Showing posts with label barbie. Show all posts
Showing posts with label barbie. Show all posts

20/06/2017

BARBIE AND THE MAGIC OF PEGASUS (GAME BOY ADVANCE)

After playing Golden Axe last time out, I’ve been left with a desire for more magic, mystery and rideable fantasy creatures. Videogames offer plenty of options when it comes to the genre, but which one shall I play? The reassuringly familiar JRPG action of a Final Fantasy? The epic scope of your Skyrims and Oblivions and such? Well, no. I don’t have time for that, for one thing. Instead I’ve turned to one Barbara Millicent Roberts – that’s Barbie to you and me – with the 2005 Game Boy Advance wand-em-up Barbie and the Magic of Pegasus! 


This being a Barbie game doesn’t exactly bode well. The last Barbie game I covered was the execrable Barbie: Fashion Pack Games, which contained neither games nor fashion but was definitely a pack of something. However, this particular Barbie adventure was developed by WayForward, who are best known for the well-liked Shantae games and Duck Tales Remastered, so I’d be very surprised if this was anywhere near as bad as dreck like Barbie: Fashion Pack Games.


After starting the game and selecting my difficulty – I went with “normal,” because even I have too much pride to play a Barbie game on “easy” - the action begins with the shocking revelation that you don’t actually play as Barbie in this game. Instead, you’re in control of one Princess Annika, and it’s her birthday. Why, her friends and family are even throwing her a surprise party! I must admit, if someone threw me a party and invited a polar bear I’d definitely be surprised. Don’t worry, the bear isn’t dangerous, and it’s very much a Disney-movie-style animal friend. “Disney-style” is right, too: Barbie and the Magic of Pegasus desperately wants to be a Disney product, and it’s full of princesses in ball gowns and animal sidekicks, but of course it’s not the genuine Disney article and as such BatMoP (and the CGI movie of the same name that this game is based on) has the feel of a pound-shop knock-off.


Suddenly, tragedy strikes – everyone at the party (apart from Annika) is turned to stone! Fair enough, that’s the kind of thing you’d expect to happen at a fairytale party that’s been crashed by an evil wizard. The wizard’s name is Wenlock, and while he is evil, he’s also horny. He wants Annika to marry him and has eliminated all the competition to make this happen, but Annika’s having none of it. Instead, she resolves to find the Wand of Light, a sacred magical relic that can undo Wenlock’s foul sorcery and save the kingdom’s inhabitants from an eternity of being shat on by pigeons. Thus begins Annika’s mighty quest to retrieve the wand, and what a legendary adventure it promises to be! We can only imagine the far-flung places and perilous locales our plucky young heroine must traverse. Will she travel the briny depths of a bottle-green ocean? Must she scale the crystal spires of the distant, soaring mountains? Maybe she’ll oh wait, she’s found the wand.


Turns out it was in the same room as the party. That’s rather a stroke of luck, isn’t it? I’ll be honest, I was expecting a slightly more involved quest than that but I guess we’re done here. Annika saves the day, and I’ll see you next time.


No, of course not. Getting the wand was just the beginning, now Annika has to walk up to each statue one at a time and bop ‘em with the wand, reverting them to their usual fleshy selves. You can see this happening above. Pay particular attention to the lady on the right. When I first set her free, I misread her wide, slack-jawed mouth as a black moustache, which when coupled with her green cap and denim-blue dress momentarily made me think I’d rescued Luigi from the wizard’s spell.


Having seen that Annika has almost immediately foiled his plan, the wizard Wenlock makes a personal appearance. He’s still intent on getting Annika to marry him. I think that boat has sailed, buster. You probably should have gone with a “romantic trip to Paris” style of proposal rather than “condemn my fiancĂ©e’s loved ones to an agonising fate worse than death.” Also, calling her “dollface” probably didn’t help, although as Annika is a kind of Barbie I suppose it’s technically accurate.
Wenlock reveals that he’s turned everyone in the kingdom to stone, so it’s up to Annika to travel the land, dishing out individual wand-bashings. Oh, and Wenlock turns Annika’s sister Brietta into a pegasus. Erm, thanks, I guess? Even the characters comment that this is very helpful because now Annika’s got a magical steed to travel around on. I’m not sure what Wenlock’s end-game was with the whole pegasus thing.


