Showing posts with label mobile. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mobile. Show all posts

09/10/2018

CASTLEVANIA: ORDER OF SHADOWS (MOBILE)

It’s hard to know what the future holds for the venerable Castlevania franchise. Konami themselves seem content to do nothing but re-release Symphony of the Night over and over again, former franchise head Iga has the just-about-legally-distinct Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night on the way and there’s the Netflix cartoon, but for honest-to-goodness Castlevania games? Who knows when we’ll see another. But this is the Halloween season and I want to try a Castlevania game that I’ve never played before, goddamnit – and that leaves me with only one option. It’s time for the 2007 game for mobile phones, Castlevania: Order of Shadows!


That’s right, back in the day you could pay about six bucks to download a Castlevania adventure created specifically for mobile phones, with a whole new plot and cast and everything. I say “new cast,” obviously Dracula and Death are in it. However, because this is the year 2018 I couldn’t just play Castlevania: Order of Shadows on my phone. Instead I had to go through a lot of faffing about to get it running well enough to play all the way through, a process that involved visiting shady Java download websites, wrangling various setting into place and, eventually, resorting to playing the bloody thing on my ancient laptop. That’s the laptop that I wrote the first ever VGJunk articles on, and it was old then. I had to have a desk fan blowing on it stop it from overheating. In retrospect, Castlevania: Order of Shadows was not worth the effort.


The all-expenses-spared prologue fills you in on the backstory to this latest climactic battle of good versus evil. A dark, sinister order – an order of shadows, if you like – are planning to resurrect Dracula, and a Belmont must head out and whip them until they stop doing that. It is not exactly a story that breaks the mould established by previous Castlevania games.


Here is the Belmont in question. His name is Desmond Belmont, and he’s assisted by his two sisters Zoe and Dolores. Desmond has inherited both the sacred monster-slaying mission of the Belmont clan and their curious posture, where arms are forever bent at the elbow and they walk in mighty strides. He’s also very orange. It makes him easier to see against the dark backgrounds, and I suppose that would be helpful if you were playing this on a mobile phone.


The action begins and hey, this is a Castlevania game! I’m in a hallway, there's a candle with a heart inside, I’m about to whip a zombie that’s waving its hands in the air like it just don’t care. It doesn’t get much more Castlevania-y than that. The gameplay in C:OoS will be immediately familiar to anyone who’s played a Castlevania game in the past, with Desmond making his way through a variety of locations, whipping monsters and using his stiff-legged jumping “skills” to clamber between platforms. You control the game using either the number pad keys or the little joystick-nub-thing that many mobile phones of the time had, with the main differences from real Castlevania games being that you press up to jump, rather than a button. This means that using your subweapon involves pressing a separate button, because up is reserved for jumping.


That’s right, there are subweapons – I managed to find the cross and the axe early on. They’re a little… strange. For starters, they’re far weaker than they used to be, with the cross taking three or four hits to defeat enemies that can be slain far more easily with a single flick of the whip. Oh, and the axe travels horizontally, rather than in the usual arc you’d see in traditional Castlevania games. The biggest departure from the familiar subweapon system is that you can carry more than one subweapon at a time. In fact, once you’ve grabbed them, you’ve got them forever, and you can change which one you have active by equipping it via the game’s pause menu. That’s an interesting feature, and after playing lots of Castlevania games where a chunk of the challenge came from actively avoiding certain subweapons I’m kinda glad of its inclusion.


After breezing through the early corridors, Desmond finds himself in the bone pit. You know, where they store all the bones. Is this like an assembly lines for skeletons? There are definitely skeletons around, you can see a pair of bony legs at the top the screenshot above. I suppose it’d be more like a scrapyard for skeletons, really. If you’re looking for a spare scapula from a 1758 Transylvania Peasant, this is where you’d come.


