum's chunky turtleneck sweaters.

Cecil - Final Fantasy IV

Cecil: now there's a name you don't see much these days. Has any other name fallen off a metaphorical cliff in terms of popularity as much as Cecil has? Well, Adolf, I guess. Anyway, full credit goes to Cecil for being the last main character in a Final Fantasy game to have the common sense to wear proper armour. He might struggle if the monsters attack his arms, but other than that he's fairly well protected. That said, he must have had a few embarrassing moments when he tried to run through a narrow doorway and was stopped by his shoulder-spikes. All in all, though, a good set of classic fantasy armour that's made extra stylish by Cecil's choice of complimentary lipstick.

Bartz - Final Fantasy V

Another image taken from the Dissidia games, this alternate costume for Bartz - who'll always be known as Butz in my heart - is a recreation of his FFV sprite. Bartz Classic, if you will, and it's a good look for a young wandering adventurer. It's got something of a "squire" feeling to it, the look of someone who's not quite ready to be a fully-fledged knight, although I'm not sure green wellington boots are particularly heroic. Comfortable for trudging across the overworld, I imagine, but also leaving the vague impression that you grew up in the home counties and spent a lot of time around horses. I love Final Fantasy V and I'm very fond of Bartz, who's a simple, well-meaning, non-conflicted RPG hero. That's probably why he can get away with having a popped collar without seeming like a complete arse.

I can't mention Bartz's outfit without bringing up this completely fabulous alternate costume from Dissidia. Bartz doesn''t need armour, he's got dazzle camouflage and combat leggings.

Terra - Final Fantasy VI

It's often said that FFVI doesn't really have a main character and the game was designed as an ensemble piece, but Terra's on the game's logo and she's always chosen as FFVI's representative in spin-offs and crossovers so she fits the bill better than most. Terra doesn't really have a settled design, either: her hair colour changes regularly and her original sprite had shoulderpads that seem to have been done away with these days, but this is basically her look: floaty and magical, feminine without being sexualised and with shoes that you'd have to put on very carefully unless you wanted to lose a couple of fingers. Terra's outfit is an inversion of most of the ones we've seen thus far in that the arms are covered but her shoulders are woefully lacking protection, but as she was intended for a life of servitude spent riding around in a mechanical death machine her lack of armour makes a little more sense. I think her tights would benefit from a different pattern, mind you, because these ones look like she was eating taramasalata too fast. Still, Terra has one of my favourite outfits in the series and it definitely looks like the wearer might transform into a flying god-monster every now and then. She must buy her clothes at the same store as Bruce Banner.

Cloud - Final Fantasy VII

Ah, Cloud Strife. One of the most iconic characters in gaming, a fan-favourite who helped define the PS1 era. Not bad for someone wearing binbags as trousers. SOLDIER wages are not competitive, it seems. How do you even manage to make your trousers so pointy, Cloud? Do you spend hours ironing in each crease? No, you can't do. That wouldn't leave enough time for hair sculpting. The trousers do a good job of hiding just how weirdly long Cloud's legs are, though, obscuring the fact that his waist is practically under his chin.
Trousers aside, two things about Cloud's outfit draw my attention. The first is that he's wearing surprisingly normal boots. They've got slightly unusual fold-over tops, but aside from that they're common-or-garden work books. I own a pair of boots not dissimilar to Cloud's myself, and I get it, they're very comfortable. The other thing is his weird belt, stolen from a Victorian strongman and with attached suspenders for... what? Holding up the belt? What is it with Final Fantasy games and belts? Actually, now that I think about it the belt and suspenders are probably designed so that Cloud can hang the Buster Sword on his back. You might think doing so would lead to a moment of agony as your vertebrae explode followed by a lifetime in a wheelchair, but here's the theory I subscribe to: the planet of FFVII has much lower gravity than Earth. That's why everyone can jump ridiculously high and Cloud can lift his sword.

