04/05/2010

6 UNFORTUNATE POKEMON EVOLUTIONS

What? Your Pokemon is evolving! Yes, the words that all Pokemon trainers (and men in their late twenties who really should know better by now) long to hear. Sometimes, though, Mother Nature has no bloody clue what she’s doing, and should leave well alone: with that in mind, here’s a few Pokemon that should be left as you found them, before you forced them to engage in brutal combat with other children and their imprisoned animals.



Haunter to Gengar
The ghostly Haunter looks like, well, a ghost. Disembodied floating hands are always creepy, (just look at Rayman,) especially when accented with a red glow that may well be the blood of the last trainer who tried to cram them in a Pokeball. He looks like he enjoys terrorizing people. It is unfortunate, then, that rather than evolving he simply gains weight and his hands reattach themselves. If you ask me, hands that are attached are a backward step from hands that can float around and fetch things from the next room without you having to get up. Gengar has the appearance of a spoilt child, the kind of brat who pitches a tantrum in the supermarket over a bag of sweets, knowing his mother can’t beat him because they’re in public. You’re a lardy son of a bitch, Gengar.

Oddish to Gloom
I love Oddish. Look how cheerful he is! He’s one of my favourite Pokemon, in terms of appearance at least, although I do sometimes look at him and wonder if he tastes good. You know, like a shallot or something. I bet he does. Gloom, however, does not look tasty. Far from it. He looks like an Oddish that has been lobotomised and forced to wear a ginger wig, (difficult to know which of those is worse,) leaving him a drooling, retarded, non-delicious mess.


Magnemite to Magneton"Look, son, I’m goddamn Professor Oak, the goddamn Pokemon Professor. Did you really think you could fool me by gluing three of the same Pokemon together? Get out of my goddamn sight!"


Dratini / Dragonair to Dragonite

Looking at the first two forms of this evolution, you’d be forgiven for thinking that you were going to end up with some kind of awesome Chinese-style dragon, flying around and eating the sun and whatnot. Instead you get Dragonite, the Pokemon universe’s version of Barney the Dinosaur. He looks like Charizard’s older brother, the one who was a promising high-school athlete and the coolest guy in town until he graduated, couldn’t get a decent job because he’d spent all his time having Pokemon battles with the prom queen instead of studying and ended up working at a used car showroom. You’re a disappointment to us all, Dragonite.


Bellsprout to Weepinbell

Two reasons: It loses its legs when it evolves, which seems a little harsh, and the name "Weepinbell" sounds like a truly revolting venereal disease.

Koffing to Weezing
To me, this really exemplifies the horrors inflicted on the poor, unsuspecting Pokemon by their "trainers." On the left we have Koffing: look at his happy, beaming face. I doubt I’ve ever been as happy as that Koffing: one can only wonder what events have brought him such joy. On the right we have Weezing. Poor, poor Weezing. The look of delight has been forever wiped from his face, replaced with the visage of a creature crushed under the weight of untold miseries. Tumours have appeared all over him, and he’s grown a second head. That’s pretty severe, and probably very, very painful. To boil it down, you took a creature infused with a natural sense of joy and forced it to battle until it developed cancer, grew a second head and had its spirit broken, just so you could win some shiny gym badges? You’re a real bastard, you know that?

And there you go. Do nature a favour: let these Pokemon be.

2 comments:

  1. You forgot Bibarel! Which is just a Bidoof sitting up with a glazed far away look in it's eyes. "Where we're going, we don't need eyes to see..."

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  2. Hey! First time you've written about something I've actually played! :-) I agree with all of these 2000%. Also Wigglytuff made me sad. :-/

    ReplyDelete

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