Slightly further on, and now we’re platforming thorough a series of caves while skeletons throw bones at us. “So, how’s that going?” you might ask, and the answer is the kind of low, throaty moan you might make if you unexpectedly stepped in something soft with no shoes on. You might not be surprised to hear this, but Castlevania: Order of Shadows is not the most enjoyable game to actually play. It’s leaden and ponderous, with Desmond lashing out his whip so slowly the only conclusion is that he’s trying to tickle his foes to death. Jumping is equally awkward, particularly when trying to avoid enemy attacks: pressing up will sometimes make Desmond jump straight upwards, as you’d expect, but then at other times it makes him jump diagonally forwards in the direction he’s facing. For the life of me I never figured out what triggered which jump, and that made the game’s (thankfully not-too-taxing otherwise) jumping sections a real chore. If you’re walking forwards and hit the attack button, you have let go of the movement key and then press it again before Desmond will resume walking after the attack, further slowing down the action. Desmond’s hitbox is not so much a box as a goddamn circus tent, with you taking damage from enemies that aren’t in the same sodding postcode, never mind touching you. All in all, the gameplay is bad. Did I get that across? And don't forget I'm playing this on a keyboard, so god only knows how it felt on a phone.


The first boss is the Order Knight, an armoured chap with disproportionately tiny legs and a pair of big swords. Oh, and he can throw daggers that are basically unavoidable thanks to to the lag on the controls. I tried throwing my own projectile weapons at the boss, but they do very little damage so in the end I had to go toe-to-toe with the knight, hoping that he’d run out of health before I did.


It didn’t go great. “Well, you really ballsed that up,” says Death as he drifts down from the top of the screen to claim Desmond’s immortal soul. Admittedly this is neat death animation, with a nice sprite of capital-D Death that’s clearly not up to the graphical level of Symphony of the Night but possesses its own bony charm.
Also nice is the fact that running out of health is essentially meaningless in this game. You hit continue and you’re dropped back at the start of the screen you died on with a full health bar. This time when I whipped the knight it did run out of health before me, so that’s the first area complete.


Defeating the knight grants Desmond access to the back dash. Don’t believe the lies of that description, it is not useful for anything. The most interesting thing about the back dash is that, hey, what’s the first thing you’re going to do when you’re given a new move? You’re going to try it out, right? So I backdashed on the first screen of the new area and I backdashed off the screen and into the previous boss arena. Thankfully I didn’t have to fight the knight again. But hey, C:OoS has backtracking! It’s a Metroidvania! No, it is not. There’s one place in the game where you might have to revisit an earlier area. As much as this game wants you to think it’s cut from the same cloth as Symphony of the Night, with its collectable weapons and ability to travel back to previously-cleared areas, in reality it’s a very linear game. You do get experience points and level up as you play, but it seems to have a very minor effect on the gameplay aside from raising Desmond’s maximum health.


Pressing ever onwards, Desmond negotiates a crumbling waterway and faces some fleamen, one of Castlevania’s most hated monsters due to their erratic bouncing movements. I’ll admit I was worried. How was I going to avoid these capering bastards when Desmond has all the grace and agility of a suitcase full of bricks? It turned out not to be a problem, because Desmond’s whip stays extended for a long time and the fleaman were perfectly willing to jump straight into it and die. I think the one pictured above was the closest a fleaman ever got to me.


Also starring in this stage are these familiar witches. Sadly they do not turn into cats and run away when you defeat them like they do in Symphony of the Night. I know, I know, there are a lot of limitations thanks to this being a mobile game, but still.


The rest of the stage comprises a tedious slog through the kind of barren, grey rooms you can see above. The occasional bat flutters past, disinterested in the entire sorry affair. I tried to hit some of the bats with my new secondary weapon, the Platinum Blade. Unusually for the series, C:OoS features subweapons that are melee rather than projectile attacks: in this case, the Platinum Blade allows you to sweep a sword in front of you. I think it’s supposed to be weaker than your whip but faster to activate, but the range advantage of the whip is so important that almost all of the close-range subweapons are a waste of hearts.


Pictured above is another strange aspect of the gameplay engine. Desmond is standing next to a slightly raised block, and he wants to jump up there but it’s tricky with the fixed-trajectory Castlevania jumps. Instead you just have to jump upwards. You’d think that’d cause you to travel straight upwards and then land in the same spot…


...but you actually land “on” the platform above, with this somehow counting as Desmond standing on the platform. Is an unintended quirk of the engine, or was it included intentionally to make it a bit easier to get around? I have no idea, but if for some reason you decide to play this game then I recommend making the most of it.