Squall - Final Fantasy VIII

It's a "James Dean falls into a vat of liquid anime" look for the hero of FFVIII, and this is almost something you could see a real person wearing. It's basically just a white t-shirt, leather jacket and black trousers, after all, although they do seem to be leather trousers. Swap the leather for jeans and hey, that's almost normal! Oh, right, the belts. There's always something going on with the belts. The crossed belts do make sense when you think Squall's kind of a gunslinger, and FFVIII's intro does show that the Gunblades require ammunition even if you're stabbing the bullets into people rather than shooting them. I'm not sure how those belts aren't falling down Squall's legs, though. Let's say it's magnets. Less readily explained are the belts wrapped around his right leg. Are they spares, in case his other belts fail? Does he hand them out to those without belts, bringing joy to the loose-trousered people of the world? If only FFVIII had received as many sequels as Final Fantasy VII, we might have had a glimpse into Squall's future as the owner, proprietor and best customer of Squall's Belt Shack, the Cheapest Belts in Balamb.

Zidane - Final Fantasy IX

If that's what the cuffs look like, we should all give thanks that Zidane got rid of the rest of the shirt. However, seeing someone wearing cuffs that aren't attached to any sleeves always makes me think of male strippers, so thanks for that, Square. I'm sure there are other things that can be said about Zidane's outfit, but I cannot get past those cuffs. I feel like he should be able to glide short distances using those bloody things. I can just imagine Zidane walking into a jewellers and saying "I need the biggest cufflinks you have. No, bigger. Bigger."
Okay, cuffs aside Zidane has has a very nice doily around his neck and boots that would fill with water every time it rained. He's so close to figuring out how belts work, though! He just needs to buy a shorter one. Or steal one, because he's a thief. An unappealing little goblinoid thief with the disturbing face of a porcelain doll and hair like a bad David Bowie wig.

Tidus - Final Fantasy X

Good god, and I thought Zidane's design was bad. At least I could kind of see what they were going for with Zidane, but Tidus' outfit is just completely insane. I once described this costume as "the result of running a toddler's wardrobe through a woodchipper and then randomly sewing the pieces back together," and I'm not sure I can come up with a better description than that. I'm going to try, though. He's the ghost of a surfer who died in a terrible accident at a fabric recycling centre. The host of a kid's TV show from a universe where mankind was enslaved by a race of alien clowns. A jigsaw puzzle of garbage dump that's been assembled wrong. He looks, to be blunt, like a complete idiot. He's wearing what appear to be rubber socks, for pity's sake. And again, surprisingly normal boots. Which he swims in. Underwater. Yes, these are Tidus' underwater swimming clothes, because nothing says deep-sea exploration like dungarees. It may sound hypocritical of me to complain about this after I said Noctis' design was boring, but it's possible to go too far in the other direction, you know?

Vaan - Final Fantasy XII

As a child, Vaan was once kicked in the shin. Vowing to never suffer through such pain again, he built a custom set of impenetrable leg armour. Unfortunately, this meant he had no money left to buy any other clothes, and so he had to settle for a vest he made from the leftover scraps of metal. All I can think of is how unpleasant a steel vest would feel as it rubbed against your nipples. Or maybe Vaan is into that kind of thing. If he is, I wish they'd mentioned it in FFXII, anything that gave Vaan even the smallest amount of personality would have been a welcome addition.
They say wearing socks with sandals is a fashion faux-pas, but I'm not sure if that rule still holds when your socks are leather. On the other hand (ha ha,) Vaan has swerved the stigma of wearing fingerless gloves by donning gloves that are only fingers. I should point out that Vaan lives in a desert city, just in case you had any lingering doubts as to the practicality of his outfit. Business on the bottom, party on the top, that's Vaan, and if this image is anything to go by it's a sexy party.