Now the game proper can begin, and Annika finds herself in the Cloud Palace with a simple mission – find all the petrified people and restore their human forms. To accomplish this, she must perform a bunch of very simple platforming, jumping between the different areas of the (very lightly) maze-like castle and using her wand to set people free and destroying stone blocks that obstruct her path. By combining up or down on the d-pad with attack, you can swing the wand in a low sweep or an uppercut, which is handy for reaching awkwardly-placed blocks.


There are a few enemies knocking about, too. They can also be dispatched with a solid wand-whacking. Presumably they’re the minions of Wenlock, although they don’t seem much concerned about stopping Annika. Mostly they’re just there, and when you take damage from them ninety percent of the time it’ll be because you couldn’t see them before you jumped onto the screen. On the plus side, and admittedly this is the most tenuous of connections, fighting ravens in a castle hallway filled with diagonal staircases and floating platforms gives BatMoP a very slight tinge of the Castlevanias.


There’s not much else to say about the gameplay – hop, wander around, half-heartedly bat aside critters with your wand – until you reach the end of the Cloud Palace’s first stage (of three). There you find a new power for your wand: the “twirl” power, which works as a high-jump with the wand dragging Annika behind it as it soars into the sky. You switch between the two functions of the wand by pressing the R button, and spoilers – this will cause problems later on. For now, though, the twirl power is a welcome addition that provides some variety to the slow-paced platforming.


This being a giant castle, naturally there are secret rooms. If you can find both the key – one of the petrified people always has it – and the door, you can enter the secret room and play a very short block-clearing challenge to unlock a new costume for Annika. So, it’s a secret closet, then? It’s a nice enough addition I suppose, and it’d be weird to have a Barbie game that didn’t involve dressing up at some point. Go on, then, let’s have a look at Annika’s new clothes.


Well, they’re definitely very Barbie.
As I mentioned, there are three stages in each “world,” and while the Cloud Palace does become slightly more complex as you progress it obviously never gets too ambitious. Of course it doesn’t, this is a game designed for young children, and about the most complex part of the Cloud Palace are the moving platforms that travel along clearly-defined pathways. Still, what’s there isn’t bad. Annika controls well, with consistent jumping and sharp hitboxes, and while the stages are somewhat maze-like to facilitate the “hunt for statue people” gameplay they’re never too frustrating in their layouts and you get a counter at the bottom-left that tells you how many people are left to find.


At the end of the Cloud Palace, Wenlock shows up for a boss battle. This really isn’t helping on your quest for matrimony, man. Can’t you just live the life of a regular evil wizard, sitting alone in your mountaintop castle, spending vast sums of money on elaborate candle set-up and binding books in human skin, rather than making me participate in a frankly rather dull boss battle? To win, you use the twirl power to climb on top of the chandelier, which then falls down, hopefully on Wenlock’s head. Do this three times and you’ve won. Wenlock survives, despite having a huge chandelier dropped on his head three times. I suppose I’d better chase after him, then.


These between-worlds flying stages are where you really see the benefit of being on good terms with a pegasus. Sure, you have to overcome the awkwardness of, ahem, mounting your sister, but once you do you can fly around by tapping the jump button to gain altitude, bouncing on top of clouds to reveal the coins they’re hiding. Collect ten coins and win a special prize, namely an extra heart for your life meter and a still from the movie that’s so heavily compressed it might as well be composed of Stickle Bricks.
There’s a flying stage between each of the worlds, all with the goal of collecting ten coins, sometimes by flying through rings or just flying into floating, unobscured coins. It’s a decent change of pace, I suppose, and the developers had to get the pegasus involved in the game somehow.


It’s on to the snowy village for the next world, and already BatMoP has settled into a fixed routine. Find all the villagers in the three stages of each world, collect a new power for the wand and a new costume, beat the boss and ride your sister to the next world.