The boss is two bats. Big bats, granted, but still just bats. I sure wish that the axe in this game arced upwards when you throw it. I’m kidding, of course: just use the whip. It really is all you need.


Are they, though? Because I’m not really seeing any difficulty curve at all in this game. A difficulty plain, maybe. A plateau of challenge. I was going to say that the twin bats were actually easier to defeat than the Order Knight, but I was making that first battle more challenging for myself by trying to avoid the boss’ attacks when I should have just stood there and furiously whipped away like a Pharaoh trying to get his pyramid built ahead of schedule.


The beginning of the next stage is no more interesting than the end of the last, with more extremely simple platforming and backgrounds for which the concept art must have been a picture of someone shrugging non-committally. Not wanting to be outdone by the bats, some Medusa Heads put in a shift as this area’s lazy, unthreatening hazard.


Then I got a few screens further in and this minotaur flattened me in seconds. This took me by surprise, because every other enemy in the game thus far has done negligible amounts of damage if they somehow managed to slip past my whip, whereas the minotaur can kill Desmond in three hits and barely takes any damage from your attacks. My experience playing other Castlevania games told me that the best strategy would be to bait out the minotaur’s attacks, especially his dashing attack, and then hit him while he recovers – but this strategy proved useless because the minotaur’s hitboxes are seemingly made up on the fly and bear no connection to the position of either the minotaur or his axe.


In the end I toughed it out by eating all the health-restoring chicken legs that I’d squirrelled away in my inventory and whipping repeatedly, and my reward was… the Crissaegrim? The most powerful weapon in Symphony of the Night, a whirling vortex of blades that transforms the wielder into a cross between a ribbon-waving gymnast and a combine harvester? Yes, that Crissaegrim. Except in C:OoS it’s a subweapon that gives you a medium-strength, short range attack as Desmond swings the blade once. The saddest thing is that this is probably the best subweapon.


It turned out that beyond the minotaur was a dead end, so I had to go back a little and start exploring these underground caves. Skeleton archers are the new threat here, but to balance things out there are suddenly magic spells dropping from every other candle. You can see one in use above, the Firestorm spell that drops a carpet of lingering flames from the sky. They’re all single-use items as opposed to the equippable subweapons, but there are quite a lot spells to collect, from simple projectile attacks to projectile-repelling barriers and even limited invulnerability. You might think these spells would hammer the final nail into the subweapons’ coffin, but the problem is that you have to get into the right position, pause the game, scroll down to the inventory, select your spell and then use it. This rather takes you out of the game, and C:OoS is already such a slow, plodding experience that spending twenty seconds navigating menus just to throw a fireball at a bat is a ludicrous proposition.


Waiting at the bottom is Medusa. She’s staring at you, with her eyes. She can indeed turn Desmond to stone with a glance, but he gets over it fairly quickly and Medusa’s sword has nothing like the range of your whip, so it ends up being a rather one-sided battle. Far more interesting is that victim in the background. It seems that at some point in the past Medusa managed to defeat Simon Belmont. Given that Medusa is easily beaten by Desmond – an arthritic, shambling warrior whose whip-arm travels with all the power of Ratty from Wind in the Willows rowing his little boat – there must be something more to that statue. Maybe it is a statue, carved to commemorate Simon Belmont’s many victories, and Medusa grabbed it so that people would think she overpowered the famous vampire killer. If it is Simon Belmont, let’s hope he stays petrified, because the alternative is dying from embarrassment.


The reward for beating Medusa was the double jump ability, so now I can travel back to where I fought the minotaur and jump to the high platform that leads onwards. Oh, and I found a fire whip. That’s nice.
The next zone is more of the same, with the faintest hint of a maze-like layout half-heartedly dribbled on top. There are a few places where if you fall down you have to climb up a few screens to get back to where you were, and if you think that sounds like pointless filler then you’re absolutely correct.


For all its flaws, and they are numerous, Castlevania: Order of Shadows features huge ghosts that take the form of spectral skulls and float around menacingly and thus deserves some measure of our affection. Granted, there’s not much else a giant ghost skull can do besides float around menacingly, and again they don’t look as good as their Symphony of the Night counterparts, but I’m still very pleased to see them.