Lightning - Final Fantasy XIII

The shoulderpad makes its triumphant return in FFXIII! It's something of a runty, vestigial shoulderpad with no elaborate horn sticking out of it but hey, it's nice to see it back. Lightning is often accused of being nothing more than a female version of Cloud, but I don't think that's fair. True, they both favour the single shoulder-pad and the sleeveless turtleneck, but were Cloud's boot plagued by a swarm of small belts? I think not. I don't mind Lightning's shoe-belts so much, even if they are utterly useless, because she's on of the few FF character to wear a regular, standard belt around her waist in the appropriate manner. Lightning also brings back the cape, something that has been sorely lacking from FF heroes in recent years. Overall, though, I'd say Lightning's design is a little bland and no amount of superfluous belts is going to change that. Unless they wrapped her entirely in belts like some kind of leather mummy. That would definitely not be bland. It'd make the combat a lot more interesting, for starters.

So, in conclusion I think my favourite is Terra and the worst is Tidus by a significant margin, and although I've given some of them a hard time I do like the majority of these character designs. The pre-Final Fantasy IX ones, anyway. They're striking, fun and unique and even after all these years a tiny part of me still wishes I could get away with dressing like Squall. Don't worry, I know I can't and I won't try it. Not again.

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FINAL FANTASY VII ENEMIES

Hey VGJunk, haven't you written about Final Fantasy enemies before? Why, yes I have. So isn't this sort of a lazy cop-out article? Perhaps, but sometimes a lazy cop-out is all the heart desires and the mind can cope with. Why are you talking to yourself? I don't know, maybe I'm losing my mind. Anyway, here are some of the many enemies faced by Cloud and Co. (a better name than AVALANCHE, if you ask me) during the vast adventure that is Final Fantasy VII, enemies weird enough, interesting enough or treated poorly enough by bad translation to catch my attention. One thing they all have in common is that looking at them makes me think of the phrase "Gourad shading" because the games magazines of the time used it incessantly, and after looking it up just now I finally understand what it is. Well, it's important to keep up with the latest technological developments, isn't it?

Razorweed

Razorweed, bane of all green-fingered inhabitants of Final Fantasy VII's world: spreads like crazy, naturally resistant to weedkillers, produces a constant stream of self-pitying whining when pulled from the ground. Look at it's dumb little face, there's no way that face isn't always saying things like "oh right, I guess I'm just not pretty enough for your ornamental rock garden." Evil grass might not seem like an especially terrifying foe, but I suffer from fairly bad hayfever (I know, what a shocker) so hacking away at grass with a sword would inflict the debilitating status effect of itchy eyes and a runny nose. Did you know some characters in Valkyria Chronicles actually do suffer from hayfever when in woodland areas? Valkyria Chronicles is pretty great, you should play it.

Rilfsak

Unthreatening as it was, at least Razorweed looks like it could run away or something. Not so in Rilfsak's case, an enemy so pathetic that the only possible response to it is sympathy. Random battles represent lurking monsters attacking the party, right? So what in the hell was Rilfsak hoping to accomplish by leaping out at the heroes of FFVII? The removal of its other eye? Rilfsak's only notable combat skill is that its evasion stat is quite high, making it difficult to hit. I suspect this actually represents the characters feeling so sorry for it that they can't bring themselves to deal the fatal blow. "Oh, no," says Tifa as she swings her fist well away from Rilfsak, "this foe is so nimble even my mighty martial arts cannot penetrate its defences." Sadly the Rilfsak is too dense to take the hint and is eventually killed when someone casts Fire on it.

Harpy

Okay, that's not a Harpy. Harpies are part-bird, part-women. This is a chimera. You can tell because it's part lion, part goat and part snake. This one has sprouted wings and a face on the right that might be from a Godzilla of some kind, but if anything that just makes it more of a chimera. Most conclusive of all is the fact that in the Japanese version of the game it's called Chimera. I know translation can be a tricky business but this shows a lack of care and attention - as well as a lack of knowledge about Greek mythology - that is very difficult to explain, especially when there's a palette-swapped version of it later in the game called Maximum Kimaira.