In this case, the new wand power is a variation on the twirl that carries Annika a longer distance horizontally rather than vertically, and the new costume is the same as the last costume, only green. Turquoise, maybe. Personally, I was hoping for a scarf and mittens. Something seasonally appropriate, you know.
The snowy village is a much more open and expansive place than the Cloud Palace, but fortunately the developers didn’t go too mad when they were hiding the villagers. Normally I’m really not fond of games where you have to collect every single example of something, especially when there’s no indication of where those items might be,  but as long as you remember to look on top of houses you shouldn’t have much trouble finding everyone. It definitely feels like WayForward found a decent balance for younger players, with the statues placed in locations that require some exploration but which are unlikely to become frustrating (partly because the stages aren’t all that big).


The boss battle is against Wenlock’s griffon, which I had trouble getting a decent screenshot of because it spends most of the fight flying around off the top of the screen. The trick here is that you have to bait the griffon into slamming beak-first into the wooden bridges along the path, a la the final fight in Super Mario Bros. 3, and it’s not difficult when you can twirl horizontally to get out of the way. BatMoP makes damn sure that you’re going to do the boss fights correctly – not only does it tell you exactly what you need to do in order to win, but it even removes superfluous wand powers so you don’t waste time, I dunno, twirling upwards when you should be going sideways.


Next up is the Forbidden Forest – although sadly not the fascinatingly bizarre Commodore 64 game of the same name – and Annika’s wand now has the power to turn animals into “plants.” “Plants” is a very loose description for this wand power, and while some enemies like the dangling spiders are transformed into flowers, take a look at the platform Annika is riding. That used to be a small griffon, but our heroine has transmogrified it into a flying log. The log still has a griffon’s face, which raises some disturbing questions about how much sentience remains in the newly-timbered creature.


The main use of Annika’s new flower power is curing goblinism. Some of the people have been turned into goblins, like the one over on the right. He kinda reminds me of the shopkeepers from the excellent SNES adventure Demon’s Crest, but I digress. You’ve got to hit them with the flower wand, which somehow doesn’t turn them into a plant, but rather back into statue that can then be destroyed. It might seem like an unnecessarily complicated extra step in Wenlock’s plan for him to turn these statues into Shrek’s distant relatives, but I’m glad he did – the goblins make grunting noises, so they’re much easier to track down than the other statues.


What else is new in the forest world? Well, there are a lot of tall trees to climb using mushroom platforms, and the flower wand can transform certain plants into springboards for rapid ascents. Unfortunately, they are some of the worst, jankiest springboards I have ever had the displeasure of interacting with in a videogame. When you stand on one, Annika is fired into the air in such a juddering, awkward manner that they feel more like teleporters with severe mechanical defects than springboards, with the “camera” struggling to keep up as Annika moves from one point to another, higher point with no animation or movement in between. They genuinely feel broken, as though someone completely forgot to test them during the game’s QA phase, and it’s especially weird because the rest of the game is technically very competent.
Aside from those things and the new goblin-fixing portions of the gameplay, there are a few new creatures out for your blood. Spiders, mostly. I must admit, it feels a bit strange to be playing as a character that for all intents and purposes is a Disney princess who travels through the forest battering woodland creatures with a stick.


The boss of the woods is Ollie the Giant, and he lives up to his name. By being a giant, I mean, it’s not like he’s kicking out rad skateboard tricks. Ollie’s got a big ol’ sprite, and I’ll say this for Barbie and the Magic of Pegasus – it looks good. Nice sprites that are really well animated and backgrounds that aren’t quite as good but certainly aren’t bad and do their job well without being cluttered and confusing. WayForward definitely went the extra mile on the graphics. I’m getting a bit of a She-Ra vibe from it, which is fine by me. I used to love She-Ra as a kid, which is not something you could really admit as a young male child in the late eighties. But it was basically more He-Man (which I was obsessed with) and it had Hordak in it, so I was bound to love it.
Oh, right, the boss battle. Mini-griffons fly in, you use the flower power to turn them into logs, the giant trips over the logs and hurts himself. I felt kinda bad for the big dope, honestly. He’s just out there in the woods, living his life, until some princess turns out and starts giving him stubbed toes for no adequately explained reason.


The final world takes place in some ice caverns, and fortuitously there’s a power-up for the wand in here that allows Annika to melt ice blocks. Guess what you’re going to be spending most of the stage doing? That’s right, sliding around on slippery floors. Okay, they’re not too bad, because you can use the horizontal twirl to float over most of them.