This hooded chap is Rohan Krause, the latest in a long line of people hoping to be Dracula's alarm clock. He also killed Desmond’s parents, so this time it’s personal. I’m trying really hard to care, I swear.


Rohan’s a wizard, and he attacks using the same arsenal of spells that Desmond’s been collecting on his travels: here you can see me getting immolated and shot in the back. This is the only time in the game I got any use out of the spells, specifically the “Reflect” spell that provided a barrier that was very temporary but lasted long enough for me to get a bunch of whipping done while Rohan mumbled some incantation or whatever it is wizards do. I did die the first time I tried this battle, but that’s hardly a bad thing – as mentioned previously you just restart the fight with a full health bar, and you have infinite lives. Oh, and pockets full of delicious roast chicken, should you need it.


But alas, killing Rohan has provided the blood required to resurrect Dracula! This is why the Belmonts should invest in some less-lethal weaponry like, I dunno, rubber throwing knives or a whip with a taser sellotaped to the end. Desmond doesn’t believe Rohan’s claims, but Rohan tells him to venture to Castlevania and see for himself. Oh boy, Castlevania! At last! Surely this is where C:OoS is going to pick up, and I can’t wait to explore the nightmare halls and dank catacombs of Dracula’s castle itself!


Okay, so Castlevania isn’t quite the sprawling labyrinth it used to be. In fact, it’s just a couple of rooms containing a surprisingly large amount of fermented soy beans, plus the iconic staircase leading up to Dracula’s chambers. Making a Castlevania game where you travel to Dracula’s castle and said castle is made up of three monster-free rooms is a bold choice, but I can’t pretend to be disappointed. I’m more than ready for this game to be done with, so let’s go and deal with Dracula.


Desmond is very surprised that his actions have helped in Dracula’s resurrection, despite being told five minutes ago that this was the case. He’s a Belmont, too, so it’s not like he should be shocked that Dracula’s up and about. I’m beginning to suspect there’s a reason the other games never include Desmond in the great pantheon of legendary vampire killers.


You know that fight against Dracula’s first form? The one that any Castlevania fan has played through umpteen times before, where Dracula teleports around the screen, popping back to the material realm to throw fireballs? Yeah, it’s that battle again, with a few important changes. One is that you don’t have to whip Dracula in the head to hurt him, any blow will do. I assume this is to counteract that fact that Desmond’s glacial reactions and the abysmal controls make it almost impossible to avoid any of Dracula’s attacks. The other is that you can chow down on fermented soy beans and the one solitary taco in the game to keep your health topped up, and if the mental image of a Belmont pausing mid-Dracula-battle to wolf down a taco doesn’t make you smile then there’s something wrong with you.


Perhaps feeling slightly embarrassed to be involved with this game, Dracula forgoes his usual second form transformation and goes straight to the “not actually being killed” part of most Castlevania games. The day is saved, Desmond swears that there’ll always be another, more competent Belmont around to stop Dracula and Castlevania: Order of Shadows is over.


You get a bit of epilogue text explaining that Castlevania is still around, and then a picture of Desmond looking at the castle. He seems to be wearing shorts. Look, after a long day of monster-slaying and making the game think you’re standing on a platform when you’re actually levitating nearby, the first thing you’ll want to do is slip into some more comfortable clothes.


Well, that was a heck of a thing, wasn’t it? It tried, bless it, but Castlevania: Order of Shadows ended up being somehow worse than I expected. On a basic level it’s a real chore to play, with no sense of power behind any of your attacks and none of the relentless, rhythmic aggression of the classic Castlevanias. It seems to be caught in two minds, unable to decide whether it wants to be a more open explore-em-up like Symphony of the Night or a straight-ahead action-platformer, and sadly it fails at both. The controls are awful, the graphics mostly bland and the music – and this is a cardinal sin for a Castlevania game – is terrible. Once you’ve cleared the game you are given the option to switch on “Classic” music, which replaces the soundtrack with music from the original NES Castlevania, but there are two problems with that: coming from a mobile phone it’s a horrible squeaky mess, and to hear it you’d have to play Castlevania: Order of Shadows again. Nobody should have to suffer through that.
Really the only saving grace is that the game is so easy, with the infinite lives and very generous checkpoints. If the game had been any more difficult I doubt I’d have had the willpower to finish it. Not when I was controlling what feels like Pinocchio if he said “I wish I was not quite a real boy.” So, in conclusion, Castlevania: Order of Shadows is a bad game. Probably could have saved myself three and a half thousands words there, huh?