Well, they were getting closer. Maybe if there'd been another three or four chimeras in FFVII they'd have gotten there in the end.
As for the Harpy itself, I get the feeling that the lion is the one who does all the work in this team. The goat has horns where its eyes should be, which must limit its combat effectiveness, and the lizard head looks like too much of a good-time party animal to really focus on the task at hand. No, it's up to the lion, the sensible, dependable lion, to hold this rag-tag group together even though he can;' close his mouth because of his improbably large tusks. I also like to imagine that when it's the goat's turn to choose where they go for dinner and it picks somewhere vegitarian all the other heads boo it.

Vargid Police

"Freeze! This is the Vargid Police, you are under arrest! Put all your hands in the air and come out slowly!" Then Vargid Police slides over the hood of his police car, an action aided by the layer of slime I assume he's coated in, while his straight-laced, by-the-book partner shouts "Dammit, Vargid Police! We're supposed to wait for backup!" Then Vargid Police is killed by a passing group of adventurers. He was one day away from retirement.
I was looking at Vargid Police for a while before I realised what it reminds me of - sushi ginger. I don't know what that says about the sushi restaurants I've been to.

Gighee

Now, a horse wearing a waistcoat with a guitar sticking out of it's arse. A natural creature that roams the lands or a twisted Shinra experiment to find out what happens if you ram a Stratocaster up a horse? I have no idea, but if it's the latter then the answer is "it develops a rather flamboyant sense of personal style."
Not content with being a magic pink horse, Gighee is also a four-legged David Bowie reference, it seems: it's Japanese name, Jigii, is also the Japanese spelling of Ziggy, as in Ziggy Stardust. Add that to the blonde hair and the guitar and I think you've got a pretty good case for saying that yep, this is a David Bowie reference, even if that isn't how the Thin White Duke usually transports his guitars. So, if you're the kind of person who has ideas about what David Bowie would look like as a pony - and a quick Google search tells me there are plenty of you out there - then I'm sorry but FFVII beat you to it by fifteen years or so.

Christopher

In battle, Gighee is always accompanied by Christopher. I just like that there's an enemy called "Christopher," is all. Gives him that common touch, you know? Most of you probably know a Christopher, and even if they aren't a prancing elf-child with a Beavis haircut and purple chaps there's still that pleasing connection to normality.

Bad Rap Sample

Still on the theme of names, I mention this one to restate an observation I made a while ago, and that was that "Bad Rap Sample" is the perfect name for an insufferable indie band. Of course, these enemies are only called Bad Rap Sample when they're summoned as helpers by Dr. Hojo, Shinra's evil head scientist who's doctorate is apparently in Impregnating Things With Other, Genetically Unrelated Things. Most of the times you fight them, they're just called "Bad Rap," the name changed from "Vanilla Ice" at the behest of Sony's legal team.

Bizarre Bug

What did this bug do to deserve the epithet "bizarre"? Okay, so it's about six feet long but in the world of Final Fantasy VII that's hardly a reason for it to be considered notably unusual. Nobody calls the Buster Sword "bizarre." Or maybe the Bizarre Bug's simple insectoid body plan is the reason it's bizarre, and people consider it shocking in its mundanity.
"Cloud, we're under attack!"
"What is it? Shinra troops? An ancient living Weapon? Sephiroth himself?"
"No, it's just a cockroach or something. I mean, it's pretty big, but still."
"Weird. Oh well, more EXP for us."

Castanets

There's a crab enemy called Castanets, and that is adorable. The crab isn't adorable - not even a mother crab could love that face, assuming this species is capable of any emotion beyond relentless, seething hate - but the name is wonderfully evocative of the sound its giant bladed claws make as they clack together. There must be an in-universe story behind the naming of these crabs, perhaps some ancient warrior musing "hark, I hear the ryhthmic sound of Spanish castanets coming from this oh god it's snipped off my legggs!"
As for the puzzle of how the inhabitants of FFVII's planet know about Spanish folk instruments, well, it might be more likely than you think, as we shall see shortly.