We’re nearly at the end of the game now, and you know what? On the whole Barbie and the Magic of Pegasus isn’t bad at all. It’s solidly built for the most part, it tries its best to include new features with each stage and I’d say that as a game for young kids it pitches itself at just the right level of complexity. It never gets difficult, per se, but there are some sections that the little ‘uns will have to think about in order to clear, and it never feels patronising or lazily slapped together as so many kid’s games do. There was definitely a fair amount of effort expended on this game, and while you and I are unlikely to be captivated by it I don’t think very small children would have felt cheated had they spent their precious pocket money on it.


It still has its problems, though. There are a few too many blind drops for my liking – in the screenshot above there’s a pool of health-draining water just below the bottom of the screen, and there’s no way to pan the camera down. There were several times when I had to guess that I should be using the horizontal twirl power rather than just jumping, and as I said earlier most of the damage I took from monsters was because I couldn’t see the bloody things before jumping off a platform.
However, the one issue with BatMoP that really set my teeth on edge was cycling through your wand powers. It’s fine early in the game when you only have two or three, but when you’re in the last stage and you have to press R five times to reach the fire power, melt a few ice cubes, switch to the regular wand to free a statue and then cycle back around to the fire power seconds later, it gets frustrating. Any time a monster that I could see damaged me, it was because I had the wrong wand power selected and I couldn’t switch back fast enough – an issue aggravated by the inconsistency of the wand’s powers. The twirling powers will destroy regular blocks but can’t harm enemies, and for some reason the flame wand doesn’t damage enemies either. It’s a real pain in the arse, and what makes it worse is that this situation could have been hugely mitigated simply by having the unused L button let you cycle backwards through your powers. Isn’t this really just an annoying but relatively minor foible? Yes, absolutely. Did it make me emit a near-constant groaning sound during the final stages? Also yes.


There’s a one-off stage right at the end where Annika is chased by a rolling snowball and has to melt the ice barriers that block her path before she’s squashed. It’s pleasant enough, although it’s really only notable for Wenlock turning up just before Annika drops into the icy chute and making a terrible “she’s falling for me” pun.


At last, it’s the final encounter with Wenlock. It’s an odd one, because Annika has already totally foiled Wenlock’s evil schemes. All the people have been freed from the statue curse and it was mentioned right at the start of the game that Annika could easily change her sister from a pegasus back into a human but she didn’t because having a winged horse was super useful. I can’t imagine she’s about to straight-up murder Wenlock, though, so this fight must just be about teaching him a lesson.
It’s a two-part fight. The first part is the same as the chandelier-dropping battle from the first stage, except now there are two chandeliers.


The second half is a three-card monte deal, where Wenlock makes three statue clones of himself and you have to keep an eye on where the real Wenlock is before bashing him with your wand. If you can manage to do that three times – and trust me, you really can, I believe in you – then the game is over and Annika can get back to her opulent lifestyle of leisure and carefree whimsy.


Wenlock finally gets the hint that Annika doesn’t want to marry him. I imagine he’s off to post a lengthy rant on some internet forum about how females don’t appreciate nice guys.


Barbie and the Magic of Pegasus ends as it began: with Annika celebrating her birthday. After she’s turned her sister back into a human, of course. Everyone wants to be the centre of attention at their own birthday party but that ain’t gonna happen if one of the guests is a flying horse.


Well, that was something of a relief, huh? A Barbie game that not only wasn’t terrible on a gameplay level but managed to avoid feeling like a rushed, cynical hack-job. It’s far from perfect, but I think many young Barbie fans would enjoy it without feeling like they’re being patronised, and the graphics are rather nice. Speaking of the graphics, I noticed one Paul Robertson credited for “Character Animation” - that would be the same Paul Robertson who’s a pixel artist famous for his work on (amongst other things) the Scott Pilgrim game, Mercenary Kings and his complex, bonkers promos for Adult Swim. No wonder the game looks nice.
I’m not sure why they called it “the Magic of Pegasus”, mind you. It was Wenlock and Annika who did all the magic. Maybe if the pegasus had a routine where it caught a bullet in its teeth, I could accept that title. I’d have given the game an extra gold star, that’s for sure.