As for the Halloween-O-Meter, this game was difficult to rank. I mean, it is technically a Castlevania game and that usually means a guaranteed ten out of ten, but because C:OoS is lacking in so many departments I think an eight is the highest I can go. It’s got witches and bats and malevolent hovering skulls, but it’s missing that certain something that would push it higher.

28/10/2015

BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER: THE QUEST FOR OZ (MOBILE)

In every generation, there is a chosen one. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She also appears in a few videogames, which range in quality from "semi-decent" to "insert cartoon fart sound effect." Which end of that spectrum do you think today's game falls on? Here's a hint: it was released for mobile phones in 2004. It's Indiagames' surprisingly-little-slaying-em-up Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Quest for Oz!


Even though I am sure it's going to be terrible, I'm tentatively excited about playing Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Quest for Oz. This is because I am an unabashedly huge fan of Buffy, a fact that I have mentioned before and which is only going to mean that this game is even more of a crushing disappointment than it would have been based on its gameplay alone.
I'm not sure about the title, though. "Quest for Oz" makes it sound as though Buffy has been tasked with a holy errand, one where she seeks out a Grail analogue called Oz. For those of you not familiar with Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Oz is one of Buffy's friends. She's not on a quest to claim Australia for herself or anything. No, Oz is a mostly-human person who only turns into a wolf  on a couple of nights each month, on account of him being a werewolf.


Getting The Quest for Oz to work in any playable form was a real pain in the arse, so you'll have to excuse the odd emulation error. They're mostly confined to these text screens, however, so if you can ignore a bit of cropped-off text then you're still going to get just about the full experience.
Storypwise, the set up is simple: Oz has been kidnapped by the evil vampire Drusilla, and it's up to Buffy to infiltrate Drusilla's trap-filled mansion and get Oz back. You might wonder why Drusilla didn't kidnap one of Buffy's friends who doesn't sometimes turn into a slavering, bestial engine of carnage, but that's probably because Drusilla is actually insane. It's strange that Buffy thinks Drusilla would have better taste than to live in an old mansion because, as mentioned, Drusilla is insane and she also spent part of the show living in a derelict factory. I'd say "old mansion" is definitely a step up from "abandoned factory with only the lingering odour of hobo urine to distract you from the lack of heating and lighting."


"Demon-butt" looks really weird when it's hyphenated. A mastery of grammar is not included in the Slayer skill set, it seems, but never fear: Buffy has her good friend Willow, witch and borderline genius, to guide her through her quest.


Given that Buffy was known as much for the snappy, quippy quality of its writing as for anything else, it's a shame that (predictably) the developers of this mobile spin-off couldn't be bothered to make even the smallest effort to capture that spirit in the game's dialogue. Thus, Willow sounds less like a slightly dorky teenager and more like an NES manual. Look out for spikes, Buffy. No, not your vampiric sworn enemy / love interest Spike, actual sharp bits of metal. The cursed statue holds a mystery. Join the Nintendo Fun Club today!


The adventure begins, and Buffy is immediately attacked by a swarm of cyan bats that thirst for the blood of the Slayer. Bats should not be a problem for the Slayer, I thought to myself as I pressed the attack button - which, as this is a mobile game, was originally the number 5 on the phone's keypad. Buffy flicked out a half-hearted punch, followed by an equally unimpressive kick. One bat broke free of the pack and fluttered downwards, bumbling into our heroine in an almost apologetic manner and costing her some health. More punches and kicks followed - inaccurate, lethargic attacks more at home in the first lesson of an over-sixty's karate class than in the arsenal of a legendary warrior - before the bat became so overwhelmed with ennui that it flew into Buffy's fist just to bring an end to the whole sad charade. Then the second bat flapped down, right into Buffy's foot. Poof, another bat eliminated. The third and final bat, the sensible, pragmatic bat, the bat who realised he's not getting paid enough for this, made a hasty retreat. Buffy emerges triumphant and only lightly nibbled, giving me all the information I need to surmise that the hand-to-fang combat is not going to be The Quest for Oz's strongest suit. At least I bloody well hope it's not, if the rest of the action is somehow less fun than fighting bats then I'm in for an extremely rough ride.