Eagle Gun

On the list of Very American Things, an eagle made out of guns falls somwhere between Mount Rushmore and ill-informed opinions about football. But how can it be "American" when it's from a distant fantasy world? Well, this distant fantasy world also knows about Texas, if this sign above Tifa's bar is anything to go by.

It makes sense to me - the Eagle Gun is the state bird of Texas, isn't it? Wait, what do you mean it's actually Mimus polyglottos, the Northern Mockingbird? In learning that fact, I discovered that Texas also has a state soil. Local pride is great and all but singling out a particular kind of mud for praise seems a bit much. On the other hand they also have a state dinosaur, and that I can fully endorse.

Devil Ride

"My arms are so tired. So tired..."

Gremlin

That's a very gremlin-y Gremlin, with an expression of cheerful malevolence that lies at the heart of all gremlins. That said, I would have called it a Hobgoblin...

...because it looks like the titular creature from the infamous 1988 B-movie Hobgoblins. If you're familiar with Hobgoblins (the movie, not the folkloric creature) then it's probably through the Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode in which it featured, and if you haven't seen that episode of MST3K then I suggest you check it out. If nothing else, you can have fun imagining what would have happened had the hobgoblins used their power to make real the deepest fantasies of each member of AVALANCHE. Given that Cloud is made of fake memories, liquid souls and alien DNA I'd hazard a guess that his fantasies would be utterly insane.

Touch Me

Touch Me? I will not, you weird little creep frog.

Cokatolis

Someone at Squaresoft really went off-piste with these mythological creatures, huh? Cokatolis is clearly supposed to be a cocatrice, but the cocatrice of legend is mostly dragon with a rooster's head, which presumably makes it the king of the roosters but a laughing stock amongst dragons. FFVII's Cokatolis is a chicken with the head of a chicken. It's just, you know, a chicken. There are already Chocobos in this world, Cokatolis. We don't need any more giant chickens, especially not ones that can turn people to stone by breathing on them.

Headbomber

There is absolutely nothing not to love about an extremely angry yellow penguin with cacti for flippers and a punk hairdo. How do I know Headbomber is angry? Because the writing on his chest is the Japanese kanji for "anger." You don't paint "anger" on your belly unless you're fairly cranky. What is Headbomber angry about? Judging by its haircut, I'd guess "its parents."

Brain Pod

Brain Pod is a little teapot, short and stout. There's its handle, and there's its spout.

And there's the human head it keeps inside. Final Fantasy VII is a game that lets you fight a mechanical teapot with Bob Hoskins' head inside, so it's little wonder that it's regarded as one of the all-time classics.

Sculpture

All I can think of when I look at Sculpture is the shrieking headlines of a Daily Mail-esque tabloid complaining about the state of modern art. SCULPTURE? MORE LIKE NO SKILL-PTURE, that sort of thing, the letters page flooded with people writing in and saying "as someone who once looked at a painting of flowers once, why aren't there more paintings of flowers? Instead the liberal elite force the garbage that passes for art these days on us. First an unmade bed and now a paving slab, it's Broken Britain, I blame the immigrants, bring back National Service." Well, I say good on you, Sculpture. You've overcome the handicap of being nothing but a lump of rock, escaped a dismal life as part of a patio or outdoor staircase and made something of yourself. You're an inspiration to us all.

Manhole

It's a good job this enemy is called Manhole, otherwise I might have thought Satan had taken a job as a waiter. Satan Waiter wouldn't spit in your food, he'd subtly convince someone else to do it. Also, what do you think: is that his nose, his chin or some kind of beak? I think it's a beak. A beaky Beelzebub who lives in the sewers, moving between three manhole covers in a kind of living three-card Monte routine. It's little wonder that I spent most of my childhood wishing that when I grew up it would be my job to design monsters for videogames.

Hungry

Hungry.
Hungry.
HUNGRY. HUNGRYHUNGRYHUNGRYHUNGRYHUNGRYHUNGRYHHUNGRYHUNGEYGHUHNGREY H  Uu  nn.. GggRryyHHHHHHH

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