08/07/2015

BARBIE: FASHION PACK GAMES (GAME BOY COLOR)

Last time out, I wrote about a game called Heavy Smash, and it was pretty good. Maybe a little too good: that banner up there says "VGJunk" and not "VGPrettyGood," after all. So, in the interests of balance I decided to play something that's definitely not pretty, good or pretty good. If you're after a terrible videogame experience there are plenty of places you can turn - arcade fighting games mangled into single-button home computer ports, bible games, anything with the letters "LJN" attached to it - but for the most truly wretched games, there's the world of licensed Game Boy Color shovelware. I refer you to Diva Starz, The Mask of Zorro and the legendarily abysmal *NSYNC: Get to the Show, and today I managed to find another GBC game that matches that amazing level of ineptitude. It's Hyperspace Cowgirls' 2000 vanity-em-up Barbie: Fashion Pack Games!


It's rather telling that "games" is by far the smallest word of the three shown here. That said, having seen what passes for fashion in Barbie: Fashion Pack Game I would not have been confident enough to feature the word "Fashion" so prominently, either. "Pack" is fine, though. This is definitely a pack of something.


I'm smashing through the gender divide with this one, folks. "Software for Girls," it says, but don't forget that Barbie: Fashion Pack Games is from a strange and mysterious country whose language is almost identical to English, but their word "girls" equates to our "brain-damaged earthworms."


Before you get into the fun - the brain-addling, spirit-crushing fun - you have to choose a friend from this ethnically diverse group of human-giraffe hybrids. Races accounted for: white, "Asian," black, carrot. I'll be using Barbie, because her name is on the game, but if you're interested the other young women are called Kira, Christie and Teresa. They're all wearing sunglasses to protect their bleary eyes from the harsh light of day. Barbie in particular looks like she hit the sauce pretty hard last night, but I'm sure the glamorous and multi-talented idol of millions of young girls will look much better up close.


I lied. Barbie is looking kinda rough; her eyes are surrounded by dark circles, the shading meant to imply cheekbones makes it look like she needs a shave and her tiny head perched atop a neck so tall you could lop her head off and use her as a telegraph pole. It's a good job I'm here to get this train-wreck back on the rails, really, and the aim of the game is to increase Barbie's fabulousness quotient by completing the seven minigames denoted by the icons surrounding The World's Ugliest Mirror. I guess I'll start with the lipstick, even though lipstick is the one thing that Barbie already has plenty of. Well, lipstick and neck.


Game number one: Cosmetics Gunfire. Imagine Space Invaders, only the aliens weren't so much invading as they were just hanging around at the top of the screen, moving back and forth. Space Tourists, maybe. The aim of the game is to use your lipstick to shoot the corresponding hearts as they pass by. I have a brown and orange lipstick at the moment, so I'm aiming at the matching brown and orange heart that's lazily floating at the top of the screen, see? Did you get all that? Good, because here's where it gets really complicated.


The colour of your lipstick keeps changing! It usually changes just as you've lined up a matching shot, possibly intentionally programmed that way to prolong the minigame by a disgruntled developer with a real hatred for anyone who might dare to play Barbie: Fashion Pack Games. Aside from that, it's a simple matter of hitting six correct targets in order to move on to the next stage, where you do the same thing again. As you make your way through the levels they do get more difficult, with faster-scrolling hearts that change direction, and after a few rounds it can actually be quite a challenge to hit any hearts on the top row. Fortunately, you never need to hit any hearts on the top row. You'll always be able to make your match from the bottom row, making the top two rows completely irrelevant to the gameplay experience.


For every level you complete, a different colour of lipstick is made available for you to smear across Barbie's unresisting face. Here I've gone with a rich purple, because I like the way it contrasts with her mouth: a mouth that seemingly contains a single oversized tooth, like the mouth of a cartoon Old West prospector called something like Grandpappy Zeke.
This is the point of all these minigames, then: each one corresponds to a different aspect of Barbie's beauty regimen, and for each stage you finish, a different item in that category is unlocked. Given how terrible Barbara looks at the moment, it could take some time to get her up to a standard that will make Ken take a second look.