Now for some platforming, which makes up ninety percent of the game and, I'm happy to report, is much better than the fisticuffs. It's not good, especially when compared to a "proper" console game, and you're never likely to mistake it for for such, but it's simple to understand and designed at such a scale that the tiny mobile screen doesn't hamper the action too much. Here, Buffy has encountered one of Drusilla's moving saw-blade traps, a jagged blade that moves back and forth at neck height. One of the things that outright kills vampires in the Buffy universe is decapitation. Drusilla is a vampire, and a terrible interior designer.
Getting past the blade trap is easy, because Buffy can curl into a ball and roll under it. This move has two frames of animation, looks utterly goofy and I was so enamoured with it that I spent a lot of the game rolling around when walking would have been more than sufficient.


Another enemy shambles into view, and this time it's a zombie, weakest of all the foes Buffy will face on her quest. I know it's supposed to be the tattered remnants of their clothes, but all I can see is a zombie wearing shorts and a Hawaiian shirt. Anyway, killing zombies is best accomplished by standing still and whirling your limbs around like a lunatic. Eventually the zombie will walk into said limbs and die. I wish every enemy in the game was a zombie. A radical surfer zombie.


Time for some honest-to-god platforming, with real platforms and everything, and it becomes clear that the game Quest for Oz most wants to be is Prince of Persia. There's a lot of hanging from ledges to be done and lethal traps to be cautiously sidled past, with precision very much being the skill most needed to progress. It mostly works okay - better than I was anticipating, anyway - because while the controls are often unresponsive, the game is kind enough that it doesn't get too frustrating for the most part. Ledge-grabbing hitboxes are generously sized and Buffy has infinite lives, spawning from the last checkpoint activated when the controls inevitably throw a strop and ignore you for long enough to see Buffy swan-dive into a spike-lined chasm. So, very much like Prince of Persia, then, although with the gloomy castle setting I suppose it'd be more appropriate to compare it to Nosferatu.


Holy water will reveal the secret of the cursed statue, says Willow. And what is that secret? I have no idea. To un-curse the statue and get a piece of a sacred key, in each stage you have to find a bottle of holy water and cart it back to the statue. I played through this game twice and each time there was a stage where I forgot to do this, and so the secret of the statues will remain (here at VGJunk, at least) undiscovered. Maybe that's the curse of the statue - forgetfulness. If you're really curious, you'll have to play through the game yourself because there's no way in hell I'm going through it a third time.


At the end of each stage is a locked door, for which you need to find the key before you can leave. The locked doors feel a bit pointless, and not just in the usual videogame "why do you care about the door being locked when you have superpowers / a chainsaw" way but because smashing through the door without unlocking it is something Buffy would do. It is very much in her character to kick the shit out of that door and leave the key resting unmolested on a nearby plinth. So far the only elements of Buffy the character that have made it into the game are that she's got blonde hair and she fights monsters, which also describes about fifty percent of all videogame protagonists.


I hate to break this to you, Willow, but this magical key is not getting reassembled. We'll just have to hope it's not important.


Stage two begins, and it looks identical to stage one There's no changes of scenery in this game, no trips to the local trendy teen hang-out or the school library or anything - it's all spooky trap-filled mansion, all the time. There are new monsters now and then, however, and here's the Familiar. It's the same as a zombie, except it can launch hadokens at Buffy. To even the odds, Buffy can also launch hadokens if you find the right power-up, and the ability to attack from a distance changes the fights from "awkward and frustrating" to "pointlessly simple". I am more than happy with "pointlessly simple" having experienced the melee combat.  Speaking of pointless, do you know what Buffy doesn't do in this game? Kill anything with a wooden stake. She didn't even bring any stakes to this, the lair of a known vampire. That feels like an oversight.


I wasn't kidding about rolling everywhere.
That thing on the wall - close inspection leads me to believe it's some kind of winged cross with a heart in the centre, although I'll admit it's open to interpretation - is a checkpoint. The thing is, it doesn't register your progress if you just walk past it, you have to press attack in front of it. Do not forget to do this. I am speaking from bitter experience here. The Quest for Oz is not afraid to kill the player in an instant for the smallest mistake, and even the enemy grunts can overwhelm Buffy if she decides, as she sometimes does, to ignore your fevered hammering on the attack button. The infinite lives make this less annoying than it sounds, but if you've neglected to activate the checkpoints then you'll be sent back to the start of the stage, where you will face the toughest challenge in the entire game - giving enough of a damn to try again.


Buffy swings from a pole, and here's where the controls totally shit the bed. For starters you have to constantly be pressing left or right to swing, otherwise Buffy's gnat-like attention span means she forgets what she's doing and lets go of the pole, which is almost always fatal. Swinging is the easy part, though: it's the dismount that's the problem. You have to press attack while you're swinging to leap off the pole. Personally, I'd have mapped this jumping motion to the jump button, but what the hell do I know, I'm not a games developer. Okay then, the attack button it is... except Buffy really doesn't want to let go of the pole once she's swinging, and on average I had to press the button six or seven times before she'd make her move. Sometimes it was many, many more than six or seven times, Buffy swinging and swinging and swinging like a trapeze artist with a jet engine rammed up their backside. Maybe there's a really tight time-frame in which you can press the button successfully, but if there is it seems to change every time you grab a pole. The thing is, it's not even game-breakingly bad - when you're swinging on a pole you're always safe, so you can just keep tapping the buttons until Buffy gets her act together - but the fact that it wastes so much time makes it feel worse, somehow.
Oh, and swinging from poles made me realise that hey, I've been comparing this to Prince of Persia but it's most like that horrendous Zorro game I played. Whatever flaws it may have, this game is vastly superior to The Mask of Zorro. The Quest for Oz is just bad, it doesn't make me question whether mankind deserves its continued existence.


"Beware of the vampire's fangs!" cries Willow, who has apparently forgotten who she's talking to.


Buffy will have to give Willow a stern talking-to when she gets back, because it's not the vampire's fangs she needs to worry about - although they can grab Buffy and drain her health - but rather their ability to shoot magical blasts of energy. I'd be more annoyed about the lack of a heads-up if you couldn't roll under their projectiles. I am already way ahead of the game on that one.


I'd have had more trouble with the vampire if I hadn't picked up a crossbow somewhere along the way. It has limited ammunition, sure, but it's useful for both long-distance vampire perforation and activating switches, like this one that unlocks the door above and allows Buffy to reach this stage's key. I'm not entirely sure whether the game's attempts to force some exploration and puzzle-solving on the player is a good thing or not. I'm sort of glad this isn't just a linear left-to-right hop-n-slap adventure, but on the other hand the stubborn controls mean that traversing each stage just isn't much fun, especially if you pick the wrong direction and reach the locked door before finding the key, leading to the joyless trudge of retracting your steps.


"Yes, yes, I like the wooden pole jutting out of the wall, it really brings the room together, but it just doesn't have quite enough pop, you know? I've got it, we should frame the pole. There, perfect. Oh, and chuck in a few more spiked rollers that shoot in and out of the walls at regularly-timed intervals, they go great with the random hodge-podge of brickwork that makes up our walls."


Willow, you're great at many things but guiding me through this monster-infested death-trap is not one of them. I think I could have figured "be careful" out on my own, especially now we're getting towards the end of the game and any misplaced button press results in Buffy getting a spike in an uncomfortable place. Again, I mean a real metal spike, not the character Spike.