Game number two: Jewellery Deluge. In this game, Barbie packs her purse by throwing her vast collection of earrings, bracelets and, if this screenshot is anything to go by, tiny television sets and Portuguese Man o' War jellyfish into the air. It is then up to you, the player, to catch the falling items which match the colour of your purse. Your purse has two colours, which you can switch between by pressing a button. You also have to hold the other button down to keep your purse open, a control scheme that might well go down as the most pointless bit of busy-work I've ever encountered in a videogame. It's not like non-matching items can land in your purse anyway, so why would you want your purse to be closed at any point? My advice is to tape down the "open purse" button and leave the game for a while: eventually enough items will fall into the purse through random happenstance for you to win, and you can spend your newly freed-up time doing something more interesting, such as literally anything else.


Game number three: Footwear Line Prison. Now, Pac-Man has been cloned, copied and bootlegged more times than probably any other videogame in history so this might sound like an unsupportable statement but trust me, this is the shittiest version of Pac-Man ever devised. Playing as a living and ravenously hungry handbag, you're shown a picture of your target shoe and then dropped onto a field of green stars. Then you have to chase down the shoe and eat it. To give this game a level of challenge beyond "moving a cursor," dotted white lines randomly appear on the field of play, and you can't travel through them. In the screenshot above, the grey boot is perfectly safe from the pink handbag, because of the line between them. Software for Girls, ladies and gentlemen. On behalf of this game's developers, I'd like to apologise to girls everywhere.


Game number four: Impractical Necklace Management. You might think that Barbie needs a necklace like a hole in the head - anything that draws attention to the serpentine column of flesh below her head seems like a bad idea - but she's determined to have one and she'll only accept artisanal craftsmanship put together by the hands and lungs of a skilled worker. Lungs? Yes, lungs, because in a truly baffling piece of game design this necklace is assembled through the power of air. Gems fall from the sky, and you have to thread them onto the necklace in the correct order by nudging them from side-to-side using little toots of air from those blue whistle things on either side. Hang on, what? I don't know why this seems so much more bizarre to me than collecting shoes by chasing them down with a hungry handbag, but it really, really does.


Someone, anyone, please video yourself trying to thread beads onto a string by blowing at them and send me a copy. I bet it'll be much more fun than playing Barbie: Fashion Pack Games, although having said that this is probably the best minigame of the lot because it requires a level of effort above "press A sometimes" to complete. Getting your beads in the right place requires some delicate manipulation, and if the wrong bead slides into place it removes the previous correct bead on the string, so you even have to defend yourself a bit from fast-falling rogue beads. Don't get me wrong, it's not Tetris or anything, but if any of B:FPG's events could be expanded into a reasonably-diverting mobile game useful for wasting ten minutes while you're on the bus it would be this one, thus setting a new record for "thing most damned with the faintest possible praise."


Game number five: Pipe Mania. Atlas called Barbie and said "would you kindly arrange these pipes so perfume can travel from the entrance of the maze to the empty bottle at the bottom?" and, well, here we are. It's a simple concept: using the component tubes on the left of the screen, build a pipe that stretches from entrance to exit. If a drop of perfume reaches the end of the pipe before you finish, the end-most piece of pipe will be deleted. This will never, ever happen to you unless you're playing B:FPG during a high-tension situation, such as an attempt to take your mind off things when you're stuffed into the boot of a car during a kidnapping. In that case, I would definitely recommend playing this game. It will make whatever your kidnappers have in store for you seem like a breath of fresh air.


Game number six: That's Not How T-Shirt Design Works. T-shirts bounce around the screen. Using your magic paintbrush, press the fire button to launch a glob of paint towards any t-shirts that match the symbol at the bottom of the screen. Hit enough of the same t-shirt to unlock that t-shirt for Barbie to wear. I'm sure she will be thrilled with a "lizard roadkill" shirt.


Or maybe she'd prefer a shirt with a Rafflesia flower on it. Nothing says fashion like white t-shirts decorated with giant stinking corpse-flowers.
This is the Marianas Trench in a game that's 100 percent low points, the incredibly simple concept  mangled by some astonishingly bad hit detection, having only one target at a time to shoot at and background art so unpleasant - and more "nineties" than X-Files erotica posted on Usenet - that I'm going to have it painted on the inside of my coffin when I die. That way I will immediately return to life, possibly as a lich of some kind, because there's no way I could spend eternity laying there with that image hanging inches from my face.