There are a couple of points where Quest for Oz thinks about including a block-pushing puzzle but chickens out at the last moment, leaving Buffy with the task of pushing a brick or two off a ledge and, erm, that's it. Not exactly a lot of deep thought required to succeed in this one, folks, although now I've reached this specific point I might need some kind of gumshield to stop me grinding my teeth down into dust through pure frustration. I didn't get a screenshot of it, possibly an attempt by my subconscious to help me forget I ever experienced it, but just below these blocks is the one point in the game so hateful that it made me, however briefly, recant my love for Buffy the Vampire Slayer. You have to make a jump and grab on to a chain hanging above a spike pit. Sounds simple, and it would be if Buffy's normal jump was enough to cover the distance. It is not. Instead, you have to use a somersault jump. Bear in mind that this is the only place in the entire game where you have to use the somersault jump. Willow - dear, sweet, useless Willow - tells you that to perform a somersault jump, you press jump while running. Funnily enough, I had already tried a running jump thanks. It didn't work, and pressing jump while Buffy was running either caused her to do her normal jump (straight onto the spikes) or to ignore my command entirely and keep running (straight onto the spikes). After some time spent practising the jump in a less-deadly area of the level, I came to the conclusion that the somersault jump was activated one out of every, ooh, fifty or so attempts - unless I was running towards the spikes, in which case the odds were a flat zero. I tried every timing possible, every combination of button presses, every remapped control scheme but nothing worked until eventually I had to open the emulator's virtual keypad, use the keyboard to start running and then click jump on the virtual keypad using the mouse. That eventually worked after another ten attempts, and the moral of this story is that I now know what it means to suffer for your art.


On the lighter side of things, it's charming that Drusilla decorated her mansion with that famous picture of Einstein sticking his tongue out.


Just out of curiosity, what would my back-up plan be if I didn't have the magical key? Please say it's punching.


Thankfully the final stage contains nothing so intensely unpleasant as that somersault jump bit. All the threats are by now very familiar to the player, and to get this far you'll have had to get used to the game's many quirks, such as Buffy's extremely horizontal motion when leaping from chains and the tendency for moving platforms to forget about the whole "being solid" thing, amongst others. As always, my advice to you is to roll under as many hazards as possible. Vampire fireballs, saw traps, protruding wall maces that look like something from a cross between Saw and Total Wipeout, Buffy's ability to emulate the humble hedgehog has them all beat.


After much rolling, it is time for the climactic final battle with Drusilla, and I have two observations. One, even if you take into account the very limited number of pixels the developers were working with, that looks nothing like Drusilla and two, they used quite a lot of their scant pixel resources to give her a weirdly prominent bosom. As for the fight itself, Drusilla stands there while Buffy throws the stack of fireballs and crossbow bolts she's managed to accumulate at her. Somewhere, Blade watches on, both his human and vampire sides feeling vaguely embarrassed.


But wait! After taking some damage, Drusilla transforms into a swarm of bats! Which work exactly the same as all the other bats Buffy has already fought. It's like if Bowser turned into a Goomba for five seconds at the end of a Super Mario game, except I'm sure Nintendo could make that charming somehow and not have it be as disappointing as it is here. Also, ahem, let me adjust my oversized nerd glasses and bow-tie for a second here, okay, vampires in the Buffy universe can't turn into bats. Well, Dracula can, but he's a special case because, y'know, he's Dracula. All right, I'm done. And so is Drusilla - she goes through the vampire-to-bats-back-to-vampire shuffle a couple of times, but she's not much of a threat in either form and soon The Quest for Oz is over!


Here's your "ending," now get out and don't come back. I was going to mention that "Destructo-girl! That's me" is a line taken directly from an early episode of the show but it's too late, I've already taken off my novelty nerd apparel. Looks like the magic key was, in fact, completely irrelevant.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Quest for Oz is a victory for low expectations. Being a mobile phone game from 2004, I had assumed it was going to be so bad that playing it would be an experience somewhere between "having dead spiders injected into your nasal cavity" and "having live spiders injected into your nasal cavity" on the scale of not-fun-osity, but instead it just turned out to not be very good. It's dull, repetitive, has nothing to do with the source material and the controls are very poor, but it works, I guess? I did extract some fun from it, even if it was only a little, so I'm going to chalk this one up as a win. That is in no way an endorsement, however. Don't play this game. Didn't you just read the bit where I said it's not very good?
Now that's over, I'm off to figure out exactly where this game fits into the Buffy timeline, but first let's check in on the Halloween-O-Meter!


It's a game where you can beat a zombie to death with your bare hands, so anything less than a seven out of ten wouldn't feel right. That said, it's just barely a seven out of ten, which is a sad thing to say of a game about fighting vampires in a spooky mansion. C'mon, developers of decade-old mobile crap, it's time to step up your game!

VGJUNK Archive

Search This Blog

Followers