Game number seven: Skirt Chunks. Here is a skirt. A very ugly skirt, because everything in this game was seemingly designed to be as ugly as possible in mocking defiance of Barbie's status as a fashion doll.


Here is the same skirt, but mixed up in a four-by-four grid. It's your job to put it back together. For a moment I thought this was a sliding-block puzzle, my second-most hated gameplay element, just behind "a controller that periodically squirts skunk odour into your face as you play." If it had been a sliding block puzzle then Barbie would have been in for some very cold legs as I steadfastly refused to build her a skirt, but it's not a sliding block puzzle after all. You can freely swap any two squares with each other, making this minigame not quite as horribly dull as a sliding block puzzle but also making it extremely easy, especially since you always have the belt and the edges of the skirt right there and that's half the "puzzle" donestright away.
Right, that's it. All of the events have been suffered through, and Barbie's wardrobe must be full to bursting, so it's time for a makeover.


Why Barbie, you're beautiful! The grey boots really bring out the smudges where your eyes ought to be, and that skirt means you can go walking down dark country lanes at night and you'll be clearly visible to any passing cars. The lump of gravel sitting atop your head is a fairly avant-garde fashion statement, but we'll just pretend you're a trendsetter living on the bleeding edge of cool and not a mad person.


Things are not any better once you get up close, although from this viewpoint I can see that the lizard on Barbie's shirt is wearing shades, possibly as a disguise to prevent people from recognising him and associating him with this game.
But wait, there's more! No, get back here - I said wait, if I'm suffering through this then so are you. One final minigame has been unlocked, and against the advice of my doctor I'm going to play it right now.


Game number eight: Coathanger Nihilism. Okay, so here's the thing: I have no bloody idea how this one works. I know the aim is to get rearrange the coathangers so that the bottom edges of two coathangers of the same colour touch, causing them to disappear, but I'm not sure how or why this works. You move them around with the control pad, and when I say them I mean all the coathangers. I think. You're definitely not just moving one hanger at a time. Admittedly, by this point I was so far past caring that if you'd sat me down and patiently explained the mechanics to me I still wouldn't have been able to take it in, but in my defence if your puzzle game's mechanics aren't easy to pick up then you haven't made a very good puzzle game.


In the end, I beat the minigame by wildly flailing at the d-pad with no rhyme or reason, the whole thing devolving into the neon ghosts of manta rays spinning through a black void and occasionally annihilating each other. Then I had to do it another two times.


My reward? I unlocked Barbie's backpack. See, she's carrying a backpack now. It's not on her back and it doesn't go with her outfit at all, but she has it. If there's anything else I can gather for Barbie's closet - a selection of goofy hats, gang tattoos, haircuts that don't look like a Halloween store's "70's Wig" item - she'll have to make do without them because I can't play this any longer.


If you want to carry on where I left off, here's a Secret Code. Or, as I've just broadcast it across the internet, a Code.
Barbie: Fashion Pack Games is exactly as terrible as I knew it would be from the moment the phrase "software for girls" was used, another rotting fish skeleton on the garbage heap that is the Game Boy Color's licensed game library. Aside from the air-blowing necklace maker, which was merely "bad," every minigame here is a strong contender for the most boring time I've ever experienced while playing a videogame, and I'm including all the time I've spent waiting for ZX Spectrum games to load in that definition. You can trot out the usual "it's aimed at kids, you're a grown man and thus, theoretically at least, old enough to know better" argument, followed by the usual "even the most pleasure-starved child would realise this is utter shite in moments" riposte. If you could get a videogame as the prize inside a Christmas cracker it would be this, a miniature sewing kit of a game: small, cheap, and pointless. Surprisingly ugly, too, given that the whole point is to make Barbie look better. In fact, you cannot make Barbie look better, and no matter what combination of items you put her in she always looks like a red-eyed vagrant who fell into the bins behind a charity shop.


The only interesting thing I can take from this is learning that Mattel have trademarked the colour "Barbie pink." That's this particular shade, which means I've got a long day ahead of me repainting the upcoming line of VGJunk-brand novelty marital aids if I want to avoid a lawsuit